I am really sorry for not updating when I said I would, I got the flu and ave been very busy. Here is the last chapter that I had deleted.
Warning: Sexual Content, Profanity
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Underland Chronicles.
Chapter Eleven: Desire
I observed myself in the expansive mirror of my grey stoned bathroom. My once black bruises were beginning to fade. The deep cuts that had been etched into the porcelain skin of my jaw line were beginning to scab, and dissipate into a light pink. My bones were mending. I was healing.
He had not touched me in two days. Nor looked at me. He had even refrained form muttering a single vulgar remark or menacing threat. It was unusual.
It was not as though I missed and craved his rough hands on on my fragile hips. And it was certainly not as though I had forgiven him. What was evoking a prominent churning sensation in my core was the notion that he no longer desired me. It was a vain thought, but it disturbed me.
Had he grown bored of me? Did I no longer provoke him? It was just that his neglect was somewhat...degrading.
My feelings were unjustified. I did not wish for him to hurt me, and I had begged him on my knees numerous times to stop his inflictions, and he finally had. And yet I felt as though I was not good enough for him now. I felt oddly as though I should provoke him, or beg for an answer.
What had he turned me into? A vain monster. His slave, he had told me that I would one day beg for his touch, but I always would violently reject the idea. He had called me a whore and a slut, but now I truly felt like one. I know I did not truly want to, but a grim small voice in deepest most dark void of my mind told me that I wanted to be dominated, manhandled, put in my place. That was not what I wished for, or so I thought. I just wanted to feel something.
Abrupt rage boiled inside me suddenly, and I had the urge to slam my shaky hands into the reflective surface, lay in the jagged shards, and drown in my own blood. The idea almost seemed comforting. I knew everyone was searching, Vikus, Howard, and even the Overlander. Searching for my once ignited and flamboyant personality. It had vanished. But it was no longer just my personality that had deteriorated, it was my soul. Where had I gone?
I stared at the girl`s face in the mirror once more. She was beautiful, yet hideous. She was hurtful, unpleasant to be around, ruthlessly selfish, and promiscuous. She was empty, unwound, and needed to feel pain to feel anything at all. She was utterly disgusting.
My eyes bore into her desolate empty ones. Something sparked. An unnaturally malevolent glint ignited in her pale violet eyes. She gave me a demented sneer...
I withdrew my eyes from the demon immediately, frightened. I needed to leave, she was terrifying. My breath quickened as I raced out of the bathroom and into the bed chamber.
I stopped. He was still asleep, sprawled out on our bed..no his bed. I slept on the sofa. I was not that I was not welcomed by my fiancé in the bed, it was that I did not and would not act as though were were a normal couple, or a couple at all.
Alexander was breathing steadily... rhythmically. It was soothing.
He appeared vulnerable, like a child. His marble hard face looked soft and peaceful, and his smooth eyelids covered his demonic eyes. He was troubled, his red lips were downturned into a worried frown of displeasure, maybe even fear. He appeared angelic, such as sharp contrast form his normal devilish self.
The look of uneasiness bestowed on his face surprisingly made me feel anxious, as though something was terribly wrong. I was so accustomed to him being overconfident, always in control, and it frightened me to see him in this certain state.
It also frightened me how much I realized I depended on him, and how unstable I truly was.
I hated him. I wished for him to burn in hell for all eternity. Yet I could not refrain from feeling a small tinge of sympathy for him as I stared at his beautiful face.
I could have loved him. I could have been alright. I could maybe even have been happy.
But no. He was a monster. He ruined me. He stepped on and burned the only remains of my already insecure mind. And it was not even his fault...
His mother was at fault for this monster from hell. She created him. A woman. A woman like me.
I continued to observe his pained face for what felt like hours...
"What are you gawking at?" His tone was harsh, like a growl. It startled me.
I flushed in embarrassment, wondering how long he had been awake and aware of my prying eyes.
"I apologize, I thought you were still deep in slumber."
He finally opened his eyes. They bore into mine questioningly. They were desolate.
He sighed and sat up.
"I did not inform you of my past for the purpose of gaining sympathy. I do not require it nor do I want it." He stated sharply.
I reddened, this time in anger, as well as in more humiliation.
His vulnerablity had vanished, he was once again the cruel creature that haunted my nightmares.
"Trust me dear, It was not sympathy nor admiration I felt when looking at you. I was merely pondering how a man could be so utterly pathetic." I laced my tone with venom. It was a lie, I had felt a tinge of sympathy, but it disappeared the moment he opened his dark eyes.
He went rigid on the bed. His face contorted into horrifying glare. His eyes went abysmally dark and his nostrils flared.
This was the form of my fiancé I was accustomed too.
"Pathetic? I am pathetic? I have looked pain in the eye and endured it. My past haunts me, but it has transformed me into the man I am today. I do not simply push aside my past struggles dear...Unlike others, such as yourself. If you wish to speak of being pathetic to me my dear, I highly suggest you rethink your accusations before hand. I am not the one who attempted to eliminate myself because of my horrendous past...You are utterly useless, besides when it comes to giving me physical pleasure...I now realize what I have come to regret, I should have let you murder yourself when your first tried you ignorant bitch." He hissed venomously.
His words stung, and I struggled to keep my composure.
"You could not have watched me kill myself, nor could you kill me yourself. You need me."
I expected anger from him, but his reaction was different.
He laughed mockingly.
"And where do you get this sense of entitlement? This sudden surge of confidence? Please my dear, do not flatter yourself. As beautiful as you are, there are plenty other women in Regalia, and I could have any of them in a snap of my fingers."
I shook my head and smirked him. My confidence surprised me.
"That is not what I meant Alexander. I know you did not merely come here for me. What I intended was that you would be unable to function without me. You have endured pain, and it has become an unbearable burden, therefore you have forcibly made me endure the same type of pain you endured. Without me the pain would drown you. Pain has haunted you and I for both of our lives. Admittedly, your childhood is agonizing. But you are incorrect, you have not looked pain right in its eyes and demanded that it quit preying on you. No, now you have turned it on me, and it will remain with me for the rest of my life. You have taken out your hurt on me, and it has become a sinful addiction for yours, and you are unable to stop causing me pain." I ended my rant with a sharp unintentional hiss.
It was as though I was his sponge. I was the one to absorb all of his hate, bitterness, and utter hurt. I did not heal his wounds, but unintentionally cleaned them, made them more endurable. I was the victim of his pain. He deposited it all into me, because it was unbearable for him, he witnessed it. He would not be able to function without me. He needed me to survive.
I warm feeling began to embody me, it ran through my veins and tingled my fingertips. My face grew heated. I was not embarrassed or humiliated, but I recognized this emotion. It was a flame, that had once engulfed my younger self, when I was confident and fought, both physically and verbally with a passionate flame. I had sparked something.
"You are utterly incompetent, insane even. Your past haunts you continuously and you are helplessly unaware of what to to about it. You are the one with a misplaced sense of entitlement. Not only is it misplaced, it is delusional. You have created this idea that you can get rid of your pain, by forcing it onto me, but you are wrong. And you know you are wrong. I can defer that you are aware of your faults by you abnormally large ego. You are the most lowly of creatures, a parasite...You cannot use me as a scapegoat for your inner demons, I will no longer allow you to without a fight. I am a queen, not a whore like your mother. I am growing sick of your mind games, and I do not care about your past. You should therefore no longer spend your time sharing it with me. You have made me into a vain and selfish monster, and I will never forgive you. Yes, maybe I had felt some sympathy for you earlier, and maybe I had even desired you, but that was until you opened your fucking mout-"
My right cheek stung hotly as he interrupted my rant with a hard slap.
But I had made my point. He was hurt, could tell.
His usual facade was then erected. His quivering lips turned into tight leer and his eyes became devilishly illuminated.
"You and I are not so different my dear, you speak as though I am the only being in this room who indulges in selfish acts. You too have inflicted pain on others, even your loved ones. I can see it in your grandfather`s eyes, your two cousins, your bond, even the Overlander. Oh how you disappoint them with your blind selfishness. Yes, I cause others pain, but so does yourself. Yet you are blind to how you do so."
Images of pained deep, chocolate brown eyes flooded my vision for a moment.
It felt as though a dagger had been plunged into my side. His words were painful yet true, but of course I would never admit so.
"I am nothing like you. You are utterly delusional and a pig. I do not sate my thirst for power or sin by attempting to cause others pain. If I was able to seize my afflictions on others I would do so. Every time you demand me for the sake of your pleasure, or you kick my legs out from beneath me so I kneel before you, I ask-no beg for you to stop. And yet, you do not."
"My dear, I am sure you intended for your words to cause me pain but I assure you, they had quite the opposite affect." His voice was coarse and velvety.
Suddenly a familiar feeling of impureness embodied me.
It was as though I desired to be the hurtful, unpleasant, ruthless, and promiscuous girl I had seen in the mirror of my bathroom.
I then realized how Alexander`s tall, well built figure loomed over me, how thick his masculine arms were, and how strong yet nimble his pale fingers were.
My breath began to quicken, and I felt my chest begin to rise and fall rapidly as I involuntarily imagined what his able fingers could do to me...
"Desire is an seductive and enticing thing my dear, and most usually it is imperfect and sinful. But as humans, were made to be imperfect and sinful...I suppose there is a difference between us. And that difference is that you restrict your desires while I liberate mine..." He whispered.
I could feel myself flush in something other than embarrassment, and my lips begin to tremble involuntarily.
His smirk widened as he caught the lustful glint in my eyes that I was regretfully aware of...
His hands were then clutching my hips immediately and his devilish lips were crushed against mine painfully. My initial reaction was to shove him off of me, but my body was brimming with physical burning, lust.
A deep growl of satisfaction rumbled in his bare chest as I teasingly bit his lower lip.
He reacted to my submission enthusiastically and I felt a genuine smile begin to spread across his face.
I did not want that.
I dug my nails into his maimed back as I lowered my head and laid feverish kisses on his pale collarbone. He emitted a pained yelp in reply to my sharp nails, but I knew it had only aroused him further.
A need for his approval suddenly entered my mind. My lust pushed the guilt from my mind, it was his fault. He had turned me into this monster.
I replied to his yelp with a involuntary hiss as his sharp teeth broke the skin of my earlobe. His shaky hands then attempted to free me from my robes.
I was soon left with nothing on but a thin set of my black undergarments.
He moaned in approval and began to flick the strap of my bra with his slender tongue.
His hands roughly stroked by body, everywhere.
My animalistic groan granted him all of the permission he required to proceed.
I did not want him, I just wanted to be touched.
"Thats it boy! Give it your all now!" Ripred encouraged Gregor optimistically while parrying the boy`s lunge.
Sweat dripped from the boy`s furrowed brow as he dodged the rat`s counter attack.
He dropped to his knees and rolled out of the reach of the spinning rat, the momentum bringing his back to his stance.
He turned just in time to block the rat`s next lunge, which was aimed right at his throat.
The rat never had taken it easy on him.
Gregor had asked the rat to continue the training session they had started when he had last been in the Underland. Gregor had no desire to return to the Overland, and that meant he would undoubtedly be pushed back into the army of Regalia. And he was in dire need of improvement of his skills, for they had not been used in almost five years. Yet fighting came naturally still, and he supposed that was because he was a rager. He had never sensed that it had left him, he had always felt it`s presence within him, aching to jump out at the slightest of provocation.
Gregor quickly stepped back to dodge the rat`s lunge at his jugular, but in the process tripped over what at the moment appeared to be a thick rope.
He fell with a great humph to the ground.
"Shit Ripred! That`s no fair!" The boy exclaimed loudly as he realized that the rodent`s long tail had caused his literal downfall. He would not have used as harsh of language if there had been others in the arena besides the rat and himself.
The rat twirled his tail cheerfully.
"And why ever not? It`s a part of my bloody body is it not?" The rat laughed with his trademark smirk.
"Come on then, Ill help you up." The rat offered his tail to his defeated opponent.
Gregor swatted it away angrily.
The rat`s smirk widened. "Oh, a bit touchy now aren`t we?"
Gregor rose from the ground grumbling.
"I could of had you, if you h-"
"Yes, yes Overlander, calm yourself. You did very well considering the current circumstances. You have not even trained in years! You should be proud."
Gregor stared at the rat puzzled. When had Ripred ever tried to flatter him?
"Anyway now, we must depart soon. There yet another Strategy Meeting to be held soon."
Gregor looked at the rat questioningly.
"Im not really sure I should go Ripred. Yesterday I got the feeling I was a bit...unwelcome."
His quarrel with Alexander was still upsetting him. He had faced enough snobby pricks in his life, and he didn`t need another one telling him what to do. And of course Gregor did not admire Alexander because of his involvement with a certain girl...But Gregor would not admit that to himself.
The rat barked a wolfish laugh. "Please Gregor, Alexander always acts as though a stick has been placed up his posterior. There is no need to become upset over it. Of course, I most likely loathe the man just as much as you do."
Gregor remembered the hungry look he had seen in Alexander`s eye whenever he stared at Luxa. How he had somehow changed her into something that she was not. He did not know what it was, he could not place his finger on it, but he hated it. His first and only love had changed, her flame had been drowned out and her ruins stepped on. Her once vibrant violet eyes had been desolately empty. Something was not right with her. Could it be his fault? Had she truly loved him so much five years ago that it caused her that much pain when he left? The same amount of pain that wracked his being with blistering, agonizing pain? And now, this egotistical rude man practically forcing her to marry him? Gregor would not have been able to cope well with the pain either...He needed to talk to the queen as soon as possible...
Gregor turned to the rat once more. "I doubt that."
Tears stained the dark sheets that wrapped around my naked figure. Sobs wracked my trembling body as I lay, facing the cold stone wall, averting myself from his gaze. I could feel his eyes studying my slender body. I knew his gaze would be smug, mockingly so.
He chuckled, amused.
I clenched the sheets tightly and slammed by eyelids shut. His voice was even more terrifying now that I had submitted to him.
"This does not change anything." I stated, attempting to hide my ashamed sobs.
His laughs became louder.
"Of course not dear." He chuckled sarcastically.
His cold lips were then on my shoulder, his slender tongue teasing me.
"I am serious Alexander." I hissed, recoiling from his touch.
His mouth left me.
"What is this? Shame? Guilt? Or Regret?" He interrogated me in an amused manner. "Maybe all three?"
"No you insufferable ass, I am telling you that what just happened does not change anything between us. I still loathe you, and it will not happen again..."
He clicked his tongue as though he was disappointed. "What a shame. I suppose you do recall how you moaned my name minutes ago and practically begged me to have my way with you?"
I turned to him, now flustered by his sardonic undertone. I sat up rapidly, covering myself with the sheets.
"You deficient bastard, I did not crave you, I craved being touched." I growled.
ANger flashed in his eyes...
He abruptly clutched my jaw and pulled me down to his eye level.
"I know a lie when I see one my darling, I am the king of them after all. You wanted me. I could feel something different about you the minute you woke me from my sleep. Your submission was entirely expected dear, did I not tell you that you one day would not be able to control yourself?"
Tears began to pour from my eyes once again as I realized the truth in his words.
I smiled at him, despite my tears.
"How wrong you are dear...Maybe the lack of pleasure I have been experiencing made me needy or rather...lustful today. But let me assure you, I would have let anyone touch me in the way you just did, even a peasant. I could have even done it myself...But you see, you just happened to be in the same room as I, and all so willing..."
It was meant to be provoking, and I was perfectly aware of how greatly it would anger him.
Despite our recent consensual encounter, he still terrified me...Maybe it had even heightened my fear of him. He was twisted, evil, and manipulative.
His lips became even thinner than normal, and his eyes became those of a devil.
His hand moved to my throat and he abruptly and painfully pinned my small body underneath him. I gasped at his sudden movement.
"You are right...What just occurred does not change anything...Now flip over..." He hissed.
"Alright everyone, that concludes our meeting. I am ever so gracious that you all managed not to rip each others throats out today. Thank you for sparing me the migraine." Mareth finally dismissed the strategy meeting with a sigh.
In Gregor`s opinion the meeting had been a total waste of time. No new plans were discussed, and there was no new news of the Cutters...The only reason he had actually attended the meeting was in hopes of speaking to Luxa. He desperately needed to talk to her.
About what, he did not know, but it was utterly frustrating to Gregor to be in this close of a proximity of the love of his life and not even greet her as a friend.
Gregor had only shared a few tense words with Luxa since he first arrived at the Underland, and that seemed foolish to Gregor considering he returned for her.
The truth was that he missed her desperately. He missed when they trained together, shared meals together, even fought battled together. He did not expect her to treat him as she once did, but he needed to say something to her, anything.
Alexander rose abruptly from his chair and left without any words of parting to his fiancé. Ripred, Nemo, and Evander were involved in a light conversation of Regalia`s training program, while Mareth was in the corner of the room organizing maps of the entire Underland.
The queen rose slowly from her chair and began to limp from the room.
Gregor followed her into the stone hallway.
"Luxa! Wait." He called.
She turned abruptly to him. Upon seeing her sharp and intimidating gaze, Gregor remembered why he was nervous about speaking to her.
"Overlander?" She questioned him cooly as though he was not worth her time.
Gregor flushed in embarrassment and cursed himself. He should have thought this through a bit more.
"H-How are you?" He stuttered nervously.
She did not even blink.
"I am fine Overlander."
Her eyes were empty and cold. Gregor recalled a sparkle he had seen once in her eyes, which illuminated her face, as well as his spirt. A warm feeling began to run through his body as he remembered when Luxa and him had first kissed...
"It there something you wished to ask me or know of Overlander?" She questioned him rather vacantly.
He remembered the first time they had held hands, and she had practically broken his fingers. He remembered dancing with her at Hazard`s birthday party, and how she had teased him for his dancing skills.
He missed her so much.
"I just want to talk to you." He murmured.
Gregor caught a glint of something in her eyes suddenly, maybe sorrow. The glassy orbs became watery.
"I do not know if I am able to Overla-"
"My name is Gregor."
Sorry about the sort of cliff hanger, hopefully I will be able to update soon, I will surely try! Please review kindly and Follow/Favorite. Please no rude reviews!