A Mother's Love
Summary: After returning from their final meeting with Eve, Sam deals with thoughts of his mother on a very special day.
Warnings/Tags: None really though there may be little things mentioned that happened in 6:19 Mommy Dearest
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
SPN SPN SPN SPN
"Bobby, this is Cas we're talkin' about and…"
Dean and Bobby are in Bobby's house talking about the recent change in Castiel's behavior. Normally I'd be in there with them since it's rare these days that I'm too far from my brother.
Ever since I got my soul back, yeah that's weird for even me to say, I try to stay close to Dean and for some reason these days I feel like staying closer…like I know that something's coming that could tear us apart again and I guess that scares me more than I want him to know.
I know that it's still a little strained between us but we're getting better…I just hope we stay that way because I really miss my big brother but that's not why I'm outside walking around the junkyard. It's not even because of the creepy feelings of being watched inside the house. It's because of what the day is that has me outside. I don't think Dean realizes it and maybe it wouldn't matter to him if he did know but it does matter to me. Mother's Day still matters to me…especially after what happened in Oregon.
Seeing Eve take on the shape of our Mom was hard and I know it hurt Dean a lot because he has more memories of her than I do but he's not talking about it…like he's always tried to not talk about her.
I was six months old the night my Mom died in that house fire so any memories I have are blurry. Hell, my first real memory is of my brother…not of my parents, which is basically really sad if you think about it. It wasn't until I was in school that I began to realize that something was missing.
It was the first grade that I remember Dean getting into a fight at school because some kids had made fun of me because I didn't have a Mom and we lived in a motel. That was normal for me and I never thought differently until the first Mother's Day that I had to draw a picture of my Mom for school and tell what I loved best about her. I couldn't do it because I didn't know anything about her. I still remember the teacher's face when I could only say that my Mommy was in Heaven because that's what Dean had always told me.
Dad…Dad never talked about Mom much…as in at all and Dean…all he'd say growing up was that she was in Heaven and let it go. I didn't learn how she died, why we moved around so much and why Dad was never around until I was eight years old and found Dad's journal. That was the night when I literally lost my innocence and I think Dean still blames himself for that too.
Dean did all the things a mother normally did though I doubt if he'd appreciate the comparison. Occasionally he'd tell me things about her. On nights I'd be sick or scared and he'd stay with me he'd talk about her but I never really had that connection to Mom that he did. I still don't…and sometimes it's still hard to handle this day.
The Impala's sitting under the roof of this lean-to Bobby built to keep it out of the weather. Aside from Dean, the car has been a rock to me growing up. The purr of the engine, way it smells…Dean's music collection since it's barely up a stage from what Dad used to listen…all of that gave me…no, still gives me the same comfort that most kids get from their Mom.
That's not to say that I don't love my Mom because I do but it's hard…knowing what I do now and sometimes wondering if she ever regretted it because the first words I can recall hearing from my Mom was 'I'm sorry'. I never knew if she meant that she was sorry for what was about to happen to me or that she was sorry for ever having me. I always wondered that and maybe to this day, I still do.
Mom was…everything to Dean. Oh, he looked up to Dad, he did everything Dad wanted him to and more but I know that Mom was the one Dean loved. I saw that in that whole screwed up version of Heaven that Zachariah hit us with. That wasn't the first time I'd seen my mother but it was the first time that I'd seen Dean react with her. When he tossed the amulet after that, I wondered for so many nights afterward if it wasn't just faith in me that he'd lost but how much of me being born did my brother resent.
Sitting down next to the Impala, I open the small wooden engraved box that I suppose Dean salvaged from what he called the car no sane hunter, much less a Winchester would drive. I have some memories of the time I spent hunting with the Campbells, more than Dean would probably like to know I have and some that I wish I could scrub away. This box came from that time.
Gwen gave it to me after I'd been with them a few months. It was after she knew that I'd overheard Samuel talking to Christian and Mark…after I heard him say his daughter never should've married that no-good mechanic from the wrong side of the tracks and have two bastard sons.
Huh, I didn't have a soul then but for some reason those words still hurt. Gwen said this box had been salvaged from the remains of our old house by her father and that it was Mom's. I looked at then, saw some old photos and things but never paid much attention otherwise until now.
Waking up today on the fringe of a nightmare where on one side I could see my parents and the other my brother and Bobby and I hope it was just a nightmare and not an omen of things to come. So I decided not to give Dean anything else to worry about and come out here to finally look at what was in here.
Tracing a finger over the carving on the top, I realize it's some form of Latin. Probably a hunter's ward or something since I haven't been able to translate it so opening it I swallow the lump when the first picture I come to is of my parents looking happy and in love.
They were young so this would've been after Dean's first trip back to the past when Mom was forced to make the deal with Azazel to save Dad. It was that deal that sealed both our fates. The next picture I look out would've been after we both went back to save them from Anna because Mom was clearly happy, in love and very obviously pregnant…with Dean.
It was weird for me, going back in time. Meeting my parents…talking with Dad was strange because he seemed so outrage that a parent would let his sons grow up like Dean and I had. This was the Father I'd always dreamed of having, the caring one who showed outrage at something so simple as protecting his family…and I had no way of telling him the truth so I came as close as I could.
Mom was…awesome. Two guys tell her they're her grown-up sons from a future she won't live to see and after a little battle of wills, man I thought Dean got his hardhead from Dad but I was wrong, she believed us and a part of me wished it hadn't been too late for them.
The photos in the box were of when they were married and Dean was a kid…damn, Missouri was right. My brother was one goofy looking kid…though I will never tell him that out of fear of getting Nair in my shampoo again.
As I leaf through the photos and see Dean as a happy normal little boy a piece of me wonders why the hell he doesn't despise me for costing him this. I cost him a Mom who would sing 'Hey Jude' to him, make him tomato rice soup and cut the crusts off his sandwiches. I cost him a Dad who would toss a football to him, play catch in the front yard and just be a Dad. Dean had the normal apple pie life we longed for…until I came along.
Brushing the sudden burning out of my eyes, I'm about to set the photos aside when one that had been stuck to another caught my eye. This one had clearly been manhandled by a four-year old with sticky jelly fingers because the fingerprints were too small to be Dad or Mom's. It was of…me.
There were so baby photos of me and Dad only had a few of me growing up that this one took me by surprise. Ignoring how chubby I was and wondering how many cracks Dean would make if he saw this one, I pay more attention to my Mother's eyes as she held me. There was no sadness, just joy and hope. At least for six months and then I wonder what she felt as she was dying.
Digging into the box, I come across various little things my Mom had collected over the years that I understand were protective tokens or talismans from various cultures. A hunter's bracelet that Dean described Mom wearing the night she kicked his ass…I really wished I could've seen that.
Touching something soft, I pull out a swatch of soft blue material that for some reason I remember and with a slam it hits me from a photo I'd just looked at. Mom made our baby blankets out of this material and she'd kept this piece. There were various little things that a Mom keeps from her kids so naturally there was more of this for Dean then for me since at six month's old I hadn't had many milestones…or ones that Mom would keep and Dad…well, he just wasn't big into that.
Getting to the bottom of the tiny chest, I feel an envelope. Pulling it out while thinking it was just more photos or maybe her marriage license or something I'm shocked to discover my Mom's handwriting on the front had addressed the envelope to 'Dean and Sam, my sons'.
Staring at the faded envelope for a long time, I'm unaware that it had started to rain. I just see my Mom's writing and thinking that it was impossible for her to have written to us since Dean said that Michael told him that he was erasing Mom and Dad's memories of us and our time back in the past.
Looking up as a crack of thunder was heard, I consider waiting to show Dean but then I know he's distracted enough today and I don't want to hurt him by bringing back bad memories. He rarely talks about Dad anymore these days much less Mom so I slit the envelope carefully which isn't easy considering how much I'm shaking now to take out the letter, feeling my heart start to pound as I begin to read…
'Dean and Sam, I hope you'll read this one day and that you're both safe and happy. Today is Sam's six-month birthday and it's been ten years since a demon killed your father and I made a deal to bring him back. A deal that I pray I can keep Sam safe from.'
Blinking, that first paragraph shocks me since it's not what I expected until I read on and begin to understand.
'John's at work right now, Sammy's down for his nap and Dean…well, he's supposed to be playing in his room but I know that if I go to look he'll be in with his brother…Dean, I never could keep you out of that nursery when your brother was napping. It used to look to John and I as if you were keeping watch on Sammy…now I guess that maybe on some level you were.
'I'm writing this because…well, I'm not sure why but I needed you both to know that I love you both. I didn't lose all the memories of that last time, the night the angels came to kill your father and me despite Michael's best intentions. I'd dream of two handsome young men who reminded me so much of myself with pieces of John thrown in but it wasn't until about a month ago, Sam that I remembered fully.
'A friend of my mother's had come to see you and I'd stepped out to get coffee when you started screaming. Instincts had be rushing back in to find my friend staring as if in shock and you cuddled in Dean's arms. You, Dean, looked as fierce as any four-year old could and when I went to put Sam down for his nap you said the lady looked at Sammy in a scary way. Seeing how protective you were of your brother brought back that night because I'd seen how protective you were of Sam then too.
'I can't tell your Father because he doesn't remember and he'd never understand so I'm praying that I can stop anything bad from happening and if I can't…then I want you both to know that I never regretted falling in love with your father or having you boys. I wanted out…I wanted a home and a family and for better or worse that's what we've had.
'Dean…when you told me that I'd sing Hey Jude to you and make you tomato rice soup like my Mom made for me I knew you were telling me the truth of who you and Sam were because it was in your eyes. You looked like your Father when we first met but your eyes…your emotions show through your eyes. In you, I see so much buried pain and hurt that I wished I could've made it go away like any Mother would have.
'Sammy, I looked today as I laid you down and I recalled the tall handsome young man I'd met and I have no idea what your brother fed you to make you grow so tall. You were so quiet and lost that night that it pulled at every budding maternal instinct I was getting. You're more like me in some ways and I hope that won't cause friction between you and John down the road.
'My family were hunters. I never wanted to be, I never wanted my sons to be hunters but no matter what happened or how it happened I'm proud of you both. I saw two young men willing to sacrifice themselves to save others. That's a Winchester trait…not a Campbell one. I hope your future changes, that it doesn't come down to how you say it does or how Michael said it would because I know one thing, my sons could never turn on one another. It's not in you.
'I'm not sure what will happen tonight but if you're reading this then I suppose I didn't stop him and I…died. I pray that John doesn't fall too far because while he's a loving and wonderful man he can be intense and stubborn…you both get that from him by the way. Dean, always look after your brother because even though he's taller than you he will always need you to be the big brother who would look after him as he slept. Sammy, don't lose faith in who you are and never doubt that your brother loves you and will always have your back. You both may be hunters who have been forced into things you never should've but you're also brothers…you're my sons and I will always love you and be proud of the men you've become…
Staring at the letter, I'm not even aware of the tears on my face. I can see my Mom writing this and knowing that she remembered seeing me and Dean that last trip back…that Michael had told her what we'd…what I'd become and she'd still tried to save me.
"Mom…you knew, you remembered and you knew what Michael had said and still you tried…" I was shaking from more than the chilly damp air now. I had known that Mom had recognized the Yellow Eyed Demon that night but I hadn't guessed she'd remembered the rest. Staring at the letter I couldn't help but wonder one thing that I'd always dreaded to think about… "Did you hate me when you died, Mom? Did regret in that one final moment ever having me?"
"No, she didn't because Mom loved us."
I'd forgotten how quiet Dean could be when he put his mind to it and I jump at his voice now, looking up to see him leaning against the rear of the Impala just watching me and I realize he's been there for awhile by the way his face is set.
"Dean, how long have you…" I'm pushing up when I feel his hand on the back of my neck, squeezing it in a gesture that I know is my older brother's way of offering comfort and support without saying too much so I sit back down and wait to see what he'd do.
"Bobby kicked me out so when I realized you weren't in the house I figured you'd be out by the car," he sat down next to me with an ease that I'd almost forgotten he had but I hold my breath when he picks up the pile of photos I'd laid out. "I miss her too, Sammy."
Those words rocked me since I could count on the number of one hand the times I'd heard Dean, the big brother who would pick a fight rather than have a real emotional conversation, say he missed anyone then of course he brings me back to Earth by his next comment.
"Damn, you were a chubby kid," he'd found the baby photo of me but just those words seemed to make me feel alright but I watch his eyes as he sorts through the photos of him and our folks. "Where's you get these?"
Dean's always been good at hiding his emotions except for one tell. He's got a tick in his facial muscles that'll twitch when he's getting upset or burying emotion…I see that now but I answer him. "Gwen gave them to me. You found the box so I assumed…"
"I was too busy wondering if you were an alien or a shapeshifter to worry about what was in the box, Sammy," Dean says with a snort, laying the photos back in the box before holding out his hand without saying a word and I know what he wants. He only speaks when I don't move right away. "Sam, given that you are normally the most emotional person in my life…Robo-Sam does not count, that letter had you in tears and asking things I didn't like so fork it over, little brother or I tell Bobby who cracked that 1957 Buick he had when you were fourteen."
The mere threat was so ludicrous that I almost call his bluff until I remember that this is Dean I was dealing with and my brother almost never bluffed…especially when he wanted something bad enough. "You crashed that car, Dean," I muttered but gave him Mom's letter with more than a little disgust and what I'm sure what my brother would call my bitch-face when I hear him chuckle until he starts to read.
I watch Dean as he reads and I know the moment he understands because he reaches to touch the amulet he used to wear. Knowing my brother's temper like I do and guessing how he might react to this, I decide to move only to have his hand shoot out to grip my shoulder firmly but not tight enough to hurt so I wait for him to finish.
The rain's falling steady now but it's not annoying but almost soothing as I sit on the ground next to Dean with my back against the only home we've ever really had to wait for his reaction to Mom's letter. I expect the usual sarcastic comment or at the very least the hard tone I've come to expect from him but again Dean surprises me by staying silent for a long time as if considering something.
"The day of the fire I had gone into the nursery to be with you because you'd been really cranky that day and I wanted to make you laugh," he was watching the rain instead of me. I stayed quiet to see where this was going when Dean looks at me and I'm shocked to see tears in his eyes. "Mom came in and instead of scooting me out like she normally did she just smiled. She told me to always look out for you, always look out for your little brother because no matter what one day he's gonna need you. She loved us, Sammy and I never want you to think that she regretted having you or regretted trying to save you because Mom loved you."
"Did you resent me for it?" I don't know what the hell I asked that for but it was too late the moment I saw his eyes narrow to green slits and I prepare myself for the fist that question would've earned me at one time but I wasn't prepared for Dean's next move.
Ever since he'd returned from Hell, we haven't been as close…which was my fault but we'd been getting better since I woke up after the whole soul thing but still Dean was distant. I could feel that and I never pushed him since I'm sure he's gone through Hell, no pun, the past year and half or so. His move after my question came as a complete shock since I wasn't expecting the sudden move he made when he turned to grab me into a hard hug.
"We might have been put through hell and turned on one another by the damn Angel Brigade but don't you ask me if I resented you for anything, Sam," Dean's voice is deep and gruff but I know my brother well enough to know it's from keeping emotions as in check as he could right then. I feel his hand on my neck again, squeezing gently in the same way he did as a teenager when he didn't want to voice emotions or when Dad was around. "You may be one pain in the ass little brother who I have wanted to beat the shit out of more than once…but you are my pain in the ass little brother and I never resented you for anything…and neither did Mom."
I hope he's right because considering what I'm facing in the way of the wall falling in my head, I need to believe that I hadn't disappointed at least one of my parents when again I feel Dean next to me as he stands up with his head cocked looking back to the house.
"C'mon, Sammy, we need to do something," he holds a hand out to me which I take on instinct, feeling the firm grip on my bicep stay longer than he normally would've left it which is another telling sign to me. My brother is actually close to showing emotion…which I can't help but wonder is a good thing or not.
Grabbing the box of Mom's things, I let him push me back to Bobby's house and smile a little at his grumbling about the rain and water spots on his baby's windshield if that damn lean-to leaked. I notice that Bobby wasn't in the library but hear him puttering around downstairs…the one room in this house that still makes me leery and clearly Dean knows it because his hand is gently leading me to the fireplace behind the desk.
"Dean, what're we…?" I start to ask when he shoves a pretty ornate, considering my brother's usual tastes, card into my hands and I stare when I see that it's a Mother's Day card. "What's this?"
"A card," he shoots back in a slightly more snarky tone than usual which tells me he's uneasy about this and I feel him tense more as I look inside to see he'd signed it…with both our names. "You…signed my name?"
"Yeah, I have been ever since a friend of Jefferson's told me that if you burn a letter or a card to a deceased loved one that they'd get it on the other side…" Dean's staring at the floor now, scuffing the toe of his boot like he used to and I wait for the rest of it. "I've been signing your name and doing this since you were probably two. Pastor Jim or Jefferson would help before I learned to light a fire on my own but I always signed both our names, Sam…shut up now."
I'd done the math and was staring at him in surprise. My brother hated holidays…except Valentine's Day usually and he normally avoided the parental ones because I figured he didn't want to think of Mom and Dad was never around. "Why tell me now?"
"Because you think she hated you or resented you and I'm telling you differently," Dean stares at the card a long while before nodding to the fire. "Your turn to send the card to Mom, little brother," he tells me quietly, adding. "She'll get it and no matter what happens in Heaven, Mom will always be there to look after you."
Looking at the card in my hand, I let it go into the fireplace and silently tell Mom that Dean and I are okay and that I love her when I feel something life a soft touch lightly ghost over my cheek and a part of me knows that she's here with us in some way. "What about you, Dean?"
"I'll always be here to look out for you, Sammy," he tells me gruffly and I know he means it. I look over to see his real smile, the rare one that it takes a lot to get Dean to show, and for the first time since waking up I feel like we can come out of this on top. Until something explodes from the basement and Bobby lets out a shout for Dean who had been down there last. "Shit."
Glancing to see that the card had burned fully, I place the box of photos in a drawer in Bobby's desk for safekeeping before touching something I still carried in my pocket that one day I really need to give back to my brother. "I'll take care of Dean too Mom," I whisper, hearing Bobby griping and Dean arguing that he hadn't touched anything. "Happy Mother's Day."
A/N: It's a little late but I got delayed today. I wanted to show a little bit of what Sam may be thinking on Mother's Day. Not sure how well it turned out. Thanks in advance for reading.