Before this starts, I want to extend a huge thank you to underhandlilies for writing Grossology. Why do I want to say thank you? Because I had this oneshot outlined and started for like, 2 months, but I couldn't find inspiration to finish it and I almost trashed it. But then I read Grossology, and it made me want to finish. * A*
That said, you should all probably go read Grossology by underhandlilies. lol
Night time was, for most normal beings, a time for slumber—hours to rest and relax before the next day started. Hours to spend with your significant other, if you had one. A time to unwind from a hard day of work and play, before getting up and repeating said day. And then, inevitably, going back to sleep.
Night time should be quiet.
On Zack's living room floor during a slumber party (he insisted it be called that, despite the protests from his party-goers), night time was a time for Zack to enlighten the world of the weirdest facts that nobody really needed to know. Between him and Cloud, Sephiroth was lying face down, trying his hardest to ignore the obnoxiously loud voice that was Zack's. Angeal was out cold, and Sephiroth honestly and truly hated him for it.
Alright, so that was a lie. Sephiroth would love the man no matter how heavy a sleeper he was. The same went for the red-headed asshole who was slumbering just as peacefully next to the man.
"Did you know the Romans used crushed mouse brains as toothpaste?" Zack whispered across Sephiroth's bare back to Cloud.
He took it back. He hated Angeal and Genesis because they were heavy sleepers. Did he care that it was childish? Not at all. He'd be thrilled to fill them in on all of the disgusting facts in the morning.
"Really?" Cloud squeaked in awe, clutching his stuffed chocobo, Coco, tightly to his chest and staring at Zack with wide eyes.
"Yeah!" Zack exclaimed, elbowing Sephiroth harshly in the side on accident.
It had been going on for at least three hours. Sephiroth was positive; he had gotten up to use the bathroom (really, he was just trying his damn hardest to get away from Zack), and checked the time on the cable box. It was three-fucking-AM. They'd gone to bed at midnight. He groaned softly to himself and attempted to bury his face further into the soft pillow, squished between his two lovers that were far too engaged in this conversation regarding any and every stupid thing they could think of.
"Did you know," Cloud started, leaning forward slightly—Sephiroth could feel Coco's leg on his back. "Almonds are a member of the peach family?"
"What? No way!" Zack gasped, once again jabbing Sephiroth with his far too boney elbow in his excitement. He prodded Sephiroth's neck and whispered, "Seph, did you know almonds are a part of the peach family?"
"Yes, Zackary." Sephiroth growled, muffled by his pillow. "Stop poking me and go to sleep."
The human puppy stuck his tongue out at the General and sat up, propping his elbows on his crossed legs. "Cloud, did you know only horses and humans have hymens?"
Dead silence. Sephiroth briefly considered duct taping Zack's mouth shut, but the last time he'd done that, Angeal had lectured him… and then taped his mouth shut for a day.
And then Cloud giggled, shaking his head. "That's so gross, Zack!" he whispered loudly. He hummed to himself in thought. "Did you know an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?"
Sephiroth lifted his head from the pillow, and glared at Angeal and Genesis with all of the energy he could muster. Maybe if he glared hard enough, they'd wake up and say something. He could hope, right?
"Did you know that on average, you touch fifteen penises per day?" Zack whispered, leaning towards Cloud.
Angeal let out a loud snore, and Genesis didn't budge. He groaned and dropped his face back down to the pillow.
"…That's completely disgusting." Cloud whined, dropping Coco on his silver-haired lover's back. "You're making that up!"
"I am honestly not." the raven-haired teen stated seriously, raising both hands in front of him.
They argued about it, occasionally planting their palms on Sephiroth's back and leaning forward. When Sephiroth had woken that morning to a text from Zack asking if he wanted to stay the night, he was thinking he'd be staying the night. When he finally showed up at Zack's apartment at half past three in the afternoon, and found Genesis and Angeal sucking face, he was positive he was staying the night.
And then Zack put in a movie that was far more gory than anything he had ever seen in his entire life, and started rambling about how Sephiroth was a horndog for trying to kiss him. It was around an hour and a half into the movie, and after Cloud had thrown up twice, that Sephiroth realized he was staying the night, not staying the night. While that was a disappointment, he had at least expected a nice night sleeping with his four lovers in a bed.
…Not on Zack's living room floor, crushed between him and Cloud while Angeal and Genesis were dead to the world. Where did they even learn these things? Did Zack own World's Most Useless Shit: How to Bore Everyone Around You and/or Make Them Throw Up Vol. I or something? He made a mental note to check in the morning—and dispose of the book if it did exist.
"That's honestly true?" Cloud whispered, scooping Coco off of Sephiroth's back.
"Swear it is." Zack replied, pressing a quick kiss to the blonde's lips. They stared at eachother for a moment, then—"Did you know when you pee, some of it leaks into your mouth through your spit?"
Slowly—and apparently rather scarily, judging by the startled yelp from Cloud—Sephiroth sat up, and pinned Zack with a deathglare from bloodshot cat-like green eyes. The teen leaned away slightly, beaming up at him innocently. He narrowed his eyes and grabbed Zack by the front of his shirt, yanking him forward so their faces were inches apart. "Zackary."
"Go. To. Sleep." Sephiroth hissed, shaking him slightly with each word. A quiet giggle sounded behind him, and he whirled his head around to stare at Cloud. "That means you, too."
Cloud clamped his mouth shut and slid down under his blanket, resting his head on his pillow and staring up at Sephiroth with wide blue eyes. Zack, however, wasn't as easily convinced that it was time to sleep. He licked the General's nose and laughed, sticking his tongue out. "Not tired."
Thin, pale fingers gripped the pink muscle, and Sephiroth tugged on the tongue. "Zackary, you have two options." He said calmly, meeting the teen's violet eyes. "You will either go to sleep, right here with Cloud and I, or—Zack, look at me—you can go sleep in the hallway. Do you understand?"
Zack blinked up at him, debating his options. Sephiroth had put him in the hallway in the middle of the night before; he'd spent the rest of the night running from Hojo, who—for some reason—was convinced Zack would be willing to test some new injection. He quickly nodded his head. "Yeth."
"Good." Sephiroth whispered, releasing Zack's tongue and kissing him on the forehead. He slid back down under his own blanket, stretching out on his back and staring expectantly up at Zack. "Well?"
The teen rolled his eyes and flopped down miserably, snuggling up to the General's side. Cloud, on the other side, kept quiet, large eyes looking at Sephiroth—as if hoping for approval of some sort. He got it when Sephiroth wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. The teens stuck their tongues out at eachother, whacked at eachother's faces with their hands, then snuggled closer to Sephiroth and closed their eyes. Finally, finally, he could sleep.
"You look like shit." Genesis remarked with a cocky smirk on his face when Sephiroth opened his eyes hours later.
Sephiroth looked at him with a dead serious face, and merely stated, "You touch fifteen penises per day, on average."
Angeal cocked an eyebrow from his spot on the couch next to Genesis, and the red-head opened his mouth to reply.
"And they're not mine, Angeal's, Zack's, or Cloud's." Sephiroth continued quickly. Cloud snuggled up closer to him and he smiled—a smile that quickly turned into a sadistic grin as he once again regarded Genesis, who was now looking only slightly disgusted. He'd have to fix that. "When you piss, some of it leaks into your mouth through your spit. Have you used the bathroom yet today, Genesis?"
The red-head paled and dashed to the bathroom, Angeal following at a much slower—he was utterly confused—pace. Sephiroth laughed to himself, pulling the blankets further up over Cloud and Zack. "Good morning to you, too." He called out to his other two lovers with a grin before yawning and falling back to sleep.
The gross/odd facts that didn't quite make it:
- Your sponge contains more bacteria than your toilet.
- If your head is chopped off, your brain will keep functioning for about 15 seconds.
Aaand that's that. Thanks for reading. Review?