Disclaimer: I don't own Bones.
Okay so I guess war it is. Just so you know every trick they've done here can be done at home with a common household products. Black light invisible paint, laundry detergent. So if you have kids show them how cool squints can really be ;-). Want to know how they did a particular trick shoot me a message and I'll tell you. Or leave a review asking and I'll send you a PM and explain it.
"This means WAR," Cam snarled shoving her Louis Vuitton shoe in Booth's direction.
"Okay so an April Fool's joke gets turned into a war over a pair of shoes?" Booth asked with an incredulous look on his face.
"These are not just shoes. They are Louis Vuitton and they cost me five hundred dollars Booth," Cam snarled in an almost shout.
"Dude, never come between a woman and her shoes," Hodgins offered with a laugh.
"The real question is what side are you on Booth?" Brennan asked from the doorway with a smirk on her face.
"I...uh...umm," Booth said in a flustered tone running his hands through his hair.
"Choose carefully g-man. We have inside knowledge on you," Angela said with a laughing smirk. Oh shit, Booth thought to himself, this was not good.
"I guess I'm with you guys," Booth grumbled knowing he was going to be from the get go. Brennan turned to Hodgins and grinned.
Hodgins turned and scampered to his room. Hodgins had safely disposing of the old chemicals yesterday, he had to wait for his new ones to come by mail. He would be receiving most of his replacements today.
Brennan's grin got even larger and her eyes went evil.
"Oh lord," Booth breathed out and rubbed his temples. Cam smirked at the look on Booth's face and followed Brennan.
"Hey Max I have a question for you," Brennan called out with a laugh.
"Okay Tempe what can I do for you?" He asked with a quirked eyebrow. .
She led him out the door and Booth saw Max making motions with his hands. Booth groaned and ran his hands through his hair. He saw Cam smirk and pick up the phone.
He listened incredulously as she spoke briefly with Sweets to set up a meeting tomorrow with herself and the agents. Oh lord she's clearing out the bullpen he thought. Looking around he saw that Brennan had disappeared. He strode from Cam's office and headed towards Brennan's when he heard the sound of a drill coming from ookey room. He stopped in the doorway and saw Hodgins wearing safety goggles and drilling something.
"Hodgins what are you doing?" Booth asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Drilling," Hodgins said with a smile.
Booth sighed and walked to Brennan's office. He stopped in amazement when he passed Angela's door. She was wearing goggles and mixing things in beakers. She had a row of small plastic tubes lined up. She smiled at him but kept mixing.
"Bones, are you declaring war on the FBI?" Booth strangled out as he walked into her office to find her filling a jar with vinegar.
"No Cam declared war. I am only supplying ammunition metaphorically of course," Brennan said with an evil glint in her eye. Max strolled in and set down a container then quietly left.
"Are those eggs?" Booth asked with a stunned look on his face.
"Yes, they are in fact eggs," Brennan said with a smile as she gently laid them in a jar then began pouring vinegar over them.
"Why are you putting vinegar on eggs? Making Easter eggs there Bones?" Booth asked with a smirk in her direction.
"No dad, she's not," Park said strolling through the door.
"Parks what are you doing here?" Booth asked with a smile.
"Science club is over early and Mom won't be here for another hour. So I came to see Bones," Parker said with a smile.
"So if she's not dying the eggs what is she doing?" Booth asked Parker not really expecting him to answer.
"Oh the egg shells are mostly calcium carbonate and when mixed with vinegar which is acetic acid it forms carbon dioxide. See the bubbles, when it's finished the egg will bounce like a rubber ball," Parker said excitedly.
"That was very good Parker," Brennan beamed at Parker who returned her smile.
"Oh my god you HAVE turned my son into a squint," Booth groaned.
"There is nothing wrong with him being interested in science. I make more money than you so logically you should want him to be a scientist right?" Brennan said with a small smile.
"Booonnneeesss that was just wrong on so many levels," Booth groaned.
"Hey Parker," Hodgins called out as he came into Brennan's office.
"Hi Bug man," Parker smiled.
"You busy?" Hodgins asked Parker with a mischievous smile.
"No..." Parker said.
"If it's okay with your dad we can go play in the ookey room," Hodgins offered.
"Can I dad?" Parker asked Booth excitedly.
"Yeah go ahead just no playing with anything dead or dangerous. Got it Hodgins," Booth said.
"Okay," Hodgins said. He and Parker left the office and headed toward Hodgins office.
Brennan burst out laughing when she heard,
"We'll be building stink bombs."
"HODGINS!" Booth bellowed from the office door. Angela strode through the door and placed a box on her desk.
"Here you go sweetie," Angela said as she was walking out the door.
"I will return in a moment Booth," Brennan said striding from the door. She returned carrying what looked suspiciously like bottle of water.
"Is that water," Booth asked with a suspicious look on his face.
"No it is not," she told him.
Booth sat there for most of the day watching things amass in her office. Mostly mundane looking things and that is what worried Booth. String? Alcohol? Bouncing eggs? What are they going to be doing with these items?
"Bones, I'm going to go do some paperwork," Booth called out as he strode through the lab.
"I will see you tomorrow Booth," Brennan called from Cam's office. Booth looked over and groaned the squint squad and some interns were sitting there grinning. This was going to be bad he just knew it.
April 5th 8:00AM
Booth strode off the elevator towards his office and heard the grumbling behind him. Stopping he turned and raised an eyebrow.
"Is there a problem I need to know about?" Booth asked the cranky agents.
"We have a meeting because of the practical jokes. We're probably going to get in trouble," Jackson grumbled.
"I wouldn't know," shrugged Booth. He turned back around and entered his office. He walked over to his desk and sighed. Sitting behind his desk were the items from Brennan's office yesterday. Sighing he sat down and picked up a memo. He was to attend the meeting as well. Rolling his eyes, he got up and walked back to the elevator.
"Where are you going Booth the meeting is in an hour," Charlie called out to Booth.
"I'm going to get coffee Charlie," Booth told him with a frown.
"There's coffee over in the break room," Charlie told him.
"Nuh uh, you ruined Cam's five hundred dollar shoes. I'm not eating, touching, or doing anything in this office until a peace treaty is reached," Booth said and got in the elevator.
Fifty minutes later, he strode into the conference room, which was filled to capacity. Agents were spread across every available space in the room. Booth grimaced this may have gone too far.
"Booth good you're here," Cam said. Brennan's eyes narrowed into slits and her mouth spread into a grin. Booth closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. They sat waiting for 9 o'clock to roll around.
"Does anyone know exactly why we are here?" Brown asked as he looked around at the other agents.
"Probably because you destroyed a five hundred dollar pair of shoes. Maybe because you defiled the house of reason. But if I were to guess I'd say it was the shoes," Booth told them.
Jackson smirked towards Cam. Cam's eyes narrowed and Booth jerked back at the low growl that issued from her throat. Brennan put her hand on Cam's arm and shook her head. Brennan sat back with that same self-satisfied grin on her face that made Booth start to sweat.
"Booth why is your partner so happy?" Lemming asked with a suspicious look on his face.
"I don't know and that scares me," Booth told Lemming. Booth's phone vibrated in his pocket and took it out.
Brennan: Just stay away from the break room until this is over.
Booth sighed again and rubbed his temples.
"Oh and guys I know you're having fun and whatnot but please leave Rebecca out of this. She is my ex-girlfriend not my current one," Booth said with a frown. Charlie snickered and Booth glared at him.
"So you're sticking with the geeks?" Roberts asked with a frown in Booth's direction. Booth chuckled and went to stand behind Bones and Cam.
"I'm with Bones all the way, never doubt it. Besides that's the smart move, they're geniuses," Booth said with a grin. His phone buzzed again and he glanced at it.
Brennan: Thank you
Booth put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed.
Booth: It's what partners do. Is there a reason you're not saying anything?
Brennan: I've been told it makes people nervous if you do not say anything and smile.
Booth started laughing and looked around the room and noticed that agents shifting nervously in their seats. Cam looked up at Booth in question and he just grinned. Booth stood watching the agents shift nervously and glancing at their watches.
His face smoothed out when he saw Cullen walk into the conference room. He handed Cam a stack of papers, she took one and passed the stack. It took about ten minutes to make it around to all of the agents. Cullen sat down and gave them a minute to read the paper. Booth glanced at the paper in his hands.
If you must continue to prank, each other here are the rules:
1. Leave me out of it.
2. No interfering with cases.
3. No killing anyone.
4. No kidnapping.
5. Nothing dangerous.
6. No complete destruction of federal property.
Signed: Deputy Director Cullen
Cullen stood up looked around the room. He felt his pocket buzz; pulling out his phone, he glanced at the screen.
Booth: Don't eat anything from the break room until I say otherwise
Cullen nodded in understanding then looked up at the agents in the room.
"I don't understand this childish need you and the squints have for this battle. To be honest I don't really care. Just don't kill each other and leave me out of it. Got it? Good," Cullen said then he turned and left the conference room. Cam stood up, leaned forward on the table, and grinned malevolently.
"It's on gentlemen," she said then stood up straight and left the room. Brennan stood up and Booth followed her out of the room. Charlie pulled on Booth's arm halting him.
"Seriously Booth you're with the squints?" Charlie asked Booth in complete amazement.
"Yep," Booth replied then strode to his office. He grabbed the stack of paper work off his desk.
"It's too dangerous to stay here with you guys so I'll be at the Jeffersonian if you need me," Booth said with a smirk.
When the elevator opened, he got on with Brennan and Cam. He watched the agent's mouth's fall open as Brennan grinned then wiggled her fingers at them. Just before the doors closed, Booth saw something fly across the room.
"What was that?" Booth asked them in a near panicked tone.
"Self propelled stink bombs," Cam said in a calm tone.
"How are they self propelled?" Booth asked truly curious.
"Rubber bands and a trip string. One of the agents must have hit it," Brennan said briefly as if she was talking of the weather.
"I hope Angela was able to hack into the security cameras," Brennan said. Everyone made their way to their vehicles when Angela pulled in behind their vehicles. Booth got out of his SUV and glared at Angela.
"What the hell Angela," Booth yelled.
She hopped out with a smile and Hodgins got out of the passengers side of the van. Squinterns began climbing out and crowded around the rear of the van. Booth stood behind Brennan watching over her shoulder.
Booth watched in stunned amazement as she turned on a computer and five large monitors in the back of the minivan lit up. He jerked his head in closer and his eyes got wide as he realized they were the security cameras from the bullpen.
He watched as the agents made their way to their desks. He saw Brown pick up his soda bottle from his desk. He untwisted the cap, and then Booth saw it a small round thing drop into the liquid. Soda began to shoot out all over Brown who was scrambling. Brown put the cap back on but was unable to screw it tight. He turned it once then stopped when the soda stopped spraying.
"Oh my god this is going to be good," Wendell laughed knowing what was about to happen.
The lid blew off the bottle and the cap went flying. Angela hit a button and switched to another camera. Booth saw Johanason pick up his drink and Booth groaned. The squints were rolling and Booth froze.
"Max," he growled in realization.
He remembered when he had taught that same experiment to Parker. Angela spanned out from Johananson and caught Franks sitting down in his cubicle. They waited and saw him reach over and pick something up his stress ball. Booth swallowed hard as he realized what they had done with the bouncing eggs. Franks began squeezing the egg mindlessly, then he increased his grip and the egg burst all over him.
"I am recording this just because some of the stuff won't show up until later this afternoon, plus the recording will have sound," Angela smirked. Brennan squelched a giggle as she saw Lemming sit down at his desk.
"Hodgins," Cam directed. Booth saw Hodgins pull a small device from his pocket. Hodgins fiddled with it for a moment then saw Lemming's paperwork on his desk burst into flames.
"Hey that's going to destroy his paperwork. Not cool," Booth said a little angry.
Brennan rolled her eyes then waved her hand brushing him off. Before Lemming could attempt to put the fire out, the fire died and Booth's eyes got wide at the sight of the paper work with no burns.
A slow fog started to drift down on the agents and they all looked up their eyes widening in horror. The squints burst into laughter at the look. Angela pulled the camera back even more and Booth's eyes got wide at the glowing balls that were now suspended above the agent's heads. The agents began to scramble to get away from glowing balls that were emitting a fog.
Angela hit a button that showed the agents crowded into the break room. She zoomed in so they could see their faces clearer. Booth swore in a low tone as he saw about twenty clear boxes with some kind of goo in it placed all over the room.
Jones spotted it first and Cam burst merrily into laughter. The clear boxes all had a radioactive sticker on the top. Jones mouth moved and most of the agents froze. Charlie came stumbling into the room and bumped into Jones who in turn bumped into one of the cases. It tipped precariously then fell over and broke. The agents began to sweat. Charlie pulled his cell phone from his pocket and called someone. The squints were rolling in laughter at the horrified look on the agents faces.
"Should we call Cullen and tell him that's not radioactive material?" Angela said after spotting the horrified look on Booth's face.
"Nah let them sit together while the forensics unit tests it," Hodgins said.
"Yeah wouldn't want to be anywhere near that room. Especially since they all were fogged by the stink bombs," Angela's laugh rolled merrily from her.
"Jesus you guys are evil," Booth muttered.
"Okay guys back to the lab, the rest will take time," Cam said.
Everyone climbed into their vehicles and left the parking garage trying to steer straight while laughing. When the squints reached the Jeffersonian, they quickly walked to the lab. Angela swiped her card and walked up to the computer usually used for image enhancement. It had the largest monitor; she sat down and began to type. A moment later, the screen showed the men in the break room.
"God the smell is horrible," Fredericks complained.
"Move it Fredericks I want some ice for what is left of my soda," Brown said carefully moving around the agents.
"Guys Brown is getting ice," Angela called. The team rushed the platform and Booth followed at a more sedate pace. He watched as Brown scooped ice into his cup. Setting the cup on the counter he unscrewed the bottle and poured the soda over the ice. Booth's mouth fell open and he began to laugh as the soda began to boil up and over the rim of the cup. Brown jumped back from the cup swearing loudly.
"What the hell my soda is boiling," Brown yelled.
"What do you mean boiling," Charlie said.
"I mean as in like boiling water for pasta Agent Burns," Brown growled.
"Jesus you guys are just plain scary. Remind me to never piss you off," Booth muttered.
Everyone stopped to turn and look at him. They turned back to the screen and began to chuckle as they watched Charlie pour coffee. He dipped his finger in it and wiped it on a white napkin checking for color. He sniffed it suspiciously. Shrugging he picked up the sugar; the squints inhaled and held their breath in anticipation.
Charlie turned the sugar container over and dumped a large amount into his coffee. The squints burst into laughter. Charlie's coffee began to fizzle and bubble. He jumped back from the cup waiting for it to melt. He stood watching his coffee bubble and fizz; finally, he let out a sigh and dumped it into the sink.
"You know I think Booth knew about this. He got his coffee from the coffee cart this morning," Roberts grumbling.
"You think?" Charlie said with a snicker.
The squints turned to look at Booth with raised eyebrows.
"What? I wanted coffee and I am not drinking from either coffee pots until this war is over," Booth said emphatically. They turned back to the screen and burst into laughter at the sight. A box full of papers and pens were being pushed into the room. Charlie's phone rang and he answered it, he hit a button and put the phone on the table.
"Since you have ticked off the squints and they have exposed you to possible radioactive material you will be kept in the break room until the forensics team can get here. Until then you can do paper work, if it is radioactive material the paper work will be destroyed and you can do it again. Here are copies of your cases and the proper forms you need," Cullen's voice came across the line.
The squints turned and went about their work sniggering as they went. Booth walked to Brennan's office and plopped down on her couch. Leaning over he picked up his pen, which was immediately snatched from his hand. It was quickly replaced with another.
"Bones, what the hell?" Booth asked in frustration at her antics.
"This pen will no longer function properly. So I gave you one that would," Brennan told him primly, throwing the pen in the garbage as she walked out of the office.
Booth let out a sigh and began to work on the paper work that had amassed on his desk in the last few weeks. He jerked up straight two hours later at the sound of several very angry bellows. He was up and moving towards the platform to see what had happened.
"Is everyone okay?" Booth asked almost frantically as he swiped his card and charged up the steps. The squints on the platform were laughing, Wendell had to sit down he was laughing so hard. Booth's eyes immediately shot to the screen to see agents frantically flipping through their paper work cursing.
"I just finished this it took me over an hour to fill out Damn it," Roberts bellowed. This just caused the squints to laugh harder.
"You think they're ready?" Brennan asked between gasps of laughter.
"Yeah we've had enough fun for one day," Cam said giggling. Booth shook his head two sounds he never thought he'd hear. Cam giggling and Brennan laughing right along with her. Angela walked over to the computer and typed in a few things and the lights in the break room went out.
"What the hell now we have to sit in the dark. Damn it," Jones yelled in frustration. Angela hit another button and a black light began to shine from under the camera in the break room. The agents stared in horror as the bowls of goo in the radio active cases began to glow.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," Brown muttered. Then out of nowhere, Charlie began to curse and holler.
"Arrrgghh squints," he bellowed and the squints burst into laughter. Charlie had spotted their message on the wall. Angela moved the camera and Booth saw a glowing message on the wall.
You may be investigators but be aware,
We are smarter and have more flair.
Booth is ours and what is ours we keep
So think long and think deep
Because that green glow you have
is really not attractive
Because that goo is not radio active
Booth tried not to laugh but he couldn't help himself.
"Did you have to do it in poetry?" Booth said as he tried to control his laughter.
A/N I am always looking for new ideas for retaliation so feel free to PM me with ideas. As always reviews are good!