This one shot won 2nd place Judges Choice in the Awkward Turtle contest :)
WIHS is a collaboration with Nicci (EdwardsLove82) which is always fun so hugs and love to her because she's just plain awesome.
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns the characters and we have our wicked way with them. There are no lemons in this (we were as surprised as you are) but there are foul mouths...
I had awoken this morning to the buzzing of my cell phone. Edward had apologised for waking me before insisting I came round to his house for the day. I'd mumbled my agreement in a sleepy daze, regretting it two minutes later when he was no longer on the phone and I saw the time. It had only just gone seven; at least three hours earlier than I had wanted to be awake.
Within half an hour I had dragged myself out of bed, showered, dressed and driven to his house. The sooner I arrived, the sooner I could chastise him for the disruption to my much needed sleep.
The door had been opened by a sheepish looking Edward, his hair in complete disarray as he stood in his pyjamas, half shielded by the door. He knew what he had done.
I had slid passed him and into the house, making my way to the kitchen in silence.
"The coffee has just brewed." He had told me, indicating to a bright yellow mug with a smiley face printed above the words 'Turn that frown upside down'. I rolled my eyes at his antics, pouring my coffee into the mug and inhaling the delicious scent.
"I made breakfast, too." He stood a few feet in front of the door, pointing to the plate on the counter. As I approached, I realised he had made alphabet spaghetti on toast. There was a disjointed semi circle of the edible letters around the edge of the plate.
Ma powerful weapon can even break ice
I choked on a mouthful of coffee as I read the words. I laughed at the ridiculousness, having been caught off guard. I chanced a glance at Edward who smiled smugly at me.
"It really works; I learned from experience." He insisted.
"You... really?" I asked, my tone a mix of amusement and disbelief.
"Yes, you should try it some time." Edward approached me to look at his work of art. His face burned red when he saw the plate, his previously cocky expression being replaced with embarrassment. I heard snickering and Edward looked around the room as Emmett tumbled through the pantry door.
"You should have seen your faces." He guffawed, pointing at us as he doubled over, clutching his stomach.
"Emmett!" Edward growled, glaring at his brother. I couldn't help but giggle at the whole scenario, but Edward seemed unable to see the funny side.
"It really works; I learned from experience." Emmett quoted Edward's earlier words, causing his cheeks to turn a deeper shade of red.
"You're such an ass."
"Dude, it was funny. It made Bella laugh and wasn't that the point?" Edward huffed and I smothered a grin as I wrapped my arms around his waist. Emmett waggled his eyebrows at me and I stuck my tongue out in return, pressing my cheek into Edward's chest.
"It was meant to say 'A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.' but it doesn't say that anymore." Edward grumbled, glaring at the pasta shapes and soggy toast. I rolled my eyes, although he couldn't see it.
"It could have been worse." I pointed out.
"I could have eaten it all before she even saw it?" Emmett suggested, eyeing the plate hungrily as he patted his stomach.
Edward stayed with me as I picked through the manhandled breakfast he made for me. Emmett walked by us and messed up Edward's hair as he ducked and ran from the kitchen. Edward mumbled something that sounded like "We'll see". I just shrugged it off as more loving brother behaviour.
Hours later I was curled up in Edward's bed, wrapped up in his arms with my head on his shoulder and a book in my hands.
"It's like, literally freezing in here, Edward. Doesn't your family believe in heat? I need a long sleeved shirt." Being snuggled up in his blankets just wasn't working out very well, I needed more layers.
"Where's your Kings of Leon shirt? I love that shirt…" I muttered as I looked around the room at the growing pile of dirty clothes sitting on the furniture. "And, when do you plan on doing laundry?" I stuck my tongue out at him as I put my book aside and stood up. His eyes rolled and a smirk crept up on his beautiful face and I knew he had no intentions on doing laundry any time soon. I snorted a laugh and smiled at him, and then he told me to check in the dresser. I walked over to his dresser, and started fumbling around looking for my favourite Edward shirt. In his top drawer, buried under some of his black t-shirts, was something that looked like a dark blue, lacy garter belt.
"Why do you have…." I trailed off, unable to comprehend what I thought I was seeing.
"What?" Turning to face me, he asked as I stared, bewildered at the item that I couldn't possibly be seeing in there.
"Oh… uhhh…nothing!" I quickly closed the drawer, stood up and walked back over towards the bed. "You probably left the shirt at my house or something." I sat down on the bed, wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and sat there pondering the possibilities of why a garter belt would be in his possession. I picked up my book, and stole a few quick glances at Edward. I know he would never cheat on me… There must be a perfectly good reason why he would have that. Maybe it belonged to Alice…. Yeah! It probably just got mixed in the laundry or something.
"Hey, you hungry? I skipped breakfast." Edward looked hopeful that I would say yes, so I nodded and stood up as he took my hand and led me out of his room and down the stairs into the kitchen. Emmett and Jasper were sitting at the counter, looking a little guilty about something, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to know.
"Sup Bro? … what were you guys doing up there? Getting a little… frisk-ay?" Emmett asked Edward, with a slight elbow nudge and a raised eyebrow.
"Shut up Em, what would you know about… frisk-ay, anyway?" Edward mimicked his brothers teasing voice, as he threw a cookie at him. I laughed as I watched Emmett fumble his hands to try and catch the cookie in one piece, but he failed epically and looked completely heartbroken.
"Awww, come on Bro… I was gonna eat that! Such an asshole!" He shook his head and rolled his eyes as he took a seat at the table while he glared at the most handsome of the Cullen men.
I felt kind of bad for Emmett, I knew how much he loved his sister's chocolate chip cookies. "Don't cry, Em… I'm sure Alice will make some more cookies for you when she gets home." I rubbed his back and hugged my arms around his neck, so I could comfort him.
"You're the nice one B. What do you see in my brother anyway? You clearly picked the wrong Cullen!" He joked, getting cockier by the second. He turned slightly, to angle his body to mine and snaked his hand around my waist. I saw Edward's eyes lock on his brother's arm as he held me in place beside him. I watched his jaw tighten and his fists ball up next to his sides, so I'm pretty sure Em did too.
"Ya know… I could make you feel good, Bella. I would make you cu-"
"Shut the fuck up Emmett!" Edward yelled, cutting off his brother. "…And get your hands off my woman, before I tell Rose you masturbate to L'Oreal commercials." He stalked over to us and ripped me from his brother's arms. He smacked the back of Emmett's head as we walked passed him, to the other side of the kitchen. Edward picked me up and set me down on the counter, right next to the stove, as he cooked us lunch.
"That's cold Edward." Emmett said with a dead serious look on his face. "You know I love the way those chicks moan when they wash their hair… What's not to like? Naked, shower, wet and soapy, moaning… It's a fucking brilliant marketing idea." I had never seen anyone take on such a powerful and serious tone when explaining something so ridiculous. He even put his hands up to show how offended he was.
"You have no shame." Jasper choked out as he laughed with a mouthful of orange juice.
"I really didn't want to know that Emmett." I wrinkled my nose, shaking my head at him, but he simply shrugged, stuffing pieces of cookie into his mouth.
I watched intently as Edward cooked, his brothers bantering back and forth as I waited. Soon, Edward slid a plate of angel hair pasta with broccoli in front of me, holding his own plate in his hands.
"You'll come, won't you Bella?" Emmett asked, turning towards me.
"What?" I'd tuned out a few minutes ago, too focused on eating to listen to the conversation.
"We're going to the store, you'll come, right?" Jasper clarified.
"Sure, I'll go with you." I agreed with a smile. "Are you coming, Edward?"
"No, not today."
"Can we tempt you with a trolley race?" Emmett raised his eyebrows, waiting for Edward's answer.
"I wouldn't want to beat you in public, your ego might be bruised."
"No chance of that, dearest brother, you race like a girl!" Emmett teased in response. I smacked him over the back of the head.
"Ow fuck, that hurt like a donkey on a roundabout!" He whined, rubbing his head.
"That makes no sense whatsoever. I really do worry about you sometimes."
"I know what I mean." He huffed.
"That makes a change." Edward interjected with a grin.
After clearing away the mess in the kitchen, I filed out the front door behind Emmett and Jasper, leaving Edward behind. We clambered into Em's Jeep and he drove to the store much faster than was necessary.
"I remember why we never let you drive."
"It's not my fault the speed limit makes me impatient." He argued, slinging an arm over my shoulders as we walked. I jabbed a finger into his ribs, causing him to squeal in surprise.
"I'm not a crutch, your arm is damn heavy." I puffed, shrugging out of his grasp.
"If you squash her, there will be nobody to pay for the groceries." Jasper told Emmett, his tone serious.
"Back up there mister! I am not paying for your food!"
"Why else do you think we asked you to come?" He asked me.
"Here I was thinking you two just wanted the pleasure of my delightful company!"
"Nope, that definitely wasn't it." Jasper shook his head and I stuck my tongue out.
"The things I put up with." I sighed. "If even for a minute I thought you were serious..." I trailed off, glaring at them both.
"I'm pushing the trolley!" Emmett boomed unexpectedly, dashing off ahead of us in clear excitement.
"I think he's lost his marbles." I admitted with a smile.
"I don't think he had any in the first place." Jasper smirked as we watched Emmett running back towards us, pushing the trolley as though he were driving a race car.
"How old is he again?" I asked, jokingly.
"I have my doubts." As Emmett came closer we could hear the car noises he was making and I momentarily debated whether I could walk passed him and pretend I didn't know him. Edward may have had a lucky escape.
With a back seat full of groceries and a very happy Emmett, we pulled into the Cullen's garage. We hopped out of the Jeep, snatching up the bags of food.
"We should go and get Edward, he'll be happy to know we brought you back in one piece." Emmett teased as he ruffled up my hair on the top of my head. I scrunched my face in disgust as I tried to push his big arms away from me.
"Jerk. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" I huffed and moved around Jasper, to get as far away from Emmett as I possibly could.
"Where's the fun in that?" He said, as we headed into the house to look for Edward.
We went in through the kitchen door and heard faint sounds of music coming from upstairs. As we walked further into the house, having left the groceries on the kitchen counter, we all stopped and looked at each other.
"Dude, is Alice here?" Emmett asked Jasper, with a stupefied look on his face.
"No, she's out with Rose and Esme. They went to Port Angeles for the day and won't be home until late tonight." He answered, looking up towards the ceiling, almost as if he were trying to see through it.
"Well then… who's …." He trailed off as the music became louder and clearer. We could hear the lyrics, clear as day. There was no mistaking it; we knew what song it was… we just didn't know where it was coming from.
I come home in the morning light,
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"
Oh, mother, dear,
We're not the fortunate ones,
They wanna have fu-un.
Just wanna have fun.
We stood there, waiting, as if someone were going to jump out from around the corner or something. Three idiots, staring up the hall stairs, just listening… waiting for an explanation.
The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?"
Oh, daddy, dear,
You know you're still number one,
They wanna have fu-un,
Oh, girls, just wanna have
That's all they really want...
"Can't be…." Emmett trailed off as he stalked up the stairs, two at a time. Jasper and I looked back and forth between each other and Emmett, then simultaneously dashed for the stairs, racing each other to see what was going on. We followed Emmett, giggling and trying to be as quiet as possible, as we all marched towards Edward's bedroom.
We stood, huddled together outside the door, with our heads pressed together so we could listen for… I don't know what. Emmett shook his head, and went for the door knob, with a shit eating grin on his face. He was so hoping to catch his brother listening to something "chick-ish" so he could torture him for the rest of his life!
Emmett burst through the door and froze in place. Jasper and I flanked his sides, and once we got a glimpse of what floored Em, we were frozen too.
When the working day is done,
They wanna have fu-un,
Just wanna have fun...
Wanna have fun.
Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.
They wanna have fu-un.
Just wanna have
That's all they really want...
The music was blaring from the speakers, and then I saw him…
Singing…. And dancing…
Dressed as a …. Drag Queen?
Oh. My. God.
Edward was miming enthusiastically into a hairbrush as he swung his hips to the music. It was a few seconds before he noticed the three of us standing there, gawking at him. We all stood there perfectly still as our jaws were dropped almost to the ground. Emmett and Jasper looked at each other with burning red cheeks as they tried their best not to make eye contact with Edward. All I could do was try to get a grip on the fact that my boyfriend was caught red handed... wearing ruffled panties under his obscenely short skirt!
"What. The. Fuck?" Emmett cranked out a barely there sentence, as we all took in the disturbing sight in front of us. "Dude…. I…. I can't even talk to you right now…. Are you wearing lipstick?... And…. Pantyhose?" Emmett stood there, his face scrunched up in confusion, cheeks red from embarrassment, not knowing if he should turn to leave or if he should diffuse the situation with his brother.
"Dude. So, you're like a closet queen?" Jasper asked nonchalantly, as he stared at his brother. "Does this mean I can call dibs on Bella?" With a raised eyebrow, and a wink in my direction, he tried to get some sort of response out of either one of his two brothers, who were both wearing the most ridiculous, and terrified faces, I had ever seen!
"Ummm …. I uhhh …." Edward trailed off, as he looked down and hit a button to shut off the music. His fingers toyed with the hem of his skirt as he stammered nervously. "Bella…. This isn't… I mean…"
"Edward…. What is this? Are you…" I trailed off, not able to finish my question. Looking down, I fumbled with the edge of my shirt, I couldn't look at him. I felt my stomach drop and the world seemed to start spinning.
"I uhhh…. Got something…. I have to do… ummm… bye!" Emmett looked so scared as he walked backwards through the door, stumbling over his words. Moments later he was out of sight and I heard his heavy foot falls on the stairs. I could almost picture him running from the house like a mad man, in true Emmett style. I still couldn't form a complete thought as I tried to process the complete and utter SNAFU that I walked in on. This was a classic "Situation Normal, All Fucked Up" type of moment, if I've ever seen one!
Nobody said anything; we were all avoiding each other's gaze as the silence stretched on.
Eventually, a tinkling laugh rang out from behind us and Alice squeezed passed Jasper and I, into the room, with a grin on her face.
"He squealed like a girl, I don't think I've ever seen him so freaked out. You win, Edward, but it was worth it." She glanced over his outfit, her hands on her hips. "That colour lipstick doesn't suit you, by the way. I would have gone for more of a peach colour than the crimson." She trilled as though this sort of scene presented itself every day.
"Did I miss something?" I interrupted, finally finding my voice. I exchanged a confused glance with Jasper, whose hands were buried deep in his pockets.
"You didn't tell them yet?" Alice scolded Edward. She slid her camera out of her pocket and held it up.
"Alice! Don't you dare!" He growled as the shutter clicked. "If anybody sees that, you're dead." He threatened, his jaw clenched.
"Don't be such a grump." She stepped out of his reach and returned the camera to her pocket before turning to face us. "Don't worry, B, Edward's as straight as a ruler. A normal one, not a bendy one." She chirped with a giggle. I eyed my boyfriend dubiously; positive I would never get this image out of my head. Perhaps bleaching my brain was the only option, although hypnotherapy may hurt less.
"You see, Edward and I had a very interesting bet going. Nobody has ever been able to get Emmett. It's hard to prank someone who isn't afraid of anything, but my darling brother here, said he could do it. I had my doubts, but I was wrong. This was epic! Edward, how long are you going to let him walk around thinking you're a drag queen?" She exploded with laughter and even Edward couldn't contain himself any longer.
"Hand over the money, Pixie." He held out a hand expectantly, smearing his lipstick with the back of his other hand. She pulled out a wad of cash and placed it in his open palm before holding out her hand for him to shake.
"I have to hand it to you, I'm impressed. You went above and beyond." She commented. "And I got the whole thing on video. Especially Emmett running away like a girl. He is never going to live it down." Her grin was smug.
I heard somebody approaching and turned to see who it was.
A very uncomfortable looking Emmett.
"Uhhh... Edward look... You're my brother and I want to be supportive. It's just going to take a very long time before I can wrap my head around this. And, now that you're ... whatever you are... I am officially calling dibs on Bella!" He put his hands up to show the seriousness of his words. As if there were any justice to them. I rolled my eyes and smacked him in the back of his head as I noticed Jasper, Edward and Alice all trying their very best to conceal their laughter. Emmett caught their shuffling around and looked even more confused than he was a minute ago.
"What?" He asked with a genuine wonderment. There were some more averted gazes and scratching heads as we all tried not to look at each other.
"WHAT?" He yelled, showing slight aggravation, combined with his frustration and confusion, he was getting a little anxious. Alice started to let her tinkling laughter escape her and fill the room, provoking Jasper, Edward and myself to soon join her in a fit of hysterics.
"You know what? ... I don't wanna know! I give up. I'm the only normal person in this entire family." With a throw of his hands, Emmett huffed and walked out of the room. When we were sure he was out of ear shot, we all burst out into wild laughter. I walked over to my Edward and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I love you. And, you look so hot in this little skirt." I teased him as I reached my arm around to slap him on the ass. He shifted uncomfortably and nudged my neck with his nose before he placed a soft kiss there.
"I love you, Bella. Will you still love me forever, even if I decide to keep my new wardrobe?" He asked with a smile and a low chuckle. I nodded and kissed him straight on his perfect, pouty and crimson lips.
"Hey, B... I didn't know you were into chicks ... nice!" Jasper joked as he walked towards the door, trailing a still hysterical Alice behind him.
"Hey Jasper... I hope you brought your knee pads." Edward called out to Jasper as he was about to leave the room.
"What?" Jasper asked with a clearly amused expression on his face.
"I could really use a blow job." Edward said as he laughed and turned us away from his brother, heading towards the bed. I heard Jasper laugh and mutter that his brother was an asshole. I laughed into his mouth as he kissed me and we both collapsed onto his bed as he wrapped his arms around me. I was almost distracted by his ruffly panties, sticking out from under his skirt. This was going to be a long night.
Special thanks to Jordan, our wonderful Beta! You are amazing and we both love you dearly!
Hope you all enjoyed a bit of DragWard. He's been hiding in our closet for quite some time and we felt we should bring him to life for The Awkward Turtle Contest!
Special Thanks to the judges for liking it enough to give us 2nd place Judges Choice! Thank you for our banner too... it's so purrteh !
Reviews make us happy. When we're happy, we can make you happy...
That's all folks!
Nicci & Callie