I have returned! (Sort of!) Here's a little funny story that Faith Karma and I came up with. It concerns just as the name implies...ZOMBIES!
"So you have a machete, a lighter and three bottles of gasoline; and you're going to pour the gas on the blade and light the whole thing on fire?" Alice looked over at her brother with increasing skepticism as his plan took shape.
"No you're missing the whole point; a flaming sword is a sure thing to scare a mob of zombies off." Emmett gave his sister a hard look as he stood up and began to pantomime running around with a flaming sword as he diced up imaginary zombies, leaving imaginary carnage in his imaginary wake.
Alice scoffed. Again.
"Oh and I'm sure you have a much better plan, huh, miss smarty pants?" Emmett asked as he, none too gently, plopped himself down into an overstuffed arm chair.
"Of course I do." Alice tapped her head with her fore and middle fingers, "I can think, unlike some of us, I have a brain."
"Oh really now?" Emmett said crossing his arms, "Well then miss High-n-Mighty, why don't you just tell me your plan for surviving the Zombie Apocolypse."
"Well it starts with a hell of a lot more preparation then just running around with a flaming sword, drawing who knows how much attention from the zombie hordes. I'm going to start with modifying a trucks engine to be quiet enough to drive without sounding like I'm in a war zone. And I'm going to weld a cattle catcher thing to the front of it, like the kind that used to be welded to the front of trains."
"Oh that's a great idea!" Emmett butted in, slapping his thigh as he laughed.
"You think so too?"
"No, not about your silly little cattle catcher!" Emmett rolled his eyes, "I'm going to get a cattle prod; no I should get two cattle prods and hook them up to car batteries that I carry around in a back pack. That way I can walk around and shock the shit out of any zombie that's unlucky enough to cross me." Once again, the burly vampire stood out of his chair and paced the room, shocking phantom zombies and making zzzzz sounds as he passed.
"As I was saying!" Alice cut him off, mid-zap. "I'm going to mount a cattle catcher on the front of the car so I can just push them all out of my way. And all around the outside of the truck will be coils and coils of razor wire."
"And what, you're just going to drive pushing zombies out of your way until you run out of gas?"
"Now that's just stupid, I'm going to have guns, lots and lots of guns, all silenced so that when I shoot one from my truck, his buddies aren't going to turn around and charge at me. Then I'm going to head for the coast, find a boat and sail to some island someplace where there's a ton of food and no zombies."
"That…that…that…that is so freakin' boring I can't believe it. Sure it makes sense, but there's no sense when it comes to the Zombie Apocalypse." He was pacing again. "Plans need, flair, they need style they need…"
"Flaming machetes?" Alice offered.
"Precisely, your plan doesn't even involve fire. You know what you should do sis: you should rig something up so you can pour and ignite gas in the wake of your zombiemobile! That way any zombie that tries to chase you all Dawn of the Dead style will get burnt to a crisp!"
"Then I'll just have a crispy zombie on my ass! Unless somehow a little bit of gas manages to cook the brain enough to kill it I'm inviting more trouble than it's worth." Alice too had stood up somewhere in her rant, though she restrained herself enough so that she wasn't acting anything out…yet. "But I see your point I do need something off the back end to slow them down. Oh I got it, one of those new automatic shotguns that use those big Tommy-gun drums."
"See, now you're thinking like a zombvivor. That's a zombie survivor."
Alice stopped and gave her brother an ice glance second only to one from Rosalie. "I know what a zombvivor is, just like I know what the Zombpocolypse is. And don't interrupt me! So I have the shotguns coming out the back, but they'll be belt fed so I don't have to stop and reload."
"Okay, so that's how you're going to do it; who all coming with you?"
"Everyone in the family, who else needs to come? Oh I guess, since you'll be running around with your lighter and sword, hacking and slashing; you won't be coming then, sorry. Who's coming with you?"
"Pfft! No one's coming with me, the big dog flies solo."
"And does Rosalie know about this yet? Oh, speak of the devil," Alice said pointing out the window.
"Hell no she doesn't; and she's not going to either!" Emmet said with wide eyes.
Alice went back to the couch and sat down, flipping open a magazine. Once Rosalie had made it to the living room Alice chirped, "So Rosalie, what's your plan for the Zombie Apocalypse?"
Rosalie stopped mid-step, turned, and looked at her husband and sister in the living room. Raising an eyebrow she said, "You two are vampires, vampires, what are you worrying about zombies for."
"Two words," Emmett said, "Vampire, zombies!"