The pain cuts at him like a knife. He can barely walk; barely breathe as he goes through the halls of the order. Opening the door and then toppling onto his bed he cries out into the night. The pain was because of Kanda and the hurt was because he said what he should have kept to himself. The self loathing was inevitable and he knew it from the beginning but his heart had been the one speaking and chose the wrong to person to open itself up to.


"Kanda! Wait up I want to talk to you." Lavi shouted as Kanda continued on his journey to his bedroom.

"What do you want?" he said in a bored tone that made Lavi's heart beat faster.

"I really don't know how to begin, I should probably just come right out and say it, but then that would possibly ruin everything…" Lavi began rambling on about something and Kanda was getting irritated.

"Baka Usagi! Just say what you came to say!"

He looked uncertainly straight into the samurai's eyes, "Kanda, I'm in love with you…" there was hope in his gaze that was dashed at the next comment that was made.

"Get away from me." Kanda said in a quiet yet threatening voice. He turned to go and I grabbed him arm.


"Didn't you hear what I said, get away from me!" he shook his arm out of my grasp, "It's inhuman to love a man when you're one yourself. Don't talk to me; I don't want to see your disgusting face again." With that he stalked off and left Lavi alone.

*End Flashback*

Weeks later and Lavi is less than he was before. His clothes were falling off him because of the lack of food. He winces but does not cry out as he slices the knife across his forearm for the third time this week. He has become numb to the pain, just like he became numb to him. Lavi doesn't see him, doesn't hear him, and will never talk to him, ever.

He walks done to the cafeteria and sees a man sitting with long black hair. He turns, so he doesn't have to see the person that made him die inside, to leave again. This is the fourth time this week Lavi has left the cafeteria because this man was still there. Always haunting and never even saying anything. Lavi loved him still.

"Wait, Lavi!" Allen runs up to him. No one notices Kanda's head turning slightly at the name. "You have to eat something. Please let me get some food for you and we can talk."

"Okay," he says in a small voice. Kanda's heart nearly breaks when hearing it. He didn't know the pain he had caused; he didn't realize that Lavi was so fragile; he didn't know how much he really cared for Lavi. His words had hurt Lavi and now he was broken and needed fixing.

He couldn't do anything for him though. He might hurt Lavi worse than he already has. He wished he could take it all back but nothing would take away the pain he had…nothing…