FE Channel 8 News
Warning: This might be offensive to some people.
"A terrifying moment for a woman," the news anchor began, staring straight at the screen, "who woke up to a strange man in bed with her."
The man looked slightly disturbed, but he continued.
"The woman screamed—"
Oh, yeah, Valter remembered that scream. Delicious…
"—and her brother rushed in to help to try to fight the offender off. That break-in happened early this morning in the 500 block of King Drive in Renais. FE Channel 8's L'Arachel Gentle caught up with the victims. L'Arachel, emotions were running high?"
Valter grinned. Now they were getting to the good part. He just loved the early morning news. It was full of… interesting stories.
"Good morning, Saleh," the blonde reporter said, making a very real attempt to look somewhat serious. The camera panned over to her face and stayed there as she continued to talk. "The woman victim tells us a man broke into her house and tried to rape her. Her brother, uh, went in and he tried to help her out, but the man got away, leaving behind, though, evidence of his visit!"
She was too peppy to be allowed to be on the morning news, Valter thought. Only stoic-faced angst-ridden losers should be allowed to report things. He shrugged off the mention of something being left behind.
It was probably a hair. Hell, knowing the trash that lived on King Drive in Renais, it was probably their own hair.
He settled in for the rest of the broadcast as the camera switched over to the victim.
"Eirika Dodson was asleep with her little girl inside their apartment on King Drive when…"
Eirika herself came on, speaking into the microphone. Valter leaned forward, as if doing so would let him hear better.
"I was attacked…by some idiot," the young woman began, not looking into the camera at all, but instead right at the reporter, "from out here in the Projects."
Well, she could believe that all she wanted.
She really had no idea, did she?
She was just guessing.
"Dodson says her attacker used a garbage can to climb onto the unit's ledge, open the upstairs window, and then he got in bed with her," said the reporter as the camera showed the garbage can and the ledge, along with the window.
Well, it wasn't as if anyone had moved the garbage can there—it had already been there. Using the terrain to one's advantage was something even Boy Scouts knew to do.
"He tried to rape me," Eirika insisted as the camera turned back to her. "He tried to pull my clothes off."
"Dodson struggled with her attacker, knocking over items in her bedroom. Ephraim Dodson heard his sister scream, and ran to help."
The camera panned to Ephraim, and the kid started babbling into the microphone. "Wellll," he began, "obviously we have a rapist in Renais! He's climbin' in your windows, he's snatchin' your people up tryin' to rape 'em, so y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and…hide your husband, 'cause they be rapin' everybody out here."
No. No no no.
People didn't talk like that on the news.
There were supposed to be tears and rage. There was not supposed to be insanity on the early morning news.
"The attacker got loose and went out the upstairs window, but he did leave something behind…!" L'Arachel sounded all too excited to convey this message to the public.
"Come on, what is it? A hair? Maybe a bit of spit? A dash of blood?"
Ephraim appeared again, "We got your t-shirt, and you left fingerprints and all…you're soo dumb!"
Well, Valter thought, at least he hadn't left his do-rag. It was his favorite, after all, and he would be very sad to have to part with it.
"You are really dumb! For real!"
Valter was not impressed.
"A crime scene investigator photographed and dusted for prints on the lid of the garbage can and the windowpane and ledge. Dodson says he's never seen the perp before, but sends this warning to whoever is responsible…"
Valter grinned and waited to see what the little punk would threaten him with. Death? Torture? This might be fun.
"You don't have to come and confess that you did it."
Well, he had no plans to. No, really, no plans to confess anything to anyone.
"We're lookin' for you. We gon' find you. I'm lettin' you know now. So you can run and tell that. Homeboy."
Valter wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry from embarrassment for the kid. Homeboy.
"Now," L'Arachel said happily, "if you have any information on this crime, you're urged to call Renais's Police Department. We'll have much more from the victims of that attack coming up at 6:00. Reporting live in Renais, L'Arachel Gentle, FE Channel 8 News."
Well, well, well. Valter leaned back in his chair and smiled. Six o'clock news. He could eat his dinner and have some entertainment at the same time. "See you at six, Eirika," he said before he hit the power button on his remote control.
I couldn't resist. This wasn't intended to be taken seriously at all, and was not written with the intent to offend anyone. Rape (or intent to rape) an assault are not funny. This is a parody of the "Rapist in Lincoln Park" news story.