A/N I own nothing, all characters belong to J.K Rowling and her publisher.

A/N I wrote all of these on a plane to Baltimore so if they're not funny you can blame it on the air pressure.

101 things to do at Hogwarts


1. Ask Snape if he would like to borrow some shampoo and conditioner.

2. Go up to Harry, point to his scar and yell; "The mark! They're coming for you next!"

3. Dare a first year to touch the Whooping Willow saying it will magically turn them black and blue.

4. Ask the Fat Lady why she was painted so fat.

5. Shave off Dumbledores' beard while he's sleeping.

6. Tell Ron that since he's a ginger he has no soul.

7. Catch Ms. Norris and give her back to Filch as a wand.

8. Offer to let Hermione ride your special broomstick all night long.

9. Inform Oliver Wood the Quidditch team left him to go play soccer.

10. Run around on a broom and scream, "Weeee! I can FLY!"

11. Act amazed when the sinks are turned on and whisper, "Wow, magic."

12. Show Hagrid your new dragon leather boots and tell him they were custom made in Romania by a rare dragon name Norbert.

13. Draw a lightning bolt on your forehead in sharpie and run up to Harry saying, "Look, we're twins!"

14. Introduce Ron to online chess.

15. Tell Peeves you've hired the Ghost Busters to get rid of him.

16. When in Gringotts walk around obnoxiously and loudly exclaim, "What a dump!"

17. Offer to braid Dumbledores' beard.

18. Replace Snapes' bottles of potions with bottles of Viagra.

19. Tell Luna Lovegood you saw a Snerpleduffer and ask her to go hunting for them with you.

20. Replace the Sorting Hat with a baseball cap.

21. Ask why we must take trains to Hogwarts when magic carpets are so much better for the environment.

22. Find out what the hell a hufflepuff is.

23. Give Hagrid a ham sandwich and when he eats it happily explain to him it's made of griffin meat.

24. Ask the History of Magic teacher of he died because his subject was so boring.

25. When everyone asks where you are from tell them Narnia.


A/N 25 down, 76 more to go.

A/N Review please!