(The stage lights are off as the creative team stands in the audience area.)
Author: (to Director) Everything set?
Author: Alright, let's do this!
(Lights come on the Capulet tomb. Juliet lies, motionless, in the middle of the stage on a platform. Enter Paris and his Page)
Paris: Alright, I'm going in. Stay out here and keep watch.
Page: I-I don't know, boss.
Paris: Don't tell me you're scared?
Paris: Oh come on! The worst that can happen to you is if you trip on a rock… which turns out to be a coyote… and he likes to eat human flesh….
Page: (about to run offstage) MOMMY! (But Paris grabs him before he can escape)
Paris: I'm only joking. Besides, it's Renaissance Italy, we don't get coyotes.
Director: (interrupting) Actually-!
Author: (elbowing him in the gut) Shush! Don't ruin my thunder!
Director: (raising his eyebrow) But it's his line.
Author: My writing. Now shut up!
Paris: Now, let me see your torch. (Shaking, the Page hands the torch over) Now, when you see someone coming, whistle for me, okay?
Page: Y'know, I'm not so sure about the whistle thing. It's too… old school.
Paris: Okay, then what do you recommend?
Page: This. (he pulls out an airhorn and presses the button, making Paris cover his ears in pain)
Paris: DO you want to whole city to hear us?
Page: Meh, fine. What about a bird call?
Paris: How will I know it's you?
Page: 'Cuz I'll be doing this. (Cups his hands around his mouth and very LOUDLY…) CAH-CAH! CAH-CAH!
Paris: Oh yeah, I'll know. Now go keep watch! (The Page, slighting terrified, runs offstage. Paris looks at Juliet.) Oh my sweet flower, Juliet…. I wish I could've gotten to know you more before your untimely death. If only you were alive now, I would do whatever I could to make you happy….
Director: (to Author) You were reading YA romance novels when you wrote this part, weren't you? (Author punches him in the arm as they continue to watch)
Paris: Oh Juliet, my beautiful flower, why did you have to leave us? Why must Death be so unkind to us, to take you, my once future bride? Why must you-?
Page: CAH-CAH! CAH-CAH!
Paris: (yelling offstage) Was that really necessary?
Page: Yes, you were starting to sound like a frickin' idiot! Also, someone's coming!
Paris: I must hide! (he dashes back and forth on the stage. Finally, when he starts hearing footsteps, he just stands still against the wall, like a statue)
(Enter Romeo and Balthasar.)
Romeo: Finally, I thought the traffic was going to slow us down.
Balthasar: Sir, it was a rock that you thought was a man on a horse.
Romeo: (awkwardly) Oh. (shaking it off) Anyway, I'm going to go into the tomb and join my Juliet. But- (pulls out his sword and presses it to Balthasar's throat.) I charge thee. Whatever thou hearest or seest, stand all aloof.
Balthasar: You're gonna hate me for this, but you sound just like Mercutio.
Romeo: (confused, having realized that he hadn't thought about his friend since the *ahem* incident) Who?
Balthasar: (appauled) Wow. Some friend you are. Alright, I'll take off. Enjoy your time with your lady.
Romeo: (putting down his sword) Thank you, my friend. I pray that life treats you well. (he runs towards Juliet's "tomb" as Balthasar stands alone)
Balthasar: I have a bad feeling about this…. (hides behind a wooden tree)
Author: Um…. Wood?
Director: What do you expect? I'm on a budget!
Author: (musically and tauntingly) Sure…. Next thing you know you'll say we have an unlimited budget for a fancier theatre!
Director: (starts to say something, but draws back)
Romeo: Oh, Juliet…. You were my lover, my life, my baby…my wife….
Tech Guy: (emerging from behind the creative duo) Hey, isn't that-? (Before he's able to finish his sentence, the two elbow him the gut, forcing him to remain quiet)
Romeo: Why does Death have to be so cruel, my love? I've known you for less than a week and you are surely the most beautiful woman I have ever met. If only I could kiss you one last time-.
Paris: (acting like he jumped from nowhere) Don't even think about it, Montague!
Romeo: (blatantly confused, points to where he last was) Did you-?
Paris: Thanks. I thought those acting classes would pay off. (snapping back into character) Now, Montague, you shall come with me and face death.
Romeo: How about we just fast forward to the fighty-clashy dying portion of the story?
Paris: (shrugs) Alright, I'm flexible.
(They battle it out, their swords ringing in their ears. They jump, they squeal like little girls, yadayadayada, you know the drill! Anyway, Paris falls, having been stabbed)
Paris: If thou be merciful, lay me with Juliet! (dies)
Romeo: Um…. Okay. (tries to pull Paris towards Juliet) Welp, that may not happen. (looking at Juliet) Oh my sunlight, you still seem to glow even in death. Life still seems to spring from you. I'll be joining you soon. Eyes, look your last…. Arms, take your last embrace…. And lips, oh sweet lips, seal with a righteous kiss. (He kisses her, she stirs unbeknownst to him. He pulls out the poison) Come bitter conduct, come unsavory guide. Here's to my love! (He downs the whole thing) Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick! (tumbling towards Juliet again) Thus with a kiss I die…. (He kisses her one last time and tumbles to the ground. He is dead.)
Director: (looks at Author) Are you crying?
Author: (trying to hide it) I'm a hopeless romantic, okay! Gimme a break! (The Director hands her a tissue, which the Author takes with a grin) Thanks.
(Balthasar stares as Friar Lawrence appears from offstage…solving a Sudoku puzzle?)
Friar Lawrence: Now if the two goes here then-. (He looks up to see Balthasar) Balthasar? What are you doing here?
Balthasar: Uh, um…. Romeojustwentinsidethetomban dkilledParisandIthinkhe'stryingtokillhimself!
Friar Lawrence: What?! (runs towards the "tomb") Romeo! Pale! (trips over another body) Paris, too? (shaking his head) Just when I thought thinks couldn't go wrong. (Juliet sits up, slowly awakening)
Juliet: (groaning) Ugh… where am I?
Author: The final scene. (Juliet opens her mouth to speak) Don't ask. Just do it!
Juliet: Friar? Where is my husband? (glancing down, in shock) NO! ROMEO!
(Thundering footsteps can be heard from a distance)
Friar Lawrence: My dear, you must hide yourself amongst the nuns or the Prince's guard will surely find thee! (she doesn't move) Let's go! (still no response) Lady Juliet, I pray thee!
Juliet: (darkly) Hence, begone for I will not away. (Friar Lawrence, stunned, leaves. She stares at her dead husband and laughs you just had to go and killed yourself, didn't you? All to be with me. (grabs his dagger) Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath. There rust and let me die. (she plunges the dagger into her body and slowly, VERY slowly…starts falling to the ground, limping to her Romeo. I swear this goes own for about five minutes and everyone is thinking the same thing.)
Author, Director and Tech Guy: WOULD YOU DIE ALREADY?!
Juliet: (out-of-character) Alright! No need to make it a big deal! (She takes her time anyway, but finally collapses onto the body of Romeo… Yeah, way to make it lengthy, huh? Let's just get right to it. Guard arrives, personal confessions, blahblahblah, here comes the family!)
Capulet and Lady Capulet: Our daughter!
Montague: My son!
Capulet: (confused) Where's the missus?
Montague: She died shortly after he left, of heartbreak.
Capulet: I had nothing to do with that.
Montague: I know.
(Prince Escalus arrives, pissed)
Escalus: Because of your feud, even I have lost family! All are punished!
Capulet: (to Montague) Give me your hand. (they shake) I think it's about time we settle our differences, don't you?
Montague: Agreed. I'll make a statue of your daughter in pure gold to commemorate her memory.
Capulet: The same goes for your son, for I feel the same.
Escalus: We settled a dark piece this morning. The sun for sorrow shall not show it's head. Go hence and we shall talk more of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned and some punished. For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
(Silence as they all stare at the bodies of Romeo and Juliet)
Director: Cut! (applauding and hopping onstage with the Author) Wonderful guys! Just wonderful! Let's take five and we'll run through it again!
(The cast groans)
Nurse: C'mon, Mr. Director, can't we just call it a night?
Sampson: Yeah, I've got cats at home that I forgot to feed.
Director: We'll just go over a few things. (Sees a cloaked figure walking away) Like you, Mister Apothecary.
(Apothecary glances up, looking very much guilty despite no one seeing his face.)
Apothercary: I'm afraid *ahem* I must depart. Must leave the kettle going long, y'know.
Author: (stepping forward) Come here please, Mister Apothecary. (He starts inching towards her until…) …NOW!
(Suddenly, Tybalt jumps from behind the Apothecary and grabs him. The Apothecary groans and struggles, but can't get free.)
Apothecary: (sounding less like an old man) What the-! Lemme go!
Tech Guy: (emerging from behind the curatins) We got him!
Director: But the question is…. Who is he?
Author: Let's find out.
(She pulls of the hood to reveal….)
The Cast: RANDOM GUY?!
Random Guy: (nervously laughing) Heh-heh…. Hey guys.
Author: I had a feeling something was up after the pranks continued.
Juliet: But how is he alive?! A medic came in and said he was dead.
Random Guy: You mean the red-head with giant glasses and a clearly fake mustache?
Author: Yeah? (realization moment) Wait a minute! That was you?
Random Guy: Uh-huh.
Tech Guy: And the other medics?
Random Guy: Paid them.
Director: But… why?
Rnadom Guy: Thought it would be funny to try it.
Author: Funny? You thought this was FUNNY?
Random Guy: At first, but-.
Author: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE? ROMEO WAS ALMOST ARRESTED BECAUSE OF YOU! WE THOUGHT WE LOST OUR JULIET BECAUSE OF THAT NYQUIL! AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY?
Random Guy: (terrified) …I did. Not anymore….. I'm sorry.
(Author doesn't respond. She merely turns her back from him. The Director signals Tybalt to let go and Random Guy stands sadly. Director pulls him aside, while everyone else watches.)
Director: Do you at least mean it this time?
Random Guy: (feeling guilty) Yes.
Director: (sighs) Well, don't expect to get away with it without some type of punishment.
Random Guy: I understand.
Director: Although I think there's someone who deserves a bigger apology. (points to Author) She cares about all of us. When she thought you died, I thought she'd leave the show unfinished. You need to talk to her.
Random Guy: Sure. (the Author turns to look at him) Look, I'm really sorry. I won't make another prank again. Just please forgive me.
Author: (reluctant, but softens) Ooh…. Alright. Just… don't stop pranking. I do enjoy watching some antics everyone once and a while. (smiles, but stops when Random Guy jumps her with a hug)
Random Guy: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthan kyouthankyou! I won't letcha down! I'll even work as a stage hand for the next show!
Juliet: What is the next show?
Director: (slyly smiling at Author) Well….
Author: (grinning) I'll start on the Author's Note. (exits, leaving the cast and crew to themselves)
Random Guy: (to Capulet and Montague) SO how did this feud start?
Capulet: I dunno, actually.
Montague: Wasn't it over a doughnut at the deli?
Capulet: Oh yeah….
Well folks...this is it.
As a start, I want to say a big THANK YOU! You all have been so supportive of this story and it means alot to me. Honestly, I almost did not want to publish this chapter, but I knew that it just had to be done. Besides, who would've guessed that Random Guy was alive the whole time? Certainly not me! (I am such a horrible liar :P)
It's been a long year and three months writing this story, but I know that the Director, Random Guy and Techie (as I would now like to call Tech Guy) will not be left behind. Because you voted in and the Fortune's Fool will be... (insert drumroll here)
Method Madness: A Parody of Hamlet
At least... that's the working title. What do you think? (Shameless plug for comments :P) Thanks for voting and reading guys. You've been really awesome and you really deserve this sequel for it. Due to school and a busy schedule though, it'll take some time. But don't worry, I'll try to post as much as possible inbetween life :)
Your Fellow Fool,