A/N– Ok peeps, here's the next chapter! =3 So, who out there is a fan of TV Tropes?
Anyway, I know that a few of you have mentioned my Ranma references. The reason why I put little Ranma Easter Eggs into my stories is because R.5 is probably my all-time favorite manga, and I like to draw from it in small ways to put into my stories where it fits. R.5 is, in my opinion one of the greatest comedy/martial arts manga of all time, and if you haven't read it, I encourage you to.
=P There's also a reference to another manga in here. Can you spot it?
This chapter is brought to you by- Princess Superstar, Perfect, as well as an additional character themed song- Slipknot, The Virus of Life, for Zabuza (seriously, the song fits him so well that I'm surprised that there hasn't been any Zabuza-based AMVs set to it yet.)
Also, because I just found it, and it's such a fuckin' awesome track, check out Hardstyle - Organ Donors - 99.9 on youtube. It's got an ecchi picture to go with the track, but if you are this far into my story anyway, then I'm fairly certain that the pic will just be an added bonus for you as well.
-Chapter 8, FUBAR-
It was another bright, beautiful day in the village of Konohakagure, so wonderful that it was a even more of a surprising rarity than the first, even for the people who lived in a climate known for it's mild, generally good weather, leading to a generally good cheer in the village that was greater than most days, with almost everyone being happy.
With the notable exception of one Naruto Uzumaki, of course.
It wasn't anything that he could pinpoint, but from the very second that Team Seven had stepped into Konoha, Naruto's acute sense of danger was screaming at him to haul ass back out of town as fast as he could run, and find the deepest, darkest, most easily securable place he could find- Hopefully on another continent- and just hide...
...Because as long as he remained in the village, he was unequivocally, most assuredly, completely, and undoubtedly fucked so thoroughly that there wasn't even a good enough way to describe how certain it was.
And it wasn't even the good kind of fucked either.
"Naruto, are you ok?"
Jumping a little, Naruto looked over at his sensei and teammates, a wary expression on his face as he regarded Sakura, who had asked the question. "I dunno." He replied honestly. "Say, have any of you ever gotten a feeling? That feeling like, y'know, something really, REALLY bad is about to happen, and there is absolutely nothing at all you can do about it?" He asked.
"Nope." Replied Sakura, blinking.
"Once..." Sasuke trailed off, beginning to brood.
"Well, there was this one time, and I thought I had a gut feeling that our village was about to be attacked by a pair of villages and a tailed beast- But it just turned out to be a mild case of constipation." Kakashi said, smiling easily from behind his mask, effectively breaking the mood as all three young teens stared at him incredulously.
"That was just stupid sensei." Sakura said flatly, giving the older man a deadpan look while Sasuke, for his part, just quirked an eyebrow, not actually saying anything.
Naruto frowned, crossing his arms as he squinted up at Kakashi. "Yeah, and besides, that doesn't help me one bit! I know I'm not having any poop problems right now, and I've still got this feeling of impending doom!" He complained.
Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly. "Make of it what you will, but when you get to be as badass as I am, you don't get impending feelings of doom-" He whipped out a copy of Icha Icha Tactics. "-You cause them. Now come along children, we've got a mission report to turn in!" With that, the perverted jonin started for the Hokage's tower, his nose stuffed in his book.
Sakura sighed, watching the older man. "That was just-" She stopped, noticing that Naruto was watching Kakashi with stars in his eyes. "Naruto?" she asked, curious.
"I wanna cause uncomfortable feelings of impending doom in people too! Dattebayo!" Naruto yelled excitedly pumping a fist in the air as he followed Kakashi.
"Idiot, you already cause uncomfortable feelings in people, just not the doom kind!" Sakura yelled, moving after Naruto with a fist raised, ready to throw him a beating.
Sasuke just sighed, and started after the rest of his team- no one, not even he, noticing the slight smile that tugged at his lips, watching the antics of those who maybe, just maybe, he could call his friends.
Miraculously, the team managed to make their way to the Hokage's tower unmolested by whatever was causing Naruto's Impending Feeling of Doom(tm), not that it helped any- Naruto was growing more paranoid as they went on, to the point where he was attempting to look in every direction at once as they entered the tower and were eventually shuttled into the missions office, where the Hokage was going over various reports. "Team Seven reporting back from our mission." Kakashi stated, standing at ease with the three teens just behind him.
Sarutobi blinked, looking up from the latest batch of mission reports to see that Kakashi and his child soldi-err-students were indeed standing there, with Naruto looking uncharacteristically paranoid- though given what recently happened... "Hn... So your mission was a success I take it?" He asked, puffing on his pipe. "However, it's unfortunate that you chose now to come back- you've created a fine mess Naruto." He said, blowing out a long plume of smoke.
Naruto's jaw dropped at that- was it the Impending Feeling of Doom(tm) he'd been feeling? Finally, he could find out what it was! "What'd I do? What happened?" He asked quickly, still looking around worriedly- if anything, the feeling had grown even worse!
The Hokage studied Naruto for a moment, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Well..." He started, causing the blonde teen to lean in expectantly. "...I don't think I'll tell you." He finished flatly, causing Naruto to fall on his face while everyone else in the room sweat-dropped.
Naruto got up, rubbing his nose. "Why not you stupid old goat?" He demanded loudly, causing everyone in the room to lean in a bit closer to hear the conversation better.
"Because I think it'll be funnier when you find out on your own."
At that, Naruto's mouth fell open. "Wh-wh-WHAT?" He screeched, pointing at the old man. "Why, you-you-you... You JACKASS! You're just doin' this to make me suffer, aren't'cha? How come?" He yelled.
Sarutobi raised an eyebrow at that. "Hmmm... I think I just told you why already." He replied, turning his attention to Kakashi. "Now then, the mission report?"
Kakashi smiled and began his report while Naruto sat in the corner, weeping pathetically.
Finally, after Kakashi finished his explanation and the team were handed their mission vouchers, Naruto grinned, holding up the check. "It's finally over and done with! Ichiraku's, here I come!" He exclaimed in a sing-song voice, heading for the door- Only to be stopped dead in his tracks as it slid open before he could reach it, revealing a regal-looking man standing there. He had long, flowing black hair, and a stony expression on his face, but it was his eyes that Naruto noticed- They were cold and expressionless- and devoid of any pupils, just like Hinata-chan's were. "Ummm... Hi." Naruto greeted awkwardly, bowing his head slightly.
The man just looked at Naruto, studying him for a moment. "You are... Naruto Uzumaki, correct?" He asked, his voice flat.
Naruto blinked, just as confused as his teammates and sensei, while Sarutobi groaned in the background. "Uh, do I know you?" He asked.
The man's eyebrows furrowed, and Naruto knew he finally found what was causing his Impending Feeling of Doom(tm).
Hinata's eyes narrowed as she glared at one of her rivals- the despicable Hana the Homewrecker. "Hi havte ooh." she stated, her voice muffled.
This earned the Hyuuga princess a dour look from the older chunin. "Blow it out your ear." She replied shortly from her side of the room.
From her seat, Ayame sighed. "Be nice you two." She scolded, not looking up from her knitting, knowing that neither girl could get at one another- as both of them were bed-ridden, Hinata in a full-body cast and Hana faring only a little better, the two of them being forced to share the same room by order of the Hokage.
Both girls glared at the ramen waitress, who only had a small bandage on one cheek and insisted on visiting them every day. Before Hana could say anything though, a loud boom was heard from the direction of the Hokage's tower, causing all three girls to whip their heads around (or, in Hinata's case, turn her gaze to-) The bay window that gave them a view of Konoha and the tower, where a large plume of smoke was issuing from where the missions office was. "What the hell is going on?" Hana gasped.
"I don't know, but I hope everyone is ok." Ayame replied, worried.
From the smoke erupted Naruto, flipping through the air a few times before finally landing on an adjacent roof. "What the hell is that guy's problem?" He demanded of no one in particular, wide-eyed as he stood in a loose, defensive stance, prepared to flee.
Without warning, the man, Hiashi Hyuuga, burst from the smoke as well, eyes blazing as he landed a few feet from Naruto. "Naruto Uzumaki, prepare to die!" He roared, thrusting two fingers, alight with chakra, at the teen.
"Kiyah!" Naruto screamed shrilly, clapping his hands together faster than he knew he could move them, catching Hiashi's pokey fingers of death between the flats of his palms, stopping the attack and causing the man to blink. "Did... Did you just stop my Jyuuken with a sword-catching technique?" Hiashi asked.
"Eh-heh-heh, I wasn't expecting it to actually work!" Naruto replied with a nervous chuckle, both combatants sweat-dropping. "Now then, why are you attacking me again?"
Hiashi's gaze hardened. "Because you defiled my daughter, you little bastard!" He yelled, pulling his fingers back and then thrusting forward with his other hand, said little bastard just barely managing to dodge the strike.
Naruto blinked in surprise, jumping back. "Whoa, so you are Hinata's dad? That's cool. I didn't 'defile' her though, we just-eyah!" Throwing himself down, Naruto just barely dodged Hisashi's foot as the man sailed over in a flying kick. "Will you stop that already?" He demanded from his prone position on the roof.
"Never!" Hiashi responded loudly. "I will have revenge for my defiled daughter! Now, I attack!" With that, he sprinted forward again, his fingers blazing with chakra.
"That's it, I've had ENOUGH!" Naruto growled, getting up as he preformed a familiar hand seal. "Sexy Technique!" Yelling out his attack, Naruto was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of smoke, which wisped away to reveal a voluptuous pigtailed blonde. "Hey there big boy, you wouldn't attack me, would'ja?" She asked in a breathy tone, causing Hiashi to stop dead in his tracks.
"Whoa, he actually used it!" Kakashi exclaimed lightly, watching the battle below with Sakura, Sasuke, and Sarutobi. "The technique that can beat any straight man!"
"Indeed." Murmured Sarutobi, puffing on his pipe thoughtfully, a small trickle of blood leaking from his nose.
Sakura, for her part, had murder in her eyes. "Why I oughta... CHA!" She growled, Shaking her fists in the air.
Sasuke, for his part, was studying a nearby wall, a light blush across his face. "Perky..." He mumbled.
Down below, Naruto gave a mental smirk. "I did it! Now, to finish him off." He thought victoriously, watching a deep crimson blush spread across Hiashi's face as the man took another step forward. "Harem technique." He murmured, and suddenly, there were ten more blonde bombshells surrounding the family head. "Well, Hiashi-kun? You really wouldn't hurt us now, would you?" One of them purred as they started rubbing up against the man, who was standing as stiff as a board.
"I-" Hiashi started. "I-" A large drop of blood began to form in each of his nostrils. "I-" Everyone leaned forward to see what would happen, and 'Naruko' grinned. "I-I-I... I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO SUCH FILTH!" Stomping, Hiashi threw his head back and, with an almighty snort, sucked the blood back in, much to everyone's shock.
"WHAT?" Naruto yelled in surprise as he and the clones let the sexy jutsu fall, turning them back to normal, still surrounding Hiashi. "Why didn't it work?"
"BECAUSE I'M AN ANGRY DADDY!" Hiashi yelled back, twisting around to poke a Naruto in the gut.
"Guh!" The clone gasped, wincing as he stepped back, holding his stomach... And then his eyes went wide. "Cuh-careful guys... Huh-he... Has the power to make you poop yourself!" With that, the clone disappeared, leaving behind only wisps of smoke... and a raunchy smell.
"Oh dear lord..." Naruto gasped, he and the clones going white as Hiashi advanced menacingly.
Up from their vantage point, Sakura blinked. "The Hyuuga... Have the power to make opponents mess their pants?" She asked her sensei, arching an eyebrow.
Kakashi stared down at the battlefield. "Hmmm... Apparently so." He replied, sweat-dropping as he tried to remember every time he angered a Hyuuga- With that kind of power, he'd have to be more wary... Not knowing that right next to him, both the Hokage and Sasuke were thinking the exact same thing.
Down below, Naruto dropped to the street as his clones mobbed the angry man, hoping to put as much distance as possible...
But it wasn't meant to be, as Hiashi was hot behind him not even three seconds later, sprinting like a marathon runner with his robes flapping in the breeze. "COME BACK HERE!" Hiashi roared, chasing Naruto down the road- catching up to him in front of a dango shop- reaching for the retreating blonde locks-
-And closed his hand on nothing. "What?" Hiashi gasped, skidding to a halt as he blinked in confusion, looking around for Naruto.
"Hoochie-Mama!" Hearing the loud cry, followed by a perverse giggle, Hiashi looked over towards the dango stand-
-Only to see Naruto, his face pressed deeply into the cleavage of none other than Anko Mitarashi, the infamous snake mistress of Konohakagure. "Oh sweet melons of perfection, where have you been all my life?" He cried out rapturously, gently fondling the beautiful balloons. "Excellent weight and size, not to firm, but not too soft either- They. Are. Exquisite!" Naruto sighed, his eyes shining with pure bliss.
Anko, for her part, looked down, a bemused expression on her face, with a dango stick in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. "Okay..." She drawled, her eyes narrowing. "This is officially the weirdest fucking day of my life." She said, looking up at Hiashi. "Hey Hiashi-san, what's with the pervy little flea here?" She asked nonchalantly. "Hey! Not too rough!" She snapped, bopping Naruto on the head with an elbow when he pinched one of her nipples a little too hard.
"Uh-ugh-urh-" Hiashi stumbled incoherently, unable to wrap his brain around the sheer audacity that he was witnessing.
Anko smiled. "I thought so." She said sweetly, putting the dango into her mouth, thoughtfully chewing on the treats after she pulled the stick out from between her lips, seemingly oblivious to the genin who was copping a generous feel-
-And then she stabbed the dango stick into the side of Naruto's head.
"OHGODTHATHURTS! WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Naruto screamed shrilly, stumbling away with the stick sticking out of the side of his head, blood squirting out from around it. With a heave, and more than a few girlish screams, he managed to pull the offending protrusion out, followed by more squirting blood. "You psycho bitch, what in the hell did you do that for?" He whined.
Anko smirked evilly, pain promised in her eyes. "Because you just grabbed my titties kid, and NO ONE does that without my permission. Now I've gotta hurt ya." With that, she pulled a kunai. "Please..." She purred sadistically. "...Try to make this fun for me, ok?" She licked the blade she was holding.
Naruto blinked, looking at the kunai... And the next thing anyone knew, he was gone. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Was the scream following his wake, along with a rather sizable cloud of dust.
Anko was honestly surprised. "Well, looks like this might be an interesting chase after all." She mused, watching the kid haul ass. "Wait for me sweetie!" She tittered, taking off after the fleeing teen.
Hiashi, left standing there, shook his head, having finally processed the information. "WAIT! I STILL HAVE TO GET MY REVENGE!" He roared, taking off after the duo.
Hours later, Naruto, who was still on the run, was holed up behind a fence, taking a few precious moments to catch his breath. "Good lord! I haven't ever had anyone chase me this long before- Not even the ANBU!" He thought, gasping quietly. "Between that crazy snake lady's snakes, and Hinata's dad's super pervy x-ray eyes, they keep finding me! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up..." Even as Naruto thought this, a large boa constrictor silently lowered behind him, it's tongue flicking out to taste the air. Stealthily, the deadly constrictor moved towards it's prey, intending to capture the orange-clad one for it's mistress.
"HIYAH!" Without missing a beat, Naruto whirled around, karate-chopping the snake on the top of it's head, causing the summon to disappear in a poof of smoke. "Take that you crazy snake lady!" He exclaimed, grinning boastfully.
"I'd rather take you... Down to my corner of the interrogation department that is." The voice, dark and seductive, caused Naruto to freeze, the blood draining from his face. Turning woodenly around, Naruto came face to face with Anko and Hiashi, who were standing on the fence. "Hey brat." Anko grinned, looking every bit the predator.
"Huh-hi..." Naruto stammered with a sickly smile, woodenly raising one hand to wave at the duo while he sweated.
"This time-" Hiashi started, activating his Byakugan as he lowered into a stance. "-You will not escape!" With that, he launched himself at the teen, intent on giving him the poking of his life.
"Oh shit!" Naruto cursed, acting on instinct as he blurred into motion as well, fleeing from the enraged man while spamming his signature kage bushin, flooding the area with orange-clad fodder that dog-piled Hiashi as he made his escape. "Quit tryin' ta poke me you weirdo!" He yelled over his shoulder as he rounded a corner.
"Oh no you don't! You ain't gettin' away that easy!" Anko yelled, taking to the roofs in pursuit of the teen, ignoring Hiashi, who was buried under a mountain of dog-piling clones.
"RAHHH! KAITEN!" Came the muffled roar from under the clone hill as they were all suddenly thrown away in every direction, disappearing in poofs of smoke as Hiashi appeared from underneath, spinning inside a dome of chakra. Stopping, Hiashi scanned the surrounding area for a moment before finally spotting Naruto and Anko. "REVENGE!" He roared, taking after the duo, sprinting for all he was worth.
Naruto was running for his life, when all of a sudden his ninja spidey senses kicked in. Cursing, he flipped away, just barely dodging several snakes which embedded their fangs into the packed dirt of the street. "I've gotta say-" Anko started as she landed, retracting her hidden snake hands technique. "-being able to avoid an advanced capture technique like that is impressive. I'm gonna enjoy hearing you scream." Pulling a kunai, she tensed, preparing to pounce on the teen.
Straightening up, Naruto grinned cockily as he cracked his knuckles. "Man, you really know how to turn a guy on, don'tcha? But it looks like you are done playin', so I'm gonna have to get serious!" With that, he crouched slightly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Anko smirked. "Ballsy kid, but you don't stand a chance!" With that, the two combatants blurred forward in a flurry of movement, their strikes nothing more than flashes, and then they were standing on opposite sides, with their backs to one another. "Huh... What?" Anko gasped, looking down at her kunai, which only had a small drop of blood dangling from the tip...
...And then she felt a breeze.
Her eyes widening, Anko whipped around, making sure to use her hands to hold down her skirt as she did so. "What in the hell did you do brat?" she demanded shrilly.
"Wah-hah-hah! Looks like I won that one!" Naruto chortled, brushing a shallow cut on his cheek with one thumb... And held up Anko's panties in his other hand. "Oohhh, lavender silk, very sexy." He complimented over his shoulder with a roguish grin and a wink.
Anko's jaw dropped. "How the fuck is that even possible? I didn't even notice anything!" She demanded hotly, feeling her cheeks flush.
Naruto laughed. "What can I say? I've got a feather touch." He replied, twirling the panties around on one finger. "Now then... Sayonara!" Without warning, Naruto took off down the street again, cackling like a madman as he pulled the panties over the top of his head.
"You little shit! COME BACK HERE!" Anko roared, taking off after the panty-thief.
Hiashi rounded a corner just in time to see Anko kicking up her legs in pursuit- and promptly crashed into a telephone poll upon such a sight.
"Heh, my plan is working!" Thought Naruto with a mental chuckle as he continued to run. For the past few moments, he'd been steadily increasing the lead he had over Anko in their little game of 'ninja tag'- Anko was letting him get to her in her anger, but damn if she didn't get close with those kunai that she kept throwing! "It looks like my stealing your panties... Has really made you sloppy!" Naruto yelled out tauntingly, said undergarments still sitting snugly on his head.
Ducking around a corner, Naruto was just barely able to dodge Anko's retort, which was in the form of another hidden snake hands, looking over his shoulder for his pursuer- and thusly never had a chance at seeing the forearm that shot out, clotheslining him. Gasping as he slammed onto his back, Naruto winced in pain as he looked up to see his assailant, only to see none other than Tsume. "Ok brat, you ARE in trouble for what happened, but out of curiosity, what are you running from this time? The Inuzuka matriarch asked archly, arms crossed as she stepped out from the shadow of a building, crossing her arms over her chest.
Before Naruto could answer, Anko rounded the corner, her eyes lighting up with a hellish glee. "Oh-ho-ho! What have we here? Did you catch this little bastard Tsume-san?" She asked, walking up.
Tsume glanced up at Anko, then back down to the panties that adorned Naruto's head. "Ah." She grunted, putting two and two together. "Well brat, I was just gonna give you an ass-whuppin' for what happened with-"
"REVENGE!" Tsume was suddenly interrupted as Hiashi came bursting through a wall, his byakugan flashing, only to catch sight of Tsume and Anko standing over a prone Naruto, all three of them blinking at his entrance. "Uh-HUH!" Hiashi cleared his throat rather loudly, making sure to dust himself off. "Well, it seems that the two of you have caught the culprit. Good job Tsume-san, Special Jonin Mitarashi." He said, his voice calm and collected as he tried to put on a regal air. "Now that we have him, what shall we do with him?"
Anko grinned evilly at the question. "Well, I've got a few ideas..." She trailed off, chuckling darkly as a kunai seemed to magically find it's way into her hand as Naruto's eyes grew as wide as saucers.
Tsume snorted. "Now now, we can't go that far." She scolded lightly, getting an inaudible sigh of relief from Naruto. "No... But I think we can each take turns blistering his trouble-making ass while we figure out a good compromise." She suggested, causing Naruto's face to fall.
Hiashi nodded. "I'm fine with that."
Anko grinned, reaching down to grab one of Naruto's ankles while Tsume grabbed the other. "This's gunna be fun!" She laughed as the started dragging Naruto towards the Inuzuka compound, Hiashi following behind.
"Somebody... HEEELLLP!" Naruto yelled, weeping pathetically as he was dragged along.
A few hours later found Naruto in Kiba's room, a pack of ice on his sore ass from where he'd been thrashed repeatedly. "So Naruto, I guess you can say... That you really took a pounding?" Kiba asked from where he was sitting on his bed, sniggering.
Naruto's only response was to groan weakly and give Kiba the bird.
This of course only caused the feral teen to start laughing harder. "You cuh-could say... Yuh-you really got a rod taken to your ass!" He managed to gasp out while laughing.
"Fuck you Kiba..." Naruto groaned into his pillow, his ass smarting.
In his personal office in the tower, Sarutobi sat, looking over the missives from the other kages, as well as some of the leaders of smaller villages. "So, it's almost time..." He murmured, his eyes passing over the various dossiers, lighting briefly on one of the Suna teams- apparently all three were children of the Kazekage, resting on the picture of a red-headed, teal-eyed boy. "The chunin exams... Are about to begin."
A/N– So here it FINALLY is! The next chapter in my story, the interlude between the wave arc and the chunin arc. What did you think? Was it good? Was it bad? Did you just not care? Sorry it took me so long, but don't worry, I'm not gonna offer any excuses- part of it really was just me trying to come up with a half-decent chapter here.
Anyway, I'm already working on the next chapter, and it is going to come out soon, but here's the deal- you guys hit me up with a minimum 60 reviews over the next few days, and I can promise that the chapter will be out in the next 1-2 weeks, rather than 1-2 months. I still ain't begging- I'm just preforming an experiment.