Author's Note: While this is officially a parody of Judith Viorst's children's story Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, I didn't have a copy of that book on hand and thus used FFnet author Hosanna's parody featuring Boromir from Lord of the Rings as my model. Please read that version at their page and enjoy!

P.S.: I know that Martin never grew up with his half-brothers. Hence, AU and parody! Ta-daaaa! Enjoy! -T92


MARTIN SEPTIM AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY

I went to bed with my new book, and then I drooled on the book, so now the ink is all smudged, and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped over Ebel's lute, and by accident I dropped my brand-new tunic into the washbasin whilst it was full, and I could tell that it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

At breakfast, we had oatmeal, but Cook gave Geldall, Enman, and Ebel little slices of strawberry on theirs, and I just got plain, and I spilt the grape juice, and Enman kicked me in the shin under the table.

I think I'll move to Akavir.

During church, Father let Geldall have a seat by the Kynareth window. Enman and Ebel got seats by the Kynareth window too. I said I was being scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said, If I don't get a seat by the Kynareth window, I am going to switch to Daedra worship. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

During Sundas School, the teacher liked Enman's picture of Akatosh better than she liked my drawing of a mage casting an invisibility spell.

At singing time, she said I sang too loud.

When she looked at my workbook, she said I'd spelt Stendarr wrong. Who needs two R's anyway?

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

I could tell, because Ebel said I wasn't his favorite brother anymore. He said that Geldall was his favorite brother and that Enman was his next favorite brother and I was only his third favorite brother.

I hope you get trampled in the Market District on the day after the harvest festival, I said to Ebel. I hope the next time you're playing Tiber Septim In Skyrim, a big dragon swoops down and carries you off to Akavir.

At noon-dinner, Geldall let me hold his new dagger, with the silver engraving on the blade, and Enman let me hold his, with the dragon's head on the hilt, and Ebel didn't let me hold his but let me see it, with the leather dyed green wrapped round the grip. Guess whose father says he can't have a fancy dagger 'til he's older?

It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

It was, too, because I snuck out and went to the Temple of the One to say an extra-special prayer for myself, but it was closed. We're cleaning the floors, they said; come back tomorrow and you can come in.

Tomorrow, I said, I'm moving to Akavir.

On the way to the Market District, Geldall stepped on my foot with his big stupid boot and didn't even apologize, and whilst we were waiting for our coach Ebel tripped me on purpose and I fell into a mud puddle and when I cried because of the mud Ebel told me I wouldn't ever get to be Emperor if I cried, and whilst I was punching Ebel to show him I was tough enough to be Emperor, Father came back and punished me for being muddy and fighting with my brother.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, I told everyone. No one even answered.

Then we went to the one clothier that was open on Sundas. Geldall got a velvet robe with big puffy sleeves. Enman got one of green silk with gold stars woven throughout. Ebel got a blue one with silver leaves. I chose one that was red and gold, with stars and leaves and swirlies in the trim and fur on the inside to keep warm in winter but the clothier said, Sorry, I'm all sold out. Father made me buy a plain old gray one, but he can't make me wear it.

When we stopped by the Chancellor's office he said I couldn't play with his hourglass but I forgot. He also said watch out for the books on the shelf, and I was, except for my hip. He also said don't touch that scroll, but I think there's a scamp in his office now. The Chancellor forbade me from coming back to his office 'til I'm Emperor.

It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

There was shepherd's pie for supper, and I hate shepherd's pie. The bard sang some love song about elves, and I hate love songs about elves.

Mother made me take a bath and I fell and bruised my arm and got soap in my eyes, Enman broke my quarterstaff, and I had to wear Geldall's old girly-looking nightshirt. I hate Geldall's old girly-looking nightshirt.

When I went to bed Mother made me give back the quilt I had borrowed from Ebel but he had said I could keep, the candle dripped wax on my hand, and I stubbed my toe.

The cat Mother gave me for my birthday wants to sleep with her, not me.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

Mother says some days are like that.

Even in Akavir.