Hello! This is what I think Diva might have felt, deep down (like seriously deep down) through out the events of Blood+. If it seems to get a bit more jumbled and disjointed at the end, it's supposed to signify her sinking deeper and deeper into maddness, but I don't think I did it very well. Oh well. enjoy and please review!


Through Heaven's Blue Eyes

I watched life. Intently, from afar, I watched. From the top of that tower, I was an observer, a watcher, with no power, no need for power, no knowledge of power, as life rushed by beneath me, unaffected, like a river swollen by spring's melted snow. Life. I watched it all the time, but it was never mine. I did not have a life; that was for other people. I simply watched them come and go, hidden away.

There weren't many constant things in that river that I watched so carefully. Joel, Amshel. The many nameless and faceless scientists who revolved around me were constant only as a group; the actual people endlessly shifting and changing. Joel and Amshel… I did not find out their names until much later. Or maybe I knew, maybe they told me in amongst all the science and greedy curiosity and darkness and pain, but their names held no meaning then; they weren't important.

Shall I tell you what was most constant during that time? What stayed the same along with the moon and sun and stars? Shall I? It was you Saya. My sister, my dearest sister. I heard them talk about you, make comparisons between us, and I felt we were the same; you were the only thing in my world that wasn't darkness.

I began to dream of you then, when I first heard your name and matched it to a person, a memory; a memory of sharing a womb together? Maybe. You were the light that sustained me from when I first knew what light was. Maybe I should have dreamed of us together as sisters, but I didn't know what 'sisters' meant. I'm still not sure, Saya. At that time, as we grew older and our thoughts more concise, I wanted. For the first time, I wanted something.

The first time I heard you, I heard you laugh. It was a wondrous sound; I had never heard anything like it before; I didn't know what it meant or even what it was. But I wanted it. I wanted that sound; I wanted you to teach me; I wanted to see you.

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

How many days and nights did that phrase repeat in time with my ever beating heart? How many years did that single burning thing, that taught me what desire and want were, circle through my mind?

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

But how? How could I see you? For the first time I knew what it was to think; to search for something within the boundaries of your own limited knowledge, to not be able to find an answer. I felt… frustration. I could not get out to see you. How would you find me? How would you find me and see me? How can I see you?

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want you to hear me.

I found it; my solution, my plan, my solace. I had to call you; I could scream, I could yell, I could shout. I could make noise; wonderful, harsh, loud. Surely you would hear that, and come and see me? But screaming brought scientists and beatings and restraints and pain, and it might scare you to see me like that sister. That's what I thought; I must not scare her away with this. She must never be scared of me; I do not want to see her scared. I found out what it meant to not want something too; I knew fear already. I didn't want to see you like that.

I do not know how long it took. How I did it, how I found it. I found my voice Saya; I taught myself to sing for you. Sing for you so you could hear me, and then you could find me, and then I could see you.

I sang for hours, for days, for months. I never gave up, and then one day you found me Saya. The sun shone that day, do you remember? You found me, and we spoke together. You let me call you 'sister'. You gave me a name; you filled the hole inside me that I did not even know was there until you filled it. You laughed with me; you taught me so many things. You promised, Saya.

You promised. You promised. You promised.

Then he arrived. Hagi. You told me about him; as you had told me of all your other servants. You sent them all away for me Saya. Your life, your luxuries, the people who waited on you, it was another world that gleamed so brightly. I was so jealous of you Saya, but you were so gentle. You were kind to me; you told me you were sorry, that I had to stay in this tower.

Sorry…

You sent them all away; I was your only companion and we would be together forever. But Hagi was different, wasn't he? Hagi was different. He could not complete the task we had devised to keep them from separating us. He could not find the blue roses I coveted. But he was still different. He took the thorns away. He helped you to stop bleeding.

Because you told me Saya, that sometimes despite your comfortable lavished life you felt you couldn't breathe; you felt as if every command you gave, every reverent nod of the head was a thorn inside you that bled. But he stopped it. The thorns were taken away. You stopped bleeding then Saya, with Hagi by your side. But I didn't. I carried on bleeding.

You didn't come to see me as often then. I grew more jealous, and this time you weren't there to kill the green snake of envy with kind words and sympathy. This time the snake grew strong and I wanted again. I wanted out. I wanted to order people around, to wear beautiful dresses that swished when I walked, to brush my long hair out and feel it blow in the breeze, to jump into the lake just because I could, to get caught in the rain and hide in a barn, with you. You had told me about these things; and I wanted to do them all.

I sang more and more often. Amshel took my blood. He turned himself, but I didn't notice, not then. I carried on singing, and the hole inside me widened and carried on bleeding.

I was so happy, Saya, when you came back to see me again, and you asked me to sing for you. You asked me to sing at Joel's party Saya, to surprise everyone. Then I was angry. I was so angry. Joel? Sing for him? Sing for the man who cuts me to pieces simply to watch me heal, who starves me to watch me kill when I feed, who never saw me as a person? Sing the song I sang for you, for you Saya, sing that song for him?

Never.

But I wanted out. I wanted the dress you promised me, and I thought that maybe I wouldn't have to sing for Joel, once you saw me, once I could play with you.

You let me out, but something, someone; they tore us apart before I could see your face. A voice, calling your name.

"Saya!"

I didn't like that, Saya. I wanted to be the one you looked at, I wanted to be the only one who could call your name like you let me out, you gave me a dress. I would not give up; I could see you.

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

I tried Saya. Will you believe me after all of this, that I tried? I had heard the love and laughter in your voice when you said 'Joel'. I had heard it, and wanted to rip his heart out; I wanted to show you his dark, ugly side that he showed only to me. He's not perfect, sister. He doesn't love you. Not like I do.

But then you would be scared? I was afraid then; what if his dark side scared you? What if I scared you? So I tried. I tried so hard, so, so hard not to hurt him. I would not sing for him, but I would not hurt him. So I went looking. I went searching for you, my dearest sister.

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

I couldn't find you. I found Joel, and Amshel, and scientists, all dressed up in finery, laughing in the evening light while in the dark, they plotted and schemed and hurt me with knives and greed and want. But I still tried. I still tried sister. I asked where you where. I asked where I could find you, Saya.

Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

But I was met with frowning faces, with worried glances and anxious words. And I still couldn't find you.

Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

Joel found me. I couldn't find you. And he ordered me back, he was so angry. He told me I had no right to be here. I asked to see you. He told me I had no right. He told me you didn't want to see me, would never want to. And that made me so angry, Saya.

How dare he? How dare he? How dare he?

I am your sister. I was your friend. I wanted to see you, you wanted to see you. We promised, we promised to be together forever.

You promised. You promised. You promised.

I couldn't stop it Saya. You know what it feels like, now. What it feels like to have a rage that cannot be contained? And when it overflows, you cannot hold it back. I killed them all, I slaughtered every last one of them. I drank to fill all of those nights where my stomach had been empty. Their hearts were soft in my grip; so easy to break, too easy to break. I tried. I honestly did, Saya. I tried. I tried so, so hard not to hurt Joel. But he was the one I hated most of all. How could I hold back Saya? We are not human, but we are not perfect either. You taught me that.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I wanted to say it. I wanted to say it, to make everything all right, to tell you I didn't meant to, to beg you to forgive me. It didn't cross my mind that you might not. But it didn't matter; I couldn't say it. Because you were scared. I made you feel real fear. I did. It was me. It was never supposed to be me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Amshel took me away. I had everything I had ever wanted then, all the toys and servants and dresses I had envied of you, but the hole in my heart was still empty. It was Saya-shaped, and you weren't there. You weren't there. You hated me. You hunted me down. You wanted to kill me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But you didn't listen. You went on hating, went on fighting, went on trusting and laughing and loving with other people. I made chevaliers; I had knights, ever loyal and faithful. But they weren't you. They couldn't fill the hole.

What did I have to do? What more could I do? What more could I say? What did I have to do for you, Saya, for you to forgive me? I began to hate you in return; I began to loathe you. But the hole was still Saya-shaped.

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

You kept on finding other family.

No.

I killed them all; everyone you ever smiled at, everyone you ever loved. I killed them all, while I kept on bleeding, and the hole stayed Saya-shaped.

I used to watch life; I used to watch it go by while I was indifferent. And when I found my life; when you gave it to me, it hurt. It hurt so much, so much. It hurt. It hurt so much that it was safer not to feel; to watch from the clouds. Is that why I was so cruel? I didn't know that sister. You never taught me what 'cruel' meant. How was I to know?

But despite being in the clouds, hiding from the turmoil, I could still feel. I could still remember. I could laugh. I laughed all the time, that precious sound you gave me. But it became warped. It didn't sound like yours. It didn't sound like a laugh anymore. I hated it. But I couldn't stop. I hated you. But I wanted to see you.

I want to see you. I want to see you. I want to see you.

I got my wish though, didn't I? I saw you many times. In Russia, in Vietnam, in Japan, in Paris, in the middle of the sea, in London, in New York.

In Russia you hurt me Saya; you were cold and unfeeling, and you took a chevalier away from me. I didn't much care for him, and I soon forgot as I went to sleep. Neither of us were awake long at that time.

I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy.

In Vietnam you scared me Saya. You scared me; I who had always scared you, even though I didn't want to. I sang for you; I sang to ask you to hear me, to find me, to comfort me again. You didn't listen.

Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.

In Japan you made me jealous Saya; you had family and warmth and laughter again, all without me again.

I want it. I want it. I want it.

In Paris you saddened me. You were determined to fight once more; I had enjoyed no hatred; I had enjoyed being an unknown, knowing that your thoughts were not filled with your hatred of me.

You see me. You see me. You see me.

In the middle of the sea, you tried to kill me. Properly, for the first time. And I saw your hate as I had never seen it before. I felt your pain like nothing else. I killed Riku. I tried to fill the hole with him; I made my family. I wondered if they could be Saya-shaped. But I couldn't let you have anyone else. By then I hated you. I wanted to hurt you as you had hurt me; I wanted you to beg for my forgiveness. I didn't know how to ask for yours.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

In London you hurt me again; you hated my song, you found family again.

In New York Solomon left me. They were my Chevaliers. They were mine. And they went to you, Saya. Karl and Solomon. They wanted you, not me. Because you had no hole. You weren't empty. I truly hated you then. You took James. You stole everything, you had everything. You had life, the life I wanted so badly. You had laughter, the laughter I tried so hard to keep hold of but slipped through my grasp again and again. You had the power to make it better.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

No matter. I had my babies. I had my family; they could fill the hole, couldn't they? They could. They had to. I would love them, and they would love me, and then I wouldn't need you so much. Then I wouldn't need you. My babies. But you wanted to take them too. You wanted to take their lives too. You wanted that too. You wanted that; you wanted to hate me, you wanted to hate my own, you wanted to kill me. Because it was easier to hate.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I HATE YOU.

In New York, now, it feels as if no time as passed since I first instilled fear in you when I burnt away your first family and life. Do you feel it Saya? This creeping coldness, this eerie numbness, do you feel it? My fingers are cold, Saya. I can't feel them anymore. But you can feel yours, can't you? Because you have everything. Just me. Why just me?

Why? Why? Why?

"Take me with you!"

Oh. Oh. So you wanted to come? You wanted to be with me all this time? Did you really? Oh. Oh. Thank you, Saya. Thank you.

Live.

Live for me, Saya. Take care of my babies for me, Saya. Hope for me, laugh for me, cry for me, love for me. Please Saya. Can you hear me?

Live.

My babies. I'm sorry. Saya will be there for you. Won't you Saya. Won't you? You promised, remember? You never broke it, not really, not truly, not in the bottom of your heart. I thought you did, but you never broke it.

Together forever.

Can you hear me? Can you feel all that I feel, remember all that I remember? Can you? Saya?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because I'm the one to break that promise.