AN: I have finally come out of hiding to update this story. I needed some time to really gather up my love for writing again which can be difficult when you have very little support. This update isn't my best seeing as how I am out of practice, but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. The other "chapter" AN I had posted is effectively deleted. I hope I never have to make one of those again, seeing how I hate it when other authors do that. Anyway, here's the chapter that hopefully you'll enjoy!. :)
Alana sat on her bed quietly reading the book she'd gotten from the library just before she and her new roommate decided they'd go to their room instead of the game room. Mercedes had insisted that it would be better for her to go tomorrow after dinner, since the both of them would have free time.
'Aww, your new little friend wants to keep you out of trouble," Elektra sneered while crossing her arms across her chest.
The other girl in the room was writing in a small journal, a concentrated look taking over her delicate features. Biting her lip, the blonde looked at the last sentenced she'd written onto the paper and heaved a loud sigh, she was really hoping that Alana would say something.
Her father always said she was desperate for attention.
"Something wrong Mercedes?" the quiet girl asked, lifting her eyes from her book to the girl across from her.
"Well, not really, but its…" she trailed off, her words began to tumble over each other in a rush. "It's about James…"
"What about James? Did he say something mean to you?" concern took over the darker girl's features as she set her book down.
"No, no… he didn't say anything mean to me. It's just… it's just that he's…"
"He's what? He stares a lot, if you think that's creepy, at least you don't have Kendall or Dak staring you down all the time," the sullen girl looked down at her hands and twisted her fingers together while the other got silent. "So, what were you saying about James again?"
Making distractions were starting to become a talent.
"Oh, um… I, ugh… I kind of like him," Mercedes bit her lip as she slowly looked up to her roommate to gauge her expression.
"So? I mean I like him too, he seems pretty nice when he smiles…
'She doesn't mean it like that Ally, she wants to get in his pants,' Chelsea chimed in perversely while looking to her sadly. 'Its amazing how innocent you still are.'
"Wait… you mean that you like James, how I like Carlos?" the smaller girl questioned, her bright eyes blinking rapidly, her fingers twisting together again.
"Yeah, but I don't think he likes me," she looked down and twiddled her fingers while Alana simply stared at her, or maybe she was looking past her.
The quiet girl did that often.
"Aly," Mercedes softly called out to the other moving off her bed slowly, and sat down on the shorter girl's bed. "Are you gonna say something?"
"I was just thinking," she started, her bright eyes darting to the blonde's eyes while twitching noticeably which the other neglected to mention if she noticed the action. "I'm not sure, that I'm the best person to talk about this kind of thing."
"But, you have a boyfriend and I don't." the taller argued back, her voice becoming frantic while her throat tightened. "Just tell me what I should do, please?"
The request was overwhelming, especially to a meek girl like Alana, whose eyes quickly filled with panic and anxiety. She had no idea what she would tell the pretty blonde girl sitting next to her with an expectant and hopeful look on her face.
"I-I don't know what to say, Car-Carlos is the only boy that-" she trailed off, her breath getting caught in her throat, twisting her fingers together she looked back down at her hands feeling awkward and stressed. 'Breathe, just breathe.'
"Maybe there's something-
"Mercedes, I already told you, I can't help you," Alana sighed in frustration mirroring the expression her roommate now wore. "I don't know, Carlos and I happened, there was no planning to it or anything."
Mercedes stayed quiet watching the other girl twitching in pain again, she saw the color of her eyes shift from their natural green hue to a frosted blue, and then back to green.
"Well, I guess then I should let James and me happen then right?"
"I guess... sorry I couldn't help."
"It's okay, love isn't easy especially if we're in this place," the blonde rolled her eyes in disgust causing the smaller girl next to her to laugh softly.
The compulsive liar smiled at Alana and made her way back to her own bed, a comfortable blanket of quiet settled over the two girls as they both went back to their books, the blonde now reading her own novel.
James sat at his desk, his hazel eyes had been gaining back the shine they'd lost, his cheek bones were less visible much to his displeasure and his once sallow skin was slowly going back to an even olive complexion.
"I can't believe I let them get me so fat," he whined, his voice filled with panic, nervous hands pinching at his face. "I'm practically obese."
'And whose fault is that Jamie,' a familiar voice taunted him from the back of his mind.
"Shut up David!" the brunette squeezed his eyes shut feeling overwhelmed by the sudden guilt that attacked him.
'You're fat and it's your fault,' David chanted nearly making the tall boy burst into tears.
"They tricked me," he weakly argued back, his voice cracking while he held his head in his hands. "They made me eat!"
'You let them poison you Jamie!'
"Shut up!" he screamed sweeping his arm across the wooden surface knocking everything to the floor. "It's not my fault!"
"It's not my fault!"
James continued with his tirade against 'David' by sending his fist through the mirror in front of him. Glass cracked around his left hand, large shards crashed to the desk and floor; smaller pieces tore through his skin. A thousand pieces of the mirror lay on the carpet he stood on; blood trickled out of the cuts on his hand and to the floor. It hurt to breathe and he soon realized that he had tears streaming down his flushed cheeks.
Dropping to his knees he wailed, suddenly overwhelmed by his own mind, the food still sitting heavily in his stomach reminding him of the failure he was and always would be.
'It's your fault.'
Tears kept streaming down his cheeks and dropped onto the blood on the floor and mixed together, his lunges heaved painfully in his chest as his roommate's voice brought him back to reality.
"James… are you okay?" the shorter boy asked nervously, his left hand gripping the door frame tightly. "Should I-I get the nurse?"
The other teenager sniffed harshly before looking at his bleeding hand and then to the mess around him before he made his reply.
"Sure, why not? They'll probably fill me up with drugs, again," he sighed raggedly as he slowly stood from the floor, his body feeling drained. "Just, just let me clean this up first."
"No, its okay, I'll clean up the glass… go get your hand looked at," the pyromaniac watched James nervously as he finally made his way out of their room.
He didn't say anything to the brunette when he reached the doorway, throwing his sketchbook to his own bed; he carefully got on his knees making sure to be careful picking up the sharp bits of glass.
"Hey Carlos," the brunette called out, his left hand still dripping blood and he made no effort to stop it with his uninjured hand as the shorter boy looked at him over his shoulder. "Thanks man."
The shorter boy only nodded, going back to cleaning up the broken mirror and throw the shards away into the small trash bin next to the desk and put back the knocked over items that previously been occupying the wooden surface. Carlos didn't understand what had made James break the mirror that he'd loved to stare at so much and hurt himself, he was just thankful that he wasn't in the room to see the act of frustration. But seeing his friend crouched down on the floor, looking utterly destroyed and hopeless made him scared, the most he'd ever seen James look was haunted and angry the same as Kendall.
Only this time the hazel eyed boy looked like he was about to break just like the mirror he'd broken.
"Kendall! Kendall, save me!" Katie screamed, her cheeks flushed and wet with tears, her voice shrill as she screamed for her older brother.
Why wasn't he here? Why wasn't he protecting her?
"Katie! Katie, I'm coming!" he yelled back desperately racing down the dark corridor that didn't seem to end. "Katie!"
He screamed for his sister whose voice seemed quieter each time she spoke his name. When he finally reached her bedroom, his bright green eyes were met with a horrible sight. The preteen was lying on the hard floor, her body looking mangled and useless, her eyes were still open and out of mouth, blood bubbled forth with every word.
"Ken-Kendall help… I- help me," tears streamed down her bloodied cheeks as he rushed forward trying to figure out where she was bleeding from. "Save me."
"Don't worry Katie, I'll save you. I promise," he sputtered tears welling up in his eyes, her breathing slowing down drastically as he gathered her tiny body into his arms. "Stay with me baby sister."
"I can't… big brother, I- don't let me die," she sobbed weakly, her small hand digging into the sleeve of his shirt. "Kendall help."
Her breathing stopped, her eyes became glassy as she went limp in his arm; the blond boy screamed gathering the small girl into his arms. His sister was dead and he didn't save.
He failed her and it was all his fault.
Kendall woke with a start, the bloody face of his little sister still fresh behind his eyes as the familiar screams of Logan, alerted him to the other side of the room. The pale boy was thrashing about wildly, as the three large male nurses tried to get the dark haired boy to calm down. For a moment, the blond was impressed that for a boy who looked as if he'd fall to pieces any minute, he was surprisingly strong. But the larger men finally gained the upper hand by injecting him with a sedative that would only temporarily calm him down.
"We'll have to change his meds," one of the nurses said as they began to carry him out of the room.
"Dr. Collins said not to give him any more pills; she doesn't want him to-
"I think the 4 nights of screaming and nearly biting your hand off would strongly disagree with you," the first nurse said cutting off the other. "Let's just get him to the infirmary."
The three men didn't even look his way as they carted his friend out of the room and shut the door behind them. Thankful for the sudden quiet and the absence of his roommate, Kendall reached under his mattress and pulled out the broken knife blade he'd managed to steal from the kitchen. A shiver went down his spine when he thought of what he had to do to get Jett not to rat him out.
"I'm never doing that again," he swallowed dryly, never wanting to be in that position again.
Pushing the thoughts of the sex addict from his mind, he rolled up the sleeve of his night shirt and gently pressed the piece of silver to his already scarred flesh. A soft moan left his lips when pain jumped across his nerves and blood erupted to the surface of his skin, he gasped slightly at the pain as he made another thin line parallel to fresh gleaming cut.
For a moment, he didn't feel like a failure.
He didn't fail his sister.
She wasn't dead because of him.
It wasn't his fault.
He wasn't a failure
He panted as his grip on the bloody blade slackened and it fell onto his bed, his eyes stared blankly at the bleeding self-inflicted wounds on his arm. Licking his lips he lifted his arm to his mouth and quietly licked at the red substance on his flesh fully relishing in the iron taste. The blond could barely remember the last time he'd gotten to taste his own blood; he'd been told by the nurses that he shouldn't try to do that.
But, they didn't understand, they never do.
'They just think I'm crazy,' he thought bitterly as he picked up his shiny new friend contemplating whether he'd made more lines to his skin.
A sudden patter of approaching footsteps halted his plans, so instead of making more cuts he quickly stuffed the blade under his mattress and hurriedly pulled down his sleeve before he covered himself with his sheets. Relief wash over him when the footsteps passed his door and continued down the hall, he smiled softly to himself knowing that he'd get to keep the knife blade to himself for another day.
Because those safety pins just weren't doing the job for him anymore.
Alana woke up feeling cold in her bed, looking around she was confused at the sight of another bed in her room. She propped herself onto her elbows and looked to the other occupant of the room; the blonde hair tumbling over the edge of the bed seemed familiar in her sleep driven haze.
'Don't you remember Ally, your new friend Mercedes is sharing your room with you,' Elektra said in a mocking tone, quickly flicking the sleepy girl in the head.
A soft whine left her lips; her head throbbed as she slowly sat up and rubbed the sleep grit from her eyes. The green eyed girl moved her hands to either side of her head and squeezed her eyes tightly. She didn't need this right now.
'Go away, go away,' she chanted in her head softly subconsciously pulling her knees to her chest, today didn't feel like it was going to be a good day. "Go away."
"Ally, are you awake?" the other girl groggily questioned as she stretched under the thin blanket covering her lean body.
"Yeah, we should get dressed, it's almost breakfast I think," Alana replied slowly her hands still pressing to either side of her head.
With a loud sigh she finally moved out of her bed and made her way to the small chest of drawers in the room. The blonde girl got out of bed and began to shuffle around the room as they both gathered their clothing for the day. The shorter girl couldn't shake the feeling rolling at the pit of her stomach that today wasn't going to be much of a good day.
'Silly Ally, when do you ever have good days,' Elektra taunted with a jab between her shoulders.
Today was definitely not going to be a good day.
Mercedes and Alana walked into the library for study hall at the same time, the taller girl had been talking to her new roommate about her father, the wealthy CEO that she desperately wanted to please, but never could.
'Looks like you're not the only one with daddy issues Ally,' Elektra smirked while the two girls took their usual seats near Carlos and Logan who looked particularly exhausted today.
"Hi Ally," Carlos chirped and kissed her cheek quickly pulling her against his side before going back to his usual drawings.
"Hi Carlos," she smiled back, her cheeks flushing with warmth until she felt someone staring her down. "Hey guys."
The heat drained from her face as she tried to keep her smile together, while looking at the other three boys at the table each of them wearing a sullen expression on their faces. Kendall, however simply looked dazed, his green eyes however, looked even more haunted and the sleeves of his shirt were pulled down to his knuckles. He winced in pain as he squeezed his arm there wasn't a doubt in the quiet girl's mind that the blond had found a new sharp object to mar his skin with.
Either way the pain seemed to distract him staring her down the way he usually did.
Logan sudden twitch diverted her attention to the dark haired boy who seemed to be battling with himself to stay awake, the bags under his eyes were even darker and his fingers fretfully clung onto the worn novel he always brought with him.
Oh, if only the demon in his head would leave him alone, especially when he was awake.
The dark haired girl frowned no knowing what she could say, or do to ease the insomniac's troubled mind. She did know what it was like to be haunted by the demons in your mind that just wouldn't you alone. But, she was positive that his nightmares were worse than hers, much worse.
"Hey guys," a familiar deep voice broke Alana from her thoughts, she looked up to see James sit next to Kendall his left hand bandaged a vexed look on his face.
"What happened to your hand?" Mercedes asked, her eyes were full of concern as her bit her lip not entirely sure if she should have spoken to the boy of her yearnings.
"Nothing," the brown haired boy said, quickly looking to the wooden surface of the table, while placing his uninjured hand over his bandaged one. 'Not like you care.'
And yet, his heart was pounding inside his chest; swallowing thickly he looked to the boy sitting next to him who as he predicted was plainly staring at the dark skinned girl across from them. Rolling his eyes, James nudged Kendall sharply to draw the blond's attention away from the girl obviously trying to ignore the intense gaze of the self-harmer. Kendall turned to the boy next to him immediately irritated at the disruption, but once he saw the judgmental stare looking into the core of his being, he acquiesced and averted his gaze to his sleeve; the fresh cuts throbbed dully under the fabric.
He really wished he could see his blood right now.
Tasting it would be better.
The cutter bit his lip at the thought, trying not dwell on the sudden rush of blood that went to his lower extremities at the thought of blood smeared over his skin.
But he has the same blood his sister had… his dead sister.
He exhaled loudly not entirely realizing that he'd been holding his breath, the other teens at the table looked at him briefly before going back to what they'd previously been occupied with. Looking up to the large clock hanging over the doors to the library, Kendall sighed, getting up from his seat he wordlessly let the rest of the tables' occupants know where he was going.
"Have fun with the doc," James called after him nearly hissing the last word showing obvious scorn for the woman who held that title.
In response, the slender boy only gave him a long suffering look coupled with an eye roll, before making his way out of the library. He did notice that Alana relaxed minutely at his exit, causing his heart to fall into the pit of his chest. The girl he was in love (obsessed) with was glad that he was leaving. She was glad that he wouldn't be around, he made her uncomfortable.
'Well who could be comfortable with your dead eyes staring them down?' Katie's voice whispered to him, sending a chill down his spine.
Kendall's hand pushed the library door open slowly as if the wooden object weighed a thousand pounds. He didn't want to make her so uncomfortable that she wanted him gone; he didn't want that at all. What he wanted (needed) was for her to want him, for her to be in his arms instead of the hyper pyromaniac. Kendall just wanted her.
Feeling a swell of emotions he couldn't quite name, the blond dug his fingers into the fresh cuts under his sleeve, creating a new wave of pain that instantly eased his anxiety. Letting out a loud sigh, he opened his eyes making sure no one had seen him and quickened his pace; he didn't want to be late for his session and give Dr. Collins anything to bait him with. The woman always seemed to be looking right through him which he hated with all his might.
But, now he had a silver friend hiding snuggly under his mattress to help him cope, at least for a little while.
Please leave a review with your thoughts, concerns, critiques and questions. Until the next update. xoxo