DUMBLEDORE: Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts!

And a very special welcome back to my favourite student, Mr Harry Potter (RON: Woo!).

"Is this video showing you as an arrogant brat on purpose?" Charlie asked. Harry shrugged.

He defeated Voldemort when he was just a baby, and he's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it.

Harry swore under his breath, and only Remus heard who gave Harry a look clearly to say, "Mind-your-language-or-else." Harry hated Remus's 'Or-elses'.

And also another special welcome to the newest addition of Gryffindor! Mr Ginny-

"MR?" Ginny yelled. Dumbledore shrunk in his chair.

Excuse Me, Ms Ginny Weasley.

GINNY: Yeah, I'm a girl...

"REALLY!" Harry screamed, making the room jump. He grinned at their murderous looks, knowing at least half of them would try to corner him later. And tickle the shit out of him. Again.

But, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the uhh, Sorting hat?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, well a funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of Magical enchanted clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference,


wont be back 'till next year. So basically, I've been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin


and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want I really don't care.

CEDRIC: Hufflepuffs, are particularly good finders!

"Since when?"

DUMBLEDORE: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

"OI!" Tonks yelled.

" Anyway, it is now time for me to introduce to you my very good friend and our very own potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.

RON: Ugh man, I hope they fire that guy!

"Thanks Weasley."

GINNY: Why? Whats wrong with Professor Snape?

RON: Uh, Nothing he's just, uh, evil!

"I expect he loves you to."

"Harry…" Remus shook his head.

(Enter Snape)

"SNAPE!" The room all screamed with laughter, even Dumbledore and McGonagall couldn't help but shake with silent laughter.

HARRY: Oh, come on he's really not that bad.

"Thanks Potter." Snape hadn't laughed at his portrayer, but he had to admit it was rather funny.

SNAPE: Harry Potter! (dragging out each word) Detention!

"That's mean." Ron said, growing serious at once.

HARRY: What?

SNAPE: For talking out of turn!

Now before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very very first, Pop-Quiz. (students groan except Hermione) Can anybody tell me what a portkey is?

(Hermione's hand shot up in the air.)

Oh Yes Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: A portkey is a magicaly enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones that touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

"Bloody hell Hermione you can talk fast!"

SNAPE: Oh Very good. Now can anybody tell me what foreshadowing is?

Oh yes Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.

SNAPE: Perfect!

RON: What was a portkey again I missed that one.

HERMIONE: Oh, A portkey (RON: not you, oh my god) Is an enchanted object that when touched will transport you anywhere in the globe.

SNAPE: And remember a portkey can be any harmless object, like a football. Or a dolphin.

"Imagine a poor dolphin being a portkey!" Hermione gasped.

LAVENDER: Professor? Can like a person be a portkey?

SNAPE: No thats absurd! Because if a person were to touch themselves (looks pointedly at Ron)

The entire room burst out laughing at this, even Snape.

they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can however be a Horcrux.

HARRY: What's a, what's a Horcrux?

SNAPE: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough.

"That is weird!" Harry yelled. He knew about the Horcruxes alright.

HERMIONE: Professor what is the point of this quiz?

SNAPE: Oh no no no point in particular, just important information that everyone should know. Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses. Gryffindor (Woo!),

Ravenclaw (OW!)

Hufflepuff(CEDRIC: Find-) What?

The room burst out laughing. Cedric blushed.

and Slytherin. (Yesss)

Now traditionally, traditionally points are given for good behaviour and deducted for rule breaking. Example! Ten Points from Gryffindor!


SNAPE: For Miss Grangers excessive baby fat.

Cue laughter.

RON+HARRY: Thanks Hermione.

SNAPE: Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup! However this year we are doing things a bit differently. And here to introduce it, is our new professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrel! (Enter Quirrel)

The occupants of the room were in stitches seeing the man whop stood in front of them. He had a shape on his back that was obviously an extra head.

HARRY: Ow! OW! Ow!

"Good dramatics Harry." Remus said amusement in his voice. Harry blushed.

HERMIONE: Harry, what's wrong?

HARRY: Ow! Ow! Jesus!


"It isn't me!" Harry said, exasperated.

QUIRREL: The House Cup. A time honoured tradition. For centuries- (DRACO: Go home terrorist! 'acting innocent')

"Draco you should have done that in first year!" Harry said, once again on the floor with Ron and Hermione. The adults looked down at all the teens on the floor, and smiled. It was nice they got a laugh.

For centuries the four house of Hogwarts have competed for the honour and glory of House Champion. But where does this tradition come from, and what are the . . . roots of the competition?

HERMIONE: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

QUIRREL: That was a rhetorical question!

"Ooooooo Hermione!" Ginny said, still clutching her sides.

DUMBLEDORE: Granger quit interrupting, twenty points from Gryffindor.

RON: Thanks Hermione.

QUIRREL: As I was saying, when the competition first originated it was that of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks and challenges. The winner would not only win the cup (pause for dramatic effect for 2 seconds) but they would also win eternal glory.

HERMIONE: Kind of like a House Cup- or no like a Triwizard tournament.

QUIRREL: Yes, sort of like a Triwizard tournament- except, no not like that at all. There are four houses, how can it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?

"Owned!" George yelled, still trying to pull himself up off the floor with little success.

HERMIONE: Well, er, Professor if I remember correctly, the House Cup tournament was disbanded after one semester, when one of the students was killed during the first task.

QUIRREL: Yes. It is very dangerous, but the rewards far out weigh the risks.

"Hmph!" Hermione choked between giggles.

HERMIONE: I don't think you heard me. I just said somebody died!

DUMBLEDORE: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lop-sided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!

HARRY: Thanks Hermione.


DUMBLEDORE: God! For the smartest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes!

Everyone collapsed again. Sirius and Remus took pity on Harry, who was getting smothered by Hermione and Charlie, and pulled him up onto the sofa, where he laughed into Sirius's shoulder. Ron tried pulling himself up by clutching onto Remus's leg. With a little help, he managed to fit himself on Sirius's other side, as Harry was between the two marauders.

Ten points to Dumbledore!

"You're not making this any easier sir!" Ginny gasped from underneath Fred. Dumbledore just smiled.

"Who da man?" He smiled, knowing the reaction this would cause.

QUIRREL: Yes, yes, well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, I believe that a practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-



"Did Voldemort just sneeze?" Harry said, in fits of laughter again, along with the rest of the teens.

DUMBLEDORE: Did your turban just sneeze?

QUIRREL: Wh-what? No.

DUMBLEDORE: I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasn't moving.

QUIRREL: No, Sorry that was simply a fart, excuse me. (starts to leave)

The teens were gasping for air as they laughed. They were not quite sure why they were laughing as farts were not funny, but it was more the way he had said it. Harry and Ron rolled back onto the floor, right on top of Bill and Charlie who pulled them into brotherly hugs.

VOLDY: AH CHOO! (bumps into harry)


QUIRREL: I must be going.


QUIRREL: I simply farted once more, excuse me.

Snape looked down at the immature teenagers. He sneered at them, then felt a jab in his side. Dumbledore looked at Snape.

"Let them be children." He murmured.

DUMBLEDORE: In Order of the newly resurrected house cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete. So Snape, will you do the honours?

SNAPE: (Carrying cup) Yes Headmaster. (dramatically pulls out a slip of paper) First from the Ravenclaw House; A Miss Cho Chang!

CHO: Oh, My god I won, I can't believe it ya'll I won!

"Do I really sound like that?" Cho said from the gap between Dumbledore's chair and Arthur.

SNAPE: A next from Hufflepuff (pulls paper out) Mr Cedric Diggory.

CEDRIC: Well, I don't FIND this surprising at all.

"Is that all he says?" Ginny asked from behind the sofa.

CHO: I find it perfect 'cause now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.

CEDRIC: I am glad as well my darling.

SNAPE: A next, from the Slytherin house, (pulls slip out) A Draco Malfoy!

DRACO: Oh! Ho! I finally beat you didn't I Potter. What do you think of that huh?(goes over to gryffs and starts rolling all over them.) I'm the champion this time! (rolls onto floor)

"MALFOY!" Everybody had abandoned all hopes of getting up off the floor, and had resolved into sitting in a large huddle in the middle of the room.

DUMBLEDORE: Draco sit down you little shit, champions just a title.

"WOO! GO DUMBLEDORE!" Ron cheered. Dumbledore smiled.

SNAPE: And finally from the Gryffindor House (pulls slip) Oh my. Well isn't this curious? The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a very well known grudge against, is suddenly in a tournament where he very may well, lose his life.

NEVILLE: If-If its me, I'll just apologise to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing.

SNAPE: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble. Its Harry Potter!

"Why does everything happen to me?" Harry asked from between Sirius's legs. (Harry was cross legged against the sofa and Sirius had wrapped his legs around him to trap him.


HARRY: All right!

DUMBELDOR: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions, and I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months, and it could be anything. So lets get to it! Hahah!

STUDENTS: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang! (Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Hey!)

"Bad luck, Malfoy." Harry smirked.