Nightly Rituals

otherwise known as

(Repetitive Chain of Events)


A/N: Okay, so I'm back with another Akatsuki fic. After my first (failed) attempt of one, I decided to jump back into the limbo and try again. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated while flames would be quickly put out. The characters may seem somewhat OOC as it is a slight crack-fic. And I apologize beforehand for any typos and spelling errors.

Warnings: There are mentions of sex and yaoi (boy love, homosexuality, all that good stuff), so if that's not your cup of tea, I suggest you turn back.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and I do not really want to… too much responsibility.


Dedicated to amaya ookami for leaving me awesome reviews and reviewing every single one of my stories. Your reviews make my day so much better!


Pain just wanted a good night's sleep. Really, more piercings and world domination be damned. He just wanted one night (just ONE!) where he can drop the whole 'emotionless bastard' façade, dress up in his very comfy Pokémon PJs and just sleep without having to go through the repetitive cycle that is the Akatsuki's nightly rituals.

"Danna!" That blonde pain in the ass would whine over and over again. Even across the whole compound of the Akatsuki base, Pain could still hear Deidara's voice. Silently, the leader of the Akatsuki would just close his eyes and internally beg (on his hands and knees too) the puppet master to just answer his damn slave so that the said slave would shut up. While these internal musings circled his mind, Pain also wondered how in his name (after all, he IS a god) Sasori was able to put up with Deidara and also pondering if he should give Sasori a raise for his high tolerance level before quickly rejecting the idea as Kakuzu's face flashed across his mind… and also because he remembered that the members of a particular organization does not get paid.

But anyways, back to the reason for Pain's migraine.

Sooner or later, the ex-Suna nin would snap and bark out harshly, "What is it now you stupid brat?" There would be a brief shuffle in which Pain can imagine Deidara sauntering up to Sasori before bending down to whisper something into the shorter man's ear (PAIN DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW!). And as such of this repetitive cycle, Sasori would give his younger partner a dry glance for fourteen seconds (Pain counted) before conceding and puffing out a sigh while following the skipping blonde into their shared bedroom.

There would be an approximate count of eighty-nine Akatsuki's before moans and groans and sighs and screams and all that other icky stuff Pain doesn't want to hear floats from the crack under the two lover's bedroom door.

A pause, and soon there would be the sound of thundering footsteps as Hidan stampedes down the hall, dripping with blood (or tomato juice) while waving his pike around the air dangerously with murderous intent.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!" At other times, Hidan would seem to feel more creative and imaginative and generous with his words, and instead, he'd shout something like this, "YOU FUCKING NINNIES! MATING SEASON WAS LAST MONTH!" or "BE CAREFUL WOOD-COCK, THE FUCKING BLONDE MAY HAVE STDs!" or even "KEEP IT UP YOU BASTARDS! I THINK 'KUZU'S GETTING A FUCKING BONER LISTENING TO YOU GUYS!" before the Jashinist started cackling maniacally as he watched blood drip from Kakuzu's nose. Or, if a sacrifice had been particularly bad that day, Hidan would attempt to claw open the door with his stubby nails (he usually forgot all about the sharp, pointy object either residing on his back or protruding from some part of his body).

Today seemed to be a reaction of the latter as Pain could hear the sounds of Hidan's nails scraping dully against the metal doors, making horrible screeching noises while yelling at the top of his lungs, "YOU ASSHOLES!"

By the twenty-third count, Pain's headache would have multiplied drastically and the moment he lifts his fingers to his temple, hoping to soothe the ache forming at the back of his skull, he could hear the sound of a door slamming open.

"Shut up Hidan." Kakuzu would say in a calm rumble of his baritone voice, but Pain could always detect the hint of annoyance lacing venomously through his words.

"Those fucking bitches are so FUCKING LOUD!" Hidan would howl before slamming a fist into Deidara and Sasori's door, adding another indent onto the already mutilated door.

"A… ah… AH! F-faster, Danna, un! H-harder! U… UN!" Deidara's screams of ecstasy would seem to increase in volume as if to spite the already fuming and bull-like Jashinist, but then again, Deidara did seem to get some twisted enjoyment over spiting others.

Kakuzu would pointedly ignore the… sexually unnerving sounds even though his… ahem… hard-on could clearly be seen through the thin fabric of his pants. "Hidan, at this point, you're making a louder racket that those two."

"Go suck my dick you bastard!" Hidan would start screaming profanities and Kakuzu would kindly return the favour, the sounds of Sasori and Deidara's love-making would echo through the whole base along with the sounds of Hidan and Kakuzu's shouts of hatred and Pain would be sitting at his bed with anime tears falling dramatically from his eyes.

After about five minutes of cursing (and goddamn sex noises, honestly, how long does it take for the terrorist and puppet to reach their peak?), there would be loud thud that would rumble through the whole lair. Pain knew by now, that someone had thrown a punch. Usually, Kakuzu was the first one to snap and to start spewing out physical bouts of violence, but sometimes it was Hidan. But tonight, considering the extra curses stringing one after another coming from Hidan's mouth, Pain thought it would be safe to assume that Kakuzu had thrown the first punch.

Soon afterwards, the priest and the miser would be rolling around outside of the lover's door, both of them trying to puncture each others internal organs or even to simply strangle them to death. At this point in time, Pain would have thoughts such as this, "I asked for professional killers, god damn it! Not a bunch of people with the brain power of a three year old!" circling his mind and tainting his thoughts. Honestly, regret is such a big thing.

Soon, the swoosh of a cloak and a murderous aura would sweep through the air, signalling a certain Uchiha's presence. The first time this happened, Pain had cheered, because he was so certain that Itachi would put an end to all this madness, but after repeating the cycle fifty-two times with the Sharigan-user making everything worse instead of helping, Pain knew better.

Itachi would arrive at the scene of the crime and just stand there, not saying anything. Then, within a second, his coal-black eyes would close and within the same second, it would flash red. Hidan and Kakuzu would be dumb enough to look into their team-mate's eyes (again) and soon, the two of them would be writhing on the floor, clawing their eyes and screaming bloody murder, the two of them even louder than before.

Kisame would soon arrive and stand behind his partner, the blue-tinged man would stare curiously at Itachi for several counts before asking innocently, "Same thing?"

Itachi would nod in agreement and say in a deep monotone, "Same thing." Pain knew by now that 'same thing' meant that Hidan and Kakuzu were watching the same torturous images flashing in front of their eyes again. When the Akatsuki leader had once asked Itachi what the miser and Jashinist saw every night (since this was a nightly ritual), Itachi had simply let a ghost of a smile touch his lips before answering in a nonchalant (well, as nonchalant as an Uchiha could get) tone, "Oh. Kakuzu and Hidan are simply watching many Might-Gai's run in front of them, naked, for seventy-two hours." It was then and there that Pain decided that Itachi was the most sadistic person in their group and that he would never, ever, EVER make Itachi mad. EVER.

Kisame and Itachi would both stand in front of the writhing Zombie Brothers, both watching and enjoying the sounds of agony flowing from their lips while cringing all the same at the sounds of Sasori and Deidara's (who are STILL at it) 'bonding-time'.

"Can't you torture them too?" Kisame would ask again, as he did every night, nodding a head in the general direction of the dented metal door as more moans echoed through the hall, though significantly dimmed down by screams of agony.

Itachi would give Kisame a look that screamed, 'I'm homicidal, not suicidal' while answering, "I'm not going in there."

Kisame would just nod.

At this point in time, Pain's headache would be so enormous; it would make Naruto's love for ramen seem microscopically small. And so, because he was the damn leader, he would summon Konan (god bless her) and make her go and stop the riot. Konan would glare daggers at her leader while flipping her blue hair and stomping out of the room, muttering under her breath about feminism or something like that.

After a minute, there would be blissful silence and Pain would sigh in relief. Even the moans and groans had stopped. And the leader would just lie down on his soft and comfy mattress and enjoy the peace… for the next ten seconds at least. Because after the said ten seconds passed, Konan would stomp angrily (and unannounced) into Pain's room and start bitching for the next hour about how useless everyone in this base was, how it was so unfair that she was the only female (unless you counted Deidara), how her 'awesome girl powers' always end the stupid fights between the members, and how unappreciated she was. After getting that out of her system, Konan would sniff slightly before stomping out of the room and slamming the door dramatically.

Pain would breathe out slowly before closing his eyes and snuggling deep into his warm covers, finally at peace. And just as he was drifting-off…

"Good night sempai!"

"Uh… go fuck yourself Tobi, un!"

"Good night Zetsu-kun!"


"Good night Sasori-sama!"


"Good night Itachi-sama!"


"Good night Kisame-san!"

"Go to sleep lollipop-boy!"

"Good night Kakuzu-san!"


"Good night Hidan-san!"

"Good fucking night, Tobi!"

"Good night Konan-chan!"

"Good night Tobi."

"Good night Leader-sama!"



"What's your problem, Leader-sama, un?"

"Nothing! Now go to sleep!"

"Someone's fucking PMSing."

"Just go to sleep Hidan."

"Fuck you Kakuzu!"

"… do you two want to see Gai running around naked again?"



"Then I suggest you shut up."

There would be a brief lapse of silence, which, in all honestly, seemed too good to last. But Pain was desperate and he held onto every last shard of hope that it would remain silent until the morning. Just as utter blackness seeped into the edges of his vision, Tobi decided to speak again.

"Tobi can't sleep."

"Tobi. Go. To. Sleep. Un!"

"But Tobi can't! Tobi is a good boy!"

"If you were a fucking good boy, you'd fucking go to sleep, god-fucking-damn-it!"

"But Tobi can't! Can sempai please tell Tobi a story?"

"No, un!"

"Please sempai?"

"No, un!"


"Just tell him a god-damn story!"

"Fine! Once upon a time, there was a bad boy called Tobi, un. He was stupid and ugly and so that's why he wore an ugly lollipop-mask, to hide his ugliness, un. One night, he kept saying that he can't sleep and he kept all his team-mates up, and so the next morning, all his team-mates decided to kill Tobi, un! And when Tobi died, all his team-mates cheered and threw a party and got really drunk. The end, un."








"…Actually, that seems fucking accurate."


There would be a slight sniffling noise before a tearful and ear-splitting banshee noise filled the whole base. The walls shook and the window-panes rattled. "WAAAH! SEMPAI DOESN'T LOVE TOBI ANYMORE!"

"I never loved you to begin with, un!"


"Oh my god… Deidara, just tell Tobi you were joking."

"I will not, Uchiha-bastard, un!"


"No, you can't make me, un!"

"Deidara, go apologize to Tobi right now or I promise you that there won't be sex for a whole month."


"We don't wanna fucking know, wood-cock!"

"But Danna…!"

"Now brat."

There was a huff of air before a muttered, "Fine, un," could be heard. Pain heard a brief shuffling noise and the sound of a door sliding open then closed and a few muttered words, after ten seconds of silence, the sound of a strangled gasp and the sound of a body hitting the floor was heard (as was expected).




Pain cried silently as the sound of a door being slammed open was heard and the eerie tone saying, "Get off him, Tobi. Or soon, you will be added to my addition of puppets," echoed scarily through the halls. There was a mad stampede of footfalls before a girly screech (something that sounded like it was out of a horror movie) was heard.

"For Jashin-sama's sake… Okay that's it! I'm gonna fucking sacrifice someone!" Pain heard another door slam open and another and another and soon, the whole place was filled with shouts and screams and screeches and the whole foundation of the Akatsuki base teetered dangerously on its axis.

Pain felt his homicidal streak going to suicidal.


The next night, Pain sat on his bed, silently flipping through the pages of his book, enjoying the brief and rare silence that took hold of the whole place.

But really, the silence was just too good to last. Just as Pain got to the climax of the story (the fucking good part too), there was a shuffle and then the words, "Danna," echoed through the whole base again and again and again.

There was a brief pause before Sasori snapped angrily, "What is it now you stupid brat?" There was a shuffle in which Pain could imagine Deidara leaning down and whispering something into the puppet's ear. After fourteen seconds, Pain heard Sasori sigh before light footsteps indicated the fact that the ex-Suna nin was following his skipping partner into their shared bedroom.

Eighty-nine seconds later, sighs and moans and groans and screams (PAIN DOES NOT LIKE THIS MENTAL IMAGE!) sneaked under the crack on the dented metal door. A pause and then, right on cue, the sounds of thundering footsteps reached Pain's ears and Hidan began screaming viciously, "YOU SEX-FIENDS! CAN'T YOU BASTARDS EVEN GO ONE NIGHT WITHOUT SEX?" and the sounds of nails scraping uselessly against the door echoed throughout the whole base.

But this time, right before Kakuzu slammed open the door and said, "Shut up," in that deceptively calm tone, Pain kind of broke the repetitive chain of events by screaming out, "YEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

And then everything else was just rinse and repeat.


A/N: I like this one. It was definitely fun to write, especially the dialogue. That was fun. :D

I hope you guys enjoyed, please leave a review and tell me what you think!