First off, I filched this idea from calysto-antonsen who came up with the amazing summoning and beginning of this story (which I sort of played around with). It stuck in my head so much, I sent an email to he/she/it (I never got a reply, so silence is consent?) Anywho, I really needed to put some sort of reaction to that ending - even though it was perfect as it was, it did leave me wanting more! Secondly, JKR owns the original HP, Rorschach's Blot came up with Mr. Black, and I...didn't really do much, but come up with a bit more dialogue - which I might continue later on.
Within a deep cavern, hidden in the wilds of the Elemental Countries, are the Akatsuki; mercenaries ostensibly led by the kage of Ame. Known as "God" to his subordinates, Pein – otherwise known as the former student of Jiraiya, Nagato – and his 'angel' Konan are some of the founding members of the mercenary group. Unusually on this particular day, it was not Pein who was being ministered to – but the patron deity of Akatsuki's own Hidan, the dark Jashin.
"Oh, the splendid agony! It's for you, my master!", Hidan exulted as he drove his scythe through the fleshy part of his thigh. All around him was an intricate set of designs, a combination of fuuinjutsu and magical divinatory markings. His normal robe had been set aside for that of an acolyte, pure white for a special sacrificial offering.
"Not only are you too young to have any brains, you're too stupid to stop stabbing yourself for no good reason," griped Kakuzu. As Hidan's partner in the bizarre 'buddy-system' of the mercenary group, one might expect that Kakuzu's statement was sarcastic – in no way is that true. Kakuzu's semi-cannibalistic tendencies, using the organs of other shinobi to keep himself alive, had over the course of time eliminated much of the concept of sarcasm from his everyday thought processes. He could, if necessary, throw out the occasional one-line remark, but in the end he was too old to do anything but say exactly what he meant; his meaning often derogatory.
"OOOOOOHH! Tobi is confused! Tobi thinks he should be happy that Hidan-sempai is happy, but Hidan-sempai is hurt, so Tobi should be sad!"
"If 'Tobi' doesn't shut up, 'Tobi' is going to end up as a new work of art, un!"
"Deidara," Pein intoned, "Leave Tobi alone and focus on this new ritual of Hidan's that should increase our ability to bring peace to the world."
As the Akatsuki members watched Hidan's ritual take place, most of them were of the opinion that their time would be better spent drinking, sleeping, or collecting bounties respectively. They had been invited to watch Hidan's new Dark God Summoning Technique, which he had apparently come up with after hearing about the ability of the Sharingan to summon 'gods' forth – in no way was Hidan going to allow himself to be outdone in a show of religious ability. That the 'gods' of the Sharingan were nothing more than chakra constructs meant nothing to Hidan; only summoning Jashin to purify the unbelievers through blood would give him satisfaction.
Hidan began chanting under his breath while running through the entirety of the twelve basic handseals in various patterns. His swaying back and forth reached fever-pitch as he began his ritualistic summoning jutsu.
Destroyer of All Things
He who makes gods and demons alike despair!"
Drumming began to fill the air, which was quickly halted by Hidan's glare at Tobi, who began whistling while holding a toy drum innocently behind his back.
"Through the draw of innocent blood" – and here Kakuzu mentally remarked, 'Innocent blood - and I do things for free…' – " I summon you to coughmutter and wreak havoc in the world's fate!"
Of all the members of the Akatsuki, Tobi was the only one who was more than slightly worried about what that mumbled phrase might have been. As the power behind the scenes, he had done more research on each member than they were able to do themselves – and anything that could cause Hidan to mumble would probably not be a welcome addition to his Moon's Eye plan for world domination.
Hidan was supremely unconcerned at this point, having lost enough blood to make even the immortal killer woozy beyond belief. With a final scream, he cried:
"DARK GOD SUMMONING NO JUTSU!"
As a dark mist surrounded the center of the ceremonial designs, a figure began to appear in the midst of the haze – a dark figure in black clothing.
"Fuck me! IT WORKED! HAHAHAHA! You fuckers were probably betting it wouldn't work, but it did, you fucking goat-humpers! Jashin's going to – oh, shit!"
Hidan's celebratory rant was quickly halted as he realized that his own personal god was standing right in front of him. Kneeling as if his life depended on it, he offered his blood-soaked scythe in supplication, saying:
"Oh, Jashin-sama! Receive my blood sacrifice as token of my fealty to you."
Hidan's colleagues, impressed as they were with Hidan's unexpected ability not to screw up something like this, were fairly focused on what the next few seconds of conversation would bring – Pein in particular, as he was secretly wondering what a 'real god' would think of his plan.
The so-called god in question was in fact far more concerned with his current location and how he got there. Several seconds ago, he had been meditating in a small office on Black Island, comfortably away from a certain group of vela that were infatuated with him. Suddenly, a pull similar to but far stronger than that he had experienced the last time he was summoned in Africa had begun. Slowly turning his head to observe the various people in front and to the side of him, his eyes stuck on the huge statue in the middle of the 'cave-esque room/thing', as he had mentally dubbed it. Glancing down at the supplicant weirdo to his left side, he began tallying up what he had observed.
'Okay, Harry – pull it together…sure you haven't had any sleep since those veela began their new Monopoly tournament last Tuesday, but you can figure out what's going on here. Fact #1 – weirdo in white robe with a …three-headed scythe….okay. Second, bunch of other weirdos in black robes with red clouds on them. Third, he just called me Jashin-sama. What does this sound like…?"
As Harry – or as he had come to be known throughout the multiverse, Mr. Black – gazed confusedly at his surroundings, the Akatsuki members began to increasingly feel that they were being judged and weighed by a primordial force of the Universe. Hidan just felt like his birthday had come early and there were extra sinners to gut especially for him! In reality, Harry had simply put on what he liked to call 'Dimensional Response Face #1 – Look like you know more that you actually do', which wasn't that hard at the moment. It occurred to him, as he gazed at the various missing-nin….and there it was! Missing-nin, Akatsuki, red cloud-covered cloaks – he was in another Naruto universe!
'Oh, screw it…', thought Harry, 'Just when I thought I had a little time not to get in trouble, I get summoned to nutso-central by McLooneypants here. Bugger! I am willing to bet, even though I have NO evidence to suggest it….this has to do with the bloody shopkeepers!'
Outwardly, Harry merely said, "Ugh….You're Hidan…..aren't you…."
Hidan looked like someone had smacked him in the face with a sushi-grade tunafish, and the shocked atmosphere was only broken by the most unexpected commentary anyone there could think of.
"Hn. I thought you'd be taller."
"Kami knows my name…and WHAT THE FUCK, DO YOU MEAN TALLER, ASSHOLE! JASHIN-SAMA has graciously decided to suffer your prescence, you GOATFUCKING DIPSHIT and you say he's not TALL ENOUGH?" Hidan screamed at Itachi. Itachi's initial response was a mild shrug which, given his usual mannequin-like nature, spoke of his extreme discomfiture with Hidan's insults.
"He's short. Susanoo is taller than that." Having established the superiority of his technique, Itachi's Sharingan eyes focused entirely on this new 'god' of Hidan's. The chakra coming off of it was almost non-existent, but his other senses still screamed of the danger surrounding him – that the Sharingan couldn't detect anything made him…unsettled.
"Susanoo is a fucking nobody compared to my Jashin-sama! I…oh, shit", said Hidan as he realized he had started arguing with his mortal colleague without paying attention to his primary religious devotion – who was, as previously mentioned, right in front of him. Hidan proceeded to place his entire body on the floor face down, and begin muttering utterances of what seemed to be prayers for forgiveness. The rest of Akatsuki, not being of any sort of religious bent (except maybe Tobi, who worshipped himself), just tensely waited for the shit to hit the fan, as it so often did with Hidan's attempts to outdo his fellow Akatsuki members.
Meanwhile, Harry was furiously trying to recall every conversation he'd had with Henchgirl and the Naruto who'd summoned him from the other universe in an attempt to cobble together a plan of action.'How the heck do I deal with a religious nut, who's love for killing is practically up there with Hitler?...oh…oh, that's just too good…'. As Harry conceived his plan (which was more 'winging it' than plan) to deal with Hidan and the rest of Akatsuki, his shoulders began to shake uncontrollably with silent laughter.
'Oh, shit…' was essentially the thought on the Akatsuki members' minds when they suddenly saw the dark god summoned by Hidan of all people start to shake with what they thought was rage. All of them backed away, with Sasori preparing his puppet army and Kakuzu's desire to kill his partner rapidly increasing with each movement of his retreating feet.
"Hidan! …YOU'RE HIDAN!" yelled Harry, in what he considered his best 'evil' voice (not Moldieshort's, of course as his voice was closer to a sibilant hiss than a frightening bellow), while drawing his scythe. Harry then began to whisper in a soft-yet-entirely-threatening voice, "…do you know how much paperwork I've had to do thanks to you…?"
Hidan's eyes, still firmly affixed to the ground, were bulging out of their sockets at this point – not only was his god seemingly unhappy about being summoned, he'd apparently pissed him off prior to this event! 'What the fuck did I do?' he mentally screamed.
Harry gave him no time to answer, however, as he began a rant which was internally making him bust his guts in laughter, "You're supposed to be my disciple, Hidan! You should know that I disapprove of the spilling of innocent blood – that's why I come when it is spilled! All those people you killed, I was the one who had to deal with taking care of them on the other side – the paperwork, the ferrying, not to mention the endless complaining of the other astral beings about what a crappy job my disciple was doing on Earth! They've been insufferable for decades! Let's not even get into what you did to those nuns, I'm really pissed off about that….".
Having absolutely no idea what the hell he was talking about, but still throwing out as much bullshit as he could while he planned his escape, Harry continued, "Why do you think I made you immortal? To go around slaughtering the weak and helpless? I'm Death, you idiot! I have to DEAL with all those people once you've knocked them off. Bloody Hell, do you know what sort of tongue-lashing I got for all those priests you killed? Seriously, stop doing crap like that, or I'm going to come down on you like a sack of demonic hammers with rabies and some sort of super-AIDS!".
"AND YOU! Nagato-chan, you've really disappointed all those frog-prophet people by embracing war and death instead of peace. Konan-chan, what the hell were you thinking letting him do this sort of thing? You're the sensible one, you're supposed to stop him when he does things like this. Let's not even get into you, Madara – the Moon? Seriously? Have you considered taking anti-psychotics, because you need them – the Jubi is too much for you to control, and your chakra coils (no matter how much the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan helps you) won't withstand that sort of pressure. All you'll end up doing is destroying the world."
At this point, Harry was beginning to sweat buckshot…he'd heard from Naruto that these were some top-level fighters, and even though he'd beaten gods and the like before, he wasn't sure if their techniques wouldn't overwhelm him when combined. Unbeknownst to him, however, Madara had been attempting to 'Yomi' him to death ever since he mentioned the Moon – with absolutely no results, which quite literally freaked the hell out of him. At that point, his unstable psyche effectively said, 'To hell with this!', and proceeded to run to the back of his brain and leave Tobi to deal with the outcome. Hidan, likewise, was practically frothing at the mouth (and not in a 'good' way for him) – his god had just said all his practices were wrong, and that he'd done a terrible job! Harry didn't know it, but Hidan had just finished slaughtering a pack of nuns for the Akatsuki before he began the ritual. With the threat of eternal punishment looming, Hidan did the most appropriate thing he could think off…he fainted dead away. Nagato, known to his now-rather-confused minons as Pein, was having a crisis of conscience as he wondered how his master Jiraiya's summoning toads had managed to converse with the gods and why Jiraiya had never told him of his apparent destiny, with Konan looking on and blaming herself entirely for the situation. The remaining members of the Akatsuki, who hadn't yet had their figurative butts chewed by the dark god, were considering either attacking the creature or alternatively leaving to start a monastery. Hoshigaki Kisame was especially confused, seeing as his 'Mizukage'/Sharingan-wielding true leader hadn't informed him of the true details of his plan as yet; not that it really mattered to him, as he considered his loyalty to be sealed despite any questionable sanity traits that his leader might have…especially given that his leader was currently drooling so much that it was coming out from underneath his mask and pooling on the ground.
Yes, I haven't finished WWBS yet or updated it - but this wouldn't leave me alone! I had part of it on my 'puter, and thought I might as well exorcise it. This one, I don't plan on making a priority - but hopefully, c-a will either like it and continue his/her/its far better story, or will be pissed off enough to continue his/her/its far better story after making me take this one down. Ja abayo!