Scar Head = Enemy Mine
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters, places, and ideas belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros.
I hate Potter. Just because he has a stupid scar on his head everyone thinks he's great. Anyone can have a scar on his or her head. I know magic; I can simply conjure up a scar on my forehead. So what if the famous Potter destroyed the Dark Lord's powers when he was a stupid sprog? The Dark Lord's powers have returned.
Oh, in case you are clueless, I am Draco. Draco Malfoy. My family is very wealthy. We are also purebloods. We don't have Mudblood filth running in our veins. My father is the best. He is better than your father. I want to be just like Father. If the Dark Lord tried to kill me, I would have a scar on my forehead, too. But, my father has always been a supporter of the Dark Lord. So, why would the Dark Lord want to kill me? But if he did, I would have a scar on my forehead, too.
I love my mother. She sends me cakes, presents, and other nice things nearly everyday I am at Hogwarts. Father wanted me to go to Durmstrang, but Mother didn't want me so far away. I really do love Mother. She is very beautiful. She is more beautiful than your mother. Your mother is so ugly that when she got into a car accident, they took her to the zoo instead of the hospital. I wanted to marry Mother until I was, er, about nine years old. I kept saying that I wanted to marry her, but then one day, Father beat me, and told me over and over, "She's mine, MINE!" Erm, I guess I deserved the beating.
We used to have a house-elf named Dobby. I had so much fun with him. Our new house-elf isn't nearly as much fun. Once, I made Dobby punish himself by jumping into a tub of scalding, hot water. Loads of his skin came right off. But who cares? He was just a stupid house-elf! He's gone now, works for that crock, Dumbledore. It's Scar Head's fault.
I tried to become friends with Potter. I met him at Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions before our first year at Hogwarts. 'Course I didn't know it was Potter at the time. He seemed like a nice enough fellow. When I found out, on the Hogwarts Express, that he was the famous Potter, I tried to become friends with him. But, he prefers to hang around with Mudbloods and riff-raff.
My father is a Death Eater. He's stronger than your father. My father can beat your father up. He has the support of the Dark Lord.
I tried to get Scar Head expelled in our first year, but it didn't work. That prune-faced witch McGonagall wouldn't believe me when I told her that Scar Head had a dragon. They always believe him, and let him break the rules. Professor Snape is the only teacher who doesn't allow Scar Head to get away with breaking the rules. He's my favorite professor. I wish he could become the headmaster, then stupid Scar Head would be expelled. Why doesn't Professor Snape wash his hair? It's always oily. Sometimes, he smells bad. That's the only thing I don't like about him, but otherwise he's cool. I think I will start wearing black all of the time like Snape.
By the way, your mother is so ugly she wouldn't need makeup to star as the monster in a horror flick.
It's that trumped-up Granger Mudblood's fault that I don't have the highest scores in my year. I tried to tell Father this, but he wouldn't listen. All of the professors favor her, except Professor Snape. I don't even know why they let Mudblood filth into Hogwarts. If Professor Snape were headmaster, he wouldn't allow Mudbloods. She slapped me, you know...Defending that animal, Hagrid. What a joke! Hogwarts is really going down the drain. Perhaps I can bully Mother into letting me attend Durmstrang next year. I would have slapped the Granger witch back, but I didn't want any Mudblood filth on my hands. All right! The real reason I didn't hit her is that, erm, I kind of like being slapped. Sick, I know. I hope she slaps me again one day. She did look rather pretty at the Yule Ball. You wouldn't have thought she had it in her, with that bushy head of hers and all.
Pansy is okay. She's nice to me like Mother. Perhaps I'll marry Pansy.
Let me tell you a secret. I really cannot stand Crabbe and Goyle. What big stupid oafs, they are! I cannot have an intelligent conversation with either of them! They never get any of my jokes; I have to explain them. What morons! They shouldn't even be in Hogwarts. The only reason they are still in is because of me. I help them cheat on the exams. Father taught me how to cheat; it involves the Dark Arts. Crabbe and Goyle have the brains of a flobberworm. I only keep them around because they are big and hairy; they look like thugs. They frighten everyone, except Scar Head, the Mudblood, and that riff-raff, Ron Weasley. I wish I had some normal friends.
I wish I were a Parselmouth. Why does Scar Head have to be? It's not fair. He has everything! Strutting around Hogwarts with his admirers just like Professor Snape said. That stupid Ginny Weasley falls all over him every time she sees him. Why doesn't she just lick his boots? Oy, Ginny! You can lick my boots! They need a shining, they do.
If I were in the Triwizard Tournament, I would have won. It wasn't fair that they allowed Scar Head in. You know he cheated. No one put his name in the Goblet. That was a bunch of bullpucky. He cheated. I know it! Dumbledore tried to make us toast Scar Head for being brave. Ha! He should have died! What's wrong with this picture? Is the Dark Lord the most powerful wizard who has ever lived or not? If I were the Dark Lord, I would have killed Potter as soon as his stupid scar head appeared in my face. I'm really beginning to have my doubts about the Dark Lord. Oh! Forget I said that. I didn't mean it! Wasn't really thinking straight, you know.
Your mother is so ugly that scientists classified her as another species.
Sometimes, I'm lonely, and Father doesn't approve of me.
I must go now. Father is taking me to the Dark Lord, so that I can have a Dark Mark branded on my arm. Isn't that spiffing?
I hate Potter.