EN:The words below are mine, while the story they are based on are not. You know... the usual.
-excerpt from Alcatraz Library Text Survey
Religious text status log:
Buddhist texts - Runner found texts stashed in basement of a geodesic dome house. According to eyewitness accounts, Runner was struck by lightning upon leaving said church. Further dispatched Runners have reported sightings of an obese man in a tree near the site. Further attempts have been suspended pending drug testing.
Christian texts - Despite the Bible previously being the most common book on this continent, none have been found to date despite numerous Runners currently tasked with the search. Not holding much hope. It's not like one will magically float to our doorstep.
Confucian texts - Runner found The Analects in the hands of deranged vagrant outside of Sacramento. While in the process of reasoning unsuccessfully with said vagrant, the pair were attacked by a mountain lion. The cougar, whom locals have dubbed "Meow" or something to that effect, was seen carrying the book back to its lair, presumably for bedding material. Hunting party has been dispatched.
Hindu texts - Runner found Bhagavad Gita in a cattle rancher's farmhouse. Unfortunately Runner was walking through a neighboring pasture when a tornado touched down near his location. The resulting cattle stampede has left no trace of neither Runner nor text. No further texts have been found thus far.
Islamic texts - Runner tracked down what he thought was a Koran in the possession of a group of women dressed in hijab garments. The nuns, taking offense to being considered Muslims, beat Runner to death with umbrellas and thrown heads of cabbage. Second runner observed Muslim man peacefully requesting entrance into one of the New cities in Nevada. His petition was percussively denied. Koran has been recovered from the body and is safely in the archives.
Jewish texts - Runner had procured a Torah from a wandering rabbi. Runner had to pay handsomely though, as the Torah was claimed to be signed by a 'Mel Gibson'. One can only assume from the rabbi's description that this Mr. Gibson was a great scholar of Judaism. Torah is safely in the archives.
Satanist texts - Runner was last seen traveling the desert accompanied by a dog with whom the Runner appeared to be holding a conversation. It is unknown whether Runner had procured the text. No further attempts have been scheduled at this time.
Scientologist texts - Runner found Dianetics in an unusual-looking cube near San Bernardino. A group of raiders found the cube two minutes after Runner did. The raiders' assumption that Runner found something valuable to them was proven false. Both Runner and book were last seen in the raiders' cooking cauldron. Rumors of a stash of texts in a grease factory near Los Angeles has prompted the dispatching of a Runner to depart tomorrow.
Taoist texts - Runner quickly found what was thought to be the Tao holy text. Upon further scrutiny, the text procured was the 'Tao of Pooh'. Runner has been given eyeglasses for his severance package. Rumors of this text being possessed by a man named Steve has prompted the dispatching of a Runner to depart in a week's time.
Wiccan texts - Runner has found group of Wiccans in rural Oregon, yet has found no texts pertaining to Wicca. Runner was last seen ingesting mushrooms and performing sexual acts with nude women next to a bonfire. Despite numerous volunteers, no other Runners are being dispatched at this time.