Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect and one of the songs presented in this fanfiction.
Anyways, I just wanted to write something that was so crackish and ridiculous just to vent some boredom out. By the way, this story contains slash...yes, it's really gay xD and quite OOC too...I just had to bring shame to myself didn't I? But typing outrageous fanfiction is a guilty pleasure...of mine anyways.
Hopefully I got most of the grammatical errors down, if not...then crap.
I'm prepared to be shot down for writing this shit! Btw, default Shepard's freaky smile rules ;)
"Urgh…no, no, no! I don't want to get punished…"
Shepard looked at Kaidan like the lieutenant was absolutely a lunatic for uttering such nonsense…but…
What was his lieutenant doing in the crew quarters and sleeping in such an uncomfortable position too? Shepard stalked closer towards the napping biotic; he leaned down and saw rapid eye movement occurring behind Kaidan's eyelids.
It looked like he was having one hell of a bad dream the way his face scrunched up together and his lips curves into an unpleasant scowl every five seconds.
Shepard continued to examine the lieutenant's mumblings and face movements.
"Vyrnnus, you bastard! Why do you keep pushing me? Get your hands off of me! Leave Rahna alone!" Kaidan continued to grumble senselessly.
Shepard wondered what Rahna actually looked like, apart from being Turkish and beautiful according to the lieutenant's description. He recalled that Kaidan also told him how wonderful Rahna was and if he ever met her, he would like her too.
Shepard took a seat beside the dreaming lieutenant and positioned himself next to Kaidan.
The commander was too engrossed in examining whatever Kaidan was doing unconsciously with his face, that he didn't notice Liara stepping through. The asari was about to walk towards the pantry, but stopped herself in her own tracks before she passed the dining table when she saw two bodies sitting rather intimately close. She recognized both of them immediately and stepped back very slowly. She was unaware that Ashley was right behind her when the door automatically slid open. The collision caused quite a bit of commotion between the two (they fell on their ass), but it did not reach the commander's ears.
"What are you doing?" Ashley demanded when she saw the asari's nervous expression.
"Shh…" Liara tried to hush the chief, but Ashley didn't understand and only shot the asari a baffled look.
"Huh?" Obviously, Liara didn't want to bother and did not have the desire to explain the situation.
Liara pushed past Ashley without saying anymore. Ashley thought it was strange, but just shook her head and stepped towards the door again.
Her reaction was exactly the same as Liara's, but being the less subtle female she was, she cursed and quite loudly too.
"Holy shit!" Amen…
The commander snapped and that woke Kaidan up. He was surprised to see the commander beside him and was he a bit too close to comfort?
"Wha-what happened? Is there an emergency?" Kaidan asked sleepily. His eyes were feeling fuzzy and they were visibly drowned with the effects of napping.
"No, it's just Williams," Shepard said when he saw the immobilized female. Ashley looked flustered and uncomfortable when both men were on their feet and standing side by side.
"What's up chief?" The lieutenant asked nonchalantly. Ashley casted an anxious look towards Kaidan and cleared her throat before replying.
"May I speak with the commander for a moment please?" Ashley asked politely and Kaidan nodded. He walked out of the crew quarters. Shepard examined Ashley's fidgety movements as she approached the commander.
"What's wrong Williams?" The commander inquired.
"I just wanted to confirm what I saw, are you and Kaidan…together?" Ashley's eyes glittered with a gleam of uncertainty like she didn't know if the wording of her question was appropriate.
"Yeah? We're both marines, of course we're together." Shepard answered straightly.
"No sir, I mean…are you guys connected?" Ashley asked, her cheeks growing hotter by the minute.
"What do you mean?" Shepard acted like he was extremely confused towards the lady, but he knew what she meant. He just felt like screwing around with Ashley. He is such a screwball…
"You looked like you were ready to kiss Kaidan back there!" Ashley blurted out.
"That would be committing fraternization right? Are you worried that I might steal your opportunity to be with the lieutenant?"
Ashley's eyes dilated from the assumption.
"What? No, no…I…" Ashley looked away and stopped herself from finishing her sentence.
"Relax, I was just checking up on the lieutenant," The commander said with a slight smirk.
Ashley narrowed her eyes at the commander. Poor excuse, she saw right through it and somehow the commander didn't detect that.
"Never mind that, I'll talk to you later skipper and I do not have any interest in Kaidan, romantically that is," Ashley said and walked off towards the pantry. Shepard was a bit curious, who did the woman really like? There were a lot of male candidates on the Normandy, hell; it could even be Navigator Pressley! Or…could it be him?
But the thought of him and the lieutenant being together had caused an imagination wheel to run.
The commander headed out and looked for the lieutenant. There stood Kaidan, he looked dislocated and in pain. There were some crew members standing around, minding their business and all, so Shepard casually sauntered down Kaidan lane.
"Kaidan," The commander laid a hand on the lieutenant's shoulder and a drowsy look came in as a reply towards the friendly gesture.
"Commander, sorry, my head's kind of went through an L2 migraine episode. But I'm fine now, the migraine toned down a bit after that nap…" Kaidan winced and rubbed his temples.
"You look like you had a nightmare, want to talk about it?"
"I don't know…the dream was really fast and just plain unclear." Kaidan said.
"You were sleep talking though,"
"I was? Sorry, hope I didn't mutter anything offensive," Kaidan said timidly.
"Don't worry about it; you were just reliving your past in those dreams of yours,"
"Great, just what I wanted," Kaidan rubbed his eyes and if you look close enough, you could see the lieutenant just inherited raccoon eyes.
"You don't look so good, are you getting enough sleep?"
"I think so, I'm not sure…but I'm managing, don't worry about me."
Shepard thought things a bit before proposing this wild idea of his, "Want to bunk with me tonight?"
"Sir, your bed is only for you or for the person you are willing to sleep with; I think it's very sacred…and personal." Kaidan said hesitantly.
"I'm humbled that you think that way, but what's the harm of letting a fellow marine to sleep with his superior? Besides, I command the Normandy; I can sleep with whoever the hell I want." That came out wrong, the whole statement was supposed to bring out a platonic meaning to it. However, the tone and the way Shepard stated his reasons, sounded he was implying something sexual. Poor Kaidan, he was under the pressure of letting out a crimson blush. "What I meant is that we're not really committing fraternization. If it makes you feel better, I'll just sleep in your room. We can trade rooms for the night,"
"What's the difference?" Kaidan asked.
"I have fluffier pillows and a bigger bed, you'll like it."
"I don't think it's proper…"
"Alright then, I command you to see in my room for the night." Shepard said with authority.
"Good." With that the conversation ended.
It was his first time sleeping on Kaidan's bed. It smelled like…shampoo…orange and white ginger…
Shepard remembered what his room smelled like…plastic. That was true, there was absolutely no relieving scent in his room, it just smelled like clean plastic and it was really dull. Kaidan had a little alarm clock and it was really neat and all. Shepard looked at the ceiling that glared back with darkness.
Shepard began to wonder how Kaidan was holding up, then he began to feel somewhat tired…he just didn't notice that he was sleeping after five seconds.
Maybe it was Kaidan's scent that made Shepard dream of him…but it was one hell of a dream…he would probably be too humiliated to admit to it, but he actually loved Kaidan's scent. It made him think that the lieutenant was quite sensitive to both the ladies and men's noses.
Anyways, back to the dream…
Kaidan was in a field of yellowness…it looked like a wheat field. The commander hadn't seen one for such a long time, just seeing one was rare back on Earth.
Shepard could only view the backside of his lieutenant, but when Kaidan turned around, everything shut down.
Darkness engulfed Shepard's dream vision and then Kaidan reappeared under the bright one-man spotlight. He was in some get up and when Kaidan caught Shepard's attention, the man began to sing!
Of course music popped into Shepard's ears along with Kaidan's singing voice.
"10 P.M. to 4 and I came to hit the floor. Thought that you knew before, but if you don't then now you know." The beat reminded him of the Flux, but it was even better because Kaidan was singing and the beat was tightly provocative. Kaidan continued to sing with that voice of his. Shepard then saw himself enjoying the sight of his lieutenant in this state. The whole dream just turned into a third person kind of dream.
The commander was sitting on a chair and Kaidan was just doing his dance. Shepard looked like he was ready to burst out of his chair to do something (bust a move). Shepard just shivered from the sight of himself; his smile looked freaky and quite creepy. Whatever happened next was getting ridiculous! Kaidan's singing changed and the instrumental behind him did the same.
Kaidan just sang under a different tempo, but what really stuck out was this:
"I'm mommy, and that makes you papi, and that makes us lovely! Ow~!"
What the shit?
Kaidan sat on the commander's lap and the lieutenant obviously did something promiscuous…that it just had to beat Shepard out of the dreamland.
Shepard was drenched in sweat when he woke up. Something else also added onto his state of being disturbed, there was definitely something poking out of his underpants and it wasn't his penis! Actually…and sadly it was his penis.
Shepard just wanted to splash some cold water onto his face and forget that whole entire dream of his lieutenant. That damn sweet scent just had to draw out his wild inner desires didn't it?
Wait, what? His inner desires was listening to his lieutenant sing and dance like some first class stripper out of Chora Den?
"Damn it," Shepard groaned to himself.
The commander felt something extra lying across his chest. He looked real close into the darkness and saw that it was an arm. Shepard casually lifted it off his chest and reached for the lights. When he successfully fumbled for the lights he saw his dream of pursuit.
Even though Shepard was the most shock resistant man, he was quite astonished to see the lieutenant on the same bed as him. They were both in their comfy pajamas. Kaidan moved around a little and he unconsciously dragged down Shepard closer towards him. Shepard fell down silently without a fight, his guard was down and everything. His mouth twisted a bit into a side smirk.
"Commander…you smell like…clean plastic and sanitizers." Kaidan snuggled closer as he muttered those words. The commander wasn't sure what to say, but he replied softly, "And you lieutenant, smell like a garden. So very…nice…"
Kaidan smiled as his unconscious self processed these words. "Thank you,"
"You're very welcome," Shepard whispered and he forgot about going to the bathroom to do his business.
When it was time, it wasn't Joker who gave the commander a wake up call; it was Kaidan's alarm clock. Instead of that horrible monotone bleeping that would usually wake up anybody near it, the wake up tone sounded very familiar…
It was quietly singing…
Shepard groaned, feeling a bit sore from having Kaidan sleep all over him last night. But Kaidan was actually still sleeping on his commander, well kind of. The older man's hand was placed on the commander's taut stomach and his head was resting on the younger man's chest. Shepard took the time and trouble to smoothly maneuver himself out of Kaidan's passive clutches. He suddenly flinched and felt his ear twitch. It was that tight provocative music…which was slowly ascending in volume.
"Mmm…10 P.M. to 4…" Kaidan murmured in his sleep.
Shepard looked at the sleeping lieutenant, his eyebrows furrowed together. Was his dream coming true?
Maybe he should get his chair ready…what the hell was he thinking?
Shepard shuffled over to Kaidan's singing alarm clock and examined the buttons that were presented on top of the small machine. Shepard pressed the sleep button and hurried out of the room when he saw Kaidan beginning to actually stir awake.
"Commander, good morning," Kaidan greeted the Spectre.
"Kaidan, may I ask you a question?" The commander asked whilst organizing his locker.
"Yeah, ask away," Kaidan replied merrily.
"Why did you go back to your room? I thought you knew that I was sleeping in there for the night,"
Kaidan immediately grew flustered and anxious. "I-I…don't know…how should I put it? Your room smelled too sterile, I kind of missed my room, no offense commander."
"None taken, but I guess I should take some lessons from you Alenko," Shepard faced Kaidan and leaned in real close until they were practically within kissing proximity. Kaidan stood still and he felt himself blush slightly when his commander whispered something into his ear.
Shepard left afterwards and Kaidan stood there, contemplating those few words that were feed to him.
"What body wash do you use? I like it…a lot."
Anyways, I'll probably hop into writing more slash later...or never. Did you figure out what song I used?
It's Freakshow and Mmm Papi...by who?
BRITNEY SPEARS! God, I love her...Blackout, Circus, and Femme Fatale, I have it all! I keep listening to her songs over and over...never get tired of them. o.o
Okay, enough shitting from me, I hope you had an awkward laugh out of this or two...or have this strong desire to bash me over the head for writing this RIDICULOUS pile of shizz.
Read and Review, kthxbye!