Cuddy pushed open the door to their house, brushing the snowflakes out of her eyelashes. Her scarf was quickly unwound and her thick coat hung up. Her stomach rumbled as she stepped into the living room, seeing House watching the latest episode of Prescription Passion while Rachel scribbled in her colouring book.

"Hello sunshine," he said absentmindedly, offering his lips in an over-exaggerated pout for her to kiss.

Naturally, she obliged, then bent over to kiss Rachel as well. "I'm starving," she sighed, sinking down on the couch next to House. "What's for dinner?"

He looked at her and shrugged. "Whatever you want. I've eaten already and Marina fed the kid."

He turned back to the screen as though it was nothing, oblivious to the anger spreading across Cuddy's face. "You know the rule," she said through gritted teeth. "Whoever's home first makes food for the other."

"That is not a rule," House scoffed. "What's the big deal? I came home, made food for me. You come home, make food for you. Simple."

"When I've worked a fourteen hour day and you've barely done enough to deserve minimum wage, I assume that you understand why it would fall to you to have food ready," she eyed him. "Right? Or are you as delusional you're pretending to be."

Realising just how pissed she was, he sat up. "Come on. It's not a big deal! This isn't some make-or-break issue. We've never had this cosy little arrangement. You're just creating this so you can get me to get up and make you dinner," he raised an eyebrow, challenging her to question him.

"Every time you're working on a case, I'm here for you. If you're not home when I go to sleep, I make you something that doesn't need to be heated and leave it on the table for you. I also make sure that you have clean clothes, a tidy office and don't have to worry about petty little things because I know that you're stressed and need as much help as you can get so you can figure it out," she catapulted at him. "When all you've done is sit in the clinic and play on your gameboy and I've run around like a madwoman doing ten things a second, I'd have thought you'd extend the same courtesy to me."

She pushed herself up and stormed into the kitchen, Rachel's eyes following her. She looked at House, eyes wide. "Uh-oh. You's in twouble," she whispered, mouth forming an O of surprise.

House stuck his tongue out at her good-naturedly, and then called after Cuddy, "you may have thought we had this food agreement, but it was never discussed and specified, ergo, you can't blame me for not complying with it!"

"Because you need everything signed and official," she called back, heavy sarcasm lacing her tone. "Why don't you draw up a relationship contract?" She joked. House followed her in, wrapped his arms around her waist, apologised and cooked her spaghetti carbonara. As she climbed into bed next to him that night, sighing as he spooned her gently, she forgot about their argument and her sarcastic idea.

Naturally, House did not.

Cuddy was seated at her desk the next day, typing up her latest report to present to the board the following morning. As her fingers flew across the keyboard, someone opened her office door, limped over and shut her laptop. "House - "

"I am presenting you with the freshly drawn up relationship agreement of Dr Gregory House and Dr Lisa Cuddy," House announced. He sat across from her, smirking at her incredulous expression. "I was alerted to our predicament on the night of May 14th, 2011, and realised that a solution must be found. After your excellent suggestion, I have spent the morning ignoring my patients to create, refine and finish our contract. Sign here, here, here and here, and initial and date." He folded his arms.

"I have a lot of work to do - " Cuddy tried, but House hushed her.

"Failure to take this seriously will result in a highly undesirable punishment, specified in the contract. Most likely involving bondage," he winked.

Cuddy shook her head. "You're insane," she said, turning the front page and beginning to read.


1. No more than four items of clothing are to be worn at any time by Cuddy when she is in the house.

2. No panties are to ever be worn by Cuddy when she is in the house.

3. No panties that are not from Victoria's Secret are allowed to be seen by the eyes of House.

4. Sex must be had at least twice a day - once if a particularly new or risque scenario is tried. For instance, in one/both of our offices, in front of Wilson, at a monster truck rally, any position from the brand new Kama Sutra that is in House's bedside table.

5. Cuddy will receive two babysitting passes at the beginning of each year. When she has spent those two passes, no more babysitting can be requested.

6. Rachel can sleep in the shared bed a maximum of once per fortnight.

7. House must get a new plasma screen in his office, both the one at home and the one at the hospital.

8. Cuddy will make food for both if she is home first. House will not make food for both if he is home first.

9. The shower cannot be used if both parties are not present.

10. No cute nicknames can be used - for example, sweetheart; baby; honeypie; cutie; pookie etc.

11. Toothbrushes can be shared.

12. Toilet seat stays up.

13. House doesn't not have to be present if Arlene Cuddy is within 30 miles of the house.

14. Wilson is entitled to bowling night with House once a week.

15. Cuddy can't wear skirts that are longer than mid-thigh length.

16. Breasts and/or ass can be pinched, grabbed, squeezed and - occasionally, if House is feeling it - bitten at any time in any place.

17. Cuddy must ride on the bike at least once.

18. Cuddy must refer to House by one of these titles: Master, God, Emperor, Sexiest American Alive, Genius, Your Majesty or The Almighty.

19. Sex will be had at any time House requests.

20. House has permission to overrule Cuddy at the hospital.

21. Cuddy must wear crotchless panties on any day that ends with 'day.'

22. If House suddenly acquires a chimpanzee/lion/three toed sloth (or any other exotic animal) it is to be welcomed and treated like part of the family.

23. Threesome must happen a least once a year.

24. Threesome must involve Cuddy - whether the other participants are House and a girl or two girls is subject to change.

25. Cuddy must always sleep on the wet spot.


Cuddy closed the contract. She nodded. "I will return this to you in due course with my amendments," she replied. "Please show yourself out."

"Dr House?"

House looked up from his office and saw Cuddy's personal lawyer standing outside. He waved her in.

"Dr Cuddy has requested I give this to you," she said. "She also said I had to tell you that you're a self-righteous ass with a God-complex who should be..." She thought. "Strung up and whipped in front of the entire hospital. She also said to read it, sign, and hurry your ass home because she hasn't had the necessary dose of crazy today."

House thanked her and opened up the revised contract.


1. Cuddy may wear as many clothes as she sees fit when inside her own home.

2. Whether panties are worn or not is dependent on annoyance levels - most likely affected by one Gregory House.

3. Three weeks of every month, Cuddy will wear only VS underwear. The other week, House must be content with seeing comfy panties and sweats and provide ice cream on demand.

4. Sex levels will vary day to day and will have no set required amount that can be enforced. Sex in either office is FORBIDDEN. As it sex in front of Wilson. Or in a [very] public place. Cuddy also recommends that House see a therapist and discuss his perverted sexual fantasies.

5. House will babysit when absolutely unavoidable, because that's what being in a relationship is about.

6. Rachel can sleep in the shared bed when she has to and/or is scared/upset, because Rachel trumps any agreement and House knows that.

7. House must deal with his year old plasma screen and stop being an ingrate.

8. The person who is home first will make food.

9. The shower can be used for both sexual gratification and cleanliness. On the hygiene front, House should take note.

10. No derogatory nicknames can be used: Slut, whore, sugar tits, elephant ass etc.

11. Toothbrushes are to be kept SEPARATE.

12. Toilet seat stays down. 2:1 Female to male ratio.

13. House must support Cuddy if Arlene is around - for obvious reasons (to prevent suicide.)

14. Wilson is entitled to bowling night with House once a week - as long as Wilson doesn't end up pantless on the couch for a fourth time.

15. Cuddy can wear skirts that are longer than mid-thigh length because if she doesn't then the board will fire her for looking like a prostitute and House will have to actually work.

16. Breast and ass must be respected and cherished.

17. Cuddy has no obligation to ever ride the death trap.

18. Cuddy must refer to House by one of these titles: Ass, Jerk, Son of a bitch, Bastard, Sadist etc... or House. Or sweetie - in times of desperation.

19. House will respects Cuddy and hints toward sex using foreplay and wooing. Should she decline his proposal - which won't happen often - he is to respect that and make her a cup of peppermint tea.

20. House is submissive to Cuddy at the hospital.

21. Cuddy must wear crotchless panties on any day that ends with 'zucchini.'


23. Threesome could happen on a fifth anniversary if Cuddy feels House deserves it. Dreaming is required for this.

24. House must stop hinting at wanting to do sexual things with other women - whether Cuddy is involved or not.

25. House must always sleep on the wet spot.


"I'm not signing your dumbass agreement," House stated.

"And I'm not signing yours," Cuddy replied from their couch, where they currently were. "So we've appeared to have reached an impasse."

"Give me sex when I want it, crotchless panties and shared toothbrushes and I'll agree to the rest of yours," House compromised.

"No dice," Cuddy told him. "House, this is a joke to you. To me... You're just saying that you want me to a weak-willed blow up doll who makes you food. Of all the women on the planet, why did you pick me to try and turn into that? I'm not your toy or your personal whore, and I'm going to give in and let you walk all over me."

House scoffed, "Cuddy? Seriously? I knew you wouldn't agree to them. You're not that kind of girl. You're stubborn and combative and strong... and I wouldn't have it any other way." He kissed her. "Except for the crotchless panties, of course."

"No chance," she told him, but smiling from his other words.

"That's what you think," he said as he nuzzled her neck. "But unless you lock that panty drawer, don't expect to find them intact when you wake up..."