Disclaimer: If Stephenie believes in God, she must think God owns everything she's created. It's that whole "God is the creator of all that is good in us" strain of logic. And so, in a certain way, God created Twilight, right? (except for Breaking Dawn, of course) Now, if God created Twilight, then don't you think a part of me created Twilight as well? I mean, God is in all of us. His spirit burns in our hearts, flows through our blood, lights up our eyes. He's writing this Disclaimer right now, I presume. And so, if you think about it, not only do I own Twilight, but I own Stephenie Meyer!

Yeah boy!

Fuck Disclaimers!

Now Stephenie, where are my tickets to the BD premiere? And give me two tickets cause God is coming with me.


Act Four Scene Four: {January 2012; transcript of the MTV interview between Joshua Horowitz and Bella Swan}

JH: Bella Swan! I hear congratulations are in order.

BS: Oh, so you aren't going to start this interview with how fat I've gotten? How US Magazine said I looked like Carnie Wilson and Mama Cass with better shoes?

JH: No, of course not. We all know you're pregnant. So congratulations!

BS: Thank you. See, this is why I agred to do the interview with you. You actually have a brain behind those hipster glasses.

JH: So, how far along are you?

BS: This little mother$%#& is six months old.

JH: You and Edward must be excited.

BS: No one is more excited than the karate fetus. He's been kicking like crazy throughout this promo tour. I think he wanted to drop kick Ryan Seacrest when he tried to approach me at the People's Choice Awards last week.

JH: Haha. It's a he? That's great. You think he could take Ryan down?

BS: Please! My dead father could take evil incarnate down.

JH: You think Ryan is evil? Why?

BS: It was from something I heard from a former agent. He wanted to $%#$* with my life, wanted to control it. I feel sorry for whoever works for that psycho. Everyday, I thank God he didn't get his hooks into my dad.

JH: I know this is a sensitive subject but have you visited your father's grave since last year?

BS: Yeah, I did. In August. It was amazing. I went with Edward. We brought every single thing Charlie might have ever given me and burned them in a barrel right over his grave. Then, we painted his tombstone black and spray painted: "He deserved to die and I hope he burns in hell!" in white across the front.

JH: Oh.

BS: You didn't think I would cry over that son of a %$# did you?

JH: Uh, I guess not...

BS: I thought this interview was about "Zeitgeist"? If I wanted to talk about my personal life, Josh, I would have called Ryan, Samantha, and the rest of his cronies.

JH: You're right, you're right. By the way, I saw it last night. Another incredible performance, Bella.

BS: Yeah, so incredible Dreamworks waited until now to release it.

JH: What are you trying to say?

BS: This should have been in theaters in November but they delayed it so that it could not be in contention this awards season with Tanya's, "The Thin Line."

JH: I have heard various bloggers come up with that conspiracy. They say Spielberg wants Tanya Denali in our conscience for her role in the "East of Eden" remake. You buy into it?

BS: Have you SEEN her in "Thin Line? She makes Vanessa Hudgens look like Katharine Hepburn.

JH: Speaking of, Vanessa's performance in "High School Musical: The After Party" has been nominated for a Golden Globe. Anything you have to say about that?

BS: Uh, good luck losing, dumb (&&$+? I don't know.

JH: Wow, BitchySwan is back!

BS: Yeah, um, pregnancy hasn't softened me one bit.

JH: I see. And Edward has a more hands on approach with you because of it, hasn't he?

BS: You saw how he pulled a Sean Penn last week. TMZ's video went viral, didn't it? When he went up to their paparazzo's face and told him off, I bet they %&*#* their pants.

JH: And throwing the video camera.

BS: That &&*%% deserved it. He called me a cow. I would have decked him myself if Edward wasn't there acting like Rocky Balboa. He's taken boxing classes since we found out I was pregnant. He's like a PR/bodyguard all in one.

JH: Haven't you had a bodyguard for years now?

BS: Blacko? Oh, he's gone. He and Edward were like the opposite sides of a magnet. They couldn't get along for anything. So, I had to fire him.

JH: And he was OK with that?

BS: Yeah. I introduced him to an actor who needed him more and paid him better.

JH: Who could possibly need tighter security than you? You're like the paparrazzi's dream right now.

BS: Um, Robert Pattinson.

JH: OK, I'll give you that. Do you think Edward will throw cameras to the ground every time a paparrazo approaches you?

BS: He better! He's exceptional at it.

JH: Aren't you afraid of being sued? Will that paparazzo from last week sue?

BS: He already has. That's all they ever want, anyway. Money. That's the only reason why they're in this business of calling pregnant women cows and trying to take private photos of us. Now that #&$*+ has enough dough to buy as many cameras as he wants.

JH: So, you settled?

BS: Yes, he was out of that court house faster than you can say "a million dollars."

JH: You paid him a million dollars?

BS: Listen, Josh, I really don't have all day. Are we going to talk about "Zeitgeist" or will Edward have to come out here and rough you up a little too?

JH: I'm sorry, Bella. I am, but {inaudible}.

BS: My life is more interesting than a film about a mercenary who kills bad guys for cash, and %&# them for pleasure?

JH: To the rest of the world it is, yes. A meme is now out of Edward throwing the camera to the ground. See, this one where he's hurling it at Sarah Palin's head? Then, at Osama Bin Laden. Then, at Justin Beiber? And this one combined with your meme with Carey at the MMAs last year. How could you not see that your lives have captivated millions of people.

BS: But... we're really boring. I sit at home learning how to cook with Edward's mom. Before the tour, it was beef stew. Next week, it'll be tortilla soup with his sister. Edward just bought a puppy from a shelter. We're painting the nursery tomorrow. There's really nothing more to us, Josh.

JH: And Alice?

BS: Who?

JH: You haven't spoken to her?

BS: I haven't a clue who you are talking about. Is she another bimbo who got nominated for a Golden Globe?

JH: Will you ever speak to her again?

BS: The karate fetus is kicking again, Josh. You better cool it.

JH: OK, OK. I'll quit with the questions about Alice. Is it true you're attached to the Tarantino film, "Fire Angels"?

BS: Now THAT! That, I can't discuss with you.

JH: Ah. So, the rumors of you leaving Hollywood for good after this baby is false?

BS: I could never stop acting. It's a part of me, always will be. So, that rumor needs to die.

JH: What about rumors of you beginning a production company with Carey Mulligan?

BS: I think that will be all Carey. I'm not a part her crew, but she could hire me any time. She wants to make films for, by, and about strong independent women. I would love to be a part of one of those films.

JH: So, you two are in a better place, now?

BS: Yes, Oprah. We are shiny, happy people, my friends and my family. I don't think I could be alive right now without them.

JH: OK, one last thing. Is that a wedding band on your finger?

BS: Wow, Joshua. Very attentive. You want to borrow it?

JH: I don't think it would fit.

BS: You're just jealous because Edward didn't give you one, aren't you?

JH: I am, just a little. So, you two had a private ceremony last year?

BS: Are you hoping I say no so that you could receive the invite? Or are you hoping I say yes for breaking news from this interview?

JH: Neither. I'm hoping for yes because my wife wants to double date with you two.

BS: OK, well. Then yes, it is a wedding band.

JH: Well, congratulations again, Bella. Do you think your character in "Zeitgeist" would be happy for you?

BS: Hell yeah. Cezane would love it. She was a woman who lived in the moment, who lived for pleasure and happiness. She said herself at the end of the film: "La raison pour laquelle les gens trouvent difficile d'être heureux, c'est qu'ils voient toujours mieux le passé qu'il ne l'était, le présent pire qu'il ne l'est et le future moins résolu qu'il ne le sera!"

JH: Excuse me?

BS: It's about happiness. Google it. I think if people like my sister, her husband, my ex-agent, and my father understood that, I wouldn't be here talking to you about my personal life so much, and we could focus on a film I put my blood, sweat and tears into to create.

JH: But these days you know it's a part of the job, Bella. It's unavoidable.

BS: You're so wrong about that, Josh. I could become a porn star and marry Ryan the media's devil king tomorrow and what I do in my life STILL shouldn't be mentioned in this interview. It's not my %$#% job. It's not entertainment.

JH: So, why did you answer all of those questions earlier about your pregnancy, visiting your father, about Tanya Denali, and making tortilla soup? You could have chosen not to answer them.

BS: But where's the fun in that? You want a show, don't you? You want BitchySwan, so I just made her up for you.

JH: You mean everything you told me was a lie?

BS: Everything I told you was what you wanted me to tell you. Aren't you entertained?

JH: Are you saying everything you will ever say on air will be for the sole purpose of entertainment?

BS: Isn't that what you do for a living? You speak to us for entertainment purposes. Why can't I?

JH: Bella, I ask questions for information, not for...

BS: B.S.? Josh, this whole thing is B.S., don't you get it? If people really gave a #$&& about what I said, I would be the #%&*$## president of the United States. But they all know that I'm just an actress, living in the moment, trying to be happy. Anyone who thinks I'm more than that can go #%%& themselves.

THE END

A/N: A quote by Maurice Pignot "The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."