A/N: Again sorry for the massive update time, I know I'm rubbish! In my defensive real life has been extremely hectic but it's calmed down a bit now so hopefully I will be able to update about once a week now. This update is pretty much all down to michemistic who sent me such a lovely message it kicked me up the backside and got me back to updating!
This chapter is a bit different from the rest, let me know what you think.
Her breathing returns to normal as the sweat on her body cools and she is brought back down to Earth with a big bump. If her doctor hadn't have insisted she have the contraceptive injection after Josh was born she could have found herself in exactly the same situation as she was just over a year ago. Not once did she think about making Jesse wear a condom and he certainly didn't think about it.
She has no idea what Jesse has been doing or who he has been doing it with whilst failing out of college and she has probably just opened herself up to a whole host of STI's. Apparently she still looses all of her senses whenever he is close to her. She so doesn't need the cost of antibiotics right now.
Her mind drifts to the last time she was in this position and the nine months of agony that came along afterwards. Giving Jesse the Cliff Notes version of her pregnancy earlier has brought the memories to the surface and she finds it impossible to stop herself re-living the worst nine months of her entire life….
It had been three weeks since what Rachel can only bring herself to name "the incident" and for the 14th morning in a row she was violently spewing her guts up. Thank God she had her own bathroom, she thought as finally felt the lurching in her stomach subside. Flushing the toilet and pulling herself to her feet simultaneously, she allowed herself to face the inevitable, she was pregnant.
She had been throwing up at least three times a day for the past two weeks, it had been over a month since she had lost her virginity and she had not had her period. Either she was pregnant or she had the stomach bug from hell. She really hoped it was the second one.
Her phone went off to signal that five minutes had passed (the package had indicated three but she had wanted to give it ample time to ensure the test had worked) and she headed for the sink and the small white stick that held her future all in one tiny window. Yep definitely pregnant. Shit. She abhors swearing but she can't think of a better word to sum up her current situation. She's always been a fan of drama but this just takes the biscuit. She had sex once with a guy who proceeded to smash an egg on her head the very next day and on the day she finds out she is pregnant with his child she has to face him at Regionals, along with the rest of his team and the mother that abandoned her. Shit.
By the time new Directions arrive at the theatre, she is a wreck. Her palms are sweating and her nerves at seeing him after his betrayal are combining with her weak stomach and she knows that any moment she is going to vomit again. For the first time in her life she really doesn't feel like performing today. She needs to see him, inform him of her current situation and then get away from him as fast as possible. In a daze she walks with the rest of her team to their dressing room.
She still doesn't understand what happened with them, one day she felt cherished, adored and respected. She thought they had the perfect relationship, they had got over all of the jealousy and hurt her Run Joey Run stunt had caused and were just so good together. He really got her, like no-one else did. He understood and even shared her dreams and she had finally allowed herself to get comfortable, to think that she has finally found someone that she can be herself with.
The next day he smashed an egg on her head and she has no idea why. Was everything a lie, did he really invest all of that time and effort with her just to throw her off before a competition? She knew that Jesse was a good actor but to be able to keep up that charade for the entirety of their relationship he would have had to be completely heartless. And now she is tied to him for her entire life by the tiny entity currently growing in her belly.
She pulls herself together and quietly slips away from the rest of New Directions. She's hoping the band-aid analogy will work for her in this situation and she can get this over with before she breaks down in his presence. There is nothing more heart breaking than still being in love with someone who has broken your heart. Actually, she corrects herself in her head, there is nothing worse than still being in love with someone who has broken your heart and is the father of your un-born child.
She walks down the corridor towards his dressing room with a growing sense of dread, she has no idea what to say to him, or if he will even talk to her at all. She raises her fist to knock on the door and lets out a small squeak of surprise as it is pulled open to reveal Andrea Cohen.
"What do you want, Yentyl?
Brilliant, a musical theatre themed insult, her overwrought emotions can't take this and the insult has her on the verge of tears.
"I need to speak to Jesse." She mumbles in the general direction of the floor.
"And what could you possibly have to say to him that is of any importance? It was an acting exercise for him to funkify the competition. Look at you and look at me, who do you really think can hold his attention?" Rachel is almost impressed that Andrea hardly took a breath throughout that whole mortifying put down.
Her voice is thick with tears as she whispers, "I have something important to tell him."
"God Rachel, your pathetic loser is showing through. I'm guessing Jesse was the first guy to show you a scrap of attention and you were too naïve to know that it was all an act. Your like a little dog begging for scraps, it's just sad. Move on, he has."
She barely makes it to the nearest bathroom before projectile vomiting. She rinses her mouth out and dazedly makes her way back to her dressing room. Sleeping with her was just a game to him, there is absolutely no way Jesse is going to care about their baby.
The next thing she knows, she is standing at the edge of the stage watching Jesse sing a flawless rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. She is indulging herself in one moment of weakness before she gets ready to raise his child without him. The rest of New Directions is at the hospital with Quinn, she's not sure what it says about her school that even the Glee Club has been witness to two teenage pregnancies.
She looks up and suddenly their eyes meet across the stage. He still takes her breath away.
The remaining four weeks of the school year pass by in a painful haze for Rachel, Glee Club is given a reprise after their inevitable loss to Vocal Adrenaline and she can barely muster up the effort of pretending to be excited. At least she has an excuse to cry all the time for a while.
Summer vacation starts and instead of her usual summer routine of classes and training, she saves the money her fathers give her, she has a feeling she is going to need it. She always has been a little bit psychic. She spends her time wallowing in misery and watching 16 and Pregnant on MTV. She can't help but think her situation is worse than any of those girls. It has become a masochistic obsession to constantly remind herself of her own stupidity. Not once does she call Jesse, she knows he wouldn't care even if she could find the courage from somewhere Andrea Cohen certainly let her know that much. Last time he cracked an egg on her head, she can't imagine what he would do if she told him she was pregnant. Laugh in her face most probably.
Besides, even if he did care about her, he was going to UCLA to live out his dreams, she couldn't be the one to take that away from him. Just because she was stuck here didn't mean he had to be. She was getting very good at rationalising probably the worst decision she had ever made, deep down she knew he had a right to know, but, she was angry and scared and hurt and a whole host of other emotions. She had made up her mind and she was stubborn. She would do this on her own.
Her twelve week scan was possibly the scariest and most wonderful moment of her entire life. The scary part was the waiting room, she prayed with all her might that no one she knew would see her. The wonderful part was seeing her baby for the first time, that grainy black and white image was the most beautiful thing she had seen in her entire life.
That tiny printed image was all that kept her going most days. Her pregnancy was not turning out to be as easy as they made it look on television, if she only threw up three times in one day it was a good day and it didn't stop as she went into her second trimester like it was supposed to. Also it was getting increasingly hard to hide the fact that she was pregnant from her fathers. She was so tiny to begin with that at three months her bump was already extremely prominent. Evidently she hadn't been as discreet as she thought she had.
She was exactly 14 weeks pregnant when her father sat her down with matching thunderous expressions on their faces.
"Rachel are you pregnant?" Hiram Berry forced out through clenched teeth.
Right straight to the point then. She looked at the floor unable to answer them, she was so ashamed of herself for disappointing them. "Yes." She whispers.
"How could you do this to us Rachel, have we not given you everything you could ever want, have we not paid for every vocal and dance lesson? And this is how you repay us? By getting knocked up like some cheep slut?"
Silent tears stream down her face as she flinches at her usually soft spoken fathers harsh words. She has never been in trouble with her fathers before and she has no way to deal with the force of their anger. "I'm sorry" She manages to choke out around a sob.
"Get rid of it." Leroy spits at her.
Her head snaps up and her move to each of her fathers in turn, hoping to find that they are not seriously asking her to kill her baby. She is not encouraged by what she finds. She didn't know her fathers were so cold.
Her voice is stronger now. "No. I can't, I won't." She is deadly serious. She finds out to her detriment so are they.
"Don't be so naïve Rachel. We have invested too much time and money into you for you to ruin it all now. You will do what we say or you will face the consequences."
She has never been scared of her fathers before but in this moment she is terrified of what they might do to her.
Hiram hasn't spoken since his initial question and she lets herself hope for a tiny second that he will side with her. He looks at her like she is dirt beneath his shoe as he speaks, "You will get rid of that bastard child or you will get out of this house."
She gasps and feels her last shred of hope die within her. "No; please. I'm your daughter."
"Get rid of it or we have no daughter."
She runs up the stairs and by the time she has reached her room she can barely breathe through her sobs. She was prepared to do this alone but she thought at least her fathers would be there for her. What the hell is she going to do now? She has literally no-one to turn to.
She calms down through sheer force of will as she stuffs all of her clothing that still fits her into a duffle bag. In another duffle bag she puts a few photos and personal items like the blanket she has had since she was a baby and some of her jewellery. She sends a quick prayer of thanks that she has been saving for New York since she was about 4 so thankfully she has enough money to last her a while but the practical side of her brain still knows that she will need to get a job in order to buy everything she will need for the baby and even then it will be a stretch once she adds on rent for somewhere to stay. She stops herself thinking before she begins to hyperventilate.
An hour later she finds herself at Noah's door.
"Can I stay here for a few days?"
Noah nods his head and lets her in without comment. People really don't give him enough credit.
The first time she sets foot in her new apartment she barely manages to hold her emotions in check. It comes "furnished" so it has a sofa, a table and a bed although all three have seen better days and there is a very suspicious stain on the sofa. At least cleaning this apartment will keep her mind distracted from the horror of her current situation. After living in her apartment for a week she is extremely grateful for the multiple locks on her door, this is not a nice neighbourhood but it was all that she could afford.
She has four weeks until she has to go back to school and there is absolutely no way that she will be able to hide the fact that she is pregnant. She has looked at her options using the free wi-fi at the library and she has found that the state will pay for a babysitter for her until Josh is 6 months old. She has calculated that if she can do double the course load and take summer classes next year she will be able to graduate a year early and then she can either go to community college or get a job. Which means she won't have time for Glee.
Everything has happened so fast she hasn't had time to process the fact that it is now almost impossible for her dreams to come true. She thinks she needs to make new dreams now, more realistic ones.
School starts again and at 22 weeks pregnant her bump is almost the same size as Quinn's was when she gave birth and growing bigger every day. She really hopes the majority of it is water otherwise she is literally going to be slit in half. School is even worse than she had imagined. She has managed to avoid seeing anyone but Noah this entire summer but the second she steps foot into the hallway all eyes are on her. Santana is in her first class and by lunch the entire Glee Club knows what has happened. Even Finn has managed to work out that it must be Jesse's baby.
She walks past Kurt and Tina and the hallway and hears the word "slut" drift her way. It hurts more than she thought it would. She turns the corner towards her locker and is promptly met with two slushies to the face. Karofsky and his minion high five each other. As she is running towards the bathroom she hears them shout after her.
"At least Fabray was a Milf!"
Fantastic. Her shitty life just got shittier. She runs her hair under the tap and feels a fluttering in her womb. She gasps as her hand automatically moves to the spot and she feels a tiny foot come up to meet her.
"Hello baby" She whispers in awe. It is a sign of things to come that her baby can make her feel better after even the worst of days.
She spends her 17th birthday alone in her apartment doing homework and going over notes for the kids she is tutoring. She makes it up until 9 o'clock before she starts sobbing. Noah invites her over for Hanukah. She lasts until she gets home.
She is in her apartment on the Saturday before school starts again after winter break when her water breaks. It's 11 o clock at night and she hopes to God Noah is sober enough to driver her to the hospital as she can't afford the call out charge for an ambulance. He picks her up twenty minutes after she calls him. She feels completely out of control as contractions wrack her body. This is moving a lot faster than she thought it would.
She gets to the hospital and is told that she is too far along for an epidural. In her current state this sounds like the worst news in the world. Prior to this, dislocating her knee was the worst pain she had ever suffered. This puts that to shame. The sounds she is making right now don't even sound human to her ears. Although she does manage to hit a high C and is impressed at herself for all of 30 seconds until the next contraction hits and all she can think about is passing an entire human through her vagina. Having sex just the once has not prepared her for this. She wishes Jesse was here so she could scream at him for ruining her life.
Two hours later she is handed her son and he takes her breath away. He looks exactly like Jesse except his eyes, he has her eyes. She is still slightly giddy from the gas and air so she finds it hilarious that her inner monologue seems to come directly from Harry Potter. She thinks he makes the last nine months of hell worthwhile. The nurses teach her to properly change a diaper; how to bath him and how to breast feed. She almost cries from frustration when he just won't latch on but she eventually gets the hang of it. It hurts like hell but she gets used to the pain like everything else, she cannot afford formula.
Noah is her only visitor. He tells her that even though Jesse is still a "douche", they make a cute kid. She laughs until he follows it with "He deserves to know Rachel." She kicks him out. Now she has no visitors and is forced to take a taxi home with Josh when they are both discharged. She wryly congratulates herself for alienating the absolute last person who was willing to help her.
She finds it is almost impossible to unlock her front door whilst juggling a bag full of hers and Josh's things and a car seat with a new born baby in it in a hallway where you are extremely reticent to put anything down on the floor. After ten minutes of struggling the door finally clicks and she shuffles into her apartment with her precious cargo. Her heart sinks at the site she is greeted with.
"Home sweet home." She mutters under her breath.
Joshua begins to cry. She is exhausted as she lifts him from his car seat and begins to rock him. An hour later Josh is still crying and silent tears a running down her cheeks as she desperately tries to get him off to sleep. She has tried everything, but his diaper isn't wet, he isn't hungry and he doesn't have wind. She thinks he is crying for his daddy and she feels like the worst person in the entire world.
She is jolted from her memories as Jesse's hand tightens on her hip and jolts from the soft doze he had been engaging in behind her.
"Oh my God Rachel, I didn't wear a condom. I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry, I.."
She cuts him off with a soft squeeze of his hand. "It's OK, I had the injection just after Josh was born, my doctor thought it was a good idea even when I told him there was no-one in the picture. I'm good for another month."
She can feel the sudden tension ease from him muscles. For the first time in her life she has no idea what to say to him. She can't pretend she doesn't want him anymore; the fact that they are both naked right now sort of makes that a moot point. She is absolutely terrified of letting him back in, if he leaves her again her tenuous hold over everything will snap and she will be left well and truly broken. She feels so vulnerable with him here like this. Suddenly, she feels the over whelming urge to have clothes on right now.
She pulls herself from his grasp and quickly shrugs her t shirt and skirt back on. "You need to leave. Now." She can't look at him as she says it. Rustling sounds behind her indicate he is putting on his clothes. Good, he is taking her seriously.
"Rachel. Don't do this. Stop pushing me away." He sounds angry. He grabs onto her arm and spins her around to face him. "I want to be with you and I know you want that too, just trust me and let me help you."
"Trusting you got me egg on my face; it got me kicked out of my house and living in an apartment that needs five separate locks on the door why would I trust you? I'm not myself when I'm around you. You make me do stupid things and apparently I just keep doing them. Get out. Now. Or I will call the police."
He picks his bag up from the floor and moves towards the door without a sound. He looks back at her before he leaves and the look on his face is devastating. She remembers seeing the same look on her face except hers was covered in egg, it gives her absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever that they are finally even.
She locks the door behind him and sinks to the floor. Her thighs ache and her intimate muscles are sore. Her eye lids feel like lead weights she is so unbelievably tired. The silence in her apartment is deafening.