I feel like ripping out the last page and chucking it in the bin. It's only been a day and already my life has become drastically more interesting – maybe it was just God because he can see what I was writing and decided that I was far too boring and so decided to spice my life up. I dunno. And I don't really care. I'm just really super glad.
Anyway, let me explain.
There is this guy at school. We're not friends but he is gorgeous. I wouldn't ever go up to him and start talking to him (I'm definitely not that type of girl), but every so often I like to just look at him. The eye candy around La Push isn't that great, considering we've all grown up with each other but Jared… Jared is something else.
He hadn't been at school for a couple of weeks. According to Lucy and Michele, he's been hanging around with Sam Uley. I don't usually listen to the gossip – which was a major down side to living in such a small place, all there ever was to do for people was to gossip about the lives of others – but my ears seemed to be finely tuned to listen in whenever they discuss Jared. He came back to school today.
Gorgeous doesn't even cover it anymore. He's grown like two feet – in height and width. And not in the 'ate too much when I was off school' way, more like the 'I couldn't come to school because I was too busy eating protein bars and working out' way. Girls were trying to jump his bones the moment he walked in. And Paul, he came back today too and apparently he's 'so freaking yummy!', but I didn't really see the attraction. He once shoved into Michele in the hallway and she spilled her precious soup all down her front and he didn't even apologise properly. I mean, yeah it's a bit weird to bring soup to school but if you're gonna make someone stink of tomatoes all day and ruin their clothes, have the manner to at least say sorry. He always looks so brooding as well. I don't see why he can't lighten up. I may have seemed like a total pessimist yesterday, but today is a new day. And I am a new woman. An optimistic, happy woman.
Jared kissed me today.
Okay, it was on the cheek, but still. Jared kissed me.
I'm getting ahead of myself again, I know. I'll take it back to Math. First period. I was tired and a little bit cranky, so I begrudgingly made my way to the back of the class to take my seat, not even really noticing that the chair was empty. Jared sits there but, like I said, he hadn't been here for ages. But then I realised everyone was doing that excited little whisper thing. It was obviously one of the rare occasions that something different happened. However, the annoying buzz of whispers all completely shut off when the door opened and freaking King Kong walked through the door. Okay, he's not quite as tall as King Kong, but he was massive. I'm pretty sure he had to duck to get through the door. Jared made his way to the seat next to me and flung himself down, looking a little put out. It was quite obvious everyone had been talking about him so you couldn't blame him for being moody.
I tried not to stare at him, I really did. I'm not some weirdo stalker girl. I just think it's rude not to appreciate a nice view. And he is definitely a very, very nice view.
And then, my precious little diary, the most world-changing, life-shattering, brain-boggling thing happened.
He looked up into my eyes and it felt like the Earth stopped spinning. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think about how I looked like a fish gaping at him in the way that I did, I didn't even care that I gawked into his eyes for about five minutes straight. All I could think about was how insanely beautiful he was. And that I'm pretty sure I now have the worlds biggest crush on him. I can't explain the feelings I felt for him when he looked at me like that. I probably looked like such an idiot, but I didn't care. My heart was thumping at an unhealthy rate and the speedy blood flow was making me kind of dizzy.
I'm probably just exaggerating because I'm on a bit of an emotional high right now, and by tomorrow I might even have forgotten about it, but it was bizzarely phenomenal.
Ignore what I just said, I could never forget that look. I'll probably be ninety and in a care home and I'll still remember the time in Math when Jared Thail looked at me with such intensity that I fell off my chair.
Yes, that's right. I fell of my chair. I'm not embarrassed to admit it.
Okay, yes I am. It was so freaking embarrassing. I was in the middle of putting my bag on the back of my chair and for some reason the strap got hooked round my foot, then I got distracted by Jared and the feelings and I managed to trip and slide off the chair and onto the floor. I still remember every single word he said as he helped me up. He seemed to really panic. I was fine with just laying on the floor in a pool of my own humilation, but he seemed to want to help me up.
"Kim! Are you okay?" his arms slid effortlessly around me as he pulled me off the floor as if I weighed nothing. That made me like him even more. When I fell down the stairs last week Jason helped me up, which was the biggest surprise in itself, but he made this really loud groaning sound and had a massive grimace on his face as he tried to haul me up. Doesn't make a girl feel great, you know?
Anyway, back to the story.
I nodded and blushed and acted like a bit of an idiot while Jared brushed a strand of hair off my face. My heart burst at the small, intimate action.
"Are you sure? You're not hurt, are you?"
Who even falls of their chair when they're sitting on it? It was a perfectly stable chair. I seem to just manage the impossible as long as it means that I will become exceedingly embarrased. I don't know how or why I do these things to myself.
"I'm fine," I said, forcing out a smile as I tried not to think at how much of a dick I was, or how his burning hot touch felt so good. Unfortunately, I noticed that people were starting to stare so I slipped out of his arms and sat back down on the dangerous chair.
He stayed there, stood perfectly still and seemingly perfectly content as he stared at me. Yes, stared at me. I don't know why but I do know that I liked it and I couldn't stop staring back at him.
Eventually the teacher told him to sit down and although Mr. Meakin is one of my favorite teachers, I felt like stabbing him with a compass for moving the beautiful Jared out of my line of sight. I still stared at him all lesson, but I had to crane my neck to the side and now it really hurts.
Oh, the many pains we have to go through for love…
Scratch that. Ignore the mention of love. I am not even falling in love with Jared because I barely even know him. We don't even talk. Well, until today. He talked to me a lot today.
"Will you let me walk you to your next lesson?" he asked when the bell signalling the end of Math had rung. I picked up my stuff and turned to him, having to crane my neck, again, to look up at him.
"Err… why?" I said awkwardly. I don't even understand why I'm so awkward. It's embarrassing to have to explain how unsmooth I am.
Jared stepped closer and my mind clouded with the close proximity. The heat was rolling off him in waves and I frowned.
"Are you feeling okay?" I asked, having to look up even higher now that he was closer. He paused and a small smile slowly pulled at features.
"Yeah… I'm feeling great, actually."
"Oh… that's good. You just feel a bit err, warm. I didn't know whether you had flu or something."
He shook his head and continued to stare at me. It was beginning to make me feel quite self conscious. I was so confused. Why now, after years of being in the same school – and year, and class –, did he suddenly start talking to me and staring at me as if we're the closest of friends?
"Come on, the bell went ages ago," he said softly, his hand cupping my elbow as he gently guided me out. I only noticed then that nearly everyone else had already left. My mind was far too preoccupied with all things Jared.
His fingers really were so warm. I could feel the warmth radiating off of him, even through my thick sweater. I didn't understand why I was worrying so much about him, but the thought of him being ill or in pain or just… unhappy suddenly brought a sick feeling to my stomach and it felt like cold, steel hands were gripping tightly at my heart.
He dropped his hand from my elbow and I just felt empty. I don't know how to describe it. His touch felt good. I liked the closeness.
I didn't even know what I was thinking. Why am I suddenly feeling like this? Sure, he's great to drool over when I'm having a crap day, but I don't think I cared for him – he was, after all, just another guy in my class that I didn't speak to that much. But when I stared up at him in the hallway as he walked me to History, he didn't feel like 'just another guy'. He felt like much more than that. Much more. Significantly more, in fact.
"Jared! Jared, wait up a sec," someone called from behind us and I remember suddenly being really quite angry with that person for spoiling the alone time between us. I'd been building myself up to say something. I was just waiting to find out what it was. Maybe something witty and funny or clever but as soon as he brushed into me or looked over at me, my mind went blank and I couldn't think of a single thing to say except for blurting out 'You're the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in my life', and I think I'd probably scare him away if I did that.
We both turned as Paul jogged up to us. He opened his mouth to say something to Jared and then seemed to realise that I'd stopped too. I don't know why. He obviously didn't want to speak to me. I just really didn't want to leave Jared's side.
God, I sound so needy.
It's not my fault. I can't explain what it feels like. It was as if there are tiny little strings attached to my heart and tummy, and every other cell inside my body, which are incessantly tugging me towards him. They seemed to have wound themselves around me the moment he looked into my eyes and they wouldn't go away. In fact, the need to get closer to him seemed to be getting stronger every minute that I wasn't close to him.
"Do you mind?" Paul said to me, as if he'd really like to say 'why are you here? Fuck off, I want to talk to my friend, not you', but was too polite. Not polite enough that he'd keep that tone out of his voice, I noted.
"Oi, shut up," Jared blurted out, punching Paul in the arm with quite a force.
Both Paul and I stared at Jared in alarm. He looked between us as if he was confused with himself and then he frowned at Paul before stepping closer to me.
"Err…" Paul had said, looking a bit gormless, I have to say. "Please may I speak to you in private, Jared?"
"No, I'm walking Kim to class and –"
"Jared," I tried to interrupt, without being rude. He turned his head to me quickly. "It's fine. My classroom is just round the corner," I tried to smile at him, even though I desperately wanted to just throw myself into his arms and hug the life out of him. And kiss him. And other stuff, but we won't go into that.
"No, I –" Jared stumbled on his words and stared into my eyes almost desperately. "Paul can wait."
"It's fine," I laughed. Why would I care? It's not biggy. "I've walked to class enough times by myself. I'm sure I'll live."
It was a biggy. I wanted to spend every living moment in his presence.
Okay, that's a bit too exaggerated. I'm over emotional again. Right? I have to be exaggerating. It makes no sense to feel like this otherwise.
"Kim, please, I –" he broke off again and his eyes darted around the hallway, Paul standing behind him, completely forgotten about. "Will you sit with me at lunch?"
"O-kay," I said slowly and a smile lit up his face. I don't know why. Maybe he's making fun of me. Maybe it was all just a joke. He's probably just using his dashing good looks to try and seduce the stupidest girl he could find, and I was falling for it hook, line and sinker. I'm not even really that stupid.
In my heart I knew I couldn't believe that no matter how many times I thought it.
"Good," he smiled. His eyes burned mine with their intensity. I tried not to go weak at the knees and fall over like some silly helpless bimbo, but it was difficult.
"I'll err, see you later, then," I said as I started to step away. He nodded and for a moment I let myself believe that he could feel the invisable stings tugging between us too.
But that's insane. There's no way that he could feel this way about me. There's no way that I'm feeling this about him. It's stupid.
It's probably just a crush. I'm sixteen and I'm probably just feeling the developments of a crush. That is all.
I turned and tried to walk normally, as if I didn't feel his eyes on my back. I felt like being sick and the thought of having to go through a whole lesson of History suddenly horrified me more than ever. Maybe I was still a little out of sorts since the whole 'staring madly into each others eyes' thing. I don't know. It wasn't because it meant I had to sit there, knowing I wouldn't see Jared for another whole hour. Was it?
I turned before I reached the classroom to get a final look of Jared. He was whispering something into Paul's ear. Paul gaped at him before turning to look at me, his eyebrows raised with an unimpressed and shocked look on his face. Jared turned and looked at me too, although he didn't look unimpressed or shocked… he looked joyful.
Quickly, I turned around and swallowed nervously before stepping into the classroom, where I was immediately berated for being late and I failed to make up even a lame excuse. I couldn't blame Jared because for some reason I seemed to have believed I'd hallucinated all of it. Plus, it wasn't right to blame people for things and it was my fault after all. I just traipsed off to the back of the classroom, going over and over everything Jared had said, the way he'd looked at me, the way his fingers wrapped around my arm and his touch sent shooting sparks of electricity and excitement to coarse through my body. The teacher asked me a question and I didn't even realise she was speaking to me. I got detention.
Like I said yesterday; I'm boring. I don't get detention. I've had it a total of two times throughout my whole time at this school. And this is La Push, so it isn't just a high school – there is only one school on the reservation for all years. I've had detention twice in my life. And that was only ever for forgetting homework.
I didn't see much more of Jared for the rest of the day. If I saw him in the corridor, he'd make a beeline for me but we would just have to go to class quickly anyway, as to not get to class late again. In the classes that we were in together (the rez isn't that big, so there are only ever one, two or, at a push, three classes for a period per year) even though we weren't sitting next to each other and were often on opposite sides of the room, we still seemed to spend most of the time staring at each other. I don't want to sound cocky, but it's true. I'm not exactly beautiful, so it's not like guys spend their time staring at me. But even Aysel noticed and started to nudge me to stop me from drooling. Okay, I wasn't drooling. I just couldn't stop looking at him.
"Kim," he breathed into my ear as his hands fell to my shoulders.
I looked up at Jared in alarm as I exited the classroom of my last period of the day.
"I've been so worried."
"Worried?" I said, confused.
"You said you'd sit with me at lunch. I couldn't find you anywhere."
"Oh crap," I whispered and my mouth fell open. I was going over everything he said and I forgot that? "I'm sorry, I – I had detention."
He nodded, still looking surprised and a little crestfallen.
"I really am sorry, Jared."
He smiled and his hands slipped down to my arms. "That's okay, Kim."
I smiled, even though I felt like shit for kind of standing him up – which is a stupid thing to say because it was just lunch at school and he probably didn't even really care that much, but it made him look sad and that made me feel bad. Worse than bad. The sight of him smiling seemed to cheer me up dramatically, I realised.
"Because I didn't get to spend time with you at lunch, will you let me drive you home?"
I nearly dropped to knees and screamed to the heavens for letting this beautiful, kind and seemingly genuine guy pay attention to me.
"Aysel is supposed to be giving me a lift but…"
"I'm sure she won't mind having one less person in the car," he said, grinning at me with this cheeky little twinkle in his eyes.
"Okay," I agreed far too easily. If I had been in the normal frame of mine I'd be wondering why the hell he was even asking or why he cared, and I'd probably start to fret that he was going to kidnap me, but today I couldn't care less. I just wanted to spend as much time in Jared's presence as I could without having to kidnap him.
"I'll just go tell Aysel."
"I'll meet you outside the school doors," he said, smiling again. He squeezed my arms before hopping off down the corridor.
I pretty much ran up to Aysel and tried to explain to her as quickly as possible that I didn't need a lift before I quickly made it out the school to meet Jared.
Cool. Cool. Cool.
His eyes located mine instantly and I all but skipped the rest of the way up to him.
I'm not cool in the slightest.
Paul came up behind us and Jared glared at him.
"What do you want?" he asked through tight lips.
"A lift, oh loving brother," he drawled, walking over to Jared's car. Jared started to walk after him angrily then, remembering me, grabbed my hand and pulled us after Paul.
Yes, that's right. He held my hand.
I nearly stopped breathing as I stared at his large hand engulfing mine in alarm.
My hand felt on fire.
I liked it.
But they both, as I said, went through massive growth spurts and thus have rather long legs. Which means that normal sized, slightly faster steps for them is running speed for me and my relatively short legs.
"Can't you get one off someone else, Paul?" Jared asked then looked at his friend meaningfully – or 'brother' as Paul referred to him as. I don't know why, they must just have become very close. "Or find another mode of transport?"
"How else? I'm sure you don't expect me to walk all the way home! My poor little legs will be aching all day tomorrow." I almost let out a scoff. Their legs were far from little.
Jared huffed out a breath and glared at Paul, who was apparently having him on or something.
Paul moved towards the front passenger door and Jared lightly pushed him away with his spare hand. His other was still holding mine, his large fingers fitting snugly between the gaps of mine. I hoped to god my hands weren't getting clammy from nervousness.
"No, you're in the back," Jared said and Paul turned to him, mocking the look of being flabbergasted.
"But I always ride shotgun!" he whined.
"No. Kim's riding shotgun. Get in the back or you can walk. And then I'll run you over."
I didn't understand why I had to sit in the front. Maybe he was being gentlemanly. Oh, I hope that was why. That would be so adorable.
"My, my, Jared. Quite a temper you have there. Kim won't want to be getting in the car with someone as violent or aggressive as you," he teased.
Jared's fingers twitched and tightened.
"Get in the car and shut up."
Paul grinned merrily and hopped in the back.
Jared opened the door and turned to me, letting go of my hand. It took me a while to realise he was opening the door for me.
I didn't think teenage guys did that.
It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I didn't know there even were gentlemanly guys around anymore. If the men in my family are anything to go by, then chivalry is most certainly dead.
It took me a while to slap myself out of it before I could thank him and get in.
I really hope Jared doesn't think I'm an idiot.
"I'm dropping you off first," he said to Paul as he climbed in at his side. He seemed to make the distance around the car super quickly. I wish I had long legs.
"But what if Kim lives closer than I do? It would be a waste of time to double back," Paul said and Jared looked in his rear view mirror at him, losing his temper.
"Now, now, Jared. Don't get too angry. Sam wouldn't be happy if you lost it on your first day back."
I frowned at the two of them. What was that supposed to mean? Why would this Sam bloke care? What did he mean by 'lose it'? Did he have anger problems?
They saw my look and shared a glance. Paul shut up.
"Where do you live, Kim?" Jared asked me, his voice softer than when he was talking to Paul. I gave him directions and he shot a triumphant look at Paul.
"See? There. She lives closer to me than you."
Paul shook his head at Jared, smiling.
I just sat there, suddenly very aware of how I was supposed to sit. I didn't really know Jared, and all of a sudden I was in his car. What did I do? I couldn't exactly put my feet up. But I didn't want to sit up, as straight as a lamppost and look like an idiot. I played with my hands in my lap nervously. I was really nervous.
They were acting like this was the most natural thing in the world but it wasn't. I've barely ever spoken to Jared and even less to Paul. And now they were both talking about me like… I don't know. It was weird.
I wanted Jared to hold my hand again.
"Remember, Sam will want to see you after the... events of today," Paul said. I stared at them again. Jared glared at him.
When we arrived at Paul's, he clapped Jared on the shoulder, whispered something in his ear and then left, laughing to himself as he made his way down his drive. He was obviously making fun of me in some way. Jared shook his head as he pulled out.
"Ignore him," he said softly as I stared out the window at the bleak colours of brown and green that seemed to merge together from the rain and the speed we were travelling.
"How did you get detention?" Jared asked after a moments silence. I though it was quite an awkward silence but he didn't seem to be bothered in the slightest.
"Err, I dunno really. I just wasn't paying attention."
He looked over at me and smiled, staring at me curiously.
"I didn't peg you as the rebellious type, Kim."
I snorted and spluttered in a very lady-like fashion. Mmm, very lady-like indeed.
"I'm not. Trust me. I'm far from the rebellious sort."
He continued to keep flickering his eyes between me and the road, smiling.
I racked my brain for something to say. I wanted to learn every little thing about him. I wanted to know everything. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't bombard him with a million and one questions. He was only giving me a lift home anyway. He probably wouldn't even speak to me tomorrow.
The thought made me feel sick.
"So, why were you off for so long? What did you have?" I asked, because ever since thinking of him ill, in pain or unhappy it's been niggling away at my mind.
He kept his eyes on the road and I watched his Adams apple bob up and down. He shifted and his hands gripped at the steering wheel tighter.
"Mono," he whispered.
"Oh, well I'm glad you're okay now. You don't look ill. You look –" I was about to say something like 'fucking beautiful' or 'sexy as hell', but realised that wasn't necessarily the best thing as it could potentially turn this borderline-awkward drive into the most awkward moment of my life. "Okay," I ended up finishing. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and the corner of his mouth tilted upwards.
He knew that wasn't what I was going to say.
"Yeah, I'm… okay," he deliberately accentuated the word, his eyes flittering over to me as he tried to hold down the smirk.
I blushed scarlet.
Why do I have the amazing ability to embarrass myself in every situation?
He muffled his laugh as he stared ahead at the road, a massive smile on his face. His cheeks dimpled and I nearly fell out of the seat again because it was so adorable.
We rode in silence and I continued to shift nervously.
I gave him the last directions to my house but he seemed to have remembered what I'd set at the beginning of the car journey. He was must have a great memory because I know I sure as hell would have forgotten.
We pulled up at my house and I was a bit alarmed when he got out, because I don't know whether he thought he was going to come in, but he just opened the car door for me and walked me to my front door.
The crush I'm harbouring for him doubled at that very moment.
He is so sweet.
Jared stepped close to me, careful to get under the porch and out of the rain.
It was freezing outside but with the warmth radiating off of him, I was fine.
"Thank you for the lift," I said softly, unsure what else to say. He nodded and stepped closer so he was all but towering over me. It wasn't intimidating, though. Not in the slightest.
He gently brushed some raindrops off of my shoulder.
"I guess I won't see you till tomorrow."
I shook my head from side to side and stared up into his beautiful eyes. I wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. The thought of having to go without seeing him for hours and hours until school starts felt like a punch in the gut.
"You'll let me drive you to school tomorrow, won't you?" he asked, brushing my jet-black hair behind my shoulder gently. He did it like he wasn't even paying attention, like he didn't even realise he was going it. I don't even do these small little cute things to my closest friends.
All this touching and intimate gestures was going to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to act normal when he's being so darn sweet?
I nodded because I didn't trust my voice and he smiled.
"Can I have your number?" he asked, still playing with a strand of my hair.
I nearly passed out.
I went out with the girls to see a film in Port Angeles once and Michele got asked by three guys for her number in one night. Guys don't ask for my number.
Jared dropped my hair and looked into my eyes.
"Okay," I whispered.
He smiled again. He seems to do that a lot.
His hands went to his pockets. "Oh shit. I forgot my cell." A worried look crossed his face.
"Do you want me to write it on a piece of paper or something?" I offered, reaching into my bag.
"Yeah," he said, and I awkwardly rummaged around to find a spare piece of paper and a pen. See? Awkward again. I scribbled it down and he took it, holding it securely in his hand as he smiled down at me.
We stood there and stared at each other some more.
"I guess I should probably go," he said.
I nodded sadly and looked down. He hesitated before placing his hand on my arm. I looked up as he bent down and pressed his lips to my cheek.
"Goodbye, Kim," he said, smiled sadly at me and then turned to walk back to his car.
I stared after him, unsure what just happened.
He turned back to me when he got to his car and smiled. I waved and then ran in the house.
I dropped my bag on the floor and then jumped facedown onto the couch and screamed.
Oh my flipping god.
"Get up. I was sitting there," Jason said as he came back through from the kitchen. I didn't move. I couldn't. My brain just kept going over and over what had just happened.
He kissed my freaking cheek.
"I farted on that sofa cushion like two minutes ago."
I picked my face up as fast as I could before I drove my fist into his leg.
"Jason!" I screeched. He pulled a face and then wiggled his butt as he sat back down, a bowl of popcorn in his hands. He shoved a massive handful into his gob, most of it just falling down his front.
"You're such a slob."
Zain came up and started to lick my hand until I gave him enough attention. Zain is my adorable seven-year-old beagle. He's my life.
Jason puffed out the piece of popcorn that he'd just put in his mouth.
It hit me in the face.
It was covered in his salvia.
I screeched again before chucking popcorn at him and then running upstairs, picking up Zain and taking him with me. How is it he can ruin my fantastic mood in just five minutes?
Oh well, I don't care.
Jared kissed me.
And I shall leave you on that delicious, fantastic, shocking, incredible, amazing and delectable fact.
P.S. I got sad thinking about how I wasn't going to see Jared for about sixteen hours, so cheered myself up with some chocolate. The diet will start tomorrow. Oh, and Dan brought up the stuttering incident again.
I just want to thank everyone for reading and for those who have reviewed already, I really appreciate and I hope you all like this chapter :)
To Princess2979, thank you for reading and reviewing :) A few of the other people who replied to the question said that they only ever write date, month and year so I think I'll change it to make it look more realistic. Thanks for responding! :)