A/N: Something I wrote for fun.
Rated because I wanted to rate it this.
Warning: Language, OOC, weird stuff...
"Oh. My. God. It's soo fuckin' hot!"
"Shut up Hidan or else tell me something I don't already know."
"Fuck you bitch! You and your goddamn sixty-five hearts!"
"Shut the hell up!"
Kakuzu lazily picked at his ear. "If you don't put a sock in that gaping hole of yours, we're going to be found out."
Hidan cast him an irritated glance and shifted. "Yeah well, it smells in here."
"Gee I wonder why?" Kakuzu sarcastically said.
"It smells like shit."
Kakuzu couldn't help but roll his eyes. "No Hidan, you dumb bitch, that's just you."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hidan screamed.
Kakuzu grabbed him in a headlock. "Will you pipe down?" he hissed in the immortal's ear. "We don't want to be caught."
"Get your filthy-ass hands off of me motherfucker-"
"What are you guys doing un?"
The two simultaneously jumped.
"Deidara!" Kakuzu loudly whispered. "How did you find us?"
The blonde lifted a brow. "Only large mass of chakra concentrated in the area hmm."
Hidan furtively glanced around. "Shh! Shut your goddamn mouth already!"
Deidara harrumphed. "You're the one talking the most," he said before pointedly squeezing in between the two nins.
Hidan looked appalled. "What the fuck are you doing!"
Deidara scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sorry un. Can I join you?" he dryly asked.
Hidan's eye twitched. "Why you little-"
Kakuzu waved a broad hand at them both. "Quiet! Someone's coming!"
They waited with bated breaths.
"Itachi what the fuck are you looking at hmm?" Deidara covered his crotch with a glare.
"I'm blind Deidara," Itachi calmly said. "And I'm sure that even if I could see, I wouldn't waste my time looking at you."
Deidara gaped. "You- that's not- I-" he threw his arms into the air, effectively smacking both Hidan and Kakuzu in one go. "Screw you un!"
Kakuzu growled, rubbing the bruise on his head. "Kindly shut your mouth before I do it for you."
"Itachi! The hell are you doing!" Hidan yelped.
"Sitting. My feet hurt."
"Well atleast get off my motherfucking hand!"
"That is one nasty hand hmm."
"You shut the fuckerpiss up blonde bitch!"
Kakuzu narrowed his bright eyes. "Silence! Somone is approaching..."
The four huddled silently.
Suddenly they heard Kisame's voice.
"Sasori? What are you doing here?"
"I can see that. Say- do you know where Itachi is? Actually, do you know where everyone else is?"
"No. Nevermind the large amount of chakra coming from over here."
Deidara and Hidan snickered.
"Hey! Did you hear that?"
"Sorry. Today I'm deaf."
Hidan's brow twitched every few seconds. "Will someone please fucking tell me...WHY THE HELL EVERYONE IS IN HERE!"
Kakuzu and Deidara gave him annoyed looks, partially unseen due to the fact that they were being squashed by Kisame, Sasori, and Itachi. Speaking of Sasori...
Deidara kicked the redhead in the back. "Why the hell do you have Hiruko in here if you're not even in it hmm!"
Sasori kicked him back. "Shut up. I feel safer with her around."
"It's a girl?" Kisame asked.
"Yes! She is a girl!"
"I'm getting a headache from all your shouting," Itachi said.
Deidara scoffed. "Then maybe you shouldn't have come in here in the first place."
"I was lonely. And wanted to see your face," he told the blonde with a smile.
A chill rang up Deidara's spine and he quickly scooted as far away as possible.
Which wasn't very far.
"All of your bickering isn't going to keep up hidden," Kakuzu scowled.
"I'll say. We've been here for the last ten minutes and no one's noticed." "Disrespect!"
Everyone inside jumped, muffling each others screams with their hands.
Zetsu cheerfully waved.
"W-When the fuck did you get here!" Hidan shouted.
"I told you we've been here all along," White Zetsu said. "Yeah, don't you listen motherfucker?"
Hidan glared. "Now listen here-"
"No YOU listen here-!"
"Quiet, quiet," Kakuzu knocked them both over the head.
"Sasori-danna," Deidara grit out. "Please put this monstrousity of a puppet away un!"
"Hiruko's not a monster!" Sasori shouted.
"Shut up!" Deidara snapped. "You look like Hiruko-chan the most un!"
"Bi-polar gaki," Kisame said with a twitching smile.
Itachi sighed and closed his eyes. Idiots, idiots, idiots, idiots...
"And what, pray tell, are all of you doing in here?"
The group looked up to see their leader staring at them with a brow raised, Konan at his side.
Kakuzu and Hidan exchanged a glance. "Nothing..."
Pein's brow rose higher, scanning his members. And then he blanched. "Itachi! Where are you looking?" he cried, covering his crotch.
Itachi patiently sighed. "I'm blind Leader-sama."
Pein suspiciously eyed him but relaxed all the same.
"Pein," Konan said. "Tobi is approaching-"
Hidan suddenly spazzed, lunging forward to grab their leader and only woman of the house. "Hurry! Get the fuck inside!"
Pein flailed. "Unhand me you beast of burden-!"
Pein twitched. "Why...am I sitting on Kisame?"
"There was no more room,' Kakuzu told him.
"So hush!" Hidan whispered, eyes glancing around furtively.
Konan stared at them from where she was squished in between Zetsu and Deidara. "Is there a particular reason why we're in-"
"Shhhhh!" The gorup shouted.
Konan's eyebrow quirked. "Don't tell me what to FUCKIN' DO!" she roared.
They all shrunk back as small as possible. Which really wasn't much at all.
"Er- nevermind," Kakuzu carefully said.
Konan huffed, straightening the ends of her hair which had flipped up in her rage. "Well okay then."
"Kami un, that was scary," Deidara whispered to Itachi.
Itachi felt a vein pop. "Deidara, get your hand off my dick."
Deidara leaned back affronted. "That's not my hand!"
Itachi slowly turned his head to the other side, even though he couldn't see. "Whoever is touching me better remove themselves right now-"
"Kisame, hands to yourself," Kakuzu ordered. "Everyone remain calm. Tobi is just around the corner."
"I still don't get why-" Pein was cut off by Hidan's hand.
"Here he comes!"
Tobi danced his way into his personal chambers, stripping off his cloak and tossing off his mask. Even though all of the Akatsuki seemed to be out on missions, he had the entire base to himself that day and could invite all the nice ladies he met at the bar last week.
Boy did he like movie night!
He walked over to the bathroom near his closet, glad Pein had the sense to give him a privatized toilet. Things got messy sometimes...
Humming, he threw open the door and made his way to the toilet for sweet release- only to sense something amiss.
Something like...nine pairs of eyes.
Tobi froze, and slowly pivoted on his heel. He stared and then turned back around.
Tobi whirled around with a mad gleam in his eye, face exposed for all of the Akatsuki to see. "Why are all of you in Tobi's shower?" he wailed, trying to put up his childish act.
"I...win the bet..." Kakuzu listlessly said, too surprised.
Deidara gave him an affronted look. "All this time you guys were hiding in here to make a bet on what was underneath Tobi's stupid mask un?"
Deidara threw his arms up into the air, smacking everyone within range as was his special ability. "That's so STUPID hmm! I had to spend my days of innocence stuck in a shower with all you guys just for that?"
Itachi blinked. "What's going on?" he asked, seeing as he couldn't...see.
Kisame pat him on the back. "You don't wanna know kid."
"I'm not a kid! Mangekyo!"
"AHHH! MY EYES!"
Sasori harrumphed. "Well what did you guys think was beneath that mask? A unicorn or something? Obviously a face."
Kakuzu shook his head. "Yeah, but we wanted to know what kind of face."
Tobi suddenly growled. "WILL YOU ALL STOP TALKING ABOUT ME AS IF I'M NOT EVEN HERE!" he roared.
Hidan gaped, open-mouthed. "Shit! I think you might be more fuckin' handsome than me!"
"Hidan un," Deidara started to say. "Everyone is."
"True, true," Sasori and Kakuzu murmured in agreement.
Tobi smacked a hand to his face. "They're not even listening. Infidle fools..."
"Way to go exposing yourself," White Zetsu said. "OK guys, The jigs up. He's really Uchiha-"
Tobi gave him a fierce glare.
Zetsu stared and then shrugged. "Uchiha Madara."
Itachi's ears perked up. "Madara? Long lost uncle is that you?"
Tobi scowled. "No you fool- I mean- uh- Tobi means-"
Pein and Konan exchanged a glance. "Why don't we just come back at a different time?" Konan said.
"Will do," Pein said back.
They climbed out of the very cramped shower, effectively spilling the rest of the members onto the floor. The two left without so much a second look back, because they knew, as soon as they were alone with the man, they were dead meat.
"Konan, pack the car," Pein ordered as they entered the hallway.
Konan nodded. "Already on it. What about everyone else?"
Pein was deep in thought, almost walking into a wall. "Before Madara kills them all, we'll just bring them with us and open up a restaurant or something."
A/N: The end. Who knows what'll happen with these guys now. :D