Disclaimer: Breakout Kings does not belong to me in any way. Not making any money here.
Ship: Julianne/Lloyd (Sorta, if you squint real hard)
Warnings: Semi-graphic description of rape
Author's Note: I researched S.A.D. but do not suffer from it. If I have captured it wrong or described it wrong, please forgive me
Author's Second Note: Many thanks goes out to my bestie for helping me with the ending of this story and guiding me with the path I should take. And for beta-ing it. It seriously wouldn't have been finished without her.
Summary: Someone from Julianne's past resurfaces and brings her world off its axis.
Julianne Simms was not having a good morning. She had been out the door on time and on the road by seven-fifteen. Usually her drive was ten minutes and she was in the office and settled at her desk by seven-thirty, papers carefully arranged, computer up and running.
Today, on the other hand, part of her route was down to one lane due to surprise construction that forced her to sit in deadlocked traffic for a half hour. She felt her heart began to pound a little faster each time she glanced at the clock and saw that another minute past.
Soon, there was a symphony of car horns blasting and angry yelling all around her as traffic crawled inch by inch. Julianne turned on her CD player and let the sounds of the ocean fill her car. The sound of waves crashing against the shore distracted her from the noise outsideand she felt her heart rate graduallyreturn to a normal rhythm. That was until the car beside her began to lay on its horn on a continuous, grating honk.
She felt an involuntary gasp escape her lips as her heart leapt in her chest. With a frustrated sigh, she turned off soundtrack. Her eyes fell to the time and noted that it was seven forty-five. Shit. She was going to be late. Julianne felt the familiar feeling of panic begin to crawl through her. By the time traffic finally began to move and she arrived at the office, she was miserable. She grabbed her briefcase and tea and hurried inside.
Theteamwas already inside. They all looked at her when she entered the bullpen, relief in their eyes. The attention was overwhelming as five pairs of eyes watched her every move. Instantly she wanted to turn around and run; she would do anything to get the attention deviated off her as soon as possible.
"Jules, where the hell have you been?" Charlie yelled, his eyes held a mix of relief and irritation, "We tried your phone and couldn't reach you, we've been worried sick!"
"I was stuck in traffic," She replied as she moved to her desk, carefully not meeting anyone's eyes, "I don't talk on my phone when I'm driving,"
"We have a new runner, out five hours by now," Charlie continued, "We're behind by not being in the field!"
"Sorry," Her computer was already opened and on. She tried to find a clean surface on her desk amongst the scattered files to set down her hot tea that was starting to scald her fingertips through the Styrofoam. She gave up and set it just behind her laptop.
"Lay off her," Ray hissed at the Marshal.
While the pair argued she put her briefcase down and tried to ignore the oncoming feeling of anxiety and stress. Focus, she thought to herself, Focus on the job and the feeling will go away. But as she looked at her computer screen, to the picture of the perp, her stomach filled with dread and panic. Oh no…no no no no! A sudden quiet fell over the bullpen and she heard a noise that was out of place in the quiet. It was the sound of irregular breathing; ragged and high pitched. She felt an unconscious blush burn her cheeks as she realized that it was her making the noise.
Julianne could feel it starting; a panic attack. She started to feel dizzy and blindly groped the air behind her for a chair. Her hand connected with the arm of the chair and she pulled it up behind her. With her eyes frozen on the computer, she went to sit down, assuming she had moved the chair close enough, but missed the seat. She slipped off the edge and wound up on the floor. Pain radiate through her backside and it furthered her chaotic feelings as embarrassment was added to the mix.
She managed to look away from Rick DiLaurentis' picture as all the memories came flooding back. Julianne was vaguely aware of the sound of a soft click, as the top of her laptop was shut above her. The memories, the pain, the panic, the anxiety weighed down on her and she felt herself losing control. Then the catalyst of emotions erupted with the knowledge that he was out and she had been one of the people that made sure he had been put in jail. She felt like she was going to be sick.
Her eyes frantically searched the area around her, trying to ignore the unintentional audience and clutched her stomach. Suddenly, the small black bin appeared beside her and she hunched over and let everything go. She felt her loose hair was being pulled back away from her face and she was grateful for the action as she heaved; everything she had eaten that morning left her stomach in a painful rush.
Julianne lingered over the bin as her she finished, her body trembling. When she was sure she was done, she pushed it away and felt her hair release from its hold. She glanced up quickly and was surprised to see Lloyd standing above her; he had closed her laptop, found her the garbage can, and held her hair back. As quickly as she had found his eyes, she dropped her gaze, unable to bear the intensity of his stare. Julianne realized that he noticed the connection between her panic attack and its source.
She brought her knees up to her chest and brought her arms around them. She was still struggling to breathe, her lungs feeling like they were doubling the effort to pull in air. It didn't feel like enough oxygen was reaching her lungs and she rested her forehead against her knees, trying to calm herself.
But then Rick's face appeared in her mind, how it had looked when he forced himself inside of her, and she couldn't focus.
"Julianne," She heard Lloyd's voice and it was soft and controlled, "I'm going to touch your hands with my fingers okay?"
She tried to acknowledge his words with a nod. A tremor coursed through her body at the same time, as she remembered what his hands had felt like on her body and the movement just came out as a jerk of her head.
Then she felt his finger tips touch the top of her hand. They were comfortably warm and surprisingly calloused. She fought to focus on the feeling of his fingers on her skin as memories of Rich threatened to take over.
"I'm going to rub your back in circles, squeeze my fingers if that's okay,"
She reached out, captured his fingers with hers, and gave them a squeeze. His hand slipped away and she felt him move. She jumped slightly when she heard his voice behind her.
"I'm going to lay my hands on you now," He informed her as she felt his hand rest on her shoulders, "I'm going to start rubbing your back, okay?"
She nodded, feeling a bit more grounded under his gentle touch. Julianne squeezed her eyes shut as he began to rub her back in circles and turned all her attention on the fact that they would occasionally change their shape from large to small and back again. She was brought out of her head again as she realized he had began talking. No, not talking. He was humming; a soft melody that was somewhat in tune and sounded vaguely like a song she had heard in her childhood.
Minutes passed and Julianne could feel her muscles beginning to relax. Her breathing started to even out, and felt her heartbeat slowing down to a normal pace. It was working. After all these years, where her medicine failed her time and again, she finally found something calm her down gradually, naturally. And it was Lloyd Lowery, a Con that was serving a twenty-five year sentence for God knows what; even she hadn't been able to find that out in his file. She found herself smiling into her knees at the absurdity of the situation.
Julianne lifted her head and turned her head around to look at him. Lloyd's expression was serious and his blue eyes flickered with concern. She gave him a small smile.
"Thank you," She murmured
"You're welcome," He gave her a little smile and she could see the happiness in his eyes and the pride in his smile.
His hands fell away from her and he got to his feet, offering her his hands as he stood. She stood them and he let her pull herself up instead of pulling her up and she was grateful for his understanding. Julianne moved away from him and her legs wobbled beneath her, her body weak from exertion. He moved her chair around and she sank into it. She couldn't look at anyone just yet, so she took the time to notice how big a mess her desk was. Had they really felt the need to scatter paper everywhere? She knew that she always had her papers all around her but they were organized and she knew where everything was; this was just chaos.
"Do either of you want to tell us what just happened?" Charlie's voice was controlled, careful.
"Don't listen to him, Jules," Ray added almost immediately, "It's none of his damn business,"
"Julianne had a panic attack," Lloyd said, dancing around the truth. He knew the medical reason why she had one and understood her disorders. Something about the runner had triggered it and he had an idea of why, but kept it to himself out of respect for her. Plus if he was wrong, she'd probably never talk to him again and that was the last thing he wanted.
"Obviously," Shea said with an eye roll
"I have Social Anxiety Disorder," Julianne admitted, "And suffer from panic attacks," She cleared her throat before adding on, "and depression,"
"There's more to it than that Jules," Ray knew her better than that
She shook her head, "No, nothing more than that. Panic attack due to stress and Charlie's yelling, that's all," She plastered a smile on her face, hoping it would convince him that she was telling the truth.
Thankfully, it did, because he relented with a nod. She felt relief wash through her when the group began to gather their coats.
"Not you, Lowery," Ray barked as he zipped up his leather jacket, "You stay here with Jules, make sure she's okay,"
"Roger that," The genius replied, shrugging off his coat and hanging over the back of a chair
They headed out, shutting the heavy metal lift door behind them. Lloyd leaned against the side of Julianne's desk. She looked up at him, her eyes guarded.
"You may be able to fool Ray with those big, beautiful doe eyes of yours but you can't fool me, Jules,"
Tear stung her eyes and she drew in a ragged breath. Lloyd looked at her brown orbs, glittering with unshed tears, and felt a small pang of guilt for pressuring her. She drew in a long breath and blinked her tears away. She gave him a forced smile.
"It's nothing," She said with a nod, "I'm fine,"
"Look, I know that that's just a big fat lie and you can say you're fine until the cows come home, but it will always be a lie," Lloyd sighed as she shot him a withering glance, "Jules, just know, if you ever you need to talk, I'm here..."
Her glare wilted, losing its severity. He saw a deep sadness in her eyes before they became guarded once more.
"Seriously," He continued, "Any time, any place, you know where to find me,"
"Thank you, Lloyd." She replied with a weak smile, "I'll keep that in mind,"
His hands were on her, incessant as she struggled to fend him off. Why was he doing this? He was her friend! Her best friend! They had been practically raised together for God's sake! His hands ventured under her shirt, grabbing her breast and squeezed hard. She yelp in pain and clawed at his face, his eyes in an attempt to get him off. But he was too strong…
"Noooo," Julianne moaned in her sleep as she tossed and turned against the mattress, "Please…"
Her clothes were being ripped off, destroyed in his haste to get them off. Tears fell from her eyes but she didn't stop struggling, trying time and again to get to the pressure points of his body in order to hit a nerve and make him stop.
"Rick! Stop! Please! Don't do this!"
He laughed and it made her want to vomit. "You know you want this, Julie,"
"No, I don't!" She shoved him hard and put everything he had into it.
Relief slammed through her as he fell off her and she bolted to her dorm room door.
"SOMEBODY!" She screamed as she flung the door open, "SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
Rick grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her back into the room, sending her crashing to the floor. Pain radiated through her as her head connected with the corner of her dresser. He shut the door quickly and locked it behind me. He turned on her stereo and cranked up the volume.
He got on top of her, pinning down her arms and legs in a bruising grip. The boy she thought she knew smiled down at her and she saw nothing familiar in his smile. Rick dropped his head to her ear.
"No one will be able to hear you now," He murmured as he fumbled with his jeans and pulled himself out of his fly.
"NO!" She sobbed, "PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!"
"Shh, Julianne, I'll make you feel good," He replied and shoved himself inside of her in a hard, brutal thrust.
She woke up screaming, covered in a cold sweat. Her body broke out in shivers as she bolted upright. Julianne fought to control her breathing, hearing her harsh breaths expel from her lungs as it resonated in her room. She found herself thankful that her mother, when she had designed the basement apartment, had invested in soundproofing for privacy. When her breathing returned to normal, she lay back down and tried to block out thoughts of her dream, the memory of the night her life changed forever. She closed her eyes and forced herself to think of other things and was surprised to find herself focusing on Lloyd.
"Seriously," He had said, "Any time, any place, you know where to find me,"
A little smile flitted across her lips and she let his kind words lull her back to a dreamless sleep.
Lloyd lay in his bunk, staring up at the ceiling. He liked that here, in Maybelle, if he wanted to enjoy the quiet of his bunk, he could. He spent most of the morning thinking about Julianne and how badly he wished she would let him in. He could help her; he noticed already the small changes that had occurred since he gave her some advice. It filled him with pride that she took his advice and was helping herself to master her disorders. Now he just hoped whatever affected her yesterday wouldn't bring her spiraling back to where she started.
"Yo, Lowery," The morning shift guard, Bobby, interrupt his thoughts, "You have a visitor."
His heart leapt in his chest as he got out of his bed. A visitor? This was new. In all his years he had spent in prison on his term so far, he had never had a visitor. Maybe it was his mother…No; she wouldn't dare step foot in a place like this. It could be Ray or Charlie; another case needing to be solved was always probable.
Lloyd followed Bobby to the visitors "lounge" and was rooted to the doorway in shock. At a table in the corner, her hair down and loose around her shoulders, sat Julianne. She saw him and he noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the tired look in her eyes. She offered him a small smile and his heart hammered in his chest. She never looked more beautiful.
She rose to her feet as he crossed the room to her.
"What are you doing here?" He blurted out, in lieu of hello, before he could stop himself
Julianne dropped her gaze and tugged nervously at the pink scarf that was wrapped around her neck. "You said if I ever needed to talk?"
"I did," He said with a slow nod. Her eyes lifted to his and he gestured for her to sit.
She sat down in the blue plastic chair and he followed suit. They sat in quiet for a while as Lloyd watched her attempt to compose herself.
"I don't even think I should be doing this," She murmured
"Jules, let me do something good in my life," He replied quietly, "Let me help you,"
Tears pooled in her eyes and trailed down her cheeks as she drew in a deep breath. "Okay," She whispered and he settled back in to the seat as she began to tell her story.