Make A Wish
Here's the thing they don't tell you in movies. Before the end, where everyone is smiling and laughing, they're must come a time of healing. A time of awkward moments and tearful goodbyes. Things don't just bounce back to normal.
Maybe I expected that. Maybe I just wanted it really bad. Safe to say, things didn't happen that way.
Tanya and I didn't go back to our easy friendship. In fact we didn't for a really long time. It was weird not having her around.
But the wounds were still too sore to even be around each other.
We smiled when we passed each other, but we didn't make plans to hang out. I didn't call her late at night. She didn't send me random texts throughout the day. Rose and Alice tried to support us. They really did, but the crack was already there. Rose began to hang out with Tanya and Alice was with me.
Our happy little clique was broken.
Edward was another situation all together.
Tanya and I may not have been talking, but even I knew that continuing our relationship would have been downright slimy. I knew she essentially gave us permission, but I also knew her well enough to know that this would eat her alive.
I settled things right away.
The Tuesday after my disastrous birthday, he met up with me at my locker like he had done so many times before but this time everything was different.
"Hey," he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck in a nervous habit.
"Uh, hey," I mumbled back. Articulate I was not.
"Friends?" he asked, raising his brows in an innocent gesture. I smiled because it was so like him. Unfortunately Tanya chose that moment to walk past us. This was already breaking the norm. She immediately looked down, letting her blonde curls cover her face as she tried to scurry past us as fast as she could. It broke my heart to see her run away.
I knew then that if I ever wanted to save our friendship, I had to do it.
"I…no," I whispered, slowly closing my locker and turning to face him. His eyes widened in confusion and maybe just a little bit of hurt.
"Edward, Tanya was my friend first. Things aren't exactly peachy with us right now, but if I want to savage the mess of things, I can't be…anything with you," I said, swallowing hard as the words tasted like bile.
He let out a breath and leaned against his locker.
"This doesn't seem fair."
I knew that. I was trading one friend for another. Edward was my friend. I would miss him terribly.
But I had made a mess of things and it was time I cleaned them up.
"I know. I'm so sorry," I whispered.
"Hey, don't do that," he muttered, grasping my cheek in his hand and making me look at him. "I understand. Even if I hate how things turned out, I understand."
I smiled because he always seemed to. I nodded adjusted my book bag and walked away from him. It wasn't easy. It was extremely hard.
I had to find a new partner in all of our shared classes and I had to ignore him. I missed our friendship and there were times when I believed he missed me just as much, but we moved on. He was always very popular and though I avoided him at every cost, I did manage to see him around with friends. I even saw him with a few girls and though it cut me to the core, I knew it was just the process of letting him go.
Tanya and I began to reconnect. I don't even remember how we started or who reached out first, but I don't think that was really important.
Our friendship would never be the same. I knew that. I still know that, but it's okay. We had a stronger relationship out of the ashes and somehow I survived my sophomore year. Even if it felt like I wouldn't.
It was the end of sophomore year, a surprisingly warm day in May, which found us hanging our feet over the cliffs in La Push.
We sit in silence for a while, listening to waves crash against the rocks and allowing the wind to whip our hair. The first scents of summer hitting our noses and the late sun casting a glow along the water. When we were younger we would always come and watch the older boys cliff dive, secretly rating them.
"My dad got a job offer in Oregon," Tanya says after a while. My head snaps in her direction.
"What?" because deep in my mind I know this means more than the simple phrase she offered. She doesn't look at me. She keeps her eyes forward, watching seagulls fly across the pinking sky.
"Says it's good for us. Better money, better hours. It's been in the process for a while," she says, her face stoic.
"I don't get it…are you moving?" I ask because it becomes apparent she is not going to release the information outright.
"Yeah. It's about a five hour drive from here. I'd still be close," she says, shrugging, trying to play it off but I know better. I can feel my stomach tighten at the news and my eyes prick. I stare off in the distance.
I don't know what to say. I don't know if the news had really settled,
"Five hours," she repeats, but makes it sound so final.
"Why are you telling me this now?" I ask, feeling like the air has been knocked out of me. I don't think I know how to get along without Tanya. We've been together since we were little. I'm not sure how I feel about knowing I couldn't just pop into visit her. I can't imagine going to prom, graduating, going to football games without her by my side. The ache in my chest starts to form and I can almost feel the tears burn my nostrils and sting my eyes.
"I just… we we're trying to repair everything. I didn't want this hanging over us, making us feel pressured. It wasn't important then."
"Of course it was," I say, feeling the tears slide down my cheek.
We stop. We laugh. We stare away from each other. I let her go first, trying to compose myself.
"Bella, I just want you to know that… I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for things to go the way they did. I know we can survive this, because hell if we can survive last year, this will be like easier than breathing," she says and I could hear the pinch in her voice. The one she gets before she loses it all.
"I can't imagine high school without you. Or life for that matter," I say.
"I'll still be in your life. Who knows this could be exactly what we need."
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that shit."
She barks out a laugh and sniffs, wiping the tears that escaped my notice. Mine flow freely now.
"Yeah, all that shit."
"Things won't be the same."
She looks at me, her clear blue eyes glistening with tears and I can see the sadness there.
"Things haven't been the same."
I don't know what to say to this either, because she's right. They haven't.
"This won't break us," I mumble. She smiles and throws her arms around me.
"Think about the good things that can come of this," she says, pulling away and resting her head on my shoulder. I laugh bitterly for a moment.
"What's good about this?"
"Well, maybe you and Edward can start something."
"Tanya—" I start but she doesn't let me finish.
"No, Bells. I need to say how grateful I am that you didn't start anything. I know how hard that must have been and you have no idea what it means to me that you put our friendship first. Leaving is good. Leaving means I can give you the chance you deserve, without having to bear witness to it."
"Honestly, Tanya, it's not like that anymore. Edward and I aren't even friends. I can't imagine him still having feelings for me. Besides last I heard, he went on a date with—"
"He'd be a fool to not wait for you and Edward, my love, is no fool," she says with a grin.
Before I can respond, her phone beeps loudly.
She checks it and smiles.
"I have to go."
I start to get up, but she places a hand on my shoulder and shakes her head.
"But you're my ride," I say, thoroughly confused.
"Yeah, but I gotcha a new one. Kinda like the upside of me leaving," she says and wipes her ass of the dirt.
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
"I've arranged for another ride. Ciao," she giggles, running through the man made trail and disappearing through the trees.
What the actual fuck?
I sit there, confused and a bit worried. Arranged another ride? What the hell does that mean?
Deciding I was too lazy to get up, I turn back toward the cliffs edge and stare at the water, feeling the droplets of waves that crash against the rocks beneath me.
"Hey," a deep familiar voice calls and I turn toward the path because that voice is way too familiar. I'm stunned as Edward makes his way out of the trail.
"H-hey," I stutter. Articulate I am not.
He comes and sits next to me, his jean clad legs swinging over the edge and barely brushing mine.
I really have no idea what to say to him. Do I tell him I miss him?
'Hey Edward now that your ex is out of the picture…wanna be my boyfriend?'
Who says things like that? Unless, of course, you're supposed to say something like that. In which case I was not informed of this. I mean I've never been put in a situation like this and in the movies their conversation is perfectly scripted and witty.
Where the hell was my clever writer and why was there not a script for life?
They're should be.
"Bella!" Edward says sharply pulling me out of my internal panic attack. I blink and stare at his face, because fuck how could it be possible that he's only gotten more gorgeous. He chuckles and a weird tingling sensation begins in the pit of my stomach.
"Bella! Stop thinking too much," he says and I snort.
Yeah, easier said than done.
Except that once again Edward proves me wrong, by grasping my chin and firmly pressing his lips against my mouth. And all my thoughts seem to leave my mind as I embrace his heated mouth on mine, moving slowly along my lips.
We would figure things out later, but at that moment I wanted to do nothing more than kiss him.
And I did. For several hours.
I've learned a lot through the years and I've been taught a lot of lessons.
On my 17th birthday, I learned what it was to love someone with all your heart.
On my 18th birthday, I learned what it was to love with your body.
On my 20th birthday, I experienced the panic of my first pregnancy scare. A scare so real and so sickening, it caused me to experience my first break up. It was my freshman year of college and I had already started having doubts about Edward. It wasn't a pretty break up and the split was hard on both of us.
Five days after my 22nd birthday, I was a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding. I'd never seen her look so beautiful and happy. She was young, maybe too young, but she was full of confidence and love. I cried because she was right about everything. We survived through separation and betrayal and our friendship could only grow. She also gave me the strength and courage to admit that I was scared about my feelings toward Edward.
On my 24th birthday, Edward proposed. I cried as he knelt down in front of me because I was almost positive that day would never come. Though he'd deny it to the end, I know he cried when I said yes.
But I don't think anything could compare to my 16th birthday and the aftermath that followed. I learned about love. I learned about friendship. I survived boys.
I cried my heart out and experienced my first kiss. I wouldn't change anything for the life of me. I think everything happened so I could learn all those things.
But if I had to sum it up, I would simply say:
Be careful what you wish for.