BATMAN PROTOCOLS

By Adrian Tullberg.

The current JLA thread ... as well as sparking controversy ... is giving me a lot of ideas. Here's just a few.

***

BATCOMPUTER ON-LINE...

OPEN FILE 'SANCTIONS'

ALFRED; IF A BALD MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR ASKS ABOUT THESE DOCUMENTS, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS AND DENY EVERYTHING.

These sanctions are only to be used when other methods of persuading, or actively subduing a hero that has gone 'rogue' (mind controlled, brainwashed, starting to resemble characters in Marvel or Image) have failed. Or they fail to comprehend that I, Batman, am the baddest of the bad. Grr.


+++


Subject; Aquaman

Sanction: Plant rumour that costal 'Seaworld' has been altering hormone levels of dolphins and larger marine life to improve birth-in-captivity rates, to the effect that all females are constantly 'on heat'.

Tip off police.

Cost of lawyer and posting bail for gross deviancy charges: $10,000 minimum.

Knowing that fishboy will be eternally grateful for getting him out of jail while never knowing I sent him up the river: Priceless.

+++

Subject; Blue Beetle

Sanction; State inverse ratio between time spent building /repairing gadgets and social life.

Time before Subject descends into alcoholic binge: Two minutes.

+++

Subject; Booster Gold

Sanction: Drop money clip in front of him.

Wait until he bends down to retrieve.

Hit subject repeatedly with crowbar.

In case of unlikely event that somebody presses charges, or remotely cares, put Johnny Cochrane on retainer.

+++

Subject; Captain Marvel

Sanction: Give Subject latest set of Pokemons.

Wait two hours before he realises how pathetic a grown man looks playing pokemon and changes into kid.

Run up and beat the snot out of the little brat before he can say his magic word.

Retrieve Pokemons (hey, those things cost money.)

+++

Subject; Flash

Sanction: Spread rumour that 'Fastest Man Alive' title does not infer to his running speed, in conjunction with the amount of time his wife spends in women-only gym.

Time spent running around trying desperately to disprove rumours: Week and a half.

+++

Subject; Green Lantern

Sanction: Anonymously mail 'Best of Jenna Jameson' collection.

Duration of Effectiveness: Two weeks.

+++

Subject; Impulse

Sanction: Lure Subject to round room

Tell him to stand in the corner.

Time before Subject's head explodes: 000.17 seconds.

+++

Subject; Orion

Sanction: State that a real warrior would try and hold his breath as long as possible in vacuum.

When Subject exits airlock, don't let him in again.

+++

Subject; Plastic Man

Sanction: Retrieve contact details of the following -

-Big Barda

-Huntress

-Supergirl

-Troia

-Wonder Woman

Inform that subject has been impersonating select items of their swimwear collection

Sell tickets, buy popcorn.

+++

Subject; Steel

Sanction: State to his face that the popular rumour about black men is a total lie.

Subject, thus angered, will remove pants for comparison.

When exposed, kick Subject in the groin.

+++

Subject; Superman

Sanction: Plant doctored article of high rates of infidelity by married professional men, with empathis on those who travel near-constantly, on desk of one Lois Lane.

Length of time Subject will be virtually confined in apartment: Two weeks

+++

Subject; Wonder Woman

Sanction: See 'Green Lantern'. Also add 'Where the Boy's Aren't' and 'Ginger Lynn'.

Duration of Effectiveness: Three and a half weeks.

+++

Addendum by Alfred Pennyworth

I feel it only fair to add this section to the documents ... as well as the fact that Master Bruce hasn't given me a raise since 1991.

Subject; Batman

Sanction: State that even though Subject is reasonably good-looking, and has a personal fortune that would make Andrew Llyold Webber attractive, it's rather odd that he's still a virgin at 37.

Time before Subject runs away blubbering: 2.5 seconds.

***

Please send any and all feedback to atullberg@my-deja.com