Hey guys... sorry if you thought this was an update, and I really hate to do it this way, but I owe you all an explanation, I feel...
I'm very sorry I dropped off the face of the planet for the last year. But in my own defense, it was not the best year of my life. Issues arose in Savannah that caused us to have to make the move back to Atlanta, so there was a big thing about that... I don't even want to get into what happened with the living arrangements once we were back, and all the drama and BS that ensued.
The biggest thing that happened over the last year was that in April, my mother was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. It had engulfed her pancreas completely, and had grown to her liver. Despite the estimate of four months to a year on her lifespan, she decided to try and fight it anyway, and underwent invitro chemotherapy treatments that ultimately made her even more sick than she was. The first time she went into the hospital for the side effects of the chemo was the Tuesday before Mother's Day here in the States, and I prayed that she would be out that Sunday for plans that I had made, but no... I spent Saturday night and all day and night Sunday there with her, watching Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters on my phone, half lying in a hospital bed with her.
She was in and out for several weeks, before the doctors placed her on hospice care, and she was brought home. She hung in there, she was stubborn only for us kids, me and my sister and brothers. I was terrified, and was dumb enough to let her know, and she struggled that much harder, suffered that much longer, just to be with us as long as she possibly could.
I was with her the day before she passed. It was a Saturday, and I had to work that night, but had driven up to her apartment anyway, just because I had a spare few hours before I was due in, and I sat with her for several hours that afternoon. She was almost completely unresponsive, so I didn't speak, just sat there for hours with her holding her hand, and taking in every feature of her hands and face that I could, seeing past her yellow complexion to my mommy beneath it. A friend of mine at work at had told me that when her mother was passing in the same manner as mine, she told her it was okay, that she didn't have to worry about her anymore, that she needed to go home... and I had kept that in my head for two weeks before that day beside her bed, holding her hand for what would be the last time.
That day, I leant close to her ear so that her husband would not hear and I said to her, "Mommy... we're okay. It's okay for you to go now, you've got other things to do... you've been brave, but MawMaw, PawPaw, and Aunt Becca are all waiting for you to throw you a party... you can go home, Mama."
I kissed her cheek, told her I loved her, and tried to stand to go before I lost my composure, but when I went to pull my hand free, she flexed her hand on mine, a silent request I not go, so I sat back down and dissolved into helpless sobs again... I tried not to do that in front of her, but if she didn't want me to go, I couldn't help it...
I wasn't late to work that night, and I fought through a busy, ugly shift with everything on my mind, and got off the next moring to get my paycheck and tell the boss I was headed up to my mom's after a nap.
I went to the grocery store with my best friend, and on the way home, my cell went off and I saw my mother's baby sister's name on my screen. I knew it had happened. I knew, and I didn't want to answer, so I sent her to voicemail. Then my stepfather's name popped up right behind it, and I ignored him, as well. Then he called my best friend. She answered, glanced at me, and said nothing but "yes", "okay", "uh huh", and "bye". When she hung up, I looked at her, my heart in my stomach, churning and making me sick.
"It happened, didn't it?" I asked.
"I need to you focus, man, you're driving... please just wait..." But she knew I knew.
That was July first.
I haven't been quite right since, and it all still feels surreal. So, please forgive me for leaving La Lune Bleu and Hide and Seek hanging, I'm not done... I'm just... crazy lol
I've been working on a Bellice OS the past few days, and it's almost done, if you're interested.
I'm doing better, so just give me time. I really apprecite the PMs and the reviews in my abscence, even if I didn't write back, you now know why.
With my amazing girlfriend, and my circle of loving friends showing such support and love, I am healing. And really, I guess that's what counts. Right?