Author's Note: I can't sleep well tonight, so I just decided to ramble about an idea that popped into my head. Cut me some slack, it's 4:00 in the morning and I have to get up for school in 2 hours, so forgive me if this story is a little suckish. I really just needed something to do while my insomnia was visiting. But review, because it makes me feel better, and if enough people like this idea, I may rewrite it and make it better. This story is supposed to be like the anime – overly dramatic and quirky, so don't take it like it's supposed to be serious like my other works. It's just supposed to be funny, so I hope you get a laugh or two, or even just a smile. And I didn't use the whole song, just snippets – you'll see why that is if you read. Anyways, I'm ranting. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own the song by Annie Oakley and Frank Butler or OHSHC.
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better!
"Well, Princesses, you should hear about the time Kaoru was too scared to go down the slide," Hikaru laughed from across the round table. Four girls all dressed in the same yellow-dress uniforms sat on the opposite side, anxiously awaiting the elder twin to continue his story. After taking a sip of tea from an elegant porcelain cup, Hikaru continued, "When we were younger, our parents took us to a playground. Now, Kaoru is afraid of heights, so I knew he wouldn't like the 'big-boy slide'. But of course he just had to follow me, and after I slid down, Kaoru was stuck at the top. I told him to slide down but he wouldn't. And I told him to climb back down the ladder and he wouldn't even do that. He just sat up there, clutching the railings and wailing about how scared he was and how he was gonna be stuck up there forever-"
"Hikaru!" The younger twin interjected with false embarrassment, causing the attention of the ladies to shift. "Why are you making fun of my fears like that?" Kaoru whimpered as he looked down to his lap, his eyes glistening with the pseudo-sadness of fake tears. Seeing his younger half on the verge of tears – and following their script – Hikaru snatched up his brother's hands and pulled him close.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru," Hikaru whispered, the four girls intently watching the twin's not-so-private moment, "I just remember how adorable and helpless you were; even back then I had the overpowering sense to protect you no matter what. And seeing you stuck on the slide so far away made me realize just how much you really meant to me." Hikaru finished by pulling Kaoru even closer and pressing his lips to his twin's fingertips.
As predicted, all four girls squealed in delight at the display of emotion, their faces tinted the same colour as a tomato.
Both orange-haired twins were smiling deviously on the inside. How easy it was to please these women – all girls were so easy.
Although, Kaoru did feel a little embarrassed at his brother's teasing. Why did he have to pick that story to tell? He really was frightened that day, so it did hurt his feelings a little to be mad fun of. Even though he was sure the girls didn't take it to heart, Kaoru felt like he needed a tiny bit of revenge. "Well, Hikaru," Kaoru started off low, matching Hikaru's tone before, "You were pretty cute, too, that day. I remember how much you were crying and begging when I was spinning the merry-go-round too fast. You were just as scared as I was on the slide."
At this, Hikaru's eyes snapped open and peered up at Kaoru. Hikaru wasn't expecting his brother to come back with a statement like that – much less try and make him out to be a baby, as well. Hikaru sat straight up and met Kaoru's gaze; eye's locking as if they had spotted someone intruding on their territory.
"Well, Kaoru," Hikaru smiled nonchalantly, "At least I can actually play on the playground – you're too scared to do most things."
Kaoru pouted slightly at this. "I can too, Hikaru! I can swing higher than you on the swing-set!"
"I can run faster than you in gym class!" Hikaru retorted.
"I can jump higher than you!"
"I can read quicker!"
"I can swim better!"
"Anything you can do, I can do better," Kaoru grimaced and crossed his arms.
"Ha!" was all Hikaru answered with, flicking his head to the side in mock.
"I can do anything better than you," Kaoru continued.
"No you can't." Hikaru objected.
"Yes I can," Kaoru said with absolute certainty.
"No, you can't."
"Yes, I can."
"No, you can't."
"Yes, I can – Yes I can!" Kaoru repeated, almost shouting his point. The four girls seated at the opposite side of the table watched in delight at the twin's dispute, their eyes shifting from side to side, like watching the ball bounce between two tennis players.
Hikaru then stood from his seat at the table, placed his fists on his hips, and bent towards his doppelganger. "Anything you can be, I can be greater – sooner or later," he then jabbed a thumb at himself, "I'm greater than you." Hikaru ended his statement by pointing a finger at Kaoru.
"No, you're not," Kaoru smiled as if Hikaru was telling a joke.
"Yes, I am," Hikaru repeated and stood straight up again.
"No, you're not," Kaoru repeated, shaking his head.
"Yes, I am." Hikaru grinned, happy to see he was getting on his brother's nerves.
"No, you're not!" Kaoru barked as he stood from his chair and slammed his hands on the wooden table in front of him.
Hikaru spun so his back was facing his twin and cheered with a big smile, "Yes I am – Yes I am!"
"Is there a problem here?" a voice cut in, putting the twin's argument on hold. Both Kaoru and Hikaru, along with the four girls, looked over to the source of the voice to find Tamaki-senpai standing a few feet away with a puzzled expression.
After a quick scan of the room, both twins found that not only were the other clients watching them, but the Hosts, too.
Hikaru and Kaoru both put hands to the backs of their heads and rubbed. Kaoru walked over to stand next to his twin as they both spoke, "Sorry, Milord. No trouble here." They both felt kind of embarrassed about disrupting the whole room.
"Were you two arguing?" Tamaki asked.
"Not at all, Milord," Kaoru answered.
"Yeah," Hikaru explained with a grin, "I was just trying to make Kaoru understand that under no circumstances will he ever be better than me." That statement caused Kaoru's face to change from an embarrassed grin to a preposterous gape; mouth hung open in astonishment, eyebrows scrunched down, and eyes that looked very similar to Tamaki-senpai's teddy bear. Hikaru never was able to back down from a fight easily. His emotions always got the better of him, even if it was time to call it quits.
"And I was just trying to enlighten Hikaru to the fact that, the more he talks, the more he looks like an idiot," Kaoru countered. Now it was Hikaru's turn to change his expression to one of disbelief, matching Kaoru's flawlessly.
Both twins slowly turned their heads towards one another, staring the other down with a poker face. It didn't matter if the four girls the twins were supposed to be entertaining were paying attention anymore – it seemed like every girl in the room had become one of the twin's clients, seeing as their attention was glued to them.
"I learned how to ride a bike first," Hikaru spoke up.
"Yeah, but I got my training wheels taken off first," Kaoru replied instantly, their faces never breaking from their non-emotional complexions.
"I take less time to get ready in the morning," Hikaru crossed his arms.
"Yeah, but I look better," Kaoru responded, crossing his arms, as well. Hikaru just raised an eyebrow at that.
"Kaoru, we look exactly the same."
"And yet I still look better," Kaoru smirked.
"Anything you can wear, I can wear better," Hikaru scowled at Kaoru and motioned to their school uniforms, "In what you'd wear, I'd look better than you."
"In my coat?" Kaoru interrogated angrily. He then stripped himself of his blue Ouran High school jacket and tossed it to his brother, challenging him further. Hikaru just threw the fabric to the floor and stripped himself of his blue jacket as well.
"In your vest," He countered, dropping his coat on top of his brother's.
"In my shoes?" Kaoru slipped out of his black shoes, Hikaru following suit.
"In your hat!" Hikaru shouted, both twins revealing their green hats that usually played a part in their special game from behind their backs and dropping them to the floor as well.
"No, you can't! Kaoru shouted back.
"Yes I can, yes I can!" Hikaru stomped his now socked foot.
The room erupted in a chaotic whirlwind of shrieks, squeals, and cries as girl after girl exploded in excitement at the twin's stripping of clothing.
"Kaoru, Hikaru, please calm down," Tamaki-senpai tried to intervene.
But one fiery hot glance from both of the twins, along with a very intimidating, "Beat it," Tamaki was forced to jump behind Kyouya-senpai for protection.
"Mommy! The twins are fighting!" He shrieked.
"Yes, I see that, Daddy." Kyouya responded while writing in his notebook.
"Well, aren't you going to do something?"
"Why should I? Kaoru and Hikaru might've just set the record for 'most clients', which will do great for profits. Would it really be that bad to let them continue on for a little longer?"
"Hika-chan, Kao-chan!" Honey-senpai spoke up, "Everyone's best at something, but no one's best at everything. So I demand you two make up right now over this piece of chocolate cake!" Honey-senpai dramatically shoved a plate in front of the twins, a single slice of a chocolate mousse cake resting in the center of it. The massive group of young girls surrounding the twins, and now Honey-senpai, watched closely, not wanting to miss a moment of anything.
Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged glances for a moment before Kaoru spoke, "I'm gonna eat it all and leave none for you!"
"Not if I eat it first!" Hikaru countered. The two then pushed and shoved and pulled on one another, trying to get to the plate first. Honey-senpai, seeing the twins struggling to make it to him first, began shirking away – even though he could take the twins with no problem, Honey didn't like the idea of having to fight them.
But suddenly, Mori-senpai appeared in the center of the circle out of nowhere and grasped the back of the twin's white shirts and raised them off their feet. Although they were in midair, Hikaru and Kaoru continued to kick and flail, trying to attack the other.
Haruhi walked up to the two and shouted, "That's enough," loud enough to startle the brothers. Hikaru and Kaoru stopped; one of Kaoru's hands fisted in Hikaru's hair, and Hikaru's mouth clamped tightly onto one of Kaoru's arms.
"No," Kaoru spoke first, "I'm sick of Hikaru treating me like a baby all the time. It's embarrassing!"
Hikaru detached his mouth from his brother's arm and spoke, "I only do it because I care about you! I was born first, so that automatically means I have to watch out for you!" Hikaru's voice became softer as his next words left his mouth, "If anything ever happened to you Kaoru, I'd never be able to forgive myself." After Hikaru's confession, he let his body drupe completely in Mori's grasp.
Mori-senpai sure was strong.
"Hikaru…" Kaoru trailed off, looking to his brother in a softer way than before. Mori-senpai, sensing the two were no longer going to fight, set them down on their feet. The circle of girls blushed at such touching words of Brotherly Love, never taking their eyes from the pair of orange-haired twins.
Kaoru took Hikaru's face in his hands, forcing him to look directly into his eyes. "Hikaru, I know how you feel, because I always want to protect you, too. But I know you're not going to break if you do something a little out of the ordinary sometimes, just like I won't, either."
Hikaru let these words sink in a bit, staying quiet for a few moments before answering, "Promise?"
"I promise," Kaoru smiled and embraced his brother around his torso, Hikaru immediately encircling his arms around his little brother's neck.
"And thus, a happy ending has indeed been bestowed upon our worthy eyes," Renge suddenly appeared and voiced into her microphone over the cheering crowd of swooning girls, "Order has been restored, and the Host Club can continue on as it normally should!"
"I'm sorry, ladies," Kyouya-senpai spoke up, making everyone's good time come to a screeching halt, "but it seems that Host Club has been concluded for today. Please, be sure to visit us again tomorrow." He finished with a smile.
All of the women disappointedly stalked from Music Room #3, hoping that tomorrow would come quickly.
It wasn't until the last client left that Hikaru and Kaoru finally broke apart. They held each other at arm's length for a moment before detaching all together.
"Well that was quite the display," Kyouya-senpai said as the twins made their way over to their discarded clothes and shoes.
"Yeah, you two sure know how to reel in the clients. You're getting good at this," Tamaki complimented.
They thought their fight was an act. Which wasn't surprising, seeing as their last fight was nothing more than a hoax to get Haruhi to allow the twins over to her house. The twins just let it go, though. No use in explaining to people who wouldn't understand them.
"Yeah, it was good, wasn't it?" Hikaru smiled at Kaoru as they slipped on their shoes.
"We certainly are geniuses," Kaoru laughed as they threw on their blue jackets and buttoned them up.
"Oh geez, just what you two need, an ego boost," Haruhi sighed. "I'm going home." Haruhi then lazily slid out the huge double-doors and into the hallways.
Kaoru and Hikaru grabbed their backpacks and headed towards the doors, as well. Before they exited, Kaoru piped up, "Hey, Hikaru." Hikaru stopped and looked to Kaoru who had a devious smile plastered across his face. "You may be the oldest, but I'm certainly more mature." Kaoru then exited the room, Hikaru following afterwards.
"No you're not," he answered.
"Yes I am," Kaoru demanded.
"No you're not," Hikaru repeated.
From the halls, the last remaining Hosts could hear the echoing of two voices playfully arguing back and forth as they made their way to the car that would drive them home.
And neither did they know that this was one of the very, very few times they would ever witness an argument between the Hitachiin twins.
"Yes I am – Yes I am!"