Summary: Crack, AU. Quiet study periods were not meant for people like Balthazar. Rated for improper use of Lady Gaga lyrics. Balthazar/Fate (Atropos).
Author's Note: …Uh, yeah. I wanted to ship Balthazar/Fate, had a few stories in the works, and then this just happened to flow out much faster and easier.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. It belongs to Eric Kripke.
"Don't do it."
Castiel glared at him.
"You know what."
The pair was seated in the middle of the school library, closest to the librarian's desk. One of the benefits of sitting further away from the librarian's desk- something that Balthazar was constantly aware of and took advantage of every day- was that you could afford to talk a little more loudly without drawing much attention. You could also pull more crap with a lesser likelihood of being caught red handed. Castiel had been surprised when his brother had led them to this table rather than to one of the ones closer to the windows, but had not objected.
In retrospect, he should have been more inquisitive.
Balthazar had gone after many a person in their school, the boundaries of grade-level and/or sexual orientation never really stopping or hindering him in his conquests. Castiel was primarily concerned with the health risks of his brother's promiscuity, and was trying to force himself to be less bothered by the fact that he was known as "The Man-Slut's Dorky Little Brother".
It was difficult.
Anyway, Balthazar's latest conquest was, as Castiel was finding out the hard way, the pretty, blonde, bespectacled librarian's assistant, Atropos.
This would, by far, probably be Balthazar's most difficult case because, by and large, his previous ones hadn't had quite as much self-respect as Atropos did (And Castiel was disheartened to realize that sleeping with Balthazar clearly required a lack of self-respect to begin with). She was a perfectionist, a straight-A student and was claimed by many to have a mile-long stick up her ass that would not be budged.
Evidently, Balthazar had taken those claims as a challenge.
He took far too many challenges. Castiel was idly thinking of hobbies that he might be able to get Balthazar involved in just to avoid more scenarios like this.
"You're supposed to be studying."
"I am studying." Balthazar gave a pointed nod towards Atropos.
"Not that kind of studying." Castiel's teeth were clenched. He did that a lot when speaking with his brother. He dreaded his next visit to the dentist.
"I don't have the slightest idea as to what you're talking about, little brother." His eyes were glued to a part of Atropos' body that Castiel was trying to avoid looking at (Because with his luck, Atropos would see him looking and not Balthazar and only clobber Castiel without waiting for an explanation).
Castiel looked both ways for any nearby authority figures, then leaned forward. "She is going to kick your ass left, right, up, down and sideways if you even speak to her, never mind what she'll do if she catches you staring at her- at her." He hissed.
"You put far too much clout in those stories about feminine wrath, Cassie." Balthazar smirked. "She's a bloody librarian's assistant, not a jock. She can't hurt me." And with that, Balthazar got up from the seat, to Castiel's profound horror, and walked up to the desk. One thought stood out above all the other frantic and terrified ones in his head:
This will not end well.
Castiel covered his eyes, only parting his fingers a little so that he could just barely see Atropos' face. As much as he wanted to punch his brother in the gut for causing this kind of trouble, he still loved him, and figured it might be wise to know when he should whip out his phone and call the paramedics.
Castiel could watch, but forced himself to tune out the dim conversation as it started. Atropos' initial expression was one of mild distaste; she was familiar with Balthazar (Castiel thought they might be in a class together), as well as his reputation. Then, slowly, her eyes started to narrow. She said something back to him. She didn't look- or sound- happy. Not that that ever stopped Balthazar. He said something back, grinning a grin that could be, at best, described as 'Creeper-ish'. She snapped something at him.
And then, however much he tried to block this out, Balthazar spoke a little too loudly for Castiel to not hear it:
"Oh, come on Aisa; we all know you'd like to take a ride on my disco stick."
Castiel's jaw dropped.
No. Oh no.
Balthazar did not just say that.
Atropos seemed to have a similar line of thinking.
There was no anger, no disgust, no horror; just pure, unadulterated shock.
Then- Then- to Castiel's astonishment-
She leaned forward and, cheered on by this, Balthazar didn't even disguise the fact that he took a little peek at her cleavage, however little was on display under her shirt and sweater.
"That's cute, Balthazar." She giggled, and alarm bells went off in Castiel's head as her hands disappeared from view and the look in her eyes was not as beatific as the smile on her face. "But, before we do, just one little thing."
Castiel went bright red as every head in the library whirled towards the librarian's desk, and everyone saw his idiot of an older brother cradling his head in his hands as Atropos stood over him, a very heavy leather-bound book clenched in her hands. Her face was white, and her lips were pulled back in an enraged snarl.
"You are," Atropos hissed (She was still in a library, and she took her position seriously enough that even ground-shaking anger wasn't enough to make her scream), "Are a low-down, dirty, sex-obsessed, idiotic pig, and if you ever ask me something like that again, I'll shove you head-first into the book-return bin!"
Balthazar, still holding his head, turned to look at her again. Castiel groaned out loud when he realized what was going to happen next.
"Does that mean you'll eventually have to pull me out with the other books and stamp 'Checked in' on my ass? Because if so, darling, then go right a-"
Castiel put his head on the desk and wondered what joke of nature had given Balthazar less survival instincts than the rest of humanity.
He didn't look up again until he heard Balthazar slide back into his seat, and contemplated what he was going to say when he eventually picked his head up and confronted his brother.
What was he to say?
'Are you okay?'
'I told you so?' (That one was tempting.)
'What was that bit about me overestimating feminine wrath?'
'I can't believe you just hit on her using a Lady Gaga song title?'
'Can't I take you anywhere anymore?'
Maybe he should just wait for Balthazar to say something.
Castiel took a deep breath and looked up. "Balthazar…?" He shook his head weakly, waving his hands helplessly. The skin around his hairline was already turning red from where Atropos had hit him (twice).
Balthazar looked at his brother for a moment. Then- Castiel would have to stop being surprised by this- he grinned.
"She wants me. She totally wants me."