"Buster & Babs"
Based on "Tiny Toon Adventures",
Characters Created by Tom Ruegger
and Television Show Developed and Produced by Steven Spielberg
This is my first time doing fan fiction and the only way I feel comfotable writing it out is in script form so please forgive it. Anyway, with that said, I hope you enjoy it.
EXT. ACME ACRES – BUSTER'S BURROW – NIGHT
It's a calm night in the town of Acme Acres. The time of day when the town takes a break from all the craziness and surreal wackiness that's usually known for taking place. Anyway, we gaze down at a burrow which consists of a tree stump with a rabbit hole in the middle and a mailbox labeled 'Buster' sticking out.
INT. BUSTER'S BURROW – BEDROOM
BUSTER BUNNY, a blue-furred rabbit about the age of fifteen, is in his bedroom getting ready for bed while humming a rather familiar tune (it's the theme song, by the way) as he walks around the room, still in his usual trademark red shirt and traditional white gloves. The clock next to his bed indicates that it's near midnight. His head then turns to his left as he pauses to yawn and notices something on his counter that's hidden under a pile of important and not so important papers. Out of curiosity, he pulls it out, causing a few papers to slide off the counter. It was a scrapbook entitled 'Memories' that he sort of forgot he had. (Why he's just noticing it now is beyond me.) He then climbs onto his bed, sits up and places the scrapbook on his lap. He opens it up and pretty soon, a bunch of memories came flooding back to him as he began looking at the photos that were glued to the pages. They were of him with his good friend/girlfriend, BABS, starting from when they were very little leading up to present day. He suddenly realizes that this was the exact same scrapbook that Babs had given to him for Christmas about a year ago. As he continues to look at each picture, he smiles and laughs as each one brought back a classic memory. Granted, he's never had time to look back due to the rather interesting life he leads that keeps getting in the way and the fact that he's been more than a little busy lately. Because of this, he realizes that he hasn't really seen or talked to her in what felt like a long time and that it was now time for them to get back in touch again. He looks at the calendar in front of him and sees all the passed days that have been crossed off. He notices what tomorrow is, Friday. With a smile now on his face, he turns his head to the clock and notices how late it is. Does that stop him? Nope, never has. Quickly, Buster closes the scrapbook, turns to the counter on the other side of his bed and reaches for the phone.
INT. BABS' BURROW – BEDROOM
BABS BUNNY, a pink-furred rabbit about the same age as Buster wearing pajamas and "ear rollers" is fast asleep on her bed, snoring lightly when suddenly... RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG! It was enough to make poor Babs spring herself awake without any warning. With her eyes halfway open, she struggles to turn her lamp on and grabs the phone next to her, groaning as she does so. (By the way, the two locations will be switching back and forth throughout the dialogue.)
BABS: [tired] Hello?
BUSTER: [on the other line] Hiya, Babsy! It's me. "No relation"?
BABS: Oh. Hey, Buster. (yawns)
BUSTER: [hearing her yawn] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
BABS: [slowly opening her eyes] Oh, no. Sorry. Silly me. I must have fallen asleep. [looks at the time] Forgot that it would only occur to you to call me at this time of day.
Buster notices something odd. They haven't talked in ages and yet Babs sounds as if nothing's changed. He opens his mouth to ask but then decides not to and just go with it for now.
BUSTER: Yeah, that's nice. Anyway, ya feeling up for tomorrow?
BABS: Always have, always will. Why, what'dya had in mind?
BUSTER: Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner and maybe catch a movie afterwards. What'dya think?
BABS: Uh, well, I don't know. Lemme think. [Three seconds later...] Okay, I'm in.
BUSTER: Great. Sounds like a date. I'll be around your place around, say, around six-thirty?
BUSTER: All right then, sounds good. Oh, and Babs?
BUSTER: You're not gonna keep me waiting til midnight like you did last time, are ya?
BABS: [rubbing her eyes] Oh, come on, Buster! It was just that one time. You know I don't do that anymore.
BUSTER: All right, all right, just checking. Had to ask just to be sure. Okay, Babaloo, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. [hangs up]
Babs hangs up as well, mutters something under her breath, shuts off the light, snuggles back into her covers and closes her eyes...3...2...1. Her eyes open up again like two window curtains. Now fully awake, she realizes what just happened and who she had just talked to. Quickly, she picks up the receiver again even though she's aware that the rabbit on the other end had just hung up seconds ago.
BABS: Hello? Buster? [looks at "camera"] I was tired. What'dya expect?
She groans in disappointment as she hangs up the phone again. She then all of a sudden remembers the conversation they just had over the phone about ten seconds ago. Her frown quickly turns upside down and goes back to sleep.
EXT. ACME ACRES – FOREST – NOON
It's a beautiful day in the town of Acme Acres. We see Buster making his way over to Babs' place. He is still wearing the usual trademark red shirt that he always wears and is still humming that familiar little tune that everyone knows and loves with a smile on his face. (I think we all know why that is.) He approaches Babs' burrow and rings on her doorbell that's connected on a pole, located next to her mailbox labeled 'Babs'.
INT. BABS' BURROW – LIVING ROOM
An energetic Babs Bunny hears the doorbell and races into the living room wearing her usual trademark yellow blouse, purple skirt and tiny bowed ribbons near the tip of her ears to match. Unlike Buster however, she does not wear any gloves.
BABS: [to an offscreen Buster and in a sing-songy voice] COOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! [she turns to the kitchen, in normal voice] Mom! Your super-gourgeously, incredibly, talented daughter is leaving now!
BABS' MOM: [offscreen, with a very indescribable accent] Alright, Bee-abs. Hee-ave fun!
Babs then tries to make her way through the living room, which is loaded with dozens of her brothers and sisters, many of who look like regular rabbits, some resembling Babs and few who look absolutely nothing like they're related, spreaded all over the place.
BABS: Excuse me. Pardon me. Comin' through. Sorry. Excuse me. Watch it, Mortimer. Pardon me. Move it or lose it. Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me. (etc., etc.)
She successfully gets through and runs up the stairs leading to the top of the rabbit hole.
EXT. BABS' BURROW
Meanwhile, Buster is patiently awaiting Babs, standing the opposite direction, that is until...
...Babs springs right out of the rabbit hole and tackles Buster from where he's standing, giving him a great, big, body-crushing hug.
BABS: HOLY SMOKES, IT'S BEEN AGES! HOW THE HECK ARE YA!
BUSTER: [suffocating] Can't... breathe...
BABS: [realizes] Oh, sorry.
She lets him go and laughs nervously as Buster shakes himself back to shape.
BUSTER: Hello, Babs. How are ya?
Babs then realizes about how long it's been and begins to frown. The kind of frown where you can't tell if she's mad or if she's smiling under there.
BABS: That reminds me. You never called or anything these past few months. Why now all of a sudden?
BUSTER: Hmm, that's weird. You didn't sound like that when I called last night.
BABS: Well you called me near midnight last night! You know I don't function well before after hours.
BUSTER: Well I guess I forgot. After all, it's been a while, remember?
BABS: That's no excuse.
She turns around and crosses her arms, eyes closed.
BUSTER: Look, Babs, I didn't come here to argue with you, alright? I just wanted to take you out and show you a good time, that's all. Okay?
Babs takes a deep breath and sighs, opens her eyes and turns around.
BABS: All right, all right. I'm sorry. I understand if you've been busy and such. It's fine. By the way, could I just ask why were you so busy?
BUSTER: I'll explain that later. You wanna get going?
They get on all fours and literally start hopping on their way just like... well, rabbits. They continue to converse as they are hopping away.
BABS: So, where did you have in mind, then?
BUSTER: Well, I was thinking of maybe hitting the..., I don't know, maybe... the Cafe Blánc?
BABS: Oh, alright, sounds- [eyes open wide] THE CAFE BLÁNC?
BUSTER: Yeah. Why, is that a problem?
BABS: No, no, it's not that. It's just that, well, I can't remember the last time you ever took me to a fancy restaurant. In fact, now that I mention it, I don't think you ever did.
BUSTER: Yeah, well I figured that maybe it was time I took you to one. You know, sort of make it a little extra special.
BABS: Alright, sounds good. But don't you need reservations?
BUSTER: Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? [He makes a weird face] Ugh, I didn't like how that sounded. Better check this thing.
He pulls out the script to this from one of his unseen pockets and begins to skim through it. He also pulls out a pen and starts scribbling on it, while still hopping, that is.
BABS: Uh, Buster?
BUSTER: Not now, Babs. Have to make a few changes to this thing.
BABS: Uh, seriously Buster?
BUSTER: Hold on a sec, Babs.
Babs all of a sudden stops hopping leaving Buster to hop by himself.
BUSTER: Ok, this... this... aaaaaaaaaand DONE!
Just then, Buster's foot gets caught in a knot. The rope grabs a hold of him, making him flip and is now hanging upside down from a nearby tree. Buster groans in confusion about what the heck just happened as he swings back and forth from the impact. The script he was once holding is now on the floor.
BABS: Not that it's relevant or anything but, uh, just wanted to warn you that, um, ahem, [as Admiral Ackbar] "It's a trap!"
BUSTER: Yeah, Babsy, I can see that. Anyway, would you mind?
BABS: Oh, right.
Babs runs up the tree to see if she could fix the problem until... SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF. She smells something. Her eyes turn wide. It's obviously something she's not expecting. Her eyes then turn to Buster who looks very uncomfortable as he just hangs there.
BABS: Uh, Buster? Little problem.
BUSTER: What? Material of the rope difficult? Cause it sure feels like it.
He stops. He smells it too. His eyes too turn wide.
BUSTER: [slowly panicking] Oh, no. Not now. Not now! Uh, Babs, if you're gonna untie me, you better do it quick!
BABS: I'm on it!
She climbs up the tree and hides while also trying to untie the knots. Sweat starts to drip from Buster's head as he tries not to panic but then... Uh-oh. Too late. Out of nowhere, well actually out of an unseen bush, a little redheaded girl with a white skirt, blue blouse and a bow on top of her head with a visible gerbil skull in the middle jumps right out, surprising the two rabbits. Ladies and gentlemen, meet ELMYRA.
BUSTER/BABS: [both gasp, then] ELMYRA!
Babs continues to work on the knots. Buster tries to make the escape seem a lot quicker by pulling himself out but apparently has no luck being that his feet are a little big. Elmyra starts to walk towards Buster seeing that her trap worked.
ELMYRA: Ooooooh, I finally caught the blue hippity hop so I can hug him and squeeze him and fold him and spindle him into itty bitty pieces!
BUSTER: [trying not to lose his cool] Uhh, hello Elmyra. It's been a while, don't you think?
ELMYRA: Why hello yourself, blue hippity hop! How ya doin'?
BUSTER: Well, you know just... uuuuuuuhhhhh, [trying not to say the usual joke that's been said a million times before]... I got nothin'. So, let me guess. Judging from this trap you've gotten me caught in, and might I say, a rather weak one too, this is just another dumb, pointless attempt to capture me, isn't it?
ELMYRA: [trying to look innocent] Uuuuhhhhh, maybe?
Buster then has an idea to stall for more time.
BUSTER: Well then, Elmyra, I have to say that I'm very disappointed in you. Truly this here attempt, which I have to say is not at all original and I should know because I've actually escaped through this one before is total proof that you are losing your subtle charm for capturing innocent animals, don't you agree?
ELMYRA: Well, I was gonna go with the cage but then I thought that wasn't thought that wasn't good enough so then I thought that...
While Elmyra is busy chatting away, Buster checks on the process.
BUSTER: Uh, Babs, are you finished yet?
BABS: Actually, I've been finished about a while ago.
He sees that the rope's been untied and yet he and the rope still somehow manage to be suspended in the air.
BUSTER: And you waited till now to tell me, why?
Since the joke's over, he falls to the ground. He quickly gets himself back up, picks up the script he dropped, puts it in his pockets and prepares himself to run off.
ELMYRA: [still talking] ...so then I thought considered an anvil but that wouldn't be-
BUSTER: Well, sorry to cut this short, Elmyra, but we really got to get going so if you don't mind, adios!
He takes off with rapid speed. Babs jumps from the tree and lands on Elmyra, squishing her in the process and takes off behind Buster. Shortly after, Elmyra jumps back up to her normal shape. Stars slowly rotate around her dizzy little head which she soon shakes off.
ELMYRA: Wait! Come back! I have so much more love to give!
She runs off after them but their speed is too much for her that she stops and gives up. The rabbits then slam on their brakes, literally speaking, and stop dead in their tracks after noticing how far away they are from her.
BABS: If by love, she means-
BUSTER: Uh, Babsy, I don't think I would use that particular joke if I were you.
BABS: Why not?
BUSTER: You know... (hints at the "audience")
BABS: Oh, right. Sorry.
BUSTER: Well, let's keep going, shall we?
BABS: But what if she comes back?
BUSTER: Don't worry, according to this [re: the script], she isn't.
BABS: Oh, okay.
They continue hopping along as if nothing happened.
INT. CAFE BLÁNC
The Cafe Blánc, just your average, typical restaurant, with a few fancy touches. It's not really elegant looking or anything, it's a bit small but not too much that it looks cheap or anything and it does look neatly decorated. (Use your imaginations, folks.) There are no cheesy strings or anything like that playing in the background, although there is some "elevator music" playing instead which is rather odd. The waiters are all wearing vests and the customers are not too overdressed. (Well, some are.) Anyway, we then pan to the entrance where Buster and Babs who now all of a sudden have went through a change of wardrobe. Buster now dons a tiny little tux and Babs' a small blue dress with matching bows on her ears. They approach the WAITER near the entrance.
BUSTER: Why, hello my good man. Table for two, please?
WAITER: Sorry, sir. But everyone must make a reservation beforehand.
BUSTER: [disappointed] Oh.
BABS: [whispers] I warned ya.
WAITER: So yeah, I'm afraid you're gonna have to-
BUSTER: Oh, but we do have reservations. You see, I'm um, uh...
While Buster is busy thinking, Babs is skimming the reservation book to find a certain name that they could "borrow". She smirks as she finds the perfect one.
BABS: Montana Max and his date.
BUSTER: Yeah, that's right, sir. I'm Montana Ma-
he pauses as his eyes open up again and his mouth completely closes. He then turns to Babs.
BUSTER: Uh, Babsy, could I talk to you for a sec. [To waiter] Excuse us for just a moment, will ya?
They take two steps back and turn around in the different direction. The entire dialogue is whispered but is still audible.
BUSTER: Uhh, Babs. Just what do you think you're doing?
BABS: Look, we've never been here before so that means he's probably never seen us before in his life. So I figure we'll just "borrow" someone's reservation and just go on right ahead.
BUSTER: But Monty's? Are you insane?
BABS: Maybe, but we'll probably be finished before he pops his head in here anyway. Besides, I'm still mad at him for ruining my comedy routine on New Year's Eve.
BUSTER: So you're saying that we should pass off as Monty and his date even though we look absolutely nothing like them?
BABS: That's right.
BUSTER: [looks at the waiter and points at him] You think he's dumb enough to fall for it?
Babs takes a quick look at the waiter who seems to be just standing there waiting patiently while being easily distracted by everything around him.
BABS: I think we can make it work.
BUSTER: All right, I'll try.
He takes a deep breath, turns around and...
BUSTER: [mood changes, pulls off a decent Montana Max impression] That's right, Mac! Montana Max is my name! Now are you gonna show us to our table or what?
WAITER: [buying it rather quickly] Oh, oh, of course. Right this way, Mr. Max.
BUSTER: That's better!
He walks away to show them to their tables. Buster holds out his arm so Babs can put hers around it and begin to follow the waiter.
BUSTER: Right this way, Babsyboo.
BABS: That was pretty good.
BUSTER: Why, thank you.
They approach a nearby booth and look at the mess that the recent owners left on the table.
BUSTER: [still doing the voice] You expect us to dine with this mess just rotting here? Get someone to clean this up right now!
WAITER: Oh, sorry sir, right away.
He turns to where the kitchen is located, puts two fingers to his lips and whistles as loud as he can. Just then, the Warner Brothers and Sister, YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT, spring right out of the kitchen in neat tuxedos and head straight for the table where Buster and Babs are located. They rapidly clean up the table, and by cleaning, I mean Wakko lifts the table up and the entire mess falls right into his mouth. He puts the table back before he could devour everything else as well. Yakko shuffles the clean dishes and places them on the table as if he was dealing cards. He then juggles the silverware and glasses onto the table, all in a quick pace. Last, he takes out a pitcher of water and pours some onto their glasses. The two Warner brothers then run right back into the kitchen as Buster and Babs finally sit down. As for Dot, she places the menus before them and also a vase with water in the middle of the table and puts a dozen flowers inside. She then looks at them cutely, blinks twice, then runs right back into the kitchen to join her brothers. Time: twelve seconds.
BUSTER: [looks at "camera"; in normal voice] I love pointless cameos, don't you?
They begin to look at their menus just as a different waiter comes in.
WAITER: #2: [friendly] Good evening. Welcome to the Cafe Blánc. What can we serve you two today?
Babs looks at the menu, already deciding what to order.
BABS: I'll have the carrot pot au feu with carrot sticks and chips on the side and a glass of carrot juice. [looks at "camera"] Picking up on a theme here?
WAITER #2: [writing it all down] Okay. [turns to Buster] And you?
WAITER #2: Alright, then.
BUSTER: Oh, hold on.
He pens a quick little note on a small piece of paper, not wanting Babs to know what it is and hands it over to the waiter.
WAITER #2: Certainly, right away, sir.
He takes the menus and heads off into the kitchen.
BABS: [curious] What was that about?
BUSTER: What was?
BABS: That, what you just wrote down?
BUSTER: Oh, that's for later on. Don't worry about that.
BABS: Alright, if you say so.
She drops it right away, thinking it's some sort of a surprise for her. She starts looking towards the restaurant, observing the customers enjoying their meals and whatnots. She also checks out the atmosphere of the place which, while it's not really perfect or anything, still, it's rather something.
BABS: So, this is nice.
BUSTER: Yes it is. Yes it is. Don't know why I never took you here before.
BABS: Well... we're here now.
BUSTER: True. That is true.
For some reason, they can't seem to get a conversation going. They stare at each other awkwardly waiting for the other to say something. Babs starts twiddling her thumbs as Buster tries to mentally dig up what it was he wanted to say. It happens. Finally, after a whole minute of silence, Babs says something.
BABS: Don't you hate that?
BUSTER: Hate what?
BABS: You know? [imitates Uma Thurman] Uncomfortable silences.
BUSTER: Well, we could always try breaking the ice.
BABS: Okay. [she spins around, causing a tornado effect and comes out with a giant ice cube that came out of nowhere and an ice pick to go with it. Does a playfully threatening voice] How should I break it? Cubed or crushed?
BUSTER: No, no, no. I meant- [realized what she just said] Wow, that was terrible. [oh, well] No, actually I thought maybe we could talk. You know, tell each other stuff.
BABS: Oh, okay. [spins around again, now imitates Melora Walters] I'll tell you everything and you tell me everything and maybe we could get through all the trash and junk and lies that destroy other people.
BABS: [spins back to normal] Sorry. Can't help myself. You know how I am. Well, what do you want to talk about?
BUSTER: I don't know. For starters, how about telling me what it is that you've been doing with yourself for the past few months?
BABS: [imitates phone operator] I'm sorry, but that piece of information will not be revealed until said subject is ready to do so.
BUSTER: How come?
BABS: [normal voice] Because I just don't want to bring it up right now, all right?
BUSTER: Oh. That's okay. I'll bet I can find it in here somewhere... [pulls out the script and begins to skim through it]... let's see...
BABS: Gimme that!
Babs snatches it right out of his hands before he could go any further. Buster groans in disappointment.
BABS: So, what about you? Unless you don't want to bring it up, then that's fine.
BUSTER: Well, because I'm much more willing to talk about it than you are, I'm actually staying at Acme Loo for another season. About a while back, I heard that Bugs was teaching classes for talents who were willing to start right away. So I jumped at the opportunity.
BABS: Oh, really? Did not know that. [turns to "camera"] Of course. [back to Buster] And how is that going, may I ask?
BUSTER: Oh, it's going great. I'm learning tons. You know, Bugs had to go through a lot just to get his first starring role. If you listen to half the stuff he says when he's not teaching his usual routine, it really is something.
BABS: Sounds pretty interesting.
BUSTER: Oh, you have no idea.
BABS: Just one thing I don't get, if I may. Of all the days that you've been there, how come you never tried to contact me?
BUSTER: Well, I've been pretty busy with all that they've been having me do. A lot has changed since graduation, you know.
Babs then suddenly changes the subject as soon as this particular subject gets introduced.
BABS: Ah, yes. Graduation. [sighs] I remember it like it was just yesterday...
The scene starts shifting as she tries to remember, but then...
BUSTER: Oh, no you don't, Miss Flashback!
Record scratches. Flasback scene: failed.
BUSTER: Sorry, but according to the script that I don't seem to have anymore thanks to you, we don't have much room or time to actually go into great detail about what is considered to be the most important day of our young lives. So if you don't mind, we're dropping that scene out.
BABS: [sighs] Alright then, Mr. Moment Spoiler. But I will say this about it; it was a great day.
BUSTER: Yes it was but, you know.
BABS: I know, I know. By the way, you want your script back?
BUSTER: If you don't mind.
BABS: Alright. Just don't go trying to spoil it for everyone else again.
BUSTER: Alright, Babs, if you say so. I promise.
BABS: Thank you.
She hands him back the script which Buster quickly crams back to his pockets.
A half-hour later, we see that the table is now covered with dishes full of food that has either been picked clean or almost finished. We close out as we now see Babs and Buster are laid back on their seats, arms swinging out, not completely full, but totally satisfied by their meals. (They're toons. I don't even think they can get full.)
BABS: Ah, that really hit the spot. Just one thing; how do you expect to pay for all of this?
BUSTER: You know, I'm really not sure. Oh, wait, yes I am. [pulls out script again and skims through it] Aha! I wouldn't worry about that, Babalink. We're good.
BABS: [not surprised] Of course we are.
The waiter comes back holding another silver plate that is neatly covered. He takes the plates away and leaves the one he's holding before them plus, the bill.
WAITER #2: Here ya go and here's your bill, sir.
The waiter walks away. Buster takes one glance and does a wild take. It reads $200.
BABS: That bad?
BUSTER: Uh, it's nothing I can't handle. Anyway, dessert?
BABS: [looking at the covered silver plate ] What is it?
BUSTER: See for yourself.
She uncovers the plate and witnesses what stands in front of her. It was carrot cake, her one weakness. Her mouth opens up completely and her tongue starts panting like a dog. Saliva slowly starts dripping from her mouth in anticipation.
BABS: [stammering] I-I-I-Is-Is Is that-?
BUSTER: You know what it is. Go right ahead.
She smacks her lips as she picks up her fork and knife and assumes the attack position. Her mouth opens up ready to devour and-
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Montana Max, party of two.
She pauses. Her mouth closes up and her eyes open all the way up as she recognizes whose voice that is. She slowly turns around to check. Her pupils shrink and her eyes merge as she notices who it is. It's MONTANA MAX who is wearing a small tux rather than his usual grayish-blue jacket with the green shirt, and his date that is... JUST SOME POINTLESS GIRL WHO'S ONLY IN THE SCRIPT FOR ABOUT A PAGE OR TWO AND DOESN'T REALLY HAVE ANY DIALOGUE WHATSOEVER SO TECHNICALLY, SHE'S NOT IMPORTANT AND HAS NO RELEVANCE TO THE STORY. As they are awaiting the waiter's response, Babs' eyes turn to Buster.
BABS: Uhh, Buster?
BUSTER: What? What is it?
She moves her head towards the familiar person that is awaiting the first waiter's response.
BUSTER: Oh, right.
They both look in the same direction.
WAITER: [to Montana Max] Well, I apologize, sir but it according to this, your reservations have already been confirmed about a half-hour ago.
MONTANA MAX: WHAT? That's impossible! By who?
WAITER: Well, you could try asking those two sitting over there. [points to Buster and Babs] They claim to be you two.
He sees Buster and Babs looking at them from where they're sitting. As soon as they're spotted, they quickly turn around. He growls as he now approaches them.
BABS: What are we gonna do?
BUSTER: Don't worry. I have a plan.
Buster gets out of his seat and approaches Monty.
BUSTER: Monty! Long time, no see! How ya doin'?
MONTANA MAX: What do ya think you're doing, rabbit?
BUSTER: Why, we were just saving your spot, isn't that right, Babsaroo?
BABS: Uhh, sure. [to "camera"] Some plan.
MONTANA MAX: Then what's that?
He points to the carrot cake that Babs was just about to devour seconds ago.
BABS: Uhh, Buster? I think that's our cue to go.
BUSTER: Yeah, you know what? I think you're right. Say good night, Babs.
BABS: Good night, Babs.
They both take off in less than a second, until Babs quickly returns to retrieve her cake. She glances a nervous smile at Monty and takes off again. Halfway through, Buster stops, knowing he forgot to do something.
BUSTER: Wait, hold on, Babs. I have to do something real quick.
BABS: Alright, but hurry it up.
He speeds into the men's room and pops out within seconds looking like he has money in his pockets. Complete with a hat, a wig to hide his ears, an eyepiece, cane, different suit and a fake moustache. He then speeds to Monty who for some reason has not left the table they were sitting in. Odd. The two waiters are also waiting behind him as well.
BUSTER: [to Monty, in a bad British accent] Excuse me, but would you be so kind to let me borrow $200 from you, my good man?
MONTANA MAX: [assuming he's someone else of course] Why certainly, sir.
He pulls out $200 out of his pockets and hands them over to Buster.
BUSTER: Thank you.
He gently places them on the table next to the bill. He then digs into his pockets, pulls out a coin and flips it over to the second waiter.
BUSTER: [in normal voice] Keep the change, garçon.
...and speeds off.
MONTANA MAX: What a nice guy. [Then realizing who it really was] HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
He begins to go after them as Buster rejoins Babs. By the way, the cake that was in her hands a moment ago is now gone. So yeah, Babs is a quick eater apparently.
BABS: Wow, I can't believe he fell for that.
BUSTER: Well, what did ya expect? It's Monty.
MONTANA MAX: GET BACK HERE! I'LL SUE!
The two rabbits burst right through the exit doors.
EXT. CAFE BLÁNC - NOON/NIGHT
BUSTER: [whistles] TAXI!
A taxicab suddenly approaches and screeches to a halt. The two rabbits both hop inside and the cab takes right off. Monty catches up but is too late seeing that they've just managed to escape. His date approaches him, glances at him for about two seconds, then slaps him in the face and just walks off, leaving him there. Wow. Harsh.
The two rabbits are standing on the seats looking out the back window as the scene they just left suddenly fades further and further away from them.
BUSTER: Phew, that was a close one.
BABS: I know. He's not-?
Buster pulls out the script again and shakes his head with a smirk on his face.
They both turn around and slide onto their seats. Only as soon as Buster sits down, he finds himself cringing when he feels that he's sitting on something. He checks to see what it is. It is a certain paw that everybody seems to be familiar with. Not knowing what on earth it is, he chucks it out the window.
BABS: What is it?
BUSTER: I think I sat on a forced joke or something. [he glances at the script that's still in his hand.] Seriously, who wrote this thing?
BABS: Now Buster, be nice.
BUSTER: I'm just saying. We're like, sixteen pages in and it just continues to get weirder and weirder.
They both remove their get-up which to them is simple as removing a cloth and are now back in their usual clothes which they've had on under them. Buster then takes the script and crams it back in his pocket.
BABS: So where to now?
BUSTER: The movies, remember?
BABS: Oh, right. By the way, you never told me. Which one?
BUSTER: Does it really matter?
BABS: Hmmm, not really, just as long as it's doesn't stink.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
The two rabbits are now sitting on their seats as the movie they are watching has already begun. Only six minutes in, and not including the length indulging opening credits, they look like they're not going to enjoy a single moment of it.
BABS: It's gonna stink, isn't it?
BUSTER: What makes you say that?
BABS: Seriously, when was the last time you saw six minutes of absolutely nothing but opening credits? You could practically tell they're trying to hide something.
BUSTER: Well, maybe that's a good thing, then. They're probably trying to get the rid of all of the cruddy stuff in order to keep you patient for all the really good stuff that's going to happen later on. It'll get good. You'll see.
They both start to patiently wait it out as the film progresses.
DISSOLVE TO: TEN MINUTES LATER
Babs' arms are now crossed and her face starts to show signs of dissatisfaction. As for Buster, he still patiently waits it out.
BUSTER: Any moment now, it's gonna turn itself around.
DISSOLVE: TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Babs' face hasn't changed, except maybe her eyelids may have dropped just a centimeter and Buster finally starts showing signs of disappointment.
BUSTER: It's not going to, is it?
BABS: I'm not seeing any signs of possible U-turns anytime soon.
BUSTER: Carrot sticks.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
The two rabbits now try to make do with the film they've chosen. Babs tries to understand what exactly it is they're watching (the keyword being "try") when she stumbles upon an error.
BABS: Wait- What? [starts pointing her fingers in different directions] Didn't he just- What? I thought he- What? When did he- What? [turns to Buster] There's a hole in the plot!
BUSTER: Let me guess; big enough to drive a Mack truck through?
BABS: Exactly! Almost an hour in, I can't make the story out to save my own life and already there's a plot hole.
Just then, Buster hatches an idea as the obvious smirk on his face and the invisible, shining light bulb on top of his head lets us know. He whispers in Babs' ear. Her curious face slowly transforms into a smile, which then becomes a smirk.
The soundtrack to the film is echoing all over the theater as the audience seem to be focused on what's occuring. Hmm, people today. They'll eat anything up. Speaking of eating... CRUNCH! SMACK! CRUNCH! SLURP! The people in the audience all of a sudden lose their focus on whatever's occuring on screen and are now irritated as they can hear the two rabbits behind them happily munching away on snacks they have purchased from the concession stand, and rather blatantly too. They have everything around them from popcorn, sodas, candy, hot dogs, nachos, etc.
BUSTER: Don't mind if I do.
She pours some into his hand as they commence to literally make noise.
AUDIENCE: [turn towards the two rabbits] SSSSHHHHH!
They pause. They both slowly swallow what's in their mouth and continue eating, slowly and quietly. Everyone in the audience then simultaneously turn their attention back towards the screen. Afterwards, he rabbits put their food aside as they try to watch more of the movie, seeing what else could they nitpick about it. Babs suddenly hears an entire speech of dialogue that really makes her want to shout out the obvious in a rather subtle way. (and knowing Babs, she does.)
BABS: [in sing-songy voice] Eeeeeeeeeeeeeexxxxx-pooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh-!
AUDIENCE: [turns back around] SSSSHHHHH!
BABS: [to herself] Something tells me this is gonna become a regular thing between us.
The rabbits now look dull as they try to cope with every single cliché that's being thrown at them. Right now, a chilling scene (or at least, it's supposed to look chilling) is taking part on screen. They weren't afraid or amused then so, why should they be now? The film grows silent as the so-called "terror" begins to take part.
BUSTER: [imitating "scary sound effect"] Cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap-cheap-Shot-shot-shot-shot-shot-shot.
Babs giggles, trying not to upset the crowds again, although, there's nothing she would like more than to do so again. (She just can't help herself, as she would usually say) A sound effect of a door slowly opening up is heard which is then followed by a CLANK! Which turns out the be the sound of an object falling over followed by a startled shriek and then finally, a sound of relief coming from the actress on screen. But that doesn't stop the rabbits from predicting what's about to happen.
BOTH: [simultaneously] He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the closet. He's in the- [sound of actress screaming offscreen] Oooooohhh, what a shocker!
The entire theater now glows in a bright red. The audience looks intrigued, all except for- well, you know which ones.
BABS: Oh, come on! Those aren't special effects, those are cheap name brands! Who worked on this thing, Industrial Light & Table Scraps?
The audience turns back around to-
BABS: [five steps ahead] Uh, bup, bup. Please, allow me.
She takes a deep breath and let's it all out in a giant...
BABS: [deep voice] QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! [room shakes, then goes back to normal] There, that's better.
Next to her, Buster squeezes his ears, making sure he can still hear through them.
BUSTER: Next time, warn me before you do that.
DISSOLVE: ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES LATER
BABS: How much long do we have?
BUSTER: [checks his watch] I'd say about another half hour.
BABS: Good, cause I think I'm running out of material here.
BUSTER: Hmm. That's a first.
Just then, we get our first glimpse at the screen, which reveals four people sitting down at a diner having a conversation, or what appears to be a conversation. Anyway, we have a weird looking guy in a tux with long hair and a messed up face, a normal but psychotic looking guy wearing a blue sweater with a visible white shirt underneath, a teenager with a blue shirt and glasses and a Ryan O'Neil lookalike with curly hair, wearing black pants, a grey suit and a flannel shirt. Their dialogue is mostly improvised which consists of plenty of pretty bad one-liners and such. (and no, I am NOT being lazy here! Let's just give someone else a chance to cook something up.)
BABS: What's happening now?
BUSTER: I don't know, I stopped caring about an hour ago.
The first actor begins to talk but due to his unrecognizable accent, they can't understand a word he's saying and the fact that his voice sounds like it's being dubbed over doesn't help at all. As soon as he opens his mouth, Babs, who is trying to take a sip from her drink, accidentally makes it explode as she cannot control the hysterical laughter she has over the ridiculousness of both the dialogue and delivery. Buster looks more confused than amused.
BABS: [still laughing] Ha! Ha! Haaaaa! Ha! Ha! Did ya- ha, ha! Did you catch any of that?
BUSTER: I'm not sure.
The second actor on screen then starts to speak his lines which then all of a sudden ends with the shouting of a certain day. Buster hears the delivery and suddenly feels the laughter trying to escape from him. He tries to hold it in, but it's no use for he hears it again. The laughter then comes out of him like if it was shot out of a cannon. The two rabbits are now in stitches, on the floor and cannot breathe to save their own lives. (It's always nice when four horrible performances can bring two people together, don't you agree?) The actors on screen can now, for some reason, hear the laughter coming from the two rabbits and get irritated by it. They try to go on with their dialogue but it's no use. The first actor then gets up and actually faces the screen towards Buster and Babs.
FIRST ACTOR: [with poor accent, no doubt] Uhh, excuse me.
The rabbits stop laughing for a second and look up at the screen.
FIRST ACTOR: I am sorry if I am interrupting your enjoyment of whatever you think is amusing but if you don't mind, but we are trying to act here.
BUSTER: Yes, we are aware of that. And quite badly, I might add!
They start laughing again, which of course, only makes him even angrier.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
We get a high angle view of the theater house. Just then, a hole breaks through the roof and Buster and Babs go flying through it, screaming as they do so. Luckily, they bounce safely onto the ground which is no surprise for them. They look straight ahead thinking what the heck just happened, then turn to each other and smile. Just then, the laughter starts up again.
BABS: [laughter dies down] That was the most awful excuse for a movie I've ever seen in my life!
They begin to pick each other up as they continue talking.
BUSTER: Yeah, sorry about that. I should've read the reviews on the Stinkin' Potatoes website before I considered choosing this one.
BABS: No, that's okay. I had fun tearing it apart. But next time, let's hit the Two-Tone Cinema, okay?
BUSTER: You got it, Babsy. [looks at his watch] Well, unless some random, time-filling scene that fills up a huge chunk of the script comes in, I think it's safe to call it-
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Hey guys!
BABS: Speak of the devil.
PLUCKY DUCK, a small green duck wearing a black coat over his usual white tank top and sunglasses approaches Babs and Buster.
BUSTER: Hey, Plucky. What's with the get-up or whatever you call that?
PLUCKY: Very funny. [takes off sunglasses] Actually, in case you haven't been reading the Times lately, I just got offered a great part in some big-budget movie they're filming and me being the intelligent young mallard that I am, accepted it.
BUSTER: Well, for your information, I have been reading and I've never heard of anything like that.
PLUCKY: Ok, I'm actually a stunt double so you must've not read the correct section, but at least I'm getting somewheres with this!
BABS: Well, Plucky, I'm glad to say that that's very good news coming from a guy who takes falling anvils to the head every second just to get a laugh.
PLUCKY: [annoyed by the remark] Uh-huh. [moving on] Anyhoo, reason I actually came over here is because I'm actually having a party as a little celebration of my first job in showbiz. Interested?
BUSTER: [thinking] Well... I don't know, Pluck.
BABS: [interrupting] Sure! We'd be interesting in coming. Where is it?
PLUCKY: It's in the Acme Loo gym, right over there. [points to it]
Camera pans over to the right and we see the gym of the Acme Looniversity lit up from the inside with spotlights shooting bright lights near the entrance. Small silhouettes of people are seen moving to the blasting music of Junior Senior's "Move Your Feet" which can be heard from such a short distance away.
BABS: [to herself] Well, that was obvious.
PLUCKY: Ooh, that reminds me, I better get back. I'll see you guys over there.
He runs back to the party.
BABS: [to Buster] Well, shall we then? [holds out her arm]
BUSTER: I suppose. [puts his arm around hers]
They both walk off to the direction of the party till they're no longer in the shot.
END OF ACT I