A/N: Many thanks to Jedisapphire for her help and support.
Summary: The wall falls and Dean and Bobby are at a loss on how to help Sam.
What Faith Can Do
The wall fell. My worst nightmare became a reality. Even now, a month later, without warning I sometimes flash back to that moment like it was yesterday. All it takes is the smallest reminder from the longest 48 hours of my life and I'm back there.
It's like an instant replay with no stop option.
Sam and I were at Bobby's about to sit down to dinner. It was one of those opportunities Bobby rarely got to go all-out preparing a home-cooked meal...and the guy can cook. If the world ever became monster-free, it wouldn't be hard to picture him doing one of the cooking reality shows. Of course minus the yelling, backstabbing, and fake high school drama. Okay, cross off the yelling and add in a few idgits.
Humming quietly to himself, Bobby stood by the stove waiting for the gravy to thicken. The turkey, already carved and piled high on a plate, sat on the Kitchen counter alongside the stuffing and a huge bowl of mashed potatoes. I was busy getting the drinks for everyone while Sam grabbed the plates and silverware to set the table.
Putting down a tall glass of grape soda in front of Sam, I looked up at him to make some kind of wisecrack about his choice of beverage but had it immediately wiped from my mind.
Sam, with a look of terror on his face, was seemingly frozen in place, standing there with his hands still latched on to the stack of plates he'd placed on the table. Our eyes locked together and I knew immediately the wall had fallen. In those few seconds of panic and dread Sam managed to fill everything from his heart into one word, "Dean."
My baby brother was saying goodbye to me.
Sam unleashed a scream as he collapsed and fell. The impact was cushioned by my lunging forward and grabbing hold of him before hitting the floor. It was the most agonizing and heart-wrenching sound I've ever heard in my life and it brought Bobby in running and together we witnessed the horrific results of those memories of Hell flooding back into Sam's mind.
Endless periods of screaming, seizures , moments of unresponsive staring and conversations with others we couldn't see but identified as mainly Lucifer, continued for two days and two nights. Bobby and I managed to get Sam onto the couch after he first collapsed and contain him mainly to the living room as he battled these memories. There would be no panic room. It's own bad memories over ruled the logic of using it.
I stayed by Sam's side, sleeping only when he had those rare moments himself. Sitting beside him on the floor resting my head on his chest, the little solace and hope I had coming from the sound of Sammy's beating heart.
It was here in these quiet moments with Sam so close to me. I asked God for help. I know me and him are not on the best of terms. But Sammy, he has always believed, and that has got to mean something.
Bobby's place over time had become the new home for the Campbell Library and he spent a great deal of time searching those books, in between being online and making phone calls to any who might have a hint of how to help with Sam's situation. Bobby knew this was giving a new definition to grasping at straws but that didn't stop him.
The only time Bobby took a break was to sit with Sam when I needed to use the bathroom, step outside for a quick breath of air or just to give me a pat on the back and ask "How you doing, kiddo?" Those were the times I'd just nod, and somehow manage to get out a steady, " I'm okay," when all I wanted to do was fall apart. But I couldn't do that. I had to be strong for Sammy.
Close to midnight on the second day Sam was engaged in one of those conversations with nobody or Lucifer, one and the same if you ask me. Lucifer was taunting Sam and he obviously had found a vulnerable spot by the way my brother paced around Bobby's living room, getting angrier and increasingly more defensive with each word, unheard by us but definitely hitting home with Sammy.
It didn't take long to figure out Lucifer was using me to get to Sam. And it soon became clear by Sam's responses that Lucifer was getting to him by throwing in his face each and every time Sam needed me and I wasn't there for him and by pointing out every comment or look I gave which caused him to feel like a freak and unworthy of being loved. Lucifer even brought up my lowest, most regrettable moment: tossing the Amulet in the trash. And that I did it purposely in front of my brother to hurt him.
Lucifer was using me as a weapon against my brother and it was breaking my heart piece by piece.
Suddenly the conversation ended and for me it was a relief. But not the kind I had wanted as for the next four hours Sam went into a sequence of seizures which alternated with fits of screaming, becoming increasingly more violent. Bobby and I were helpless, having tried everything. How much more of this could my brother take? I asked Bobby that, and it was at this exact moment we both knew without saying a word we might lose Sam.
I got down on the floor and held Sam the best I could while he screamed and flailed in an agony unknown and unseen to me. Talking to him in a soothing voice as I've done often these past few days trying to calm him down but again without much success.
This time was different, however, as I could no longer stuff down my emotions or keep quiet on the things I've wanted to say. So I cried while telling Sam everything I wish I did when I knew he could hear me. That I was sorry for not being there for him when he needed me and for each time I made him feel different and like a freak and repeating over and over what I wanted to say most, "I love you Sammy, just the way you are!"
Then Sam went still in my arms. I knew he was dead. I felt the life sucked out of me, too. And I held him tight and rocked him in my arms, both of us sitting on the floor with me pleading for him not to leave me again.
My memory becomes a little fuzzy here. But I do remember Bobby kneeling by my side, I think he was crying and there was this odd glowing light coming from one corner of the living room.
But I didn't focus on it, nothing meant anything to me other than who I had in my arms. It was then that I felt the unbelievable and something no doubt I created out of my grief: Sam's presence.
But it was strong what I felt and growing stronger and then he was holding me and I thought for sure I was losing my mind until I heard Sam speak and tell me in almost a whisper,"Dean, please don't cry I'm fine." Which only made me cry even harder as only my brother after all this would say he's fine.
But Sam was right and we were at a total loss as to how! Bobby checked him over and physically there was nothing wrong, and mentally besides being exhausted he seemed fine. Sam's memories of Hell were still present but in the best way he could describe they had been drastically reduced in number and sensory wise. The deafening sounds of Hell had now become like echoes in a far reaching cave, fuzzy and vague and the vivid images of the pit reduced to mere shadows with not one image focused and clear.
Sam, sat on the couch exhausted, barely able to speak, move, or keep his eyes open.
"Sam," I said, sitting down beside him, "You really should get some rest."
"I will Dean, just need to sit here for a moment. Take it all in."
"Okay but just for a few minutes, doctors orders." I said smiling at him. "Later on after you rest there's a few things I need to say and that you need to hear from me."
"Don't worry, Dean," Sam answered. "I already know. I heard every word and it means a lot, what you said."
"How Sammy?" I couldn't comprehend Sam being able to hear a word thinking back to how he was screaming and in such agony.
"For so long in my head," Sam began explaining. "There was so much noise and confusion and pain and then it was gone. Everything became quiet like someone had hushed it so I could hear you Dean. There was this warmth and a light which seemed to be glowing that came with that quiet and then you were holding me."
I tell Sam about seeing a light too. But insist we talk about this more after he gets some rest. I didn't tell him when or where but I think one corner of the living room is where it was illuminating from.
Sam didn't put up an argument, snuggling up close to me, resting his head on my shoulder. "Dean." He said right before drifting off to sleep. "I think God heard me."
Smiling, I leaned my head back against the couch and close my eyes. " He heard us both, Sammy."
Shortly thereafter Bobby checked in on the boys and found them both sound asleep. He stood there for a moment watching them. "Idgits," he said, covering them with a blanket, stopping to study Sam, gently brushing back a tumble of hair that had fallen onto his face. "I'm glad you're okay kid."
Bobby hadn't missed that glow of light either and he went over to the corner in which it had appeared and checked around, moving things side to side, picking up a pile of odds and ends off of an end table and looking for anything odd or out of the normal. Tossing back a bunch of items he moved off a chair he heard something fall and feeling around on the rug in the dimly lit room he picked up something he'd thought he'd never see again, the Amulet. "I'll be damned," Bobby said staring at the piece of jewelry in disbelief.
Looking at the items he had moved from the chair they consisted of mainly books, some snack wrappers, a couple of pillows and Sam's jacket the place in which Bobby suspected the Amulet had fallen from. Checking it he could see the front pocket was open and the inside cinched. "Sam, you are full of surprises. Thank God you picked this out of the trash and seriously, God. Thank you! For my boys, that they are together, one isn't alive without the other but then you already know that."
Bobby wanted to wake the boys up immediately, to tell them about the Amulet glowing and God making an appearance but when he saw the two of them sleeping so peacefully, Sam curled up in Dean's embrace he figured it could wait.
"Aren't you two a picture" he said with the greatest affection, grasping the Amulet tightly in his hand, knowing this would be a most welcome bit of news and the sunrise was only a couple of hours away.