Once upon a time, there were some girls who wanted to be newsies but they were girls and they lived in the year 2002. They saw a book called the 12 step program to becoming an 1899 newsboy so they bought it even though it had 3 full pages of writing and they knew perfectly well that it had to have more than 12 easy seps. They got home, opened the book, and proceeded to follow the steps exactly to the letter. Ten years later, a copy of an old New York newspaper was found in their old house under a faded book. They were never heard from again. A day after that, their mothers sat down and read the newspaper and they found out that it was authentic. Then they picked up the book and began to read. . . .


Step 1. Admit that you have a problem.

2. Realize that that was the wrong program handbook.

3. Find a Time Machine.

4. Try to work Time Machine.

5. Kick time machine because it doesn't right.

6. Hire someone to fix time machine because it broke when you kicked it.

7. Realize that you still can't work it.

8. Hire someone to tell you how to work it.

9. Turn machine on and push red button.

10. Realize there is no gas.

11. Fill the tank.

12. Realize that it dosen't run on unleaded.

13. Empty tank.

14. Find Hampster.

15. Find duct tape.

16. Duct tape hampster into gas tank.

17. Turn time machine on and push red button.

18. Realize you forgot to set a date.

19. Return to step 17.

20. Open door and get out in 1899.

21. Realize that you are in the middle of the ocean.

22. Swim.

23. Get back in time machine and shut the door.

24. Push the yellow button that will extend flippers from the back of the time machine.

25. Drive to shore.

27. Get out.

28. Wonder why this is called a 12-step program.

29. Wonder why there was no step 26.

30. Wonder if perhaps the person who titled it was dyslexsic.

31. Realize that that can't be because then it would be called the 21- step program and we are already on step 31.

32. Throw down handbook and kick it because it doesn't work right.

33. Try to find Brooklyn or Mannhatten.

34. Get lost.

35. Ask pigeon for directions.

36. Kick pigeon for not working right.

37. Yell at stray cat to take you to it's leader.

38. Suddenly find yourself in a mental institution.

39. Realize that it is the Brooklyn mental institution. Yay! You've made it!

40. Realize that you're in a mental institution.

41. Try to kick your head for not working right.

42. Wonder again why this is called a 12-step program.

43. Try to climb out of building through window.

44. Kick window for not working right.

44. Escape out of newly broken window.

45. Realize that there were two step 44's.

46. Find the Brooklyn Newsboys Lodging House.

47. Go in.

48. Find Spot Conlon.

49. Become a Newsboy.

50. Make friends with Spot, Race, and Mush.

51. Involve yourself in the strikes without actually being seen in the flickers.

52. Burn down the mental institution than decide that it's time to go home.

53. Realize that you've lost the Time Machine.

54. Fine the Time Machine.

55. Realize that you had left the hampster in the gas tank the whole time that you've been here. Bad Hampster.

56. Find a new Hampster.

57. Get your things together.

58. Say goodbye to Spot, Race, and Mush.

59. Go home.

60. Realize that you've left your teddy bear, Mr. Fuzzy-Bearkins, in 1899 and you must have him with you to go on with your life.

61. Wonder what possessed you to try this 12 step handbook when you knew perfectly well that with three solid pages of writing that it had to have more than twelve steps and why it was called a 12- step program anyways, darn it.

62. Return to step 1.

The mothers looked at each other and sighed. They realized that step 62 sealed tha fate of their daughters. They put up the book and the paper and said their final goodbyes to the memories of their daughters before going shopping to buy a book they'd heard about called SO YOU WANT TO BE A MID-EVIL QUEEN IN TEN EASY STEPS. . . .