The 'Death' of Pinkie Pie
"Guess what?" Fluttershy sounded unusually excited. She had never been excited before in her entire life. Twilight and Rainbow Dash exchanged confused glances.
"I'm finally gonna take the SAT! My life dream is to go to University of Louisville and major in Calculus. I have to go take the SAT in a few minutes!" Fluttershy was off toward some kind of school building thingie to take the SAT. Twilight and Rainbow told Rarity, who went to go tell Applejack, who went to go tell Pinkie Pie. I said, Applejack, who went to go tell Pinkie Pie! Uh oh, something's wrong here. They looked all over, but couldn't find her.
Pinkie Pie was off in her own world, wearing her tank top, suddenly remembering that she was gonna wear her new shirt that she bought at Hot Topic. She couldn't show herself in public like that in front of her friends, and she couldn't change her clothes until the day's end or else it would wear out the washing machine. She was in quite a pickle. Was she just supposed to stay in her room all day? But then she would starve to death and miss out on removing body waste, eventually exploding. She didn't want to kill herself either. She was screwed, unless...
Her plan was to mail herself to Princess Celestia by stuffing herself in an envelope and have Spike mail her to Princess Celestia, where she would fake her own death. First she prepared a suicide note. After she was done writing it, she stuffed herself inside an envelope. Now she played the waiting game.
She woke up to find herself in Princess Celestia's place.
"I swear to God if you tell anyone I'm alive..." Pinkie Pie said through gritted teeth.
"My lips are sealed," the beautiful princess assured her softly.
"Dear Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. By the time you are reading this, I have committed suicide. I just don't want to be a part of this cruel, cruel world anymore!" Twilight was reading aloud, tears streaming down her face. "Oh, I just don't know what to do anymore!" She sobbed. "And since Fluttershy isn't here, I'm gonna have to break her heart! Oh God, it's gonna be so hard. So much pain!" The ponies and Spike huddled together, crying for a solid 20 minutes.
"Human, human, human human. HUMAN!" The test proctor was giving out the instructions. Fluttershy was handed her test booklet and began filling in bubbles. The instructions were fairly intuitive.
"I know I'm gonna get a perfect score!" Oh wait, she didn't say that, she THOUGHT that. Everyone knows you ain't s'posed 2 talk during tests! Gah! She knew very well that she was filling in the correct answers. Then the unthinkable happened. She accidentally dropped her pencil. How am I gonna pick it up? I have hooves, not hands! She couldn't ask anyone to pick it up for her because she was too shy. If anyone who's reading this has Asperger's, you probably understand the feeling she has of not being able to talk to anyone near her.
"Human, human, human," One of the humans in the room said to one another. One of the humans nodded in agreement.
"Human, human, human, human, human," another person said. Fluttershy was scared to ask someone to pick up her pencil for her because she couldn't talk to anyone but her pony friends.
"HUMAN, HUMAN!" The test proctor called. Everyone put their pencils down. Fluttershy guessed that he meant that time was up. She couldn't believe her luck. That's cuz she had none. If only she had hands. Then she wouldn't have to ask any of the fellow humans to pick up her pencil for her.
When she got back, she had an angry look on her face. "My friends will cheer me up." But her pony friends and Spike all looked and sounded depressed. Twilight came up to her.
"It's Pinkie Pie. She's dead," pain stabbed every word. "You'll never see her again."
"NOOOO!" Fluttershy wailed. Hot steamy tears filled her eyes. She felt like she could cry forever. "Pinkie Pie was so young and pretty. If you put her in a room full of ponies, she would stand out as the pretty one."
"Ahem," Rarity cleared her throat strategically.
When she finally got her SAT scores back, she got a big fat stinkin F. Yup. She did so bad, she actually failed. Fluttershy told them the story of how her test went.
"Fluttershy, I think you might have Asperger Syndrome," Applejack said.
"What? Is that where it looks like I have burgers hanging out my ass?" Fluttershy was confuzzled.
"Asperger's is a disease that can be spread via a virus, similar to cancer and Parkinson's, but the virus eats up the social button of your brain, thus, why it gets to be known as a communication disorder. They say it's not a disease but more like a difference in the way the brain is wired, but that's like saying the same thing about swine flu," Twilight preached. "There is a vaccine, but unfortunately it's hidden somewhere in Afghanistan and parts of Israel, and Ponyville and Equestria are all the way somewhere in Maryland. We'd have to travel a long way."
Fluttershy spent all night reading about and researching Asperger's. She was intrigued in much the same way that a cat is intrigued by an object resembling a mouse's tail. Everyone looks down on me because I officially have Asperger's now. I wanna set out to defy every known Aspie trait and stereotype.
Fluttershy surprised her pony friends by showing up in a low cut spaghetti strap top that bared part of her midriff, skinny jeans, smoking a cigarette, and bearing tattoos of Satanic things and things related to death metal. She was holding a copy of Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. She was also riding a motorcycle.
"BITCHES!" She yelled. Twilight (the pony I mean) knew something was wrong when she saw her friend with a Twilight book. She and her friends know that Twilight sucks. Yup. Her trans4m8n wuz complete. "I never use literal language, and I see a beast with seven heads and ten horns, and he's gonna strike down all the nations with the sword of his mouth. Work sucks. Party EVERY FRIGGIN DAY! SCREW YOU LAME-O's" she laughed as she sped away on her airplane, or whatever the hell I said she was riding before. I forget.
She rode around town on one very pressing mission in particular: to defy her Aspie nature as hard as possible. And she did that by hitting on random guys and going out on a million dates. On more than one occasion, she found herself cheating on the guys she was supposed to be with. Suddenly she found a fangirl eying her book intently.
"Oh. my. God! That's Twilight by Stephanie Meyer! That is the best book ever! Can I have it?"
"No, but I have a friend named Twilight. Go bother her for a while."
Twilight and her posse were minding their own business, chatting with the only male pony ever on Applejack's farm. Twilight licked Applejack exactly seven times.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Applejack snapped.
"You don't look or taste like apples. Therefore, you are an applejack," Twilight commented. Twilight's jaw dropped down to Hades as she saw a bunch of excited fan-girls speeding toward her.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" they squealed excitedly. Twilight ran away.
"Help me, Sandy Cheeks!"
"Eh?" Applejack tipped her head to one side.
"Sorry. I meant you, Applejack. After watching so many episodes of Spongebob, I keep wanting to call you Sandy."
As she was running from the squealing Twilight fan-girls, she passed by Pinkie Pie's place, suddenly remembering how much she missed her. And then she started feeling hungry. So she got a pair of garden shears and cut off the pinky fingers of all the Twilight fan-girls, baked a pie, and put the pinky fingers into it. She kissed it.
"My new pinky pie. I will never eat you, ever! You will be pinkie's permanent replacement since she is dead and will find no pony like her." She then remembered that her friends must be remembering where she was, so she hid the pie inside a Calculus book and went to rejoin her clique. Fluttershy had come back, and she was back to her old self.
"I got an account on WrongPlanet just to troll and I decided the anti-Aspie lifestyle lost its thrill when I posted all sorts of blasphemous and racist remarks out the wazoo."
"You can't deny your own self," Twilight made a sound come out of a hole in her head. "And whatever you do, DO NOT post anywhere on the internet that you have Aspergers, unless it's a site like WrongPlanet, or else people will think you're using it as an excuse to be trollin. Dem haterz gonna hate."
"I didn't know you spoke German. Anyway, thanks!" Fluttershy was off. I just got an idea to get the remaining badness out of my system. "HEY EVERYBODY, I AM A TERRORIST!" she screamed in the middle of the town square. A police officer came to arrest her. "Don't bother, I have Asperger's."
"Yeah, that's what they all say," the officer grumbled.
"Just like they all say the economy is bad." Fluttershy countered. The officer did not have a suitable counterargument. And it was true. Ever since they didn't use currency in the Pony world somewhere in Maryland, which was like forever, the economy started going downhill. I could get away with anything as long as I use Asperger's as an excuse. Her plan didn't work. She ended up in jail. Good news? There were no barred walls or doors because of recent budget cuts, and they figured that criminals would have enough conscience to not break out on their own even though there was nothing stopping them. Uhhh, yeah.
So she stays in her cell, wishing for a way out even though it's painfully obvious and by now she was the only inmate. "Aw hell, I'm busting out of here." So she did.
When she got home, she was hungry. "Oh good, Twilight baked a pie." Twilight was eating her pinky pie, and just before she took the last bite, she remembered something.
"I wasn't supposed to eat this! It was supposed to be the replacement for our dead friend!" She was sharing it with Spike and before he was done, he started feeling violently ill. He threw up. Since he's the barfing mailbox and since Pinkie Pie was hiding out with Princess Celestia...
"How did I end up here? Ewww, I'm covered in barf." Pinkie Pie complained.
"YOU'RE ALIVE? So you faked your own death? But why?" Someone wanted to know. Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and began explaining.
"I had bought a new shirt because I wanted to help the economy recover, and I wanted to flaunt my curves in it, but I accidentally put on my tank top instead, and I am very self conscious in it. Rather than face the world while wearing it in front for all to see since I a extrovert, I decided to fake my own death, since I always wear the same shirt from the am to the pm no matter what. Any questions?" No one raised their hooves. They understood perfectly.