I don't own Chuck et al.

Warning – Character death involved. But you knew that already...

This AU is all jaytoyz damned idea. He issued a challenge, and damned it if I didn't actually THINK about it.

AND, I'm breaking my own word. I swore I would never have a Shawfic. But when I started writing it, this was SO much fun.

Chuck vs. The Unnecessarily Violent And Gruesome Death Of Daniel Shaw.

"It's about damn time"

D. Beckman.

Preliminary review into the death of S.A. Daniel Shaw

Clearance required – Level 8 Blue.

Eyes only. Do not copy. Eyes only. Do not copy. Eyes only. Do not copy.

Destroy after reading. Destroy after reading. Destroy after reading.

Distribution – Brig. General D. Beckman (USAF)

Date: (Redacted)


As per your request, a review has been initiated into the death of the Special Agent, code named 'Daniel Shaw.'

Initial investigation indicates all members of team (redacted) are involved in Shaw's death to some degree. This includes Shaw himself.

In standard manner, Shaw began re-building team moral. One of these means was to provide coffee for the team members on base.

The coffee was purchased at a nearby and previously vetted delicatessen – "Lou's." Aside from a previous investigation, and cause of the above mentioned vetting, which involved processed and dried imported meats, Lou's is innocent of any wrong doing in Shaw's death.

However, it is because of the coffee that Shaw is dead.

One member of the team is unable to be a regular at the base. Agent (redacted)'s cover requires him to work at the nearby Buy More (see Note 1 - attached). While Agent (redacted) was not a regular receiver of the coffee, he did potentially lead Agent Walker to understand that the coffee was more than a moral building exercise. It does not appear this is out of any ill feelings over not being a regular recipient of the coffee.

Agent Walker (see Note 2 – attached) at first was not aware of the coffee as a team builder, and was led to understand that Special Agent Shaw wished to pursue a romantic relationship with her. Agent Walker mentions an item commonly known as a 'swizzle stick.' Only Agent Walker received these 'swizzle sticks' from Shaw. This may have further led to Shaw's death.

The swizzle sticks were potentially laced with a neurotoxin favored by Agent Walker. Agent Walker, as do a lot of agents in our community, often carries items that appear as harmless, everyday items that can be used by a trained agent as an instrument of their trade. One such set Agent Walker carried were (and still are); a set of hair pins, tipped with a substance that Agent Walker reported that 'her boyfriend' called it Fake-a-death-anol (see Note 3). Agent Walker reports that Shaw brought these swizzle sticks for her as he'd observed her 'chewing on a pen' and thought they would make a suitable substitute.

During the investigation, no pens were found to have any teeth marks.

Fifty seven swizzle sticks were found to have traces of the toxin, the others were probably disposed of in external trash by Shaw himself. Agent Walker admits the toxin may have contaminated the swizzle sticks when she used them to scratch her head, and then place them on the desk, well away from her coffee.

Lt Colonel J. Casey (USMC) cannot be held in anyway responsible for the thirty seven times the video log shows him passing over one of Agent Walker's swizzle sticks, as Shaw is seen to pick them up himself (see Note 4) over forty recorded times.

The toxin on the swizzle sticks did not kill Shaw. As the semi-humorous name suggests, 'Fake-a-death-anol' is used to simulate death – and can be used by agents to indicate to foreign agents that they are dead. Or used as an improvised method to hold prisoners when normal means are not appropriate. Shaw collapsed in the lot outside base (redacted) between vehicles (see Note 5), and lay unseen for an estimated seven hours in direct sunlight (see Note 6).

Special Agent Shaw was alive and fully conscious for that whole time, unable to move or make any sound.

Two local civilians attached to Agent (redacted)'s cover job had inadvertently used the incorrect vehicle – known as a Nerd Herder. The Herder that civilians Patel and Barnes used was the one nominally reserved for Agent (redacted). As such, we have video footage of Barnes and Patel accidentally drive over Shaw. And then in a panic, back up over him again. And then in a further panic drive over him a further three times – making five in total. From their reactions this was completely accidental, and compounded by Shaw's hidden position, as well as the desire of Barnes (in particular) and Patel to drive to an establishment called 'Bennigans' for an install of some description – not specified, possibly computer related owing to the nature of their job. Apparently they expected the install to take some time owing to its complexity.

Special Agent Shaw was still alive at this time, although Patel and Barnes could not possible know this. Apparently Barnes has had some experience of a similar nature. The video shows him stating, "Awww. Not another one. We need the dumpster on (redacted)"

Special Agent Shaw then lay for another six hours in a dumpster behind the Fook Yuen Chinese restaurant (see Note 7). It would appear that local gang(s) found his body, and assuming he was dead, used his body for target practice using both knife throwing and hand gun. The more than one hundred injuries from the throwing knives hit no vital organs, and the same with the thirty six shots from a handgun estimated to be a .45 calibre (see Note 8). No valid reason can be found for the traces of adhesive tape on his eyelids. It was almost as if the gang members had taped his eyes open so he could watch the inept target practice.

Special Agent Shaw's actual cause of death was when his body was placed in one of the (redacted) Tar Pits (see Note 9), where his body was discovered when members of team (redacted), on a morning picnic – coincidentally, set up by S.A. Shaw as a moral building exercise, observed that his hair was still visible.

Further formal investigation may be needed, but initial investigation leads this analyst to conclude that Special Agent Shaw died by misadventure.

Signed: (redacted)

Appendix and Notes

Note 1 – General, are you sure Agent (redacted) is really an agent? I've seen civilian assets dangled off tall buildings with stronger nerves than this 'agent.' Having said that, (redacted)'s heroism, recorded in Note 2 (below), should be on record.

Note 2 – Agent Walker may well be compromised over the death of Special Agent Shaw, and may be now ineffective as a field agent. After his death, Agent Walker would often seek seclusion in a supply closet on base. Only Agent (redacted) would be able to talk her out. And that was only after being locked in there with her. On three documented occasions this took over two hours. Twice for three hours. From the sounds, she could get quite physical and vocal. I should note that (redacted) deserves recognition for this, as Agent Walker can be somewhat intimidating. Lt Colonel Casey would actively find "the moron" (as Lt Col Casey refers to (redacted) in a show of military affection) when these situations occurred, and refuse to involve himself, claiming he was allergic to a medical condition he called 'ladyfeelings.'

Note 3 – 'Fake-a-death-anol' is not a recorded or approved title for any CIA neurotoxin. As Agent Walker said her 'boyfriend' called it that, it is probable she calls it this to honor him. The 'boyfriend' is presumed to be Shaw, as by the time of his death the pair had been seen together under non-mission specific situations. However, all surviving members of Team (redacted) refer to the toxin by this name.

Note 4 – Special Agent Shaw often seemed to have a ritual in picking these swizzle sticks up. If Agent Walker was not in sight (as is the case in all but forty two occasions recorded), he would smell, and then lick the swizzle stick. General, you may need to remind the operational staff of base (redacted) that they need to review their own recordings more carefully, as Shaw's ritual came as a surprise to all.

Note 5– Preliminary forensic investigation leads us to conclude that the vehicle to the north of Shaw's initial collapse was a large, older American made vehicle. Wheel base and tire impressions indicate a Ford LTD of some kind. The vehicle to the south was possibly an imported vehicle, a BMW or (less likely) a Porsche. Again, this is based on wheel base and tire indications. Shaw's own ecologically sound Tesla had been vandalised with the word "douche" spelled out in three separate colors of paintballs. The spacing indicates that the shooter(s) had weapons training.

Note 6 – Medical report (preliminary and reported verbally in non-technical terms) by Dr D Woodcomb's estimate of the length of time Special Agent Shaw spent exposed to the direct sun while in the lot is based on the level of sunburn and blistering. As a side effect of the toxin, Dr Woodcomb estimates that Shaw suffered tremendous thirst, and as a result of his prolonged exposure to the toxin had developed a number of kidney stones. Autopsy revealed one of these had lodged in his urethra, and so Shaw must have had some difficulty urinating for quite some time. Dr Woodcomb stated that, "the poor man lay there fully aware, burning, thirsty and literally bursting to pee. Not awesome."

Note 7 – When asking the operator for assistance in finding the contact details of the Fook Yuen restaurant, enunciate very carefully or they will hang up on you. And will then call the police.

Note 8 – The hand gun's calibre can only be estimated as, owing to the obviously poor aim of the gang member, not a single bullet hole was found in the body of Shaw. Every single bullet wound was a graze. Approximately one third of the knife (and some bullet) wounds are located in the area found between his navel and mid-thigh.

Note 9 – Special Agent Shaw's still living body was placed feet first into the middle of the Tar Pit, where it took four hours for him to eventually submerge, and die from suffocation as a result of his airways sinking below the surface of the tar. Placement of S.A. Shaw into the middle of the Pit is worth noting. There seems to be no way to get to the middle of the pit without sinking into the pit yourself. FAA records show no helicopter movement in the area at all.