Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot to this story and my OCs. The rest all belongs to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, the various songwriters, and to the writers of any joke that may not be mine.
The PSA belongs to the dudes at RoosterTeeth Productions
Mitchell belongs to ZeroBen. Check his stories out, they are awesome.
"Okay, Mitchell, Noah," Rachel said, "I need you two stand right there."
The two boys stepped in front of the camera on the campus green of McKinley High School.
"IS EVERYBODY READY?" Rachel shouted through a megaphone, causing Tina leap into air, learning a valuable lesson of going near Rachel when she was in director mode.
The rest of the crew, camera in hands, raised their hands. Rachel switched on the first camera, Puck turned to Mitchell.
"And go," she instructed.
Mitchell and Puck appeared on the camera, though they seemed more interested in the conversation they
"What's this for again?" he asked.
"You know," Mitchell said, "it's for that thing at the Pavilion tonight, they're showing all that cool web stuff."
Puck arched an eyebrow at Mitchell. "They're showing web stuff in a theater…?" he asked. "Aren't you supposed to steal stuff from movie theaters and then put it on the internet? They've got it backwards."
"Just follow my lead," Mitchell whispered.
Rachel switched off the camera and furrowed her brow at her friends. Mitchell and Puck turned to her.
"What?" the Mohawked boy asked.
"Stick to the script," Rachel said. "Okay, once again, go."
She turned the camera on again.
"Hi," Mitchell greeted merrily, "my name is Mitchell Mason, from the McKinley High glee club. Welcome to the McKinley High's First Annual Wild, Wild Web Program."
"I would just like to say, that we did not help come up with that name," Puck quipped.
"Puck…" Rachel growled from behind the camera.
"Seriously, Berry," Puck argued. "Why not just call it the Incredible-Edible Internet?"
"Shut up," Rachel ordered. "You're gonna get us tossed off this thing."
"It on-line-eriffic!" Puck exclaimed mockingly.
"Just say the lines!" Rachel roared.
"Fine," Puck groaned, turning attention back to the camera. "We realize that a lot of you are here tonight because you've never heard of this crazy thing called 'the internet'."
Mitchell took over, "If you or someone you know is thinking about using the internet, we've prepared the following primer, to teach you how the internet is different from the real world."
The camera switched to:
Meeting New People: Real Life
Mike in the choir room, he was talking to Tina, who seemed interested in his advance.
"Well, it was," he seemed to fumbled, "it was really great to meet you."
"It was really great to meet you too," Tina said, blushing.
"Would you mind if I," he shrugged, "called you later?"
"Sure," Tina answered, giggling.
Meeting New People: Internet
The scene changed again, this time Kurt was sitting where Tina once was.
"So big boy," Kurt said flirtatiously, "I'm from…"
"You're not a girl," Mike said.
"What?" Kurt asked. "'Course I am!"
"A real girl?" Mike pressed.
The doors of the music room flung open, revealing Jack Harmon, who was shouting at the top of his lungs, "WHO'S A GIRL? I LIKE GIRLS!"
Mike turned to the door, "Shut up, you!"
He turned back to the 'computer' as Kurt replied to his earlier question.
"Yes," Kurt said, "I am really a girl. Hee-hee-hee…" he giggled that awkward laugh he does at the worst possible.
Mike weighed the possibility of hitting on a man. After giving it careful consideration, he came up with the perfect plan.
"Send me naked pictures."
The room was quiet.
"… … Okay," Kurt finally said.
Jack reappeared in the room, still in a mood to impersonate Gerard Butler in 300, "I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE. DOES ANYONE ELSE LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE?" Nothing. "… SHE'S GOT ENORMOUS LIPS!"
The primer switched again:
Checking Your Mail: Real Life
Mitchell flipped through the mail outside of his house. "Bills, bills, bills, coupon…Great," he sighed.
He shrugged as the scene changed again:
Checking Your Mail: Internet
Mitchell stood in the music room when Mike raced up to him.
"Pardon me, my friend," he said, "but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can't spell 'Nigerian'." Beat. "Or 'Royalty'."
Brittany appeared next, "Would you like to refinance your home?" she asked. "Mortgage rates have never been lower!"
Puck raced up to Mitchell. "Hey, Mitchell! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you."
"WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS?" Jack shouted. "WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES!"
"You could put it in escrow!" Brittany recommended.
Going Shopping: Real Life
Mitchell stood next to Brittany.
"$12.99 for that Creed CD, please," she requested.
Mitchell smiled and pantomimed handing her the money, "Here you go."
"Have a nice day!" Brittany said brightly, mimicking his actions with the 'CD'.
Going Shopping: Internet
"Does anyone have the new Creed CD?" Puck asked, looking around the music room.
"I have it," Mitchell said.
"Give it to me, right now," Puck ordered, not noticing how dirty the line sounded.
"Give it to you?" Mitchell asked. "Why would I do that?"
"You're not giving it to me!" Completely oblivious to it. "Give it to me faster!"
"Wait, that's illegal," was Mitchell response.
"No, it isn't!" Puck argued. "I don't want it to be illegal, therefore it isn't. And that's the way it works."
"CREED SUCKS!" Mitchell and Puck turned to see Mike standing by the door. "I hate you, and I hate the bands you like!"
They exchanged looks as the scene changed to:
Partying With Friends: Real Life
Music filled the room, streamers flying over head, and people dancing with reckless abandon.
"This is a great party!" Mitchell declared.
"Yeahh!" Puck shouted. "Whoo! All right!"
Partying With Friends: Internet
The room was now empty, the streamers gone and music silent.
"Hey, where is everybody?" Mitchell asked.
Puck shrugged. "I guess they're all masturbating."
Mitchell looked at his watch; turning to Puck seemed just as bored.
"Well," the Jewish teen commented, "I'll see ya later, dude. I'm gonna go masturbate."
Puck dashed out of the room.
"Okay…" Mitchell walked over to a chair, "see ya."
Discussing Politics: Real Life
Out on the campus green, Jack and Mitchell were locked in a fierce political debate.
"Look," Mitchell was firm in his stance, "that's just the way I feel about it."
Jack raised his hands in concession. "Well, I disagree," he said, "but I respect your opinion."
Discussing Politics: Internet
In the HarmCo VR room, explosions peppered the ground and walls, VR bullets flying through the air.
"You deserve to die!" Mitchell bellowed in an out-of-character. "Die, and go to Hell and burn!"
"Oh yeah!" Jack countered. "Well, I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you'll feel different! Jerk!"
The shooting and explosions continued as Puck raced in the middle of the battle, ducking under Jack firing a shotgun at him.
"We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction!" he exclaimed. "We just need to want to find them! That's the way it works!"
Mike joined the fray, throwing grenades at the others. "My parents voted for Nader! We hate everyone!"
Rachel appeared in the chaos, trying to get everyone's attention.
"Would you like to change your home page to MoveOn dot Org?" Her voice was drowned out by the explosion.
She dove for cover, the battle getting closer and closer to her. Santana appeared in the room, a seductive smile on her face.
"Politics makes me soooo horny," she confessed. "Check out my webcam pics at Presidential Sluts dot com!"
The website flashed on the screen as the scene changed back to the campus green, just as it started with Puck and Mitchell standing in front of the camera.
"So just remember," Mitchell advised, "the internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared."
"How do you recommend they prepare?" Puck asked.
"I don't know," Mitchell shrugged. "Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice."
Puck laughed proudly at teaching something about quips to his follow glee clubber.
"Thanks for watching, everybody," Puck said. "Now let's all go home and masturbate."
"Puck!" Mitchell shouted.
Rachel turned off the camera, the recorder still on. The tiny diva let out a frustrated scream, asking herself the all important question:
"Why the HELL do I keep trying to make these things?"
A/N: Well, I hope you all had fun reading this one cause it was one my favorites. In fact, this was the very first RvB vid I watched after I saw the first 8 episodes and I loved it. So, tell me what you thought of the story?
Let's Go to the Movies is the next PSA I plan on doing, so Gone Rampant and Cola-Flavoured-Sherbert, hands off.