AN: This lacks a beta of any kind, so any mistakes or errors are totally all mine. I typically and strangely enjoy first person POV writing, so this is a bit new for me so bear with me and as I continue I will make adjustments as I notice them and try to keep things as in tune as possible.
The song is called "Dancing On My Own" from the artist Robyn. Seriously, go listen to it.
I do not own the rights to the song nor to Grey's Anatomy because if I did, I'd certainly not be a struggling college student to say the least.
Addison Forbes Montgomery was never one to wallow in any sort of negative emotion. It was something she viewed as beneath her and she had told herself she would never indulge in it no matter the emotions that a situation presented itself with. But tonight, that's exactly what she was doing while sitting in a far corner of Joe's nursing her third dirty martini.
The atmosphere inside the Emerald City Bar was a lively one. After all, it was a Friday night and many people had just gotten off of their shifts at Seattle Grace and were looking for a place to unwind before heading home. Addison watched as people came through the door so often that she lost count of how many had entered. She tossed back the remainder of her martini and eyed Joe at the bar, indicating she was ready for a fourth. He nodded in understanding as he mixed together her drink before weaving his way to her secluded corner.
"Alright, here you go," he said, placing the preferred drink against the hardwood surface towards Addison's waiting hand. Deftly he removed the empty glass and gave her a questioning look, indicating he was curious about her current demeanor.
"I'm fine, Joe. It's just been a rough day swooping back in here to work a case when I haven't been back since I left. I never gave this place a second thought," she confessed, the alcohol working against her as she let slip part of the reason for her less than stellar mood. Although, it was only partially true since she had given it a second thought. She wasn't that drunk to spill what was actually the root of her current state of mind. Maybe another drink or two she'd end up making a bad decision, but it was something she was willing to deal with if and when the time came for it. But right now all Addison wished to do was sit in the corner and drink before the time came to retreat to her hotel room. Alone.
Joe regarded the pensive doctor for a moment before nodding his silent understanding to leave the issue alone. Though he thought of himself as a very good listener, he knew when to back off and leave a patron to their own musing; providing drinks as needed until a limit had been reached, of course. He backed away from the table and went behind to the bar to take other orders from people who were patiently waiting for his return. Giving one last glance at Addison in the corner, he shook his head to clear his thoughts and returned to his paying customers.
Addison watched as Joe walked away towards the bar but failed to notice his last look in her direction as her gaze fell upon the group who had just entered the bar. She looked down at her martini before deciding to gulp the rest of it down in one fell swoop before placing it back on the table a bit harder than she had intended. Addison ran a shaky hand through her hair, mussing it up and leaving it looking a bit ruffled. At this rate, she didn't care how she looked as she came to a decision. Her next move involved blowing off some steam to the pulsing music thumping throughout the bar.
Before this could happen she wound her way through the throng of people and squeezed herself in at the bar before quickly ordering a shot of vodka as Joe made his rounds across the bar. He poured the clear liquid into the waiting shot glass before moving to returning customers. The shot glass was emptied in no time at all as Addison quickly returned it to the counter with several bills to pay her tab before she moved through the crowd once again. This time the impromptu dance floor that was currently occupied by a numerous amount of people was her end goal.
The hope that dancing would help clear Addison's mind and become a welcomed cathartic release was just what she was looking for to avoid the possibility of running into the people she was hoping wouldn't notice her. Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd were two people she had hoped to be away from the most with her short stay in Seattle. It's not that she wasn't over the whole Derek and Meredith thing, because she most certainly had come to terms with that whole fiasco long ago. What bothered her most were the feelings she had started to develop towards one of the two, with the object of her feelings not being her charming ex-husband.
Feelings for Derek's dirty mistress were never supposed to enter the picture, yet here she was, trying to find a release from the thoughts and emotions that had plagued her since the divorce. Nothing about this situation made much sense to Addison when she actually thought about it. She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment where she had begun having feelings for Meredith and the more she tried to ignore them they would rear their ugly head and become more prominent in her thoughts. So rather than fight it she would let the sway of her hips and her dancing consume her for the moment to allow an escape from the confines of her caged mind.
Feeling the pulsating beat pump through her body, Addison continued to dance without care, her arms and body taking on a life of their own as she felt the heat of the crowd around her. Hearing the subtle transition into a new song, Addison slowed her movements down to get a feel for the music and catch the intro to the lyrics if the song had any.
Somebody said you got a new friend.
Does she love you better than I can?
There's a big black sky over my town.
I know where you at, I bet she's around.
Yeah, I know it's stupid.
But I just got to see it for myself.
Addison adjusted her dancing to the tempo of the unfamiliar song. The slightly upbeat and electronic pop sound filling the bar as the dance floor began turning into a solid mass of movement as she continued to listen to the lyrics over the buzz of the crowd. Giving her hips more sway and her arms gaining new life until she felt her body falter at both the lyrics and the scene that was unfolding right in front of her.
I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her (oh, oh, oh).
I'm right over here, why can't you see me? (oh, oh, oh).
I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home (oh, oh, oh).
I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own).
As the refrain played and Addison's body found a slower groove she stared across the dance floor at Derek and Meredith. They had both joined the dancing on the floor opposite Addison and were oblivious to her perfect position in the corner watching their movements unfold right before her eyes. She watched as Derek snaked his arms around Meredith's waist while she positioned her arms around Derek's neck and each moved closer to the other while oblivious to those around them. It was like they were in their own little world and Addison felt the jealousy rise up like bile in her throat. Once again she was on the outside looking in.
'This is such a perfect song for this exact moment. I should just go and relieve myself of this torture before it becomes too much. B-But I can't. She's just as beautiful as I remember, if not more than before. Jesus, get a hold of yourself, Addison! She's completely head over heels for Derek and you're wasting away pining over her when you've got no chance in hell. Great, now I'm talking to myself', Addison thought, feeling her mind spinning in circles at everything running through it. Shaking her head and her thoughts, Addison threw herself into the music, letting the words wash over her as her hands raised up to mingle in her hair and let her body follow the beat.
I'm just gonna dance, all night.
I'm all messed up; I'm so out of line.
Stilettos and broken bottles,
I'm spinning around in circles.
Laughing at the irony of the lyrics, Addison continued putting all her effort into keeping her body moving. Glancing over at the edge of the floor, Derek and Meredith were still absorbed with one another. His hands seemed to be all over her when in reality they were just resting at her hips. But it's still enough to make Addison feel another pang of jealousy wishing those were her hands upon Meredith's hips holding their bodies together and not his. This moment was starting to get to Addison and she knew it. The mixture of alcohol, her emotions, and the scene in front of her were quickly unraveling her already tenuous hold on her actions and state of mind.
So far away but still so near.
The lights go on, the music dies.
But you don't see me standing here.
I just came to say goodbye.
So far away but still so near is exactly how Addison felt out there on the dance floor watching the intimate moment between Derek and Meredith. Hearing the refrain repeating itself a few times she decided to close her eyes and softly sway until the song reached its end and trying to rope in her emotions. But her façade was cracking quicker than she could put it back together. Knowing what she wanted was right there in front of her but unable to bring herself to act on it was too much, especially considering the amount of respect she held for Meredith. She couldn't bring herself to destroy another relationship, even if she was partially to blame for her own self-destruction when it came to her and Derek's marriage. Clasping her hand over her mouth and fighting the wave of tears and emotions that were about to burst her carefully constructed dam, Addison rushed from the dance floor needing an exit like her lungs needed air to breathe and never looked back. It was already far too painful to keep perpetuating her mind's current vicious circle.
In Addison's haste to leave she never noticed the pair of sad cobalt eyes that had followed her for most of the night and were currently watching her retreating form hastily leaving the bar.