You Have No Idea...
Summary: A cop leaves L.A. to get away from strange happenings and lands in Sunnydale. Well, I hope it's funny. I tried…
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You Have No Idea...
"Officer Adrian Jameson, your new partner, Officer Kait Craig."
Craig smiled and shook Jameson's hand. "Hi..." she said softly.
He nodded. "Welcome to Sunnydale. Office is this way."
"Thanks." She smiled and followed him through the police-station.
"So, Captain Locke says you're from L.A. originally?" he asked, pouring two cups of coffee.
She nodded. "Hey, thanks. Can't start the day without a few cups of Java."
"What brings you to Sunnydale?"
She shrugged and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "You know, the usual. Got sick of all the big-city hassles. Gangs, drugs, cults... then you have the weird crap."
Jameson glanced up at her with a crooked smile. "You left L.A. and moved to Sunnydale to get away from the weird crap?"
She nodded. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
He shook his head. "You really have no idea?"
She shook her head, frowning uncertainly.
"Oh, you poor kid." Jameson did his best not to laugh.
Craig frowned. "Not liking the sound of that. What is it? Gangs? Drugs?"
"Depends on who you ask."
"Oh, gods, not cults..." she groaned, shaking her head.
"Only a handful..." he reassured her, smiling. "Look, we have the night patrol tonight, so I guess there are some things we should cover first."
"Sure. What's our beat?"
He pulled a map out of his drawer and laid it on the desk, outlining the area with his finger.
She nodded and examined the map for a moment. "Gods, you people have enough graveyards..."
"You have no idea." He grinned. "Look, since part of our beat takes us through a few of these graveyards, there are some things you should be aware of."
"What kind of things?"
"Well, if you should happen to come across a petite blond woman beating the crud out of anyone, just walk away."
"I beg your pardon?" She stared at him dubiously.
"Trust me on this one. Leave her alone, leave her victims alone."
"Look, I'm not sure how you do things in this backwater, but I'm not in the habit of walking off on helpless victims."
"Trust me, the victims aren't that helpless. Most can't even technically be described as victims."
"Huh?" Craig shook her head, staring at him disbelievingly. "What the hell are you talking about, Jameson?"
"Let's take a walk." He rose and waited for her to follow.
"Where are we going?"
"Grand tour of Sunnydale." He grinned. "Starting at a store called The Magic Box."
She shrugged. "Cool. I'm running low on patchouli anyway."
"So," he asked as the patrol-car pulled up in front of The Magic Box, "what's the strangest thing that you ever saw in L.A.?"
"You want an honest answer?"
He nodded. "I'd appreciate it."
She shrugged. "Okay, but you've got to promise not to tell anyone."
He nodded. "Promise."
"Okay, it's actually the reason I left L.A., you see..." She cleared her throat and lowered her voice. "I was working this serial-killer case... not my first one by a long-shot, you know, but... this one was just weird." She shook her head. "The bodies had been exanguinated, you know, drained of all their blood."
He nodded. "I know what it means."
"Okay. The bodies all had these weird puncture-wounds on their necks. We figured that it was where the blood was being drained from, you know? But then the bodies started vanishing from the Morgue. And... here's the strange part, Jameson, I swear to the gods... I saw one of the vics a couple of days later in line at the movie theater."
"You saw an exanguinated victim who had recently vanished from the Morgue in line at the movies?"
She nodded. "I don't know... maybe L.A. was finally starting to get to me, but I swear... this joker cast no reflection." She shrugged. "So I left."
"What do you think it was?"
"A wake-up call to get the hell out of L.A. and go somewhere quiet."
He shook his head and got out of the car. "Come on." They walked into the shop, where a girl of about 15 sat at a table bent over a math-book. "Hey, Dawnie. Mister Giles here?"
She nodded and shouted, "Giles, customers!"
"Coming, Dawn..." a British voice replied. A man in sweat-pants emerged from the back of the shop, cleaning his glasses. "Oh, hello, Officer Jameson." He smiled and nodded. "Not here on business, I hope?"
Jameson shook his head. "Mister Giles, my new partner, Kait Craig. Craig, Rupert Giles."
"A pleasure, Miss Craig."
She shook his hand. "Hello, Mister Giles. Did we take you from your work-out?"
He shook his head absently. "Was there something I could do for you?" he asked quietly.
"Craig here's new to Sunnydale. Transplant from L.A."
Giles nodded. "I see. And how do you find Sunnydale?"
"With a map, like everyone else." A petite blond woman in workout clothes emerged from the back of the store. "Giles, if you're going to be a while, I'm going to go grab a coffee. You want?"
"Thank you no, Buffy."
She shrugged. "Dawn?"
"Cool." The girl left her math book and followed the woman from the store.
Giles smiled at Jameson and Craig. "Was there something specific..."
Jameson nodded, cutting Giles off. "Yeah, actually. Craig here moved from L.A. to get away from strange happenings."
Giles blinked in mild surprise. "I see."
"Someone didn't do their homework..." Jameson muttered, grinning. "Craig, tell Mister Giles here about the last case you worked in L.A."
"Oh, I hardly think..." she began. "I'm just here for some patchouli, really."
"Well, the herbs are this way..." Giles said, taking her by the arm and leading her deeper into the store. "And I assure you, I'm always interested in... unusual occurrences."
"You seem like a pretty down-to-earth guy."
"I like to think so, yes. However, with Buffy and Dawn about, one does tend to spend rather a lot of time with one's head in the clouds simply through association."
Craig smiled at him and began examining the bins of dried herbs. "Your daughters are very lovely."
Giles gave an embarrassed smile. "Oh, they aren't mine... I'm a family friend."
"Oh. My bad."
"So, this case in L.A.?" he inquired softly.
"Um... long story that you probably wouldn't believe."
"Young lady, I run a magic shop. I can hardly afford to be unduly skeptical."
Craig shrugged and told him what she had told Jameson. "Pretty whack, huh? I'm loosing it, right?"
"Not at all, I should say. Sounds like a perfectly ordinary string of vampire attacks to me."
Craig stared at him. "Vampires?"
Giles nodded. "Certainly. It has all the classic hallmarks, you know."
"Right." She nodded and shrugged. "But I'm not a tourist. You don't have to humor me."
"I'm not. Actually, vampires and other demonic creatures are my specialization."
Craig stared at the madman in front of her with a frown. "Right..."
He smiled at the look on her face. "You should have done your homework before choosing Sunnydale, Miss Craig. For instance, did you know that Sunnydale has more graveyards, per capita, than any other city in California?"
"So, there's a reason for that, luv..." a bleach-blond man with a British accent announced, walking into the alcove that they were in.
Giles frowned slightly. "Hello, Spike. Remind me to get the lock on the basement door fixed, will you?"
Spike smirked at him. "Are Goldilocks and the Little Bit around?" he asked. "I promised the Little Bit that I'd take her to a movie tonight."
Giles frowned. "And Buffy approved that?"
Spike shrugged. "Some Disney flick. Fuzzy animals singing disgustingly cheerful songs, all that rot..." He shivered. "I don't know how I let them talk me into it." He seemed to notice Craig for the first time. "Ooh... fresh blood."
Giles cleared his throat. "Spike, we do not joke about eating the customers..." He shook his head apologetically to Craig. "Forgive him. Vampire humor..."
Craig stared from Giles to Spike, shaking her head. "Okay... you know, this has been... unique, but I've really got to get back to work."
Giles explained to Spike, "Officer Craig left L.A. after seeing a vampire. She thought Sunnydale would be... quieter."
Spike laughed. "Oh, luv, did you pick the wrong neighborhood. You want quiet, move to Detroit. Sunnydale hasn't been quiet since before the Slayer showed up..."
"Goldilocks..." Spike clarified.
Giles cleared his throat. "Buffy. She slays vampires. It's her job."
"Right..." Craig slowly backed away from the two men.
"You think that's the strangest thing you're going to hear all day, luv?" Spike asked, giving her an unsettling grin. "Ask your boyfriend Jameson about himself." He frowned suddenly and stalked off. Both Giles and Craig could clearly hear him shouting at Jameson. "You still owe me my kittens, mate!"
"I told you, I'll get 'em to you, Spike..."
"You've been saying that for near on a month, now!"
Craig heard an angry snarl and rushed into the front of the store, where Spike had on his vampire face and Officer Jameson seemed to have sprouted horns and several other odd growths from various bits of his body. He also seemed to have turned a sickly shade of orange. She stopped in awe, staring at the brewing confrontation.
"Take it outside!" Giles snapped, grabbing Spike by the collar and shoving him towards the door. "I will not have you wrecking my store over a poker game! Out!" He shoved Spike into the darkness outside. "Jameson, look at yourself!" he groaned in disgust. "You're getting slime all over the floor. I just had it polished."
"I think I need to sit down..." Craig muttered to no-one in particular.
"First day in Sunnydale, huh?" Dawn asked, pulling out a chair for her.
Craig nodded weakly. "I moved here from L.A." She shook her head. "Thought it would be quiet and... sane."
Dawn began laughing loudly. "Yeah, right. Buffy, Spike and I are going now. See you later."
"Have fun, Dawnie." Buffy waved as she left. She looked at Craig with a sympathetic shake of her head. "Don't worry, you get used to it."
"Is that really possible?" Craig asked softly. "To get used to stuff this strange?"
Buffy grinned and handed her a cup of coffee. "You have no idea..."The End