A/N: Trying something a little different. This will only make sense if you watched the finale! LOL Don't forget to let me know your thoughts after you read! :)
I shot a little girl today.
I watched as she bled out in my arms, the life leaving her body as I looked on in horror.
I killed a little girl today.
Olivia and Fin are sitting across from me speaking in what I'm sure they believe to be soothing tones, but none of it registers. They can try to comfort me until they are blue in the face, but they will never, ever understand.
I take a long sip from my glass of whisky and look around the dark and crowded bar. It's bustling with people having lively conversation, playing pool, getting drunk. Blissfully ignorant people that, thankfully, will never know what it's like to walk one day in my shoes.
"Elliot…man, you listening? I asked if you wanted another round." Fin is staring at me with a look of concern and pity and I can't stand it. Can't stand the way his head is slightly tilted to the side in worry and especially can't stand the way Olivia is now sitting there beside him looking down at her drink in silence.
She knows… knows that I fucked up and it makes me sick to see the look of disgust on her face whenever her eyes meet mine now.
It's almost like looking in a mirror.
"Yeah, Fin, I'll take one more." Why the fuck not? Blurring the details of the day will be a welcome relief. Yes, Fin, I'll take one more…maybe two more. However many it will take to make me forget.
And there she goes again. Olivia, with her deep brown eyes shifting towards me in disapproval.
Well fuck her.
She didn't just shoot a little girl today.
I watch as she glares at Fin, apparently for offering to buy another round. Apparently she doesn't trust me anymore.
When the hell did that happen? Oh yeah, probably when I killed a child today.
I rest my face in my hands as Fin leaves the booth and I think back to how this all even happened. I didn't want to shoot…who the fuck would? She gave me no choice. Right?
Suddenly I feel her touch on my skin. Her fingertips feather light against my forearm. I can't suppress the shudder as I look up and see the expression on her face.
It's not hatred. Not disgust.
"Liv," I choke out, because it's never easy to talk to her normally when she is touching me.
"I know, El-"
I cling to her hand with my own as though it's my lifeline and perhaps it is. "You don't. And I'm glad you don't." I squeeze tighter and hear her breath hitch slightly. "I'm not sure I can do this anymore."
To my complete surprise she smiles back at me sadly. That smile. My heart flutters briefly as she begins to speak. "Like I said…I know."
I let go of her hand abruptly as though that would disconnect her from reading my mind. I sigh loudly as we both realize what I'm about to say. "I need to leave the SVU"
Her eyes widen slightly and become wet, but she knew. She nods and I watch as her throat works, swallowing harshly. I can see her hesitate and become thoughtful. "I'll leave with you."
I love you. "Like hell you will."
"Elliot," she warns me, but I refuse to let her continue. This job is her life; what she was born to do and maybe she will do it better without me. Without a partner who made one of the worst judgment calls of his career today.
But I had to shoot her…right?
Where was Fin with the next round of drinks? Olivia is touching me again and I can't breathe. I can't leave her and I can't stay.
I should go home to my family, but I can't even begin to fathom the look on my Lizzie's face when I tell them all what I've done. She is just a little older than the child I shot and I know that as soon I go home I will break down completely.
"Elliot…will you hear me out." No, Olivia, I won't. I can't. I can't stand your compassion and pity right now. Get angry at me. Hate me. Anything but this. It's too much for me when you're like this.
She slides into booth beside me and slips her hand onto my thigh in comfort. It doesn't comfort, it makes me want to run my hands through her hair and kiss her until I forget this whole mess of a fucking day. It makes me want to throw her up against a wall and fuck out my frustrations until we both come so hard we can no longer think straight.
"Here guys." Thank God for you Fin. He hands me the cool, damp glass and I immediately down half of its contents. The cool burn sliding down my throat wakes me from my previous train of thought as I shift away from Olivia's touch.
She looks hurt, but so am I. I can't do this anymore, I can't.
"I'm leaving," I suddenly announce. They both look at me in confusion for a moment before Fin starts to speak.
"Okay, man, I'll drive you home then…"
"No. I'm leaving the unit…possibly retiring as a cop entirely." I want to laugh or cry or punch something. Maybe all three.
Olivia is staring down at her drink again and Fin is looking at me with pity. Just like before. So predictable.
I slide my body towards Olivia's, expecting her to let me out of the booth, but she remains still, solid. "Liv…"
"Don't leave me," she whispers into my ear and her breath tickles my skin. I feel it down to my groin and deep within my heart. Her lips skim my ear lobe and I can't move. "Just take some time off, don't do anything rash." She speaks louder now, for Fin's benefit.
"Yeah, Elliot. You just need a break…maybe talk to Huang too or-"
"Don't. Don't either of you tell me what I need." This time Olivia lets me out and I stand to glare at them both. My body is heated and my heart is pounding. Neither of them fucking understands. No amount of time off or time with a shrink is going to help. I'm done; I've given all I've got to this job and I'll never forgive myself for what I did today.
Don't they understand that I don't deserve to work with them anymore?
Olivia's eyes are wet again and I can't…I have to leave now. The lump in my throat is painful, but I deserve the pain. Is it's possible for one's soul to hurt?
I leave them there stunned as I walk out of the bar, the cool night air doing nothing to calm my emotions and I wonder if I'll ever get passed this.
Fifteen years of dedicated service to this unit and all I'll be remembered for is shooting and killing a little girl.
The city spins around me and I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I belong, not anymore.