And I feel fine.
When asked how I wanted to spend what was potentially my last day on earth, I decided that I wanted to at least post one last fanfic. Of course I don't exactly believe that the world is going to end tomorrow (it didn't in 2000, June 6, 2006, or the day that the Playstation Network went down, after all), but eh, we'll wait and see.
This is probably the purest crack I've ever written. I was laughing like a madman when I started writing the end. I never got a chance to proofread this because I'm in a rush right now, so if there are any mistakes, I'll have to correct them when I get back.
EDIT: Proofread it. Fixed a few mistakes and added another little note to the end.
One Friday morning, Jazz woke up like he normally did at about noon. Grudgingly rolling out of bed, he stumbled downstairs like a drunken zombie and sat down at the table next to Prowl. "Morning," he greeted him.
"Afternoon!" Prowl corrected.
"Whatever." Jazz was about to get something to eat when a thought occurred to him. "Hey Prowl, what day is it?"
"It's the 20th," Prowl replied.
Jazz jumped out of his seat, suddenly a hundred times more energetic than he was a moment ago. "Holy shit! The world ends in twelve hours!" he shouted, startling Prowl with his outburst.
"Jazz, I really don't think the world's going to end tomorrow," Prowl pointed out.
"Why risk it?" Jazz shrugged. He then bolted off into the other room at a speed that would put the Flash to shame, spooking Jolt, who was peacefully tending to his Chia Pets, shoving Ratchet into the wall, and nearly trampling Arcee. He stopped in Bumblebee's room and screamed, "Time's a-wastin'!" before grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away from his goldfish.
"Jazz, did Sideswipe spike your fuel with Four Loko again?" Bumblebee asked when Jazz shoved him into a chair and slammed a Monopoly board down on the table in front of him.
"Here's the thing…we only have twelve hours until the world supposedly ends. In that amount of time, we need to cram in as much fun as humanly possible in our day so that we can go out in style!" he explained.
"And what if the world doesn't end?" Bumblebee asked.
"Well then at least we spent the day better than last Friday," Jazz replied. Last Friday had been spent staring at a broken TV because someone that was totally not Jazz somehow threw a bowling ball through the screen.
"Well, can't fight that argument," he shrugged. "So what are we doing first?"
Jazz motioned towards the Monopoly board that he had already set up. "Calvinball Rules Monopoly! I call dibs on the cowboy."
"What's Calvinball Rules?" Bumblebee asked confusedly.
"You make up the rules as you go along."
"Why?" he inquired.
Jazz was quick to point out, "Have you ever played Normal Rules Monopoly?"
Bumblebee didn't take long to think about it. "Sounds more fun already!"
"Yep! And check it out! Sideswipe and I even made our own Chance cards!" He handed the stack of cards to Bumblebee, who picked one off the top and read it.
"Blew up the Death Star, collect $100 in insurance. Why was the Death Star only insured for $100?"
Jazz shrugged and shuffled the card back into the deck. "Well, it was going to be insured for a trillion dollars, but there's only about $15,000 in a Monopoly game, so…" He quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, we're wasting the day! Let's get moving!"
Meanwhile, at the Decepticon base:
News of the supposed end of the world had reached the Decepticons as well. Barricade handled the revelation the same way he handled any important news. "I'm going back to bed. Wake me when the world ends," he mumbled.
Blackout chose to ignore him. "So, how are you going to spend your last day alive?" he asked Bonecrusher.
"I am going to sit under this table," Bonecrusher replied from underneath the table.
Blackout peeked under at him. Bonecrusher's blood red eyes glowed ominously from underneath. Why was it so much darker under the table than it was in the rest of the room? "You're going to spend the day sitting under a table?"
"Yes. Because as long as Brawl has no idea where I'm hiding, it's the best day ever spent," he said with a cheerful undertone. He grew silent once more when he saw Brawl poke his head into the room, look around for him, and then walk away when he could not find him. "So what about you?" he asked after waiting a safe amount of time to ensure that Brawl was out of hearing range.
"Scorponok and I were going to watch a marathon of crappy movies," he replied. "First up on the list, The Room!"
"Well, best get started on that," Bonecrusher added, signifying that he wanted to be left alone now.
Scorponok scooted up to Blackout's foot and allowed himself to be scooped up off the floor. "Well, let's go spend our last day alive with a celebration of mediocrity!" he said to his pet. Scorponok squeed, a DVD remote in his pincers.
Jazz reached over towards the bank and grabbed a handful of money. Bumblebee swatted his hand away. "I don't think so! You already robbed the bank twice during your last turn! There's barely anything left in it!"
"Well third time's a charm," Jazz replied, counting out his "earnings". Bumblebee reached over and snatched some of Jazz's money. "What are you doing?"
"I'm mugging you," he replied smugly.
"You can't mug me! I'm dictator of Monopolyland!"
"Since when?" Bumblebee asked.
"Since I decided that Monopolyland needed a dictator. Seriously, there's no organization here at all. People just come and do as they please!" He punctuated this by stealing one of Bumblebee's deeds and adding it to the rest of his pile of loot. "As my first act as Evil Dictator, I hereby rename Monopolyland "The United Jazz Republic"."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm the leader of an underground resistance. Prepare to be overthrown and relentlessly kicked in the lugnuts!" Bumblebee boasted threateningly.
"It seems there's only one way to decide who should be the ruler of the UJR!" Jazz said in a challenging tone. "I challenge you to Mortal Kombat!"
"Bring it!" Bumblebee replied icily.
A few moments later, they both sat in front of a tiny, black and white TV (because of course the other one had a bowling ball in it) with a Sega Genesis hooked up to it. Jazz pounded away on his controller. "Okay, if I beat Motaro, you and your resistance have to turn yourselves in and surrender Monopolyland to me!"
"Jazz, If you actually beat Motaro, you can have Monopolyland, because I'll have died from a spark attack," Bumblebee replied sarcastically.
Blackout and Scorponok were midway through Birdemic when Barricade walked down the stairs and stared at them through the banister. "Did the world end yet?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Still got a few hours to go, buddy," Blackout answered.
Barricade started grumbling and trudged up the stairs once more. "It better hurry the hell up, or I'm gonna just nuke the planet myself!"
Bonecrusher started snickering when he saw Brawl run past for the fifth or sixth time. "Best Friday ever," he said to himself.
"Alright Bumblebee, this looks like our last stand," Jazz said to his partner. "We die here, at least we die an honorable death as heroes."
"It's been nice serving with you, Jazz," Bumblebee nodded. "Now let's get moving!"
They made it a few feet from where they stood when a pair of bright orange darts came flying through the air and nailed them both in the head. "Hey! Quit camping, n00b!" Jazz shouted up at a hill.
Arcee laughed from a tree at the top, brandishing a Nerf gun. "There's no rules in the game against sniping!" she shouted. She quickly jumped down and ran the other direction before they could "respawn" and come after her.
Bumblebee quickly caught up to her and got her in the chest with a dart. "Pwnd!" he shouted. Sideswipe ran right by him, firing several darts in Bumblebee's direction and hitting him in the leg. "Jazz! I need a revive!" he called for his friend.
"Capturing your flags, bitch!" Sideswipe said as he made his way for the nearest one.
Jazz ambushed him by the flag and shot him in the face. "Ha! Sneak attack! Take that, Commie!"
"Commie? Wait, I thought you guys were the Russians?" Sideswipe replied from the ground.
"No, you're the Russians! You've always been the Russians!" Jazz retorted.
Arcee overheard their argument and joined in. "I don't want to be Russian! It's cold there!"
"I don't mind being Russian," Bumblebee shrugged.
"STFU, n00b! No one asked you!" Jazz snapped.
Optimus watched them in mild confusion from the window. "What are they doing?" he asked Prowl.
"Playing Live-Action Black Ops," Prowl replied nonchalantly. "I told them the Playstation Network was still down because I didn't feel like listening to them screaming insults into a microphone all day."
"And this is better?" Optimus asked when their conversation over who was the bad guys devolved into them calling each other gay and screaming curse words at each other.
"I honestly never thought they'd be able to so perfectly reenact online gameplay in the backyard," he sighed. "Maybe if we're lucky, they'll all rage quit."
Barricade leaned over the back of the couch. "Did the world end yet?" he asked in a groggy tone.
"No, Barricade. It didn't end yet," Blackout replied. Barricade slunk off to his room once more to return to his hibernation. Shortly after, Blackout's movie ended. "Huh…would you look at that," he said as he looked at the clock and realized that it was a few minutes past midnight. "Well, I guess the world isn't going to end after all."
"I can't find Bonecrusher anywhere!" Brawl complained as he walked past the table yet again. "All this searching is making me hungry…" He went into the freezer to get something to eat.
Jazz and Bumblebee sat in Bumblebee's room and stared at all the Floaties swimming back and forth. "You know, Bee…even if the world did end today, I wouldn't regret anything."
"Me neither," Bumblebee agreed. "I love you, buddy!" he added before fist-bumping him. After a moment of silence, he pointed out, "You know PSN's been back online for about a week now, right?"
"I know. This way was more fun because it annoyed Prowl more," Jazz admitted.
"And now we conclude our film festival with the worst movie in the world!" Blackout announced. He held up a DVD. "Uwe Boll's disasterpiece, "Alone in the Dark"!" At this reveal, Scorponok screeched in terror and burrowed under the couch.
Barricade's door could be heard slamming and he bolted down the stairs, stopping at the bottom with a look of terror. "Blackout, no! No one who's ever watched that movie all the way through has survived the night! Even Bonecrusher's afraid to watch it!"
"They use that film to torture prisoners of war in North Korea!" Bonecrusher added, having come out of hiding just to try and stop him from doing the unthinkable. Brawl was fortunately too preoccupied with trying to figure out how to microwave a burrito to even notice.
"Oh come on you guys, it's not that horrible!" Blackout protested before placing it in the DVD tray.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Barricade whimpered.
Brawl, finally figuring out the microwave, punched in the time and turned it on. He realized a little too late that he had accidentally left a metal fork inside with the burrito. "NOOOO!" he shouted, trying to stop it before the unthinkable happened, but alas, his reaction time was too slow.
A bright spark lit up the room, engulfing the entire kitchen. It mixed with the aura of bad filmmaking emanating from the DVD player and TV screen and used the resulting energy to grow powerful enough to rip the very fabric of time and space. The entire universe combusted from the force and then imploded on itself until there was only nothing. And then, just as it seemed that all was lost, it reset, expanding again until all was normal. Or was it…?
Blackout felt strange all of a sudden. Why did everything seem like it was different? "Hey Bonecrusher, does anything feel different to you?" he called over his shoulder.
"No, of course not," Bonecrusher shook his head. "Hey, have you seen Brawl? I think he's hiding from me again. Why doesn't he ever want to be friends with me?" He walked off into the hallway and walked past the closet where Brawl was hiding from him for about the twenty-third time.
Megatron walked into the room with a bummed-out expression. "They're making a third live-action Go-Bots movie!" he complained. "Why don't we get any live-action movies? What do those Go-Bots have that we don't?"
Blackout looked back at his TV screen where his movie remained on the main menu after it had ended. "Ugh, Toy Story 3...why did I ever decide to watch this? This is the worst movie of all time!" He removed it from the DVD player and tossed it onto the pile with all the other bad movies, like Aliens and The Dark Knight. He stood up and stretched out before calling to Barricade. "Hey Cade, you wanna go see what the Autobots are doing?"
"Yeah sure, I'd love to go!" Barricade replied. "I'm so hyper and energetic today! I feel like I've been sleeping all day for the past week. Let's get out and go do something!"
He followed Blackout outside. Blackout felt like something was strange outside, almost like the colors had been inverted. But he knew that was just a weird feeling. The sky had always been a shade of orange, right? He stepped out onto the reddish-purple grass and started off towards the Autobot base.
Bumblebee and Jazz were both bored out of their minds at their Sega Genesis. "I beat Motaro again! This game is too easy!" Jazz complained.
"I told you, we should have played Black Ops instead," Bumblebee replied.
"Yeah, but those people on the Network are always so polite it's creepy. It's like you're playing video games with British royalty," Jazz pointed out.
"Hello, friends!" Blackout said as he walked right into their base.
"Blackout! Nice to see you again!" they greeted him.
"So, what are we going to do today?" Jazz asked.
"Let's go on an adventure!" Barricade suggested.
A few minutes later, Jazz added. "Did you guys know the world was supposed to end yesterday? Pretty crazy, huh?"
If there's one thing I learned about PSN being down, it's that Live-Action Black Ops is so much more fun than the online multiplayer. As long as you do it outdoors. Turns out my mom flips a cow when things get broken. Who knew?
Can you guys guess what my least favorite movie is?