Irises

I have no soul. This is why my eyes lack irises and color. You cannot have windows to something which does not exist.

I never minded, before. It was just a quirk, like being left-handed or flat-footed (neither of which I am, coincidentally). I was still the most real being in my kingdom. I brought my creations to life, the little Eastern contortionists and the daring highwire walkers and the devilish juggler, with a spark of something I lacked. They, all of them, were my external soul.

I thought I needed nothing. I am a god. I was never lonely. Never craved companionship. Never spoke. Never needed to.

I was arrogant and stupid, is what I was.

I thought I was invincible. I know better now. I have the scars and the nightmares to prove it.

But I am still Trickster. I am not an object of pity. I need no one.

I am fascinated by humans, addicted to them really. I observe them, their realness, their sparks, their colorful eyes, seeing all from the outside. All except one.

We are not a couple, I told him. We are having an affair. I will leave Mystere when I find a way to regain my kingdom, and come visit you once in a while, perhaps. He, who seems to feel this is a big deal, threw a vase at my head. It was our first real fight.

It was not something I wanted. For all that his role is to keep the peace, he is so much more angry than I am.

I wonder sometimes if my emotions are real at all. Other people seem to have so many more of them than I do - shyness, embarrassment, anger, sadness. The main ones I have had are smugness and amusement. And fear.

My lover would add 'lust' to that list. He believes I am a rapist.

I wonder if it would help if I was.

I am Trickster, I walk alone. I need no soul. I need no companion. I need to help.

I feel hollow inside now, all the time.

I never slept before. I do now, my body adjusting admirably to its environment. A chance to switch off once in a while, to not have to think. It is still a choice; I can stay up nights on end if I so wish. I sometimes do, forget to act my part.

This is not my home. These are not my people. I have no home and no people. But my realm and my creations are not here. I cannot stay forever. I think I will die if I do.

I do not regret. I do not need a caretaker. I am very, very much not a child. Gods do not look back.

No emotional attachments. I have those only for my realm.

I am Trickster. I need no one.

...

A/N: ...Someone is very, very much in denial...

I like this version better than the previous one, but something is still not working for me. Suggestions, critiques?