104 - Boyfriend #1
PREVIOUSLY ON WOODSBORO HIGH:
"The flirtation between Jill and Cory became a bit more apparent."
JILL: Maybe I can come a little earlier and meet up with you the next time you forget about homework.
CORY: Oh, now you're just tempting me to forget on purpose.
"Robbie had a contender for the top spot as Cinema Club president..."
ROBBIE: I guess we know who to vote club clown.
PRICHARD: Or club president.
KIRBY: The winner is... Prichard.
PRICHARD: What's up my fellow Movie Club members!
ROBBIE: It's Cinema Club!
PRICHARD: Quiet down, VP. The head honcho is talking!
"But won by getting to spend alone time with Niley."
NILEY: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
"While Charlie revealed feelings of his own."
CHARLIE: I've been taken aback by Kirby lately.
INT. NILEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Niley slaps the remote control down on the table and leans back on the couch, coming INTO FRAME with Robbie. Robbie looks at her, waiting anxiously for some time of opinion.
ROBBIE: So... what'd you think?
ROBBIE: Eh? ! It's the Godfather: Part Two! What do you mean, "eh?"
NILEY: I just thought the first one was a much better film. It had better pacing, a better story, Buddy the Elf's dad was in it - -
ROBBIE: James Caan.
NILEY: Yeah! Him! And then of course - - (her best Brando impression) "I coulda had class! I coulda been a contender!"
ROBBIE: Yeah, Marlon Brando was sorely missed but - -
NILEY: "I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it!"
ROBBIE: Okay, stop.
NILEY: Sorry, it's my favorite quote of all - -
ROBBIE PULLS HER IN AND KISSES HER. She kisses back momentarily and then pushes back... looking him in the eyes. He's just about shit his pants now realizing what he just did. She doesn't know what to say...
NILEY: ... I think you should go... we have school in the morning.
Niley gets up and makes room for Robbie to exit. Robbie walks over to the TV and ejects the DVD, putting in a case and then putting it in his bag. Niley walks to the door and opens it for him... he's completely defeated...
ROBBIE: Look, I'm - -
NILEY: Don't worry about it. It never happened.
Robbie walks out and down the patio towards the street. He stops and turns - -
ROBBIE: You're not gonna say that it never happened... and then go tell everyone, right?
NILEY: Tell everyone "what?"
ROBBIE:... okay, than.
QUICK CUT TO:
INT. WOODSBORO HIGH HALLWAY - MORNING
Niley grabs Kirby and shoves her into a locker.
NILEY: He kissed me!
KIRBY: NOOOOOO. Robbie? C'mon, that's not even believable as a joke.
NILEY: I am serious as a dog with narcolepsy. He kissed me!
KIRBY: (kinda grossed out) ... with tongue?
NILEY: No, I stopped it before that could happen...
Kirby presses herself off the locker and they both continue down the hall.
KIRBY: Well was it good? Oh, nevermind, you stopped it so it must've not been.
NILEY: No, it wasn't good... IT WAS AMAZING.
Kirby drops her books from the news.
KIRBY: Co-co-come again?
Kirby starts to pick up her books.
NILEY: I never felt that way before by a kiss, Kirby. It was like... every part of my being was on fire! My blood, my heart, my soul, my vagi - -
KIRBY: I think three's enough!
They begin walking again.
NILEY: I just... I didn't know what to do so I told him to leave. Another second and I would've done things I've only dreamt about doing with Jerry Seinfeld...
KIRBY: Jerry - - Seinfeld? ! Okay, Niley... this is heavy, dude. You're gonna have to slow down for me to completely acknowledge all that has happened here.
NILEY: Well I needed to tell somebody.
KIRBY: Well, why me? I can't help you. I've never even kissed a guy...
KIRBY: It just never happened. One time a guy tried to kiss me on It's a Small World but I pushed him off. Who would wanna make out in front of a bunch of singing children? Creepy.
NILEY: Oh, I love Disneyland! We should go!
KIRBY: Bundle the expenses for me, dude, and we'll go.
NILEY: Well anyway... you should totally kiss someoooone.
KIRBY: Why? And who?
NILEY: I don't know, who do you like?
KIRBY: Nobody, the guys here are just - - not my type.
They reach Kirby's locker and she starts using it.
NILEY: Ooooh... I forgot.
KIRBY: You forgot what?
NILEY: Oh, nothing, sorry.
KIRBY: What did you hear? (beat) Was it another lesbian rumor?
NILEY: (horrible at lying) No... no way... nothing - - no, not that, nothing like that. Of course not.
KIRBY: Niley, what did they say?
NILEY: (speeding it up) They said that you like to mop tile and I was like, "what's mop tile?" And they said, "have you ever heard of eating carpet?" And I was like - - why would someone wanna eat carpet? But then I realized it's a metaphor for going dowwwwwn? Anyway, tile is shaven... while carpet isn't - - long story shortened - - they said you like vag.
KIRBY: Who the hell told you this bull shit?
NILEY: I - - can't say.
KIRBY: Niley, I will kick your ass!
NILEY: (eyes tear up) Really? !
KIRBY: Ugh, no, I can't do that to you. But seriously, I'm like one of your best friends...
NILEY: (sighs) Okay... the Muffin Man.
KIRBY:... THE MUFFIN MAN?
NILEY: (eyes shift) The one that lives on Drewy Lane.
KIRBY: (snaps) WHAT'S THE PERSON'S NAME, NILEY? !
NILEY: Okay, chill out... Chelsea.
KIRBY: Chelsea told YOU... and possibly other people... that I... Kirbiline Reed... like to eat girls out?
NILEY (rethinks all of the info in her head) Yes.
KIRBY: Huh... I wonder how she knew.
Kirby shrugs and slams her locker, walking away leaving Niley completely in shock.
INT. WOODSBORO HIGH - C-WING - MORNING
Jill laughs along with Cory as they sit down against the wall, papers spread out in front of them. Cory looks at the work - -
CORY: Wow, it looks like I didn't really do much of copying.
JILL: Yeah... that's like the third day in a row where you only got done half of your homework. You should start doing it - - you wouldn't wanna fail.
CORY: Well... then I wouldn't have an excuse to see you extra early anymore...
JILL: (blushes) You don't need an excuse, Cory.
CORY: Really... why's that?
JILL: Because... I'd love to spend time with you - - non-homework related.
CORY: (smirks) Like outside of school?
JILL: If you'd waaaant...
CORY: (leans in) Like a date?
JILL:... if you'd waaaant...
CORY: What do you say, Jill? Go out with me.
JILL: Isn't that what people say when they wanna be in a relationship with someone? Not just a date?
CORY: I think I know everything I need to know about you to see that you'd make a great girlfriend.
JILL: (blushes) And what if I say, "no?" Would you be heartbroken?
CORY: (chuckles) Yeah... you could say that.
JILL:... then I wouldn't wanna do that to you... so my answer is yes. I'd love to be your girlfriend.
JILL: (nods) Yeah.
Cory smiles in victory and looks back up at Jill. The teacher walks by. They both get up, getting their stuff together. Cory puts out his hand for holding... Jill smiles bashfully and takes it, him leading her into the classroom.
INT. LADIES LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Chelsea is at her locker, throwing her things in. She's the last one in there. She takes off her shirt and pulls out her PE shirt, ready to throw it over her head. A SHUFFLE COMES FROM BEHIND. Chelsea turns her head... the music rises...
CHELSEA: Hello? Someone there?
She throws the shirt on all the way but she's still in her undies and she makes her way to the end of the locker's row - - she peeks her head around - - no one's there. She turns around - - KIRBY stands by her locker, waiting in just her bra and panties.
KIRBY: Hey Chelsea.
CHELSEA: Kirby... you scared the shit out of me.
KIRBY: Did I? I'm sorry...
CHELSEA: Why are you - - walking around half naked?
KIRBY: Oh... ha, sorry. I didn't realize. But I did realize you weren't wearing any pants... big turn on.
CHELSEA: Wha-wha-what are you doing?
KIRBY: Oh c'mon, Chelsea... we both know the truth... you like pussy... don't you?
CHELSEA: Excuse me?
KIRBY: That's why you keep spreading rumors around about me liking it, right?
CHELSEA: I don't know what you're talking about... just give me my shorts, I'm gonna be late.
KIRBY: Nooooo, for what I want, you need them off.
Kirby starts approaching her. Chelsea isn't sure of what to do or where to run.
CHELSEA: You're seriously freaking me out, Kirby.
KIRBY: C'mon... slide those panties off... or would you rather me do it with my teeth?
CHELSEA: What the fu - - okay. Look, it's not funny.
KIRBY: It's not? I thought eating twat was HILARIOUS to you? I mean, it would have to be for you to keep SPREADING LIES about me.
CHELSEA: I don't know what you're talking about!
KIRBY: You don't?
KIRBY PUSHES CHELSEA into the locker and holds her there.
CHELSEA: GET OFF ME!
Kirby places her lips against her neck and pretends she's going to bite it.
KIRBY: Oh Chels, don't worry - - I'll be gentle for your first time.
CHELSEA: OKAY! OKAY! IT WAS ME! SORRY!
Kirby backs off and lets Chelsea go.
CHELSEA: I just - - I know someone that likes you. They came to me for advice.
KIRBY: A girl?
CHELSEA: No, it was a guy. I couldn't think of any sure-fire way to keep you single so - - I started telling people that you're a lesbian so guys wouldn't try to hit on you.
KIRBY:... that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
CHELSEA: Well it worked, right?
KIRBY: Not many people hit on me before, Chelsea, so really, not much of a control group you have there.
CHELSEA: I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know? You look good, I figured guys would be all up on that.
KIRBY: I look good? Are you sure there's something that YOU don't wanna tell me?
CHELSEA: (joking) Welllll, I was kinda hoping for you to slide my panties off with your teeeeeth.
KIRBY: (laughing) Chelsea, if a guy likes me, just tell me and I'll figure out how to deal with it.
CHELSEA: Normally I would but... this is someone we both know... someone in our circle.
KIRBY: Wow... really? Okay, I guess that makes things a bit more difficult.
CHELSEA: Yeah... I don't know why I thought the lesbian thing would work. That'll probably do irreparable damage but I just figured he would come forward much sooner than later and he never did so I just figured I had to keep telling more and more people and eventually everyone knew. If you wanna punch me, I understand - - just not the face.
KIRBY: No... your heart was in the right place... but your mind is absolutely retarded!
CHELSEA: (smirks) I can't help it.
A teacher comes around the corner.
GYM TEACHER: Ladies, let's go! Let's get dressed!
CHELSEA: Be right there!
The teacher jogs off and back outside. Kirby backs off from the locker and returns to her own.
CHELSEA: Hey Kirbz.
Kirby turns around.
CHELSEA: (winks) Nice ass.
Kirby shakes her head and turns the corner.
EXT. WOODSBORO HIGH - LUNCH TABLES - DAY
Jenny and Jill sit at the fountain, Jill holding Jenny's hand and looking her in the eyes as if she's about to tell her something really important.
JILL: Jenny... I have a boyfriend.
JENNY: What? Who?
JILL: Remember that guy you saw me with before first period?
JENNY: Yeah, yeah - - uh, Cory you said his name was?
JILL: Yeah... he asked me out this morning. I'm his girlfriend!
JENNY: (displeased) Oh... so it begins...
JILL: ... what's that supposed to mean?
JENNY: Boyfriend number 1 for Sophomore year.
JILL: You say that like I have a lot of boyfriends and/or intend to have more later this year.
JENNY: Jill... how many boyfriends did you have Freshman year?
JILL: Mm... three?
JILL: Are you sure?
JENNY: Yes, remember, I have an impeccable memory.
JILL: Sandal Guy doesn't count!
JENNY: I wasn't even including him!
JILL: Wow... you have a better hold of my love life than I do.
JENNY: And what was the underlying theme as to why all those relationships didn't work, do you remember?
JENNY: Yoooou were too needy.
JILL: But I broke up with them. I never heard any complaints!
JENNY: E - xactly.
JILL: Ugh, crap, you're right. So what do I do?
JENNY: Just - - don't expect so much with this one. Ya know? Take it easy on him if you're expecting for it to last more than 4 weeks.
JILL: I think I can do that!
JENNY: Let's hope so for his sake.
Robbie and Charlie sit down with them, opening up their packed lunches. Jill looks at them both, excited to tell them the news.
JILL: Guess what? !
ROBBIE: If it's "chicken butt," I'm not in the mood.
JILL: I have a boyfriend!
ANGLE ON - - Charlie's expression goes from neutral to solemn instantly.
ROBBIE: Really... cool.
JILL: I was expecting more enthusiasm but "cool" will do.
ROBBIE: Jill, it's not that shocking.
JILL: Well I think... that - - it's awesome. What do you think, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Yeah... awesome.
He quietly bites into his sandwich. Jenny notices something's up but doesn't say something. Kirby and Niley then approach and sit down with them. Niley glances at Robbie - - Robbie tries to remain normal - - she sits by Charlie.
NILEY: Hey buddysaurus!
Jenny notices this altercation as well. Robbie is STARING at Niley from down the fountain but trying to be slick about it. Chelsea then walks up and looks at Kirby - - they giggle at each other. Chelsea sits down on the floor in front of them and starts to dig into her salad. Jenny gets up and walks away, keeping her eye on the group at all times. Roy is off to the side, talking to a fellow Cinema Club nerd. Jenny grabs the nerd by the arm and pushes him out of the way, taking Roy's attention.
ROY: Hiiii Jenny?
JENNY: Look at them.
Roy turns his head to the group. They all awkwardly sit together.
JENNY: What is wrong with this picture here? Why is everyone so weird?
ROY: Well how am I supposed to know?
JENNY: Don't you wanna be a psychologist or something? You should be able to pin point these things, Roy!
ROY: Well... Jill looks happy.
JENNY: No shit, she has a boyfriend.
ROY: (not surprised) Oh, I see.
JENNY: But what else? Look at Charlie... Niley... Robbie... even Chelsea and Kirby are acting funny.
ROY: Oh, I know... Robbie - - "accidentally" put on a porno while he was with Niley and Niley was probably like, "whaaaaaaaaaa?" and so now she's talking to Charlie more often but Charlie isn't really thinking about her because he's focused on Chelsea because her bra strap is down her arm and maybe he has a thing for bra straps? I don't know and Kirby - - maybe like - - the lunch lady told her a funny joke today and she's just passing it on. Ya know? That's it. Definitely. I could sense that from a mile away. Ya know, Robbie tried that porn thing on me once and I was like "whoa, awkward!"
JENNY: Hey Roy.
JENNY: YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG.
Jenny storms off, Roy not sure of what he did.
ROY: Over reaction, much?
The nerd then approaches him again and they go back to discussing things.
ROY: So yeah, Breakfast Club is by far the best John Hughes movie.
INT. CINEMA CLUB ROOM - DAY
Prichard stands before the class, smug as ever. He holds a DVD case in his hands.
PRICHARD: This... right here... is the cream of the crop of all great movies... Death to Smoochy. Today, we're gonna watch it! How does that sound?
The room erupts in applause.
ROBBIE: The death of modern cinema, right before our eyes being awarded by this ape.
Kirby rolls her eyes and heads for the door. Roy watches and gets up himself, following her out. Charlie watches them both...
INT. WOODSBORO HIGH HALLWAYS - CONTINUOUS
Roy jogs up behind Kirby as she continues on with a "game face" on.
ROY: Hey Kirby, wait up.
KIRBY: You couldn't handle Death to Smoochy?
ROY: Oh no - - been down that wrong road before. Where you going?
KIRBY: I have to practice for soccer, the tournament starts next week so - -
ROY: Maybe I could help you! I'm good at soccer.
KIRBY: (in disbelief) You are?
ROY: Yeah, totally. I'm agile as all hell.
KIRBY: Haha, okay, come with me.
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Roy stands at the goal post, now wearing some embarassing short shorts. Kirby stands in front of him, ball under her foot. Roy tries to expand the shorts lower than his legs - - not working.
KIRBY: It's just you and I out here, Roy, don't be embarrassed.
ROY: No, I'm just getting a cold draft where drafts shouldn't go...
KIRBY: (chuckles) Here comes the first one. Ready?
ROY: Let's do it.
Kirby dribbles the ball with her feet, rushing toward Roy. She SLAMS THE BALL, it flies right through Roy's knees and enters the net. She stops.
KIRBY: I thought you said you were good at this?
ROY: (kicking the ball back) Warm up.
Kirby does the same - - dribbles - - fake outs - - KICK! - - over Roy's head and in the net. Kirby puts her hands on her hips, squinting her eyes.
ROY: Okay, I'm ready! I got this. No more balls will go in! - - the net...
KICK! THROUGH HIS ARMS.
KICK! OVER HIS HEAD.
KICK! It hits the pole and bounces up and in - - he's that slow.
KICK! He catches it but drops it.
KICK! It hits his shin and he falls to the ground in pain.
KIRBY: Okay, let's try something else.
They stand in front of each other, Roy completely tired. Kirby has the ball once again under her foot.
KIRBY: Okay, try to steal the ball from me.
ROY: (sighs) Got it.
KIRBY RUSHES PASSED HIM, Roy not even trying. She turns around.
KIRBY: Dude, c'mon!
ROY: Sorry, that was lightening fast.
KIRBY RUSHES HIM AGAIN, he puts his foot in front of her and keeps up with her. She swoops around, completely dodging him and running for the goal. She turns back around...
KIRBY: Better... better.
ROY: (completely out of breath) Okay, one more time.
KIRBY: You sure? You look like you're about to - -
ROY BARFS IN THE GRASS.
KIRBY: That. Okay, Roy, uh... I'll see you some other time than.
Kirby dribbles the ball and runs to the other side of the field. Roy wipes his face, completely exhaused.
ROY: I'm good! I'm GOOD!
She's already too far. He throws his arms up, "I'm through with this."
EXT. JILL'S HOUSE - DAY
Jill walks towards her house, her keys ready in hand. Robbie continues walking on, presumably he just finished a walk with her. She reaches her front door - -
OLIVIA: Hey Roberts.
Jill stops and turns her head.
OLIVIA: I saw you with your new squeeze today.
JILL: Oh, did you? You can't have him, sorry.
OLIVIA: Please, I have a boyfriend of my own that goes to Windsor but hey, what can I say?
JILL: That's gross.
OLIVIA: You're one to talk... considering how many girls you're about to kiss if you kiss him.
Jill exhales and puts her keys away, knowing she's about to get an earful.
JILL: Okay Olivia... what rumors have you heard?
OLIVIA: Rumors? Psh, facts. My boyfriend knows Cory... he says he invites him out to college parties all the time. Tale around sorority row is he's made quite the dent on the Omega Beta Zeta girls out there.
JILL: (still not convinced) Ah, is that so?
OLIVIA: Just giving you a heads up. Last relationship he was in didn't last too long because - - well, he can't keep his eyes or his hands to himself even when "committed."
JILL: Do you have proof?
OLIVIA: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, let me go grab the stash of photos of him kissing numerous amount of women I've been keeping in a box just for the occasion that you might go out with him.
JILL: Olivia, you can be jealous but don't make up stupid shit to put ideas in my head and ruin a perfectly good relationship.
OLIVIA: Now that hurts. But you can ask anyone. Well, anyone who matters at least.
JILL: Why are you telling me this? I thought you hated me?
OLIVIA: Jill... don't be silly... Silly Jilly...
Olivia gives Jill one last glare and jogs off back to her house. Jill takes her keys back out and opens the door.
INT. JILL'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jill SWINGS the door open and SLAMS it shut in a fury. She THROWS her back pack down and digs her head into her hands, trying not to SCREAM in anger. She can't help it - - SHE LET'S IT OUT and SWATS the figurines off her dresser and they SMASH against the wall. She grabs the comforter off her bed and buries her head into it, SCREAMING banging her head against the mattress. She gets up and runs to the bathroom and PUNCHES the mirror - - CRACKING IT.
She leans against the counter top and looks at her knuckles - - blood. She now stops - - observing her hand as the blood spills out and hit the sink faucet. She looks into the shattered mirror - - her reflection being cast a hundred times. SHE LETS OUT ONE LAST SCREAM.
INT. OLIVIA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Olivia bites into a banana as Jill's scream can be heard from a house over - - she grins and continues to chew. THE MUSIC RISES AND - - SMASH TO BLACK.
NEXT TIME, ON WOODSBORO HIGH:
Things get more awkward between Robbie and Niley.
Charlie and Roy start to prepare for Club Rush.
And Jill and Cory go on their first date.