"Sam Falls Down and it's Dean's Fault Somehow."
Rating: T for language, and ridiculousness…
Summary: A parody of all those Supernatural Fics I've read at , you know the ones to which I am reffering. Hurt Dean! Hurt Sam! Hurt Lucifer! Angry Bobby! Candy Shaped Castiel from the Future! OOC!
Disclaimer: Erik Kripke is the owner of "Supernatural" He's the reason I lack sleep on Friday nights. Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are the reasons I have lovely, lovely dreams….
A/N: Okay, as I stated, this is a parody of my experience reading Supernatural Fanfics here, the ones that made me wonder if the show was even seen at all, by the person who wrote it…if this summary or author note is starting to offend you, you may turn back at any time. This is meant to be "PARODY' so don't say I made you read it.
"Dean leaned over to caress Sam's thigh.
"No Dean" Sam said, "We can't do it, it's wrong."
"If it's wrong Sammy" Dean said. "Then I don't want to be right."
"Supernatural" Episode: "Sympathy for the Devil."
Steel Dog Bar and Hotel/Motor Lodge
"C'mon Deaaaan!" Sam Winchester, a grown man, towering at 6'4", and stacked like the Library of Congress, whined low and very much like a five-year-old, because that was the voice he favored, his 'authority voice.' "You promised me! I want to go outside!"
His older brother, Dean 'Blue Steel' Winchester sat polishing a machete with an oil rag, while simultaneously juggling three pearl handled Colt .45's and one Sawed Off. He gave Sam a firm Big Brother look.
"Sammy Jonathan-Robert-Singer-Smith-and-Wesson Winchester!" Dean shouted, throwing down all his weapons in a singular movement that made the guns shoot the machetes and ricochet off the blades and into the walls. "This isn't up for discussion!"
"DEAAN PLEEASE!" Sam shouted a plea, getting right down next to Dean, his face three centimeters from Dean to make sure that he saw and heard him. "PLEEEEASEEEE!"
"It's late and you've already had your bath!" Dean barked, poking his finger in his brother's eye to make him shut up.
Sam wailed at the eye poke, feeling his sweet, sweet eye juices cloud his vision painfully. But he didn't say words, because the wail was that painful. Plus he knew that it was going to end badly if he did.
Dean heard Sam's wail, and it made him smile as huge as that time his dad let him skip school to buy guns. "You are such a wuss Sammy!"
"NU-UH!" Sam forgot about how to speak like an adult, because Dean was hurting his feelings, and it was hurting his FEELINGS! "I'm big Dean! You can't treat me like I'm not big!"
To demonstrate how big Sam knew he was, he opened the door to their motel room and promptly fell backwards down the stairs to the parking lot, because, as a skilled hunter of the Supernatural, he lacked any form of coordination at all.
Dean heard all the creaking and breaking and, crying, and singing the Alphabet Song to combat the sadness of scrapped knees and leaking brain matter, but all it did was make him angry. Because, he was supposed to love his brother to the point of irrationality, blindness, and soul mate bonding but damnit! He was getting tired of caring about him!
"You deserved that you dumb ass!" Dean shouted on the way downstairs to his Impala. "Can't watch where you're going then you don't deserve eyes!" He climbed into the Impala, pulling out a handwritten listen from the glove box, a 'To Do' list with four items:
1. Not Care about Sam until he's seriously maimed and not until hours afterwards when he's a vegetable in some hospital.
2. Treat Sam like a three-year-old
3. Drink too much and listen to AC/DC while sleeping with random women while doing it
4, Have as much depth as a shallow pool
Dean crossed off Number One on his list with a triumphant smile. He flipped off Sam's prone form as the Impala drove away in a cloud of dust.
Sam was folded like a tiny pretzel with salt for gravel on the pavement. Snot dripped down his nose as well as blood. The Alphabet Song had long since worn off its calming juices, and now he was all alone, and frightened.
Because he could kill demons, and Wedigos, and Shape Shifters, and all manner of evil go bump-in-the-night things, and stop Satan, but he was scared of night.
Night was so…dark.
Dean! DEEAAAANNNN! I need you to come save me! I fell! And I can get up but I don't want too! You didn't double knot my shoes so I'll just fall again Dean! Dean! DEEAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!
"Hands up kid!" a gun-knife was pointed and stabbed in his face. It was actually called a 'bayonet' but Sam thought "gun knife" sounded cooler.
Sam stared into the face shrouded in a pink ski mask with bugs bunny on it. And that scared him more than anything. "My brother will kill you if you hurt me!"
The ski mask's eyes sneered in amusement. "Whose your brother?"
"DEAN!" Sam said triumphantly, raising his hands to shoot make believe guns in Dean's honor.
The ski mask came away from the face that was white with curly blonde hair. "Dean, Dean Winchester?"
"That's a kind of gun right?" Sam questioned, as he changed the 'Hello My Name Is' name tag on his shirt from 'Sammy!' to 'Hostage' with a purple Mr. Sketch Marker.
"Yeah," the gunman said in confusion. Isn't this Sam Winchester, didn't he stop Satan? Didn't he threaten me, just yesterday, to hack my balls off with a dull machete when I told him that his brother was stupid? Damn crazy SOB even had the freakin' blade up to my crotch as he said it. Oh well, I guess he's just slow now…
"It's not the gun you should be worried about Sammy Whammy!" The ski mask shouted, and the name upset Sam, because everything upset Sam, because being a man with feelings also meant you also had no spine.
"NOOO! I WON'T GO TO THE MALL WITH YOU! I DON'T WANT YOUR ICE CREAM! YOU'RE A BAD GROWN UP!" Sam screamed, and then screamed louder, because his screaming scared him. "WHOSE TALKING?"
The ski mask left with a scowl on his face. "This is so not worth it!" He turned to walk away and was met with a wall of Dean Winchester.
"What are you doing to my precious baby brother you mangy curr!" Each word was punctuated with a punch to the man's face, that left Ski Mask with no face at all, only a lot of blood that pooled into the shape of Florida where his eyes, nose, and mouth used to be.
Once that maniac was dispatched off, Dean knelt down beside Sam, touching his chesnut, brown, long, baby locks that were forever falling in his face. "It's okay little baby brother Samuel; your Dean is here!" He picked up Sam with no effort, even though his brother had 40 extra pounds of weight on him, and had broken all but three ribs in his body.
But he was Super Dean, so he did it anyway. He ran with Sam back upstairs, stripped him down, gave him a bath, put him into Spiderman Footie Pajamas, and then tucked him into bed with a Laura Ashely white comforter embroidered with roses, which was Sam's favorite. None of this added any further injury to sam at all.
He held Sam's nose, and dumped two gallons of milk and honey down Sam's throat, because he had forgotten he was a grown man who had set Sam's bones since the age of 8. So milk and honey it was!
Dean then promptly scooped Sam up and wept, into his hair- chesnut colored he thinks – wailing now, for Cas, Castiel, to come and save them all!
"Dean-" Cas appeared like lightning, smelling like Popeye's Chicken because he had ran into a power line on the way over there. "What has happened my human friend?"
"SAM HURT HIMSELF! DO SOMETHING! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T EVEN TRY VERY HARD! DO SOMETHING!"
Once Cas's Angel Ears stopped ringing, he instantly healed Sam, making the younger man sigh in his sleep, content, right down to his footie pajamaed feet.
Dean's eyes were pools of teary gratitude. "Thank you! Thank you Cas! You saved him, and you're hot doing it!"
Cas looked confused at Dean's outburst. "Thank you Dean, but I already know what you speak is the truth. I have always been the most attractive angel in my garrison. But, I thought you were, you know –with Sam-"
Now Dean was confused, looking down at his brother, who was coloring in his sleep with Red Robin Crayons, Adorable little ragamuffin! "I guess I forget sometimes-"
"There is no shame in homosexuality Dean-" Cas insisted.
"Oh I know, Friend/Lover Cas." Dean agreed. "Dude's gotta swing how they swing. But, for some reason, I'm only drawn to my brother, and to you, guess I just love incest, and screwing supernatural friends!" he barked a laugh that made Cas laugh too.
"Of course, it's very obvious when you put it like that." The angel's wings appeared like Zip Gliders from his trench coat, huge white fluffy Christmas Pageant Wings. "I've procured the Digital Versatile Disc of 'Not with My Daughter' from the Lifetime Movie Channelthat you wished to have a viewing of."
Dean's smile broke all the bones in his face. "You are AWESOME Castiel! I'll bring popcorn!" He winked, with one eye, then two, just to make sure the first wink wouldn't be lonely.
"My favorite." Cas smiled and vanished, Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" trumpeting in his wake.
Bobby Singer suddenly materialized in Cas's place, his bulldog, pug face, going to Sam, seeing him sleep so happily, so peacefully, drawing daisies with crayons in his coloring book in Dean's lap.
Bobby's eyes shot murder-daggers at Dean. "What the Sam Hill, in the name of Ulysses S. Grant are you doing to Sammy Dean!"
Sam woke up at all the yelling, his eyes found Bobby's: "Bobby! BOBBY! Dean SAVED ME, He kicked that bad man to hell, he fixed me all up, Cas helped! And look!" He held up a red crayon "He gave me these! Oh, and he said something like: "I love you Sammy, you're my whole world, I'm so sorry I hurt you, I'll protect you until my last damn breath."
Now Bobby's gaze was a black thunderstorm-hurricane on Dean. "You idjit bastard! WHAT DID YOU DO!"
"I KNOW!" Dean wailed, crying, snot leaking out of him like water. "EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!"
"DAMN RIGHT YOU IMPOTENT HALF WIT OF A MAN! DAMN RIGHT IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Bobby screamed. "How dare you have your own feelings and self doubt over Sam! How dare you! I MOCK YOUR FEELINGS!"
"NO!" Sam screamed. "Please don't mock Dean's feelings Bobby! I can't bear it, my heart condition/paralyzed legs and arms/OCD-head cold can't bear it!"
"I DON'T mock your feelings Dean!" Bobby said, taking it back. "Because Sam said so, and I don't give a flying crap about anyone else!"
Dean wept harder. "That's all I wanted to hear Bobby! THANK YOU!" He rocked Sam, singing the entire score of: "La Boheme" to him, suddenly having an in tune, singer's voice that would rival Pavarati.
"You're welcome you jackass Winchester," Bobby left the hotel to begin walking the 800 miles back home.
Castiel came back, shaped like a gummy bear, wearing Greek armor from the future. "Lucifer is good now Dean! I have seen it come to fruition in the FUTURE! We can stop fighting, and do the monkey dance. And because I am now made of a candy shaped, lime flavored wild bear, you may literally eat me!"
"And it doesn't creep me out!" Dean said gleefully. "NOTHING about you, wanting my brother's soul for your plan to take over heaven with a demon, betraying me, none of it creeps me out! Not when're you're a green gummy bear! I just want to jump your gummy bones!"
"Yes. Yes. An Excellent Undertaking Dean Mary Winchester. But, first, may I suggest deaging and shrinking you? It will ride you off all your problems, because you didn't have an emotionally stressful child hood, watching out for your kid brother, being both mother and father to him while your dad hunted what took away your mom. Plus, I am certain madness of a comedic nature will ensue!"
"YES, YESS!" Dean screamed, dancing, with Sam's sleeping form in his arm as a partner. "And you can meet our sister! The one Dad never told us about, who can shoot telepathy balls from her eyes! Man, those things are wicked!"
"We must do this, yes!" Cas agreed jumping up and down like a child. "And Lucifer will join us, he has reformed, he's in love with your brother, and they are going to be married inside a volcano!"
Sam woke up and wept. "I'm so damn happy! I've dreamed of this for so long! Ever since Jessica died!"
Dean cried because Sam cried.
"It's freakin' SUPERNATURAL Sammy Whammy!"
Best laugh I've had in a while.