Chapter 1: Recipe for Disaster

Ashley, Red and all other WarioWare characters, locations, etc. are owned by Nintendo.

Some say that at midnight, strange things tend to happen at the haunted mansion in the spooky woods of Diamond City. That's simply not true – they tend to happen at 11 o' clock at night, though they overrun a bit sometimes. Why 11 o' clock? Well my mistress prefers to work at night but, since she still goes to school, she needs to get up in the morning. Not to mention that a girl needs her beauty sleep, especially Ashley. If Ashley doesn't get enough sleep, she can get really, really, really angry, and you won't like her when she's angry. I sure don't.

Who am I? Come on, you mean you don't recognise this handsome devil? Well the name's Red, and I do Ashley's dirty work. You know, tidy the mansion, get ingredients from the store, help her make potions, that kind of thing. I like helping her with potions – I'm always curious about what happens when you put different things into a cauldron and stir them. Sometimes it's kind of funny when they go wrong too! Ashley doesn't think so though, so she makes me read the instructions out to her. I can't remember all the recipes but I know my way around those potion books.

I admit, Ashley doesn't thank me for my hard work or anything and it would be nice to see her act a little more ... cheery. Seriously, if I had a penny for every day she didn't smile, I'd be a millionaire! But let me tell you, I tried to make her happy once. It didn't go well at all.

It all started on the 10th of March. I was busy dusting so I didn't know what happened to Ashley at school that day, but whatever it was, it must have been big. When she came in, her face was almost as red as her dress and she was fuming like one of her potions. Before I could even say anything, she stomped past me and into her library in the basement. Not that I was going to say anything, but still, this was rare even for her. Maybe I should've turned into a sceptre and gone to school with her instead of tidying the mansion. That way, whoever was making her mad, she could just wave me around and turn them into a frog.

This was when I began to think "If only there was a way of making her happy." Ashley isn't one for random presents so I could forget about that, and I could cross talking to her off the list as well. Then it hit me: a happiness potion! Sure, I'd never made a potion by myself before, but how hard could it be? I mean, the instructions were always so simple: put things in the cauldron, boil them, stir at the right times and somehow apply the potion (the books always tell you how to apply it). Only one problem: the potion books were in the library along with an upset Ashley. Well I was just going to have to risk being the main ingredient for her next potion. Man, if I had a penny for every time she said that ... you get the idea.

So I decided to go and get the book I needed from the library: Level 3 Potions A-H. I just wanted to go in, grab the book and get out without her noticing, but a creaky step gave me away.

"What are you doing here?" Ashley growled. She was reading something (I'm not sure what it was) and didn't even turn around to face me.

"Just getting a book," I replied, with more than a hint of fear in my voice. I mean, would you be able to talk confidently if the person you had to answer to was in a foul mood and could turn you into a snail?

"Fine, but put it back when you're done," she said. I guessed that Ashley was too mad to threaten me or hurt me, so I could get the book I wanted and get out without any trouble.

Once I was out of the library, I opened the book. The pages were still soggy. There's a little story behind that actually. What happened was, a potion that Ashley and I were making one time splashed onto this book and the words in it started disappearing. First the page numbers, then the names of the potions. If Ashley hadn't cast a time freeze spell on it, the recipes would've disappeared too! And thank goodness the contents page was mostly unharmed. But now whenever I want to use this book for anything, I have to make sure I turn the page the right number of times. This time, what I wanted was the recipe for a happiness potion. Well, there wasn't a happiness potion on the contents page, but I did see one called 'elation potion'. That means happiness, doesn't it? So I counted the number of times I turned the page – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Like I said, I know my way around these books, with or without page numbers at the bottom and recipe titles at the top.

So I had a look at the recipe. Funny how all the ingredients I needed were ones that we were running out of. We barely had enough for one elation potion and definitely not enough for two, so I had to get this right first time. The book told me to start with gorilla bile and tiger blood and stir that for ten seconds. The last time I stirred before this, we were making some strength potion and I accidentally fell in the cauldron. I nearly drowned in there! So this time I was extra careful not to fall in. I mean, it wasn't all bad that time. Since falling into the strength potion, I've been able to lift up Ashley's bed and clean up under it. This time, however, I definitely wanted to stay out of the mixture.

Next came eye of newt. Ashley says eye of newt is cliché. I say it's a classic. Then I had to add some powdered shark teeth. I know that doesn't sound like something you'd put in an elation potion, but Ashley and I had never made this stuff before so I just had to trust the book. Three pickled earwigs were next. By this point the potion was really starting to smell. Then I had to boil and stir the mixture. Even though Ashley's a witch, she still makes me use a match to light a fire under the cauldron, so I used a match to light a fire under the cauldron before I started stirring again. Soon the potion turned bright green and glowed faintly so I blew out the fire and looked at what the book said next. 'Apply by pouring on target or immersing target.' There was no way Ashley would fit in the cauldron so I couldn't immerse her in the potion, which meant I had to pour it on her. But how was I going to convince Ashley to let me pour this on her when I didn't even tell her I was making it? Not to mention the potion was still very hot. Then I remembered where the door to the library was.

"If I can get the cauldron up the stairs, I can get it into position to pour the potion on Ashley as soon as she comes back up!" I thought out loud. "Red, you're a genius!" Of course, I had to wait for the cauldron and the potion to cool down. By the time they did, it was already night-time. Surprisingly, Ashley didn't come back up while I was waiting, so I lifted the cauldron above my head and carried it upstairs. It felt somewhat lighter at the top.

Once I got it into position, all I had to do was wait for the right moment and tip. The handrail on the landing would stop the cauldron from falling on Ashley. But then I realised that she wouldn't just stand in the right spot. I had to put something there to keep her distracted for a few seconds. Luckily, I hadn't finished cleaning up the front room so I picked up some of the stuff that was still lying around on the floor and dumped it all about a yard in front of the door to the library. At that moment, I heard footsteps – Ashley was coming back up. I rushed back to the cauldron and prepared myself.

The door opened. I could see Ashley walk up to the heap on the floor and pause. This was it. I tilted the cauldron forward just as Ashley started to speak.

"Red, what is this doing here?" she asked crossly. Just as she finished saying the word 'here', the elation potion hit. She got soaked from head to toe in the stuff! The plan had worked! I started thinking about how happy she'd suddenly be. I wondered if she might even hug me. Instead, I got a very loud, very angry "REEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"

I didn't understand what had gone wrong. I followed the recipe! But I had to get away from Ashley. As she charged up the stairs, I climbed up onto the handrail then jumped off of it and landed in the front room. Then, while she was rushing back down, I quickly checked the recipe and discovered that I had missed something: the last step. I only had time to read 'Add moonlight within 2' before Ashley was upon me. How I managed to get past her I do not know, but I ran outside because it was a full moon that night – plenty of moonlight to finish the job. And sure enough, Ashley followed me outside but paused after five steps and said something about feeling funny. Now the potion was working!

But it wasn't working like I expected. I could see her face and it was not getting any happier. In fact, I think she was becoming more cross. I had to go back inside and find out what was wrong. I reread the recipe and checked that I had done everything it said. 'Pour in gorilla bile and tiger blood.' Check. 'Stir for ten seconds.' Check. 'Add eye of newt, powdered shark teeth and three pickled earwigs.' Check, check and check. 'Boil and stir.' Check. 'Apply by pouring on target or immersing target.' Well I poured it on so check. 'Add moonlight within 2 minutes of applying enlargement potion to target.' This was when I realised that all this time I had been making the wrong potion! How could I have made such a big mistake? Panicking, I checked the number of page turns I made from the contents page to get to this recipe: one, two, three, four, five ... and then I discovered that two of the pages had stuck together. I continued counting page turns and, sure enough, I had counted the stuck-together pages as one. I couldn't tell but I'm pretty sure my face went pale at that point.

I'd like to say I bravely opened the front door and went outside to see how bad the damage was, but it was more like nervously. As I feared, Ashley had already grown as tall as the mansion (and nearly as wide as the front room) and she wasn't stopping. I probably should've gone back inside, but I was too scared to move. I'm not just saying that either! Then she glared down at me furiously and picked me up between a huge thumb and forefinger. She just kept getting bigger and bigger until she was about twelve times as big as normal with little old me in her giant grasp! She lifted me up until I was level with her mouth. It wasn't a very happy mouth either.

I was dead meat.

So here is my first story. It's actually an idea I had several years ago and forgot about until I recently discovered this site. I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. It's pretty much all set-up for the rest of the story. Some feedback would be nice. If it's worth continuing this, it'll end up with at least five chapters. Rated T because there is the possibility of some T-rated stuff sneaking in in a later chapter.