Chapter One: Hit it up
"Hey, this is Doug, sorry I'm not here right now. If you could leave your name, number and a brief message, I'll get back to you."
"Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't- but do me a favor, don't text me, it's gay."
"Hello, you've reach Dr. Stuart Price Divine Dentistry, sorry I can't pick up the phone…"
"Hola! This is Parker, and you've reached my voicemail. Sorry I couldn't pick up, but I'll try and call back if I can. And Tracy, if this is you, it's all your fault."
"Tracy. It's Phil."
"Phil, where the hell are you guys?"
"We fucked up."
"What do you mean?"
" The whole bachelor party, it got out of control." he paused. "We can't find Doug."
"What do you mean you can't find him?"
"Phil, we get married in five hours!"
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen."
This all started because of her, Tracy. You see, she was getting married to my childhood best friend and twin, Doug Billings. I was her Maid of Honor. I haven't seen Stu…or even Phil for over seven years, and I was their best friend in middle through high school…and I kind of dated Phil…and he got me pregnant. Being asked randomly to go on their bachelor party…very weird.
"Come on, do this for me!" said Tracy, following after me. I sighed and turned around.
"Why, so that Phil can fucking knock me up again? No thank you." I replied, walking away. She grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"Listen, I know Phil can be an ass a lot of the time, but I want you to watch over Alan. You don't even have to party with them. Just make sure Phil doesn't do anything and watch over Alan. That's it. Parker, do this for me." she asked, not letting my arm go. I sighed.
"I think I don't really have a choice in the matter. Alright, when is it?" I asked, ripping my arm out of her hand. She squealed and clapped her hands.
"Doug and Alan are leaving in about fifteen minutes." she replied. I cocked an eyebrow.
"Umm…" I began, but she stopped me in mid sentence.
"I already packed for you." she said, motioning for me to follow her up the stairs. It figures, she knows she can get me to do anything. I followed her up into her room and saw a fully packed suitcase. "See?"
"Yep. Awesome. Alright, I'll go downstairs." I said, walked out the door. "Just letting you know, if anything happens to me…it's your fault." I added, turning around and giving her my best serious face. She laughed at me.
"Yeah, whatever. I'll pick Emily up from school and tell her that your on a trip." she screamed after me. I yelled "Okay" and trudged down the stairs to her garage, where Sid was handing over the keys to his Mustang to Doug. Man, that car. I wanted it so bad! Alan was being frenched by a dog…looked like a Great Dane. When Sid saw me, he waved.
"Hello Parker! How are yah?" he asked in a Sid-ish way. I smiled and shrugged.
"Just got the 'news' you were telling me about. I can't wait!" I said with fake enthusiasm. He laughed.
"Just watch over them." he said, walking away. I smiled and walked over to Doug. He gave me a weird look.
"Parker? You ready?" he asked, obviously confused. I smiled and laughed.
"Wassup Dougie?" I asked, smiling. He looked at me, then pulled me into a hug.
"How's Emily?" he asked, trying to catch up on my life. I gave him a look.
"To much like Phil, but good. Actually, she's a lot like both of us." I replied, opening the trunk and plopping my bag in. When I turned around, he was smirking at me.
"You and Phil are too much alike, Parker." he replied, throwing his own bag in. "Come on, Alan! Let's hit the rode!"
Now to get Phil, oh the fucking man whore. When we pulled up to a school, I about laughed.
"He teaches?" I asked to the air. Doug laughed, but Alan looked…well…NonAlanish.
"Do you have to park so close?" he asked, hand on his head, sliding down the seat. Doug looked back at me, and I shrugged.
"Yes, why?" questioned Doug, obviously confused. Alan shrunk down more.
"I shouldn't be here. I'm not aloud to be within 200 feet of a school." he began, scratching his beard. My mouth opened into a large O.
"What?" asked Doug. He was shocked.
"Or a Chuck'E'Cheese." he finished awkwardly. I tried to hide my laugh under my breath, but it went out. Doug turned and glared at me, mumbling something about how Phil and I were so similar. YEAH RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER! Similar my ass.
Finally, after so much waiting he came out. Aviators and all. Damn, he looked fine! Phil grew up…now he was more sexy. Wait…what?
"Mr. Wenneck…" began a kid, following Phil. Phil kept walking, obviously trying to avoid him.
"It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you, you don't exist." he said walking up to the car. He looked at it and whistled. "Damn, nice car. I'm driving." He threw his bag at me and climbed into the car, with Doug complaining of course. He looked over to where I was sitting and cocked an eyebrow.
"What?" I asked, trying not to be all…meish. He laughed and pulled me into a hug.
"Holy Shit. Parker Billings. I swear I would've never seen you again…since…high school." he said awkwardly. Um…HELL YEAH!
"Blame Tracy, and yes, Emily's fine." I replied, answering the already expected. Phil nodded and looked at Alan.
"Who's this?" he asked, pointing towards Alan. Doug sighed.
"Alan, Tracy's brother." he replied, starting the car up again.
Alan looked back at Phil, "I've met you like four times."
"Oh yeah. How've you been man?"
Now for the final piece, Stuart Price. Aha…I missed picking on him. When we rolled up to the house, after waiting five seconds, Phil thought it would be good to get his attention.
Cupping his hands on the sides of his mouth, he screamed, "Paging Dr. Faggot!" I laughed as he paused. "Dr. Faggot!"(A/N: Okay…Dr. Faggot has a better ring than Dr. Douche bag, just saying) A few seconds later, Stu came out with the lingering figure of…her. Melissa. She fucked my boyfriend last June.
"God, I was just covering for you," he began, putting his things into the trunk. He slid into the car and looked at me. "Hey Parker." he said, not even realizing who I was. He did a double take.
"Hey Stuart." I smirked. He laughed and pulled my into a hug.
"PARKER! How've you been buddy?" he asked. I smiled and shrugged.
"The usual. I got my doctoring permit last June and celebrated on a cruise! OH! By the way, your devil spawn girlfriend totally fucked my ex. He was a bartender on a cruise." I stated as Doug pulled away from the house. "And Em's fine."
"Wait…what?" he asked, confused. Phil started laughing his head off, obviously amused by my outburst. "Are you pregnant again or something, because you weren't this mean until…OW!" he exclaimed at me. I hit him…hard. I shrugged.
"Don't mess with a used-to-be-pregnant lady." I muttered as we made it on the innerstate.
"WHOO! ROAD TRIP!" screamed Alan, waving his face in the air like a dog. I couldn't help but snicker, he was so funny! I loved this guy! He looked at a little girl in the car next to us. "YEAH! VEGAS BABY!" She flipped him off, and he sat down…sad and feeling disused. I laughed, stealing the beer out of Phil's hand and taking a sip.
"Oh come on! Let me drive. Everyone's passing us." said Phil, whining. I flicked him for whining.
"No, I'm not letting you touch this car. Especially after what you did to Parker's a few years back in high school." replied Alan, keeping his eyes on the road. I laughed.
"HEY! That was one time! And I was driving her to pick her up from the doctor's office!" he shouted back, pissed. I smirked.
"Whatever. Alan, please explain to them about the car." asked Doug, still eyeing the road.
"My dad loves this car more than he loves me." he said. I felt my heart drop.
"Whatever man! I'm leaving my wife and kid at home to go on this trip!" stated Phil. I laughed at his expression. Alan commented on how sweet it was. "Are you kidding? I fucking hate my life, and I'm going through a divorce. I would stay in Vegas if I could."
"Here we go." muttered Doug. I snickered, hiding the laugh under my breath as best I could. Stu rolled his eyes, while Alan looked very into a book he was reading.
"Alright, it says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?" asked Alan. He was obviously reading about Blackjack.
"Alan, Tracy said no gambling. And plus, it sounds like you want to count cards! That's fucking illegal." I replied, stealing the book from him and looking at the title. Doug nodded.
"And you have to be smart to do it." he added, finishing my statement. I guess finishing statements was a twin thing. I nodded at that. I'm sorry…but to me…Alan was a fucking moron.
"Well it's not illegal, it's frowned upon. Like masturbating on a plane. And plus it's a foul proof system." he retorted, being completely serious. Phil and Stu looked at each other.
"I'm pretty sure that's illegal too." said Phil, giving Alan a confused look. I laughed under my breath.
"Well after 9/11, everyone got sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden." he paused. "And besides, Rain Man basically bank rupt a casino and he was a ruhtard." stated Alan, proudly. He looked back into his book.
"Retard." corrected Doug. I laughed, fully out now. Oh how this was going to be interesting.
We had to stop for gas…it would be like Doug to not get gas before we left. Alan was filling the car up while we were getting stuff to eat. I had a bottle of peach ice tea and a bag of lifesavers gummies. Phil munched on a bay of Lays while Stu talked to Melissa…THE FUCKING DEVIL…while looking around for water. Phil was watching Alan yell at an old man.
"What a nice car you've got there." said the man, checking out the car. Alan glared at the old man and shifted his body weight.
"Don't look at the car. Don't even think about it, you know what? Don't even look at me." he said, shooing the man away. The old man walked away, giving Alan a look of confusion. "That's right…walk away. I'm not afraid to hit an old man in public." I laughed at Alan, so confused on how he, a man that looked as if two turkeys were shoved up his stomach(A/N: GAG REEL!), could be so threatening to other people.
"He's pretty funny. Is he all there…like mentally?" asked Phil to Doug. Doug gave him a sideways glance.
"Yeah, he is. He's just a little odd. A little weird." replied Doug, throwing something on the counter. I put my iced tea and lifesavers down.
"Alan can be…interesting at times. I'm just warning you now." I added as I put my stuff down. Phil gave me a look.
"And you would know this?" he asked, scratching his chin. I shrugged.
"Well, after high school I went to college with Tracy, and we became instant friends. I was also in college with that bitch Stu calls his girlfriend. And besides, Trace said we have to watch over him." I replied, slipping him a weak smile. Doug nodded.
"Yep, she said we shouldn't let him gamble or drink to much." stated Doug, throwing us the obvious. Phil sighed.
"Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit." he added, running his left hand through his hair…his sexy-no wait! I'm doing it again. Stu came and placed a water on the counter.
"And one water." he said, throwing his phone back in his pocket. I glared and rolled my eyes.
"So how's the devil?" I asked, poking his side. He shrugged me off and eyed my with annoyance.
"She think's we're two hours out of wine country…and she doesn't know you're here. So, Melissa is good." he said, glaring at me. The cashier, who looked very annoyed, rung up our items. The total price was 32.50. I looked at Stu.
" 32.50, you got this man?" asked Phil, grabbing his chips and walking outside. I glared at him and slipped in a twenty for good measure.
After so many hour of unwanted driving, we finally made it to Casers' Palace in Vegas. We walked in, Alan with his…purse thing…and me with my suitcase that Tracy packed. We headed to the front desk to see a lady named Lisa, she was the front desk person.
"Can I help you?" she asked, obviously not taken up with us. Stu looked at her and smiled.
"Yes, we have reservations under Dr. Price." he said, trying to impress. I rolled my eyes and sat on my suitcase.
"Let me just get that for you." she replied, scrolling through the database. Phil gave Stu a weird look.
"Dr. Price? Dude, you a dentist, don't try and get all fancy. He's a dentist, so if anyone get's hurt, you should call 911." he replied, looking at the girl. I rolled my eyes.
"Umm…hello?" I piped in, catching his attention. Phil turned around and laughed.
"Unless you have my friend here, who actually is a doctor." he added, winking at me. I rolled my eyes, once again, and stood up.
"I'll be sure to do that. It says that you guys have a two bed room on the eighth floor." she said, looking back up at us. Doug smiled and nodded.
"That should be fine. Right guys?" he asked. Phil shook his head.
"Well if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?" asked Alan, giving Phil a serious look. Now he looked uncomfortable.
"No, I'm not cool with that. What are we, twelve?" he began. He looked at Lisa's name tag. "Look, Lisa, do you have any villas available?"
"We have one that is available for forty-two hundred a night." she replied. Phil smiled.
"Is it awesome?" asked Alan, confused. She gave him a 'duh' look.
"It's pretty awesome." she replied.
"Does it have toilets?" he asked(A/N: see the gag reel and outtakes to see that :D), still serious. I snickered.
"Yes, it does." she replied, giving him a 'WTF' glance.
"We'll take it." replied Phil, glancing at Alan to see if he would be anymore random.
"No, you don't have-" began Doug, but I cut in…finally.
"Yes we do. Now come on! This is like…your last night…with your buddies. COME ON DOUG! Live it up!" I said, putting my hands on his shoulders and shaking him.
"Fine then." he replied, budging. I smiled a smile of triumph and looked at Stu, evilly.
"You're the doctor, give your card." I said, smirking. Stu looked at me and began to freak out.
"What? No…Melissa checks my statements." he replied, still freaking out. I laughed.
"Another reason why she's a bitch." I mumbled. Phil heard me and laughed.
"We won't charge you until you check out." said Lisa, obviously done with us. Stu nodded and gave her the credit card. She handed it back and gave us two keycards. I took one, Phil the other, and we headed up to our room.
"Holy Shit! Look at this place!" said Phil, walking in. I came in, last, and looked around.
"Jesus! This place is amazing." I agreed. We looked at each other.
"Alright, pick a room and get ready ladies. Meet out here in thirty minutes, you hear that Parker? Thirty minutes." said Phil annoyingly. I flipped him off and went to the room far off to the left and slammed the door. I threw my suitcase on the bed and unzipped it.
In it were: my Maid of Honor Dress and matching shoes, two pairs of my favorite skinny jeans, a picture of Godzilla attacking a town(all cartoonish) on a shirt, my black four inch gladiator heels, a white and black mini dress, and a black sleeveless cocktail dress that went to midthigh. Tracy did really pack this bag…and stole my heels.
I decided to wear the white and black dress and heels, so I threw them on my bed. Walking into the bathroom and looking at myself, I noticed my hair was a mess. I went back to my bag and searched for a curler. I found one, of course. Trace would pack me a fucking curler. In ten of the thirty minutes, I finished my hair and went onto my makeup. I applied a smoky eye with a touch of red in my lips. Staring into the mirror, I felt satisfied.
After I put on my dress and shoes, I noticed how hot I looked in it. Tracy might have had some superior motive for me going on this trip. Feeling everything was good, I walked to Stu's room and leaned against the open door frame.
Stu was talking to the bitch on the phone in his boxer briefs, while Phil was lounged on his bed and Doug was standing near the door. When I came into view, Phil whistled.
"Well isn't someone looking sexy?" asked Phil, a smirk written on his face. I shot him a glare and rolled my eyes.
"Shut it, Phil." I growled, still leaned against the wall. He smirked even more then turned his attention to Stu who asked for it. Doug winked at me, noticing how stunning his twin was looking.
"Where's Alan?" he asked, looking around to look for the weirdo. I shrugged and pointed outside.
"He's out to get some…things." replied Doug, putting emphasis on the word 'things'. I laughed and shook my head. Ah, that weirdo.
"Good, because I have to show you something." he replied, doing a few awkward poses with each word. He pulled out something I recognized to be a ring box. Oh SHIT NO!
"What is that?" growled/asked Phil. He looked like he was about to hit Stu, who gave him a 'duh' look.
"What do you think it is?" asked Stu, waiting for his reply. I rolled my eyes.
"It's a fucking mistake." replied Phil. I nodded in agreement.
"You're gonna marry that whore? Shit, Stu, she fucked my boyfriend." I said, giving him a death glare.
"Yeah…he did fuck a waiter." agreed Phil. Doug hit him playfully on the foot, grabbing his attention.
"It wasn't a waiter, it was a bartender. You know that." chided Doug halfheartedly. Doug hit Phil's foot with a bit of humor.
"I'm going to propose at your wedding." said Stu, talking to Doug and completely ignoring Phil and I. We glanced at each other.
"Well, congrats man!" said Doug, smiling at Stu. He nodded and looked at me and Phil.
"Isn't that your grandma's holocaust ring?" I asked, looking down at the beautiful piece of jewelry. He nodded. "She's not worth it." Phil nodded.
"Hey guys, are you ready to let the dogs out?" asked Alan, completely out of the blue. I looked back at him to see his hand on his hip as he blew his hair out of his face. I smirked.
"What?" asked Phil, confused. Alan gave him a serious look.
"You know, who let the dogs out, hoo, hoo hoo, hoo." sang Alan, dancing a little. I gave Doug and amused glance.
"Yes Alan, we're ready to let the dogs out."
We were waiting for the elevator to come, and when it dinged I saw an interesting sight. A man, who looked like a pimp, was starring down at his girlfriends crotch, who had a hooker like look to her. I mentally puked.
"We're going up." said the pimp in an accented voice. Phil smiled.
"Perfect, so are we." he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the elevator. Everyone else jumped in. The pimp dude was staring at me, I noticed and obviously so did Phil, because he slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his side. I smirked and rested my head near his shoulder like I used to do.
When we finally got up to where we need to be, which I would say is on the roof, we need to admire the view. Vegas looks beautiful from up here. Alan was fiddling with something, and turned around with a bottle of Jaegermeister. I smiled.
"Oh, a little Jagermeister action." said Doug, grabbing one of the shot glasses Alan had. We all grabbed one too.
"I would like to make a toast to Tracy and Doug. May this night be a small bump on the way of a long healthy marriage." said Stu, bring his glass to the middle. I followed and brought my glass to his, as did everyone else. We downed the drinks, and I coughed.
"Alright we need to get-" began Phil, but was cut off by Alan.
"I would-I'd like to say some words I've prepared for this night." interrupted Alan, looking at all of us. We nodded.
"How bout that ride in. I guess that's why they call it sin city. Ha ha ha. You guys might not know this but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one man wolfpack. Then Tracy introduced to me her buddy in college, Parker, Doug's twin, and she joined my wolfpack, being a wolfette. But when my sister brought Doug home I knew he was one of my own. And my wolfpack, it grew by one. So there were three of us in the wolfpack. I was alone first in the pack and then Doug and Parker, the twins, joined in later. And 6 months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys I thought, 'Wait a second, could it be?' And now I know for sure that I just added two guys to my wolfpack. Five of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast." he said, pulling out a knife. My eyes went wide as he cut himself. Stu had a freak attack.
"What is he doing?" asked the freaked dentist. I tried to piece together everything in my mind.
"Blood brothers." said Alan simply, giving us another of his serious glances. I smirked. "Here." He tried handing the knife to Stu.
"I am not doing that." he replied. "Make him stop."
Doug sighed, "Alright, hand the knife over. Slowly. Thank you." He took the knife from Alan and chucked it away from us.
"Is he okay?" asked Phil. Doug nodded.
"Are you alright?" asked Phil to Alan, he nodded his head. "Alright then. Come here buddy." he said motioning for him to come into our huddle.
"Come here crazy." added Stu, no longer having an episode.
"To a night we will never remember, but never forget." said Phil, toasting again. We refilled and downed the drinks, ready to get on our crazy night.