Disobedient Anatomy:

Summary: Someday that thing is going to get Sam in trouble. [ONE-SHOT] [Kum, Est. Klaine]

A/N: This was inspired after reading far too many of Mellisa's fanfics. I really like the way she transitions from narrative to character's thoughts, and I wanted to try doing that. It's quite fun. I only did it, like, twice, though...


We all experience it at some point in our lives. Most of us on a day to day basis. There are different kinds of frustration. There's emotional frustration, when one simply can't get their feelings in order or understand them to save their life. You've been experiencing this, lately.

Mental frustration. When one has been attacking a problem from all angles and still can't seem to come up with a solution. You've had more than your fair share of this, too.

Sexual frustration. You could write a book about it. Sam Evans is Not On Speaking Terms With His Penis, you could call it. It's not your fault. It's the damn organ's fault. Always sitting down when it should be standing up, and always standing up when it should definitely be sitting down.

For example, a few months ago all of the girls in your club (including your then-girlfriend) were doing a very sexy musical number, clad in leather and dancing around in ways that should have been highly provocative. Somehow, they weren't. You felt nothing in your head, and you felt nothing in more... southern regions. Frankly, you were distracted by Kurt's phone and wondering whose text he was smiling about. That might've had something to do with it.

Another example: You'd only spoken to Kurt a few times when he broke off your duet. While you were in the shower. You were kind of confused and somewhat hurt, even after he explained his reasoning, but you were also very distracted. One, you were very aware of your rather unclothed state. Two, you were very aware of Kurt's completely clothed state, and three- for whatever reason- you were a bit irritated at being the only naked one.

Full attention. You tried to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. You thanked Merlin that Kurt hadn't happened to look down. Then he walked away. You made the mistake of watching him walk away. Full attention, and suddenly twice as uncomfortable.

Now, there are times your equipment behaves as it should- at least, how you think it should. However, these times are few and far between, and you're beginning to think they're more a result of hyper-active teenage hormones than any genuine attraction to the female form. Far more often you find yourself standing tall when thinking about Kurt and aren't you supposed to go commando when you wear a kilt?

That one was awkward. Your dress pants were no camoflauge for that rager. You thought you might be able to control it if you stopped thinking about ease of access and- DAMN IT!

Luckily, your errant wood usually wasn't noticed by anyone. Usually. To be completely accurate, it was only noticed once.

Unfortunately, the one time it was noticed it was by the second worst possible person to do so. The first being Kurt. The second being Kurt's boyfriend.

Just for fun, after they all got back from New York, the glee club decided to put on a little free concert. Everyone performed, and became audience members when not on stage. Following Santana and Brittany's performance of "All She Wants to do is Dance" (Brit dancing, San singing), Kurt took the stage for a rendition of "All That Jazz".

Kurt probably hadn't realized how provocative he looked, dancing around in those skinny jeans. His boyfriend- Blair, or Blah, or something- did, and looked slightly upset about it. However, he seemed to think he was the only other guy in the room who swung that way, and probably felt more secure about it, then.

You noticed how fucking amazing Kurt looked as well, and happened to be sitting one seat away from the afore-mentioned boyfriend. Not by choice. You tried to avoid the guy whenever you could. It just so happened that the seat between the two of you had been occupied by Kurt, and you wanted to sit next to him.

Your shoulders stiffened and you ground your teeth together as you realized your "equipment" was acting up again, and tried your best to not look as if anything was happening. Bland noticed you stiffening, though, and turned to look at you. Though the lighting in the auditorium was dim, he was still able to see the tent in your pants. It took him a few seconds to put two and two together, but when he did he was furious.

You added another item to your List of Reasons I Despise Blair Warbler: He was extremely self-involved. Without even thinking about how whole-heartedly his boyfriend was still performing, he leapt to his feet and started yelling at you. Kurt tried to keep singing, but everyone's attention had turned to Blur.

You knew Bland was perfectly within his rights to be pissed at you- what wasn't within his rights was interrupting the performance Kurt had worked so hard on. He definitely didn't have the right to put that look on Kurt's face. For once your body listened to what you wanted to do, and the offending tent collapsed. That didn't solve the problem at hand, but it did eliminate a major distraction.

You told Blame to shut up before he ruined the whole concert, and he shot back that he would when you stopped ogling his boyfriend. You replied that he wasn't being a very good boyfriend right now, but he didn't seem to realize he had done anything wrong, and continued arguing with you.

Up until Kurt shouted for everyone to just shut up, and everyone just shut up. He continued that he would talk to you and Blair later, and it was time for Tina's performance.

Later on, you found out Kurt got in quite the argument with Blair over the whole debacle, and you felt just absolutely miserable over it. Your manhood had never gotten you in so much trouble before- even the Beiste situation paled in comparison to this.

Kurt was understanding, if a little icked out about it (his performance had not been intended to get that sort of reaction), and said you could talk to him about the whole, "liking boys" thing anytime you wanted. Obviously he thought your reaction was more due to sexual frustration / repression than any genuine attraction to him.

Which was complete bull shit. You didn't get that way over just anyone. Kurt was incredibly sexy, and seemed completely unaware of it. Which was also bull shit and- you didn't even feel bad about thinking this- probably because of stupid Blank.

You ended up blurting out much more than you ever intended to about the various times Kurt had caused this exact "condition" of yours, then, realizing what you had just let slip, covered your face and turned around. You also prayed quite a bit that The Powers That Be would give Kurt a little bit of laser guided amnesia.

No such luck. Both of you were completely silent for a long, awkward moment, before you overcame your mortification- a little- and apologized. Kurt accepted, looking more than a little flustered himself. You cursed mentally, thinking your stupid penis had just ruined any chance you might have had with the (literal) boy of your dreams.

Then he asked if you really thought he was sexy.

Sam Evans is Now Back On Speaking Terms With His Penis.

A/N: This didn't go quite as planned, but I guess that's what happens when I just sit there and type for a few hours straight. I think this might be the first fanfic I've written from 2nd person pov. Melissa's influence, again. She has some pretty awesome 2nd person fics. And present tense. Lord help me, I can't do present tense to save my life.

Also, this may be the dirtiest fic I've ever written. Huh.

I know that, as of right now, Kum is not canon. I can't predict what will happen in later episodes, but right now it isn't canon. That's not going to keep me from shipping it and writing fics for it. You write what you want, and I'll write what I want, okay? Let's not fill people's reviews with hate.