This story has been edited and re uploaded. Hopefully I've fixed up all the mistakes and confusing parts. Please let me know how it is.
Chapter One: Michael Vick, Idi Amin, and Olsen Twins
1 Week Before…
I could feel the wind in my face as the sun in the distance started going down. Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven. The sirens got louder and the flashing lights brighter. Six…Five…Four… I started reaching my arms out. I felt free up here, peaceful, I wish I could stay. Three…Two
"Alex lets bounce!" the brunette haired girl about ten paces away from me yelled. I snapped out of my daze, and everything around me set in. My two friends making a mad dash for the fire escape, the police sirens practically right beside us, the sun already gone.
I swung my legs up off the ledge and ran after my friends, taking the rickety metal steps beneath me two at a time. As soon as my feet touched the ground I was off, sprinting through the dark alleyways not even caring who or what I passed by.
"Get back here!" the voice of an adult man yelled as the police sirens went off again, attempting to cut us off at any alleyway they could.
My breath staggered but I kept running.
Hoping and praying that I wouldn't get lost or we wouldn't run into some unwanted people.
Just keeping the two shadowed figures in front of my within my sights was a challenge as we moved swiftly through the shadows.
As we approached a new street they both came to a short stop. I skidded to a stop in order to keep myself from ramming into the girl in front of me. "What…" the blonde shushed me and started backing up, I looked over her shoulder and immediately regretted it as I came face to face with a jock.
It's my uncle's, coach's funeral today. Confusing?
I'm Alexandra Rhode or Alex, I'm 14, and my uncle is Marcus Higgins, my fathers brother. He is insanely nice to me and my friends, but is a bit of a man whore when it comes to grown woman. And when I say a bit I mean a lot.
He is my dads brother but my dad left me and my mom when I was 6. He tried to take me with him, but he tended to frequently get drunk off his ass.
So my mom brought it to court. She gained custody, but is still close to my dad's family.
I look almost exactly like my mom when she was younger. Or atleast that's what I can see from pictures, the only difference between us is my blond hair.
Anyways, my uncle's childhood basketball coach just died and my mom told me to go with him over Fourth of July weekend so I could see the lake house in New England. And to get me out of town for a while, I might as well have a wanted poster of my face on the windows what with how many people have tried to fight me. Dumb Jocks.
I didn't exactly agree to coming at first but I'm happy the McKenzie family will be there.
I've met them already. Me and Charlotte or Charlie as I call her video chat all the time, Andre is funny and annoying at the same, Deanne is a cool person to be around, and Kurt is ok but is obsessed with cooking, that man sure loves his cooking shows.
Mama Ronzoni is like the grandmother I never had. I'm not talking the cool grandmother that bakes you cookies and doesn't tell your parents when you've done something bad. I'm talking about the full on cheek-pinching, chair sitting, insulting the son in law, kinda grandma.
We're currently in the car on my way to the funeral right now.
Marcus is driving and I had convinced him to bring my friends Kris Lauren and Rikki Stratt with us.
Kris is 12 and Rikki is 13.
Kris's real name is Kristina but no one can calls her that unless they want to lose their teeth.
We come from a town in Chicago that doesn't have the best system.
We have to fight for everything, so me and my friends resort to violence a lot. We're not exactly the ideal people to become friends with.
You see, our school is made up of groups.
The "rich kids" who are total snobs and live uptown.
The "pom poms" who are like cheerleaders at other schools but at our school they have others protect them.
The "dead heads" who are idiot perverted jocks.
And me and my friends are known as the "bad asses".
We all have boy names which we love whole-heartedly.
We kind of live double lives, we change our names when we are in different places. Its for safety and also fun. I love playing SPY.
We do that so people never know the real us, and so we never get to close.
In our lives things change in a second and lets face it no parent in their right mind wants their kids to be friends with troublemakers.
So here we are going by Laura, Jordan, and Brooke
We asked Marcus to call us that so no one suspects anything.
We got out of the car and walked up to the McKenzies who were in the parking lot of the church, while Marcus parked the car somewhere.
"Hey party people!" Alex yelled, "Lex!" Charlie yelled back running towards us.
"Hey Kris, Rikki." she said once she was near us "Looks like someone's excited. Which is weird considering it's a funeral." I said to her laughing.
She laughed too "Yep, you can't blame me though. I finally get to be with girls my age. I've been stuck with Andre the whole ride here and after that we had to sit around and talk to a bunch of old people I don't know."
"No need to lie Charlie. We know the truth just as well as you do. It's okay to admit it, were just that cool." Rikki told her softly as if speaking to a child.
"Of course you are." Charlie said in the same tone, touching her shoulder in mock reassurance to her, making my and Alex's smiles widen.
"So is anyone else here yet that we'll be at the lake house with?" Alex asked.
"Only Rob Hilliard and his wife Gloria." Charlie told us then added "Be careful when you look at them. They make out, like, a lot. It's so gross." she looked kinda green just thinking about it.
"And it looks like someone else is here too." I said glancing behind me to see a black truck. They all followed my gaze. "Someone's rolling in green." Rikki stated, "I bet you they're kids are spoiled brats" Alex added.
"I second that accusation, even though the older one is hot," I said once they got out of their car.
"Kris!" Alex hit me, "Hey its true." I argued with a shrug.
Rikki smiled and said "He's okay, I guess." Alex just shook her head "To young for me".
"Let's go say 'hi' to everyone." Charlie said and grabbed our arms, tugging us over to her parents and the newcomers.
"Hollywood!" Kurt shouted.
"McKenzie!" exclaimed the other guy, "And the whole McKenzie clan. Come here, man!" He opens his arms for the inevitable hug. Once that is out of the way, he draws back to hug Deanne and then says "Deanne, you look great!"
He gives her a little peck and says, "My wife's over there. Go say 'hi'." he jerks his head in the direction of a pretty Latino woman and a Asian girl probably in her early twenties and who was fussing over the children. A nanny.
"I see that ass is still growing," Kurt laughs, looking his old friend up and down. "Got a little Kardashian in there!" They both laugh lightly, and Lenny looks at Kurt quickly, before saying: "Oh, okay! Well, you've kind of turned into a little Michael Vick thing," he turns his eyes back to Kurt's, "if he was bulimic.".
And again they both laugh. Us girls crack up at that one. If that's what we're in for this weekend it might not be so bad.
"Little Lenny Feder!" Mama Ronzoni calls. We all stifle our giggles at the crazy hat with a giant bow on top of her head.
"Mama Ronzoni got big, huh?" Lenny whispers to Kurt, before stepping aside to go up to Mama.
"Look at this handsome hunk of prosciutto!" she says merrily, opening her arms up to him. "And such a big success! Come on, give Mama a kiss!" Lenny takes her hands and attempts to kiss her cheek, but only ends up getting her lips in his face.
"Can I get a–? Can I get a cheek at all?" he does a quick bob-and-weave and manages to get one on her cheek.
"I got you. I got you. Poked in the eye by the hat, but I'm all right!" he says, and Mama laughs. "How about your son-in-law here, I hear he's a house husband now." He looks dismissively towards Kurt as he combs Andre's hair, then back to Mama.
"Pfft! My daughter's gotta bust her hump all day to pay the bills," she said, crossing her arms and looking at 'Little Lenny' in a stubborn manor, "while dummy here stays home and cleans." Charlotte and Andre smile, but Kurt turns to Mama and says,
"I don't how you could talk to me like that when you look like Idi Amin with a propeller on your head." Mama glares at him and I cant help but laugh as Kurt goes back to Andre's hair.
Mama Ronzoni turns to us, "Little Lexie Higgins!" she copies the way of saying Lenny's name and comes over "Look at you all grown up and beautiful," she pinches Alex's cheeks "All you girls are. You're definitely gonna catch someone way better then dummy over their.".
I smile "Thank you. And I love the hat." she smiles back "Its okay no need to beg. I'm gon let you borrow it next time.". I look back at my friends with a 'Oh no what monster have I unleashed' look.
Luckily Deanne saves me by walking up.
"Roxanne, this is my mother!" she says, gesturing Roxanne towards Mama Ronzoni. As they start up there conversation all I can do is sigh in relief as my friends laugh at me.
I'm a gangster, biotch! Hot boy pulls his cell phone from his jackets inner pocket and looks at the message he apparently just received. His freckled brother dances boredly where he stands to the rap music that's playing.
"Whoa! Didn't I tell you to turn the phone off there, Greg?" Lenny asks seeming slightly embarrassed, looking past where Roxanne and Mama Ronzoni stand talking.
"Yeah," Greg says, looking up from his phone, "but it's my massage therapist.".
'Massage therapist?' Alex mouths to us. I know what she means, I mean I've never gotten a massage in my life and he's got a his own massage therapist?
"What? No, no. No cell phones!" Lenny tells him like he's ready to rip the phone out of his sons hands.
"Wait! No cell phones. Then I'm out of here." We heard Marcus say from behind us. Finally. How long can it take to park a car?
"Higgie!" Lenny exclaimed, walking up to Marcus with Kurt following right behind him.
"Who's ready to get their funeral on?" Marcus says in a sing-song voice, and does a little dance, before walking the rest of the way to meet Lenny. I roll my eyes and follow Alex who moved in beside him.
I wanna meet this 'Hollywood' guy.
"I'm sorry, death makes me weird. What's up, McKenzie?" They both give each other a one-armed hug and step back.
"You got those soft hands. Still using Palmolive?" Marcus asks him then turns to his other friend "Hey, what's up, Lenny?" and hugs him too.
"Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out!" Marcus begins to adjust the cuff of his sleeve.
"What does that mean?" Lenny says, with a half-laugh.
"Um, you're fat?" Marcus clarifys and we laugh at that one, Marcus and his bluntness.
"No way!" Lenny says, but laughs too just the same.
"Hey, guys, this is good news. I always wanted to represent you. You're the third Olsen twin?"
Higgins laughs, and mutters, "Keep it down." mock hurt laces his tone. "Hey, so these are your kids?" He gestures to Greg, Keithie, and Becky. Rita is bending down in front of Keithie and holding his chin to wipe something of his cheek.
"And who's that girl? That's not a nanny, is it?" Marcus looks at Lenny in waiting, and Lenny clears his throat. 'No, of course not Marcus. A nanny? What on earth would make you think that?'
"No, no, this is a-a friend of ours from China." he says, partially struggling on his story.
'Yep nice save Hollywood'
Luckily Marcus being, well Marcus, he seems to buy it. But again him being Marcus, interprets it in a totally different and gross way.
"Oh, yeah." Marcus says, nodding. "No, I've been on that website."
"No, no, no. Like- Like an, heh, and exchange student that- My wife brought her into the house." Lenny says, carefully making out the words.
"Oh, your wife's into chicks." Marcus says, nodding again. "Oh, that's nice! Hollywood!" he turns to Kurt, and they do a little fist pound. "See, he always lucks out.".
Alex slaps his arm "I'm gonna be stuck with theses mental images for the rest of my life.", "Wait a minute Higgins whose this? You have a daughter?" Lenny asked.
"What? Oh no I'm not his daughter." Alex said. Lenny raised his eyebrows and I'm hoping that he wasn't thinking what I think he might've been thinking. Even though he probably was considering the awkward look that crossed his face.
"So I'm guessing you didn't meet my niece?" he asked putting an arm over Alex's shoulders.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Lenny" Hollywood said as if there was no awkward silence at all, "You too. I'm Laura" Alex said with a small smile and wave.
Me and Rikki cleared our throats.
Alex laughed and said "Oh and these are my best friends." "I'm Jordan," I said and Rikki said "And I'm Brooke," "And we are… the best friends" We both said the last in a shout throwing our arms over Alex's shoulders.
Just then people past by us in a Cadillac with the hood rolled down. I freaking love Cadillacs.
"Hey, now!" Lenny and Kurt turn towards the car.
"Lamansoff! Rolling up in a Caddy?" Lenny says, surprised but still smiling at the man with his arm hanging out the side.
"That's how we do it." Lamansoff says, nonchalantly.
"And you, you've grown up on me, man! Are you a B-cup now?" Lenny says with a smirk smile. They both laugh and Lamansoff says.
"Hey, nice ears." He gestures towards Lenny, "You get the NFL package on those?" we all laugh, now.
"Nice Car man." I say, looking in awe at the beautiful creation before me.
"Yeah nice Caddy man," Kurt said looking at the side of the car "You selling lawn furniture and crack?".
"Come on, I'm the co-owner of Branchville Lawn Furniture, man! I'm the boss now, baby."
"Oh, good for you, Eric!" Lenny says happily.
"Glad you brought your mother." Kurt says, and puts a hand on the large labradoodle in the back seat.
"Oh, that's a good one!" Eric laughs, and holds out his hand. Kurt gives him a high-five, and they shake hands. "Wow, it's like shaking hands with an Eagle. I'll see you later." And he drives off in search of a place to park,
Leaving us to laugh at his parting words.
"Oh, my God." Higgins says, pointing to the church.
A short man who looked kind of like Snookie mixed with elvis and an oompaa loompa wearing a toupee steps out onto the front steps and takes a deep breath.
"It's Captain Caring of the ~SS Melodrama~." Marcus finishes.
"Oh, he's gonna play this one big." Kurt says, an unhappy tone making up his voice.
"Cue 'hey'." Marcus says, his voice raising an octave in pitch on a nasally 'hey' to mimic what I guess would be the guys voice.
"Hey." Rob drones in the exact same tone as Marcus just made fun of, stepping down and opening his arms.
"Hey." Lenny says, smiling and taking a step towards the guy.
"Hell of a circumstance, huh?" he says, walking towards Lenny.
"I'm gonna guess this is Rob" Alex says, "This is the guy who makes out with his wife in public?" Rikki asks looking at Charlie who just walked up beside us. "Yep," Charlie stated "and his wife is like 30 years older.", I shuddered at the mental image. Ewww gross, old people swapping spit.
"I know, I know." Lenny agrees. "It sucks." He stoops down to give Rob a hug. When he steps back, Rob looks to the sky.
"Well, the Buzzer's up there coaching heaven's team now." he looks back to Lenny, who mutters a quick 'It's true.' "He's got Wilt, Pistol Pete, Dr. J."
"Yeah, Dr. J's alive still." Lenny says, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, those types of guys." Rob says.
"Yeah, yeah. You look good, though, man." Lenny looks Rob up and down. "It's like, uh, if Elvis was an Oompa Loompa, he's right in front of me."
"Don't forget a male version of Snookie!" I called out to add to his description, Lenny smirked "Thank you."
"Well, I don't make jokes at funerals, because it's disrespectful. But if that's part of your healing process," he makes a little hand motion, "I'm cool with it." He smiles sweetly at Lenny and I but since he refused to show his teeth in a real smile he looked kind of creepy.
"Aw, that's nice. Thanks." Lenny leans forward and hugs Robbie again. "Hey, uh, Roxanne! Remember Rob, the guy I always tell you about? Rob?" Roxanne looks at him for a moment, and then turns to Lenny.
"Of course! The kid who didn't hit puberty 'till he was 19, right?" Roxanne exclaimed, and we were sent into a fit of giggles.
"That was our secret." Rob says, turning to Lenny. A blonde woman of about 70 walks up behind Rob.
"And this must be your mother!" Roxanne says, looking towards the woman.
"My wife." Rob corrects her, smile fading fast. I gasp. Even worse mental images.
"I'm sorry." Roxanne says immediately, taking a little step back.
"Hi, I'm Gloria." the woman says, "Oh, it's so nice to meet you. Your design line is so beautiful." She takes Roxanne's hand in her own and smiles.
"Oh, thank you, thank you." Roxanne removes her sunglasses and looks over Gloria, "And I love your scarves." Gloria thanks her, looking down at them.
"She's be tying me up with those later." Rob says suggestively, eyebrows dancing. Lenny chuckles nervously, and Roxanne only attempts to smile away the awkwardness. Ew Ew Ew Gross. That's it I have to look away now.
"He's not kidding." I hear Gloria say with a smile in her voice. There's a pause. As I turn back expecting awkward silence, but to my bad luck I notice that they've turned to each other, and their tongues are flicking out and going at each others. In an attempt to distract myself from the disgusting scene before me by looking at everyone's faces which kind of look like the Jenna Marbles "Face" right now.
"Oh, grody!" Higgins says, standing with Kurt on one side and us on the other, I nudged him "What mad house did you take us to?", he shrugged "I don't even know anymore kid." "Has he always been into cougars?", he just nodded.
"Oh, those are long, long tongues." Lenny remarks, luckily we're all saved when a breeze picks up the top of Rob's toupee off his head.
"We'll see you in there." Rob says, and turns to leave.