A/N: Eh, this story is kind of sucky— I was experimenting with second person/present tense again(x. Sorry about the awkward formatting... this was originally supposed to be short, vague and up for interpretation. That idea was totally screwed over by the time I was done ;_;
Super thanks to my fantastic beta, KeytoDestiny!
For the 100 themes challenge (variation one), this is 53. Keeping a Secret.
"I have a confession—"
You promised yourself you would never tell. You never told anyone your secret— not White nor Black... it took you a while to tell yourself.
"What is it?"
Oh dear, what the hell did you get yourself into? Confession? God, what a stupid idea that was! Can you get out of it? Come up with some sort of excuse? Your stomach twists in an uncomfortable, almost painful way. You feel stupid and scold yourself internally; you're naïve, impulsive and a complete idiot.
"Oh! Uh... I, uh..."
There is no way you are telling your secret. It's too personal, too risky.
And now you sound like even more of an idiot. You're already known to be 'ditzy' and 'clumsy'... 'idiot' wasn't something that you wanted to add to your description. What would the smartest guy have anything to do with the dumb blonde?
"Just spit it out already."
He's grinning. It seems almost out of place, him just so casually grinning. You're used to the smirk that found its way on lips and couldn't seem find its way back. That's all he does nowadays— smirk and speak in that condescending tone. Ever since the beginning of your respective journeys, he's been different. More serious, easily irritated and always, always busy.
You can't help but admit that he looks awfully cute with that smile. It's probably the first smile you've seen from him in ages.
But... is that smile... is he smiling at how stupid you seem right now? Is he insulting you?
No, you know that grin. It's definitely one of amusement, but... he's amused? At what, you? Something going on behind you? Or just you?
Wait, he's waiting for you to confess. Confess? Oh, how does he expect you to do that now?
Your stomach is back in its knotted form and it seems like it's going to stay that way. Great. How perfect. You're revealing one of the biggest secrets you've ever kept and possibly the only secret that you've kept that was your own. How are you going to tell him if you feel like you want to puke, faint and scream, all at the same time?
You begin to gather your courage. This is your chance.
"I-I love you, Cheren."
What... what did you just do?
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Ugh, what a terrible idea... how did you...? So... so... stupid!
You must have sounded really... ugh. You stuttered. You stutter when you're nervous, embarrassed or... you've been stuck with this habit for as long as you could talk! How could you forget about it? If you hadn't forgotten, you wouldn't be here and sound so utterly dumb. Maybe you would even sound normal (...as normal as can you sound, anyway).
Good job, dunce, you just made a fool of yourself.
And now your knees feel like jello, and are sure shaking like that too. Your palms are sweaty, your face is burning red and you can't help but look at the floor. You wish you could pull your hat over your face, crawl into a ball and disappear. Poof. 'Where'd Bianca go?' 'Oh, she disappeared.'
What is he doing? You're too afraid to look up, but you begin to gather your courage once again. You tilt your head slightly upwards and catch a glance at his expression from under your hat. As soon as you see his face, your eyes dart back to the floor.
For one, his cute grin is gone. He looks kind of confused and shocked but not angry, which is a good thing. You've never seen this exact expression on him, but the look in his eyes mimics the look he has when thinking. Are his cheeks pink? You think they are, but you may have just imagined it. Cheren isn't the one to blush— of your group, you and Black are dubbed as 'the blushers'. Both Cheren and White are confident and prideful; there haven't been too many times when they were caught blushing, nor do they seem to have ever been compelled to do such a thing. You want to check, but you're too scared to look up again.
Great, now you're a coward too? Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Wait, why hasn't he replied yet? What is he going to say? You can't take this, it's too much. Please, make him say something before you puke. You're going to puke. Or scream. Or faint. Or cry. Or run. You really don't want to do any of those things, but your body suddenly has a mind of its own. You can't control it. Your knees are still shaking, your heart fluttering, your palms are still sweaty and your cheeks are still burning. And you can't do anything about it. If you could, you wouldn't look so pathetic.
"I... uh, I don't... Bianca, I'm sorry."
…What? Sorry? You don't...
Oh. Oh.You get it now.
"... I-It's okay, I understand."
No, you don't understand. At all.
You feel like your world just broke apart and came crashing down. Did it?
….No, your world is surely intact; it's (well, he's) standing in front of you with a rather unreadable expression on its (his) face.
"...Are you okay?"
He knows you and has known you for... what, at least fourteen years now? He should know that you're not okay. He knows that you're not okay. Why did he bother asking?
"Yeah... I'm f-fine. Don't worry, okay?"
Your tongue tumbles over the word 'fine'. Yes, you're fine... if 'fine' means that your insides feel like they're being mangled.
… Physically, you're fine. (You're pretty sure that tomorrow you won't be, for then you'll be dehydrated, starved, exhausted, upset and all that goes with it.)
Emotionally... you're okay. (You can only lie to yourself and everyone else for so long.)
"I'm really sorry."
You're numb. You're waiting for it to hit you... hard. Words and images fly through your mind, all of them willing you to regain feeling and do.. something. Anything.
Your body is numb, your thoughts are incoherent, your spirit and heart are... desolated.
He really... and you... he rejected you. What a punch in the face that was. Your secret... the one that you've kept from everyone for about eight years now... all those feelings, they were lost, empty, pointless. He doesn't love you.
Not like that.
You're not sure what you're going to regret most about today— the fact that you lost your love, or the fact that you lost your best friend. It's a lose-lose situation.
You feel as if someone just cut the jello you call knees because you can feel them buckling. You resist the temptation to sink to the floor, bury your face in your palms and cry. Instead, you begin to back away slowly, cautiously.
"N-no... it's okay, really."
Tears are stinging your eyes but you can't make sense of it. You can't make sense of anything. You're Alice, and you're falling down that never-ending hole down to the pits of... what, Wonderland? No... you're not going anywhere. Just falling. Deeper and deeper...
Maybe when you hit rock bottom, you'll see the Hatter. Maybe it'll be Black. Maybe Black will make you a new beret. Or maybe you'll see White, or Iris. Maybe you'll run into your cousin, Barry, the Rabbit. He was the one who made you realize your feelings for... yeah.
Maybe they'll help you crawl out of that hole, somehow, someway.
Maybe this is Wonderland— you can feel yourself shrinking and growing with every new pang of your heart. Hell, you could probably fill a room with your tears... you just might do that later.
No, you're sure you'll do that later.
Everything seems to be rushing forward and you feel as if you're being thrown back. Do you run forward, as fast as you can, to catch up with where you are presently? Or do you stay behind and let yourself get thrown farther and farther back?
You realize that your thoughts are jumbled. Wonderland? Shrinking? Forward? Back? What are you thinking? Get your head out of the gutter. You're thinking nonsense. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
He steps forward as you step back. One hand reaches out to yours... you tuck it behind you.
You realize that you were looking at the ground. Were you looking at the ground the entire time? One would imagine that there was something interesting or different about the ground but no, you're embarrassed.
You decide to finally look up.
...Oh, so you weren't imagining things. That is, unless you're imagining things now. Or maybe you're hallucinating. Whatever it is, you note that... well, he is blushing. His cheeks are distinctively pinker than the rest of his face.
And then you begin to run. Running in the opposite direction, to nowhere in particular. You run away from your world, who is left behind, completely and utterly confused. You run away from your world... without the hope of ever finding another one. You're lost, and there's no going back.
You don't realize it now, but your world has a crack down the middle. A hairline crack, but a crack nonetheless. And yes, a crack so thin is capable of ruining anything— take the Liberty Bell for instance. It was the barely noticeable crack that prevented it from ever ringing again; it was the even bigger crack that repaired it (but you don't know that yet).
You feel like a broken bell— pretty ironic since that's your middle name.
Everything hasn't seeped in yet for you, but they've seeped in for him. Somewhere behind you, he's falling apart. He feels like a monster, or something horrendous of that sort. A beast. The Queen of (broken) Hearts. Off with her head.
Off with his head, is all he can think.
He sighs. He's on his knees now, isn't that a change of plans? You wouldn't know, you're already on the next route, far out of sight.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I lied."
And slowly, but steadily, his own heart begins to crumble.
After all, his secret wasn't one to be told.
A/N: By the way... I don't even know what Cheren means by that. Unnecessary repeating of things was used because I was trying to capture the incoherencies of a teenage girl's mind. I tried. For some reason, I kept avoiding actually using Cheren's name, hence the overload of 'he'. Sorry if this suckksss.
Meghh. There are a lot of nonsensical references to Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass in one part of this.
This originally seemed a lot longer to me. Huh.
...Okay, I'll shut up now.