I know it's been a while since I updated this, and I know a lot of you have been looking forward to this chapter and to everyone sending me messages reminding me to get it done, thank you! You guys are awesome and you keep me motivated. Also, this is the last chapter, so I hope you enjoy.
And make sure to read my little note at the end so you know what to expect for upcoming works.
Let's Get Better
The air gets thick and it feels like I'm falling backwards when I get like this. One out of three times I try to get mad on purpose. It's like getting high in the most fucked up way possible. It's probably what serial killers feel when they hurt people, just high as a fucking kite.
Coming back is the hardest part. All my blood goes cold and I feel tired, yet satisfied. I am a disgusting excuse for a human being, finding comfort in hurting other people that I care about. Even looking into their eyes as they become scared and disoriented is like drinking a bottle of vodka: Soothing, but makes you sick in the end.
"Sasuke!" Their voices pierce through the nonsense and seep through the bullshit every time. They wanted to pull me out and try to set me straight before I actually managed to kill Sai. They knew I could. I knew I could. "Get off of him, Sasuke!" Why can't I stop?
'I need to think for a few second. What am I doing?'
I tried to let my eyes roam past the dark eyes that nearly matched mine, look at the bigger picture. What was happening? What was I causing? Sai's mouth was straining to open for breath as my hands lay firmly around his throat. My nails were digging in so hard that I could feel the skin pop on my fingertips. I was trying to kill him, or at least squeeze the bastard out of him.
'You don't kill people. Don't let him die.'
Kakashi had is arms completely wrapped around my waist, trying to pull me off while Iruka worked desperately to pull my hands away from Sai's neck. In a matter of seconds I felt the cold feeling run through my body starting at my shoulder blades and falling to my hands. I let go of his neck. Kakashi immediately yanked me away from the hacking Sai and all I could think about was what he did to Naruto. What he said to me.
"What the hell were you trying to do?!" I heard Iruka scream. Slowly my full conscience came back and I looked around. Kiba was crying behind Shikamaru. I glanced further down the dark hallway to see Naruto sitting on the floor where Iruka must have sat him down when he came to assist Kakashi. His eyes were still dull and lifeless, but the blue pierced through the darkness and let me know his eyes were on me.
"Get him out of here, Kakashi!" Without a second to take another breath he began dragging me down the hall. I didn't even think of struggling, I just kept my eyes on his small frame. He looked so frail sitting there. Why did he have to pick Sai? Naruto's eyes were following me all the way down the hall until we stepped right before him. He looked away immediately, down casting his gaze to the floor. Maybe he gets it now.
"What are they planning to do with him?" Iruka asked as he leaned against the door to the infirmary. I heard Tsunade sigh and her heels tap against the floor as she walked across the floor. "I don't know. Sending him upstairs wouldn't solve anything. He's a whole different kind of head case. I wouldn't be surprised if they sent him to one of the "homes"."
"A home? Isn't that a bit drastic? He has anger issues, it's not like he murdered anyone." Iruka defended. Tsunade through her hands up. "The doctors here don't really care. If the patient refuses to participate in the programs here and just aren't making any progress, they have to leave. It's just how the system."
"Damn it. I was sure he was on the verge of opening up. He participated in a group activity with Naruto, and he talked a bit too. Usually he was dead weight."
"Well, maybe he'll get better treatment somewhere else. He just can't stay here."
I bit the inside of my cheek while I continued to play dead on the bed in the corner. My head still felt blurry, but was clearing with every word I heard. They were going to make Sasuke leave because he went after Sai. He went after Sai because of what happened in the closet. He had seen me there with Sai, heard what we were doing. He was so disgusted with what we did that he had to beat Sai.
When Kakashi and Sasuke walked past, Sasuke looked at me. He probably wished that he could throw a few punches at me too. He thought I was disgusting.
"Ok." Tsunade sighed again. "Naruto should be fine. He just needs to sleep. If he wakes up take him back to his room." I couldn't hear Iruka say anything, but the sound of the woman's heels clicking echoed through the room as she left. Iruka was walking around shuffling through things, moving papers from the counter.
I didn't want Sasuke to get in trouble. I didn't want him to have to leave. I knew Sasuke was a good guy. That night when I tried to hurt myself he stopped me and helped me, made me feel better. He needed to stay there and get help so he could be that kind of guy all the time.
"Iruka?" I sat up slowly and turned my head towards the man who was now sitting in a chair near the counter looking through a folder. The room was dark, the only light coming from the hallway. "Oh, Naruto. Are you feeling alright?"
"You can't let them send Sasuke away. It wasn't his fault." He walked over to the bed and looked down at me with a small smile. "You don't have to worry about him, he'll be better off somewhere else if they decide to send-"
"No!" I yelled. "I'll leave instead, ok? I'll go home and Sasuke can stay." He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Why do you think you need to leave?" My eyes started to feel warm and I was sure I was going to turn into a wining mess. "It's my fault he got upset! He hates me. Send me away, not him."
"Why do you think Sasuke hates you? I know there was a bit of tension between you two in the beginning, but at the group session you two seemed to get along. You guys have trust, remember?" My mind went back to the trust egg experiment. Sasuke had apologized for making me feel bad. He was a good guy, I knew he was he just couldn't show it all the time. We were close to being friends and I ruined it. I made him hate me because I had sex with Sai, the guy who at one time was his friend. "I did something bad with Sai that made Sasuke hurt him." I didn't want to come right out and say exactly what happened. Saying it out loud would almost be like a confirmation that I was a nasty slut finding love in some random closet. As he stared at me I could see him scanning my expressions, the thoughts floating in my brain. His eyes shifted away from my face and I knew he figured it out. He sighed quietly. "Naruto, you know you aren't allowed to do stuff like that here, right?"
Still, I stayed silent with my now fully conscience mind sifting through all the bullshit that I was causing myself. "Look," Iruka said. "Kakashi should be talking to Sasuke right now, so when he's done we can discuss this. For tonight, you can stay here." He left.
I would really like to understand how the fuck I ever got to that point. I want to understand why I couldn't just pick myself up and walk away from all the bullshit and be normal. I didn't have to be in that damn hospital. I just needed to be reminded that I was going to be ok and that the past has passed. It would all just be up hill from there.
"You're screwed. They're going to get kick you out of the program." Kakashi spoke sternly, leaning over towards me with his hands on the table. I laid my head down against my folded arms listening to the slight sound of my breath flowing through my lips. "Good." I hissed. I could feel his gaze harden with anger. I lifted my head and saw his hands were balled into quivering fists preparing to pound through the table.
"Don't you want to get better?" He asked. "Don't you want to be able to be with your family and make friends and just be normal?"
"What the fuck does normal mean, Kakashi?! Huh? What exactly do I have to change about my entire existence to satisfy you and everyone else? Please, for the love of fuck, tell me!"
Annoyance? Anger? Shame? Guilt? I couldn't, at the time, figure out what I was feeling. A combination of all four or something? I wanted to leave the room. It was like it was spinning all around and I was chained up to the walls at the same time. I hated when it got real like that. I didn't want to have to care about anyone else; it just felt like too much. I settled my head back down against my arms and stared into the shadows that were settled on the table.
For a moment, suicide crossed my mind. It was the easiest solution to any problem the world could throw at you. I never really contemplated it before though. A few cuts and burns every now and again, but nothing that would surely send me to my grave. I thought it was for weak people who only wanted the easy way out, not strong enough to stick around to look for a better solution. At that very moment I felt like every ounce of strength I had built up in my body was used up when I had tackled Sai down. I wasted it all in anger over what he did with Naruto. I was turning into one of the weak ones.
I was a hard person and I prided myself on being just that. No love, no pain, no worries. That was what I lived by. If I never loved anyone, then no one would ever love me, and then no one would ever get hurt. I would never hurt anyone. That's how I stayed in control, but one little mishap and there I was fighting with myself in a room with my head down like a coward. There was no point in going on anymore, no reason to fight, why even bother? "What does Naruto have to do with this?"
A jolt went through my body when I heard Kakashi say his name. I didn't have to look up to know that it was Iruka who had come to the door. I didn't hear anything else that was said between the two as they had stepped out into the hall, and also simply because I didn't want to hear anything else. Anything that had to do with Naruto Uzumaki I just didn't want to hear. He was the one who turned me against myself. I still don't understand what it was about Naruto Uzumaki that made me want to be around him so much. I tried convincing myself that it was nothing more than a teenage lust. He was attractive and I having been stuck in this building for a while had just wanted nothing more than to take him and make him my personal cum bag, but that wasn't all I wanted.
I had the urge to talk to him just to find out more about him. I wanted to see him smile. I wanted to be the one who made him smile. There was no doubt in my mind that that boy had to be some sort of other worldly creature, because there was no one on the planet that could break down all the boundaries that I had set up for myself. He was special and I knew we were brought together for a reason, but I was not willing to act on it out of fear that I would get too deep in the foolishness and end up getting hurt or hurting him. I had already hurt him though just to protect myself. I was a selfish coward, the worst of the worst and I deserved nothing better than what I had right there – everyone hated me.
"Well, you should be proud." Kakashi said to me as he entered the room again, shutting the door behind him. He sat down in the chair across from me resting his chin in one palm, staring at me intently. I lifted my head slightly. "What?" I let my head fall back down into my arms. I heard a long sigh escape his mouth and the a few squeaks from the chair as he shifted. "Naruto thinks you beat up Sai because of him and now he is asking to go home so you can stay." My stomach churned and I felt a little more of my energy being drained. Why the hell would he think he had to leave so I could stay?
"You guys told him 'No.', right?" I groaned.
"No. He can leave if he wants. He was supposed to go home the last time his parents were here, but he wanted to stay."
I looked up at Kakashi. "Why the hell would he do that?" I asked. He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe it's the same reason you don't want to leave. He was scared of what would happen when he left. He told his parents something very important while they were here. Something that I'm sure took a lot of courage."
"What did he tell them?"
"Now you know I can't answer that. Patient confidentiality and all that."
"You don't have to tell me. I kind of already know. Someone hurt him, right? When he was younger?" I always studied people and I could tell that his issues were deep rooted. Any kind of breakdown that he had had was definitely something that was long awaited and sure to come. Kakashi nodded. "It would seem so." I nodded back and put my chin on my folded arms and stared at the table. It wasn't that hard to figure out what exactly had happened to Naruto. The way he was hesitant to take off his shirt in the laundry room, and the way he covered himself up mad it obvious. He wasn't just trying to hide his arms anymore, he was trying to hide himself completely, like he knew what it was like he was afraid I was going to do something to him. It had happened before and it made him scared of everyone.
The fact that he was able to do that with Sai of all people made me think that it happened when he was really young. He felt like that was all he was good for. It still made me mad that it wasn't me. Why Sai? I was the one who helped him and stopped him from hurting himself. I know that I had hurt him too, but… I don't know. I was just mad that it wasn't me. "So, are you going to tell me why Naruto would think it's his fault that you beat the hell out of Sai?" I only shrugged. "He didn't do anything, I don't know why that idiot would think he did something."
"He told Iruka that you saw him and Sai doing something that they really shouldn't have been doing so you beat up Sai, and he's sure that you probably wanted to beat him up too because you thought he was disgusting." My eyes closed and all I wanted to do was walk out, find a room, go to sleep, and ignore everything. "I don't think he's disgusting." I said quietly. "He didn't do anything wrong, he should stay and I should go. He's actually trying to get help here. I'm just a waste of time. Tell him that."
"You know what I think," The tone in his voice told me that he was going make me listen to a lot of things that I really didn't want to hear. "I think that you like Naruto. Even though you insult him a lot, he is one of the people that you talked to the most. You never participated in group until he came along, and you stopped him from hurting himself and helped him wash his shirt so that he wouldn't get in trouble."
"How the hell did you know about that?" I asked setting up slightly.
"There are cameras all over, including the hallways and laundry room." He raised his eyebrows at me. "All equipped with microphones. No one can get away with much around here." I rolled my eyes, my mind immediately going to Sai and Kiba. How the hell was it even possible that Sai was able to get away with going to Kiba's room. "He was new. I didn't want there to be any drama his first week."
"Because you like him."
"I don't like him like that."
"Ok. Then why did you beat up Sai?" I didn't answer. "Look, you and I both know that you are going to be shipped away as soon as the sun rises in the morning, so what's the point of holding everything in now. Anything you tell me now won't matter. This isn't a session, I don't have to write anything down and I don't have to put it in your file. Feel free to vent."
Mentally I shrugged at the suggestion. What would it hurt to tell him everything? A few more moments of weakness in front of someone that I wouldn't see ever again, it really wouldn't have mattered. "He's too nice." I say hiding my face back into my arms. "Even when I was mean to him he still tried to talk to me. He even apologized once for mocking me in group therapy after I was rude to him. I don't get it. I wanted to talk to him more, which I did, but I was… well, I guess I was scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Hurting him… getting hurt."
"But you have hurt him, you're mean to him."
"I know!" I shot up. "That's what's so fucked up! I don't want to hurt him, but I know if I don't he could hurt me! Anyone could! I have to hurt them before they hurt me…" I sat back in my chair, slumping my shoulders as it had felt like one-hundred pounds of pressure had been lifted from my body.
Kakashi stood up, a smile settled on his lips. "Well then, it would seem you had your breakthrough. Too bad it wasn't in a session, I probably would have gotten a raise for cracking you." He chuckled. "Are you going to stay in here for the night, or should I get you a room upstairs?"
"Might as well."
When he left the room I had to ask myself a few times if that had really just happened. It was a weird feeling. I had said it out loud why I was the way I was, but it still didn't sink into my own mind. I still felt the need to be isolated and push them away. I was still afraid of someone getting in and using what they knew about me to take me down. I just couldn't trust people. Even when Kakashi had said nothing I said would pretty much be blown over, I still wanted to take it all back. There would always be two sides to my brain.
The next day…
Iruka had called my parents and they were already on their way. I would be going home, and I had hoped that Sasuke would be able to stay and get the help he needed without me messing it up for him. I had slept in the infirmary and was brought down for lunch by Kakashi after I had a session with Iruka. I sat with Shikamaru and Kiba. I told them that I would be going home and immediately Kiba jumped on me, cheering, but then settled down and told me that he would miss me. Shikamaru congratulated me and told me to never get shut up in a place like this again. Then it all went back to normal. We talked and laughed every now and again, but I would get distracted when I would glance around the living room and couldn't see Sasuke. I wanted to see him at least once before I left so that I could say sorry. I had gotten him in trouble.
I needed to clear off everything that was turning in my head, and Sasuke was one of them. I wanted to start new when I left the hospital and I knew it wouldn't be that easy if I was constantly thinking about how I almost deprived someone of their needed therapy because I was a disgusting whore. I bit my tongue when the words 'disgusting whore' crossed my mind. I wasn't supposed to think like that. Iruka and I had talked before lunch and we discussed how I was going to cope while on the outside. I told him my biggest fear was that it would go back to the way it was, but ten times worst because of what I finally confessed. There was no doubt that there would be questions that they had, and surely there would be yelling. It terrified me that I would end up right back in the hospital again, but Iruka told me to stay strong and talk to them. He said that I didn't have to talk to them right away, I could wait until we went to the out-patient therapy and speak in a controlled environment. He assured me that it could only get better from that point on. Even though it kind of just fell out of me, the fact that I told them what had happened was a big step, a step that some people could never take.
When lunch was over we were sent back to the living room and I immediately went to my room to pack. I stuffed my stuff in the large paper bags that Kakashi gave to me to replace the duffle bag that I wasn't allowed to keep here. When I was done I sat down on the bed and looked around the room. I had only been there for a little over a week and this had been my home. It was weird how at that moment it seemed so small, the white walls were so opaque it was unreal. A chill went through my body and I sighed. I felt different. My head felt clearer and that annoying voice that was settled into my brain was quieter than usual, only speaking in whispers, but I could ignore it. Nothing it said was relevant.
"Hey, there." I glanced over at the door way and saw Sai standing there. He had a large bruise cascading from . Immediately I just wanted him to go away, but then I thought about all the other guys I had been with before just because I was looking for hallow love. "Hi." I stood up and walked over and leaned against the door. I had no idea what I was going to say, or what he was going to say. "I heard you were heading home." He stared deep into my eyes. "I got Iruka to let me come back so I could say goodbye. He also suggested, well, more like demanded that I apologize to you for what we did in the closet, but let's be real, we both enjoyed that didn't we?" He lifted his hand and rested it on my waist, squeezing slightly. My head fogged up and it shot me right back to the feeling of being scared, the urge to just sit there and let him do what he wants, but then I looked behind him. I saw Shikamaru and Kiba sitting on the couch, Sakura and Ino sitting at the game table talking, Iruka and Kakashi standing by the nurse's station. I wasn't alone.
Sai couldn't do anything to me. I pushed myself off the door frame slipped out of his grip. "Don't touch me." I said. He smirked and folded his arms. "Oh, now that's not what you said yesterday." It was like he was trying to push me down into the dirt. Like one of the monsters who terrified me as a kid had taken over his body and were trying to take control again. "I… I wasn't… ok then. You could see that, couldn't you?" I asked trying to keep my eyes on the people behind Sai. "I guess so. You were like a zombie."
"Then why did you let it happen? You knew I wasn't in my right mind, so-"
"No one is in their right mind here, Naruto, but I don't really care. I've got to jump on tail whenever I get the chance, and you offered it up like a submissive bitch."
I had to breathe. That's what I kept telling myself. They were just words that shouldn't mean anything to me. They simply define a part of me that I was trying to shut down, they didn't matter. "I know, and I regret it."
"Well, isn't that nice. That's just fine with me, I still have Kiba." He nodded in the direction of where Kiba was sitting. I scoffed. "You don't have him. He doesn't even know that it's you who is fucking him, which is just fucked up." For a second, the look of shock spread over his face, but quickly died down. "So I guess you and Sasuke had some good chats, huh? Did he tell you anything else?" I didn't answer, just keeping my eyes hard, hoping that he would just get on with whatever else he planned to taunt me with and leave. "Or maybe he stayed gutless and kept telling himself that he didn't like you." I looked up at him. "What do you mean?"
"Sai, let's get going." I heard Iruka call from across the room. He turned and nodded, then looked back at me. "I guess I should go. Our little romp in the closet got me sent to the third floor, right down the hall from Sasuke, don't you know."
"Sasuke's on the third floor?" Sai nodded and turned to leave. I watched him walk over across the room, glancing once at Kiba with a sad look in his eyes. I didn't know if he was just going to miss being able to have sex with Kiba, or if he really did like him and was going to miss Kiba all together. Iruka put his hand on Sai's shoulder and began leading him through the hall towards the locked doors. My thoughts went back to Sasuke. If he was on the third floor then I wouldn't be able to see him before I left.
I was stuck in the waiting room of the hospital's psychiatric ward with two brown paper bags filled with clothes that I had brought when I had first come to this place. I glanced over at the receptionist, her eyes shifting back and forth between her computer screen and her key board. She didn't even know I was here. The entrance doors swung open as one of the doctors came rushing in. A swift, cool breeze swept over the room and I breathed in deeply. The scent of oncoming rain filled my lungs. After being stuck in hospital for so long fresh air was like finding gold. I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes trying to clear my mind. I had another forty-five minutes before the transfer ride would get there and then it would be off to the asylum with me. To be honest, I was nervous. While I was on the third floor Gaara had told me that the place they were sending me was harsh. He had never been there, but apparently some of the guys on the floor had been there. I was sure that it was nothing that I couldn't handle, but a new place meant starting over.
I was worried that starting over meant that nothing would ever change. I would be waged in a constant battle in my head for the rest of my life. I would always be telling myself to trust people, but as soon as I do I would try to hurt them before they hurt me, before I hurt them before they hurt me. It was ridiculous, but that's what it was. That's all it ever was.
There was a small part of me telling me to just think about what it would be like two weeks from now, or two years from now. All that shit would be behind me and everything would be better, is what I was hoping for. I just needed reassurance that I wouldn't just spontaneously combust before I ever felt happy again.
The time seemed to slow down with every tick of the clock. I chewed on the skin of my knuckles and closed my eyes hoping I would fall asleep, leaving the nerves to disappear. The sounds of the receptionist typing on her keyboard filled the air, followed by the soft shuffling of shoes against the tiled floors. "Sasuke?"
My eyes shot open at the familiar voice that sounded itself right next to me. I looked up to see a confused pair of blue eyes. I sat up quickly, blinking a few times, thinking that he was simply a projected image created by my mind. "What are you doing out here?" He asked as he set down two large paper bags that were filled with his clothes. I settled myself back into the seat and sighed out slowly. "I'm heading out. They're sending me to a different hospital." He seemed shocked as his brow furrowed and his lips parted slightly. "What? No, you can't be leaving. I told Iruka that I would leave. I'm so sorry, Sasuke. I swear, I didn't mean for you to get kicked out. I'm sorry!"
"Whoa, whoa." I stood up and walked over to him looking him right in the eye. "It's not your fault they're sending me to a different hospital. It's mine. I screwed up one too many times. It has nothing to do with you."
"But if I hadn't…" He stopped and his eyes went to the ground. He dropped gripped his hand over his wrist and bit his lip like his nerves were getting the better of him. Suddenly, he dropped into the chair behind him and covered his face with his hands. I sat back in my seat as well and just looked at him. He wasn't crying, he was just hiding his face like he just didn't want to be in existence at that moment.
I swallowed hard. "You know, I don't think you're disgusting." Naruto spread his fingers so that his blue eyes peaked out between them. "What?" He asked, muffled by his hands. "Kakashi said that you thought, that I thought you were disgusting because of what you did with Sai. Well, I don't and I wasn't planning on beating you up either. Sai… he just kept running his mouth… and to be honest, I was kind of jealous."
"You were jealous?" He dropped his hands to his lap and looked at me full on. I felt my stomach tighten and I had the sudden urge to get up and walk away, or call him an idiot, anything to get the intensity out of his eyes, but I couldn't do any of that. I knew that was my last chance to talk to him and most likely we would never see each other again, therefore I just wanted to be honest. Like Kakashi said, it didn't matter now. I should just let it out. "Yeah… I was."
"So, you like Sai? How could you like Sai? He's a total fucking asshole! Just look at what he was doing to Kiba!"
"No! I don't like Sai, you dumbass! I like you!" I yelled rolling my eyes at the blonde's stupidity. I scowled at the ground for a second debating on whether or not I should look back up to see his reaction to my little confession. "You like me?" I heard him mumble. I looked up and I almost had the urge to laugh at the dumbfounded look on his face. "Yeah, I do. A lot more than I should."
"Since when?" He shot back instantly.
I had to think for a second. When did I start liking him? "I don't know. It just sort of happened."
"But… no, you hate me. You know I'm bad and that's why you were mean to me." He said, seemingly trying to convince himself that that was the only truth. "No." I said leaning forward, catching his eyes and holding them with mine. "You're not bad, I'm bad. I was being mean to you because I didn't want to like you. I thought that if you fought back, then that would make me hate you, but even when you did, I just liked you more. Long story short, I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the earth with trust issue who has a need to push people away… and I like you a lot."
He chewed on his lip and stared at me with slightly widened eyes. I just wanted to smack him upside the head, make him say something. I let out a long breath as it dawned on me that I was surely about to be rejected by some guy I had only known a couple of weeks in a damn mental hospital. What a life.
Naruto released his bottom lip from his teeth and readied myself for a fire of insults of confirmation that I had fucked up any chances with him when I stole his juice box.
"Do you want to fuck me?"
I winced at the sudden question. "What?" I choked out. His eyes were serious as he stared me down. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head slightly. "People don't just change like that. You can't go from hating me to liking me so suddenly." He said raising his fist to his mouth and nibbling on the skin that laid over his knuckle. "You saw me and Sai. You know I'm a slut. You don't have to lie and tell me you like me just to get somewhere. If you want to do something with me we should do it fast, my mom and dad will be here soon."
"What the hell are you talking about? I don't want do anything like that I just-"
"Then why would you say stuff like that?"
I could see his eyes starting to dim into a blank stare as though he was falling back into his head where all these accusations were churned from. I wondered for the millionth time since I had known that blonde boy what the hell was going on in his head. What kind of fucked up shit was he making up in there to make someone saying they like him seem like an angled lie. "I just like you." I mumbled lowly, but it seemed to echo through the room. "I really don't expect you to believe me. I've treated you like trash since you got here. If you think I'm lying or you just don't trust me, then… I don't know."
I rubbed my temples and squeezed my eyes shut regretting even responding to him when he had made his appearance in the waiting room. I glanced up at the clock on the wall. Still had a while before the transportation got there. Silence was spreading over the room in an awkward haze, even the receptionist had stopped tapping at her keyboard and had disappeared.
At a moment like that, where I was mentally caused me to blank out on every word that left Sasuke's mouth. 'I like you' were words I only heard from guys who wanted to have sex with me. I couldn't trust those words, especially when they came from someone who I had thought despised me with every ounce of his being. I watched him as he grinded his fingertips into the side of his skull and looked around the room. I couldn't help but think about what he had done for me when I tried to hurt myself that night. He stepped in and even made sure that I wouldn't get in trouble, then the couple of times that he had apologized to me. He had said sorry more than once and with what he said it made me think maybe he was telling the truth. We were in a mental hospital for god's sake, not everything was going to be so black and white.
Things were different in there, the people were different, and the air around us was different. We were all alone together. It was like a whole other world held together by linked white walls that had the ability to suck the sanity out of us and send it right back.
I told myself to focus. The paranoia that was creeping into my brain again that made me question Sasuke's intentions was something I needed to wash away. All the guys who had used me and the one monster that hurt me the most were not there with me in that waiting room, Sasuke was. He was sitting there with a bold confession lingering about like a ten ton weight. He said he had trouble trusting people. Being able to say he liked me was probably a big leap of faith and I had ruined it.
"Sasuke." I said grabbing his attention from the far wall to the left of us. His eyes darted towards me and I had hoped that the right words would find their way to my brain. I wanted to tell him that I liked him too, that he made my stomach flutter and my face burn when he talked to me, but I couldn't. I was a kid with issues that I couldn't wrap my head around. I wanted that kind of closeness to someone, being able to say I like someone and they like me too, just the same, but when it was actually laid out in front of me it scared me to death. I had been lied to, cheated on, broken down, and just all around fucked with since I was little. Everyone had an angle.
Sasuke wasn't everyone, he was Sasuke, someone who was broken too. We were the same. We had been in different situations, but we had the same problems. The thought of letting other people into our worlds terrified us. Neither of us wanted to be hurt. "I like you too," I said, immediately feeling my stomach tighten and I thought if I took the time to swallow, I would vomit. He blinked his eyes and I could tell that he was trying to read me, the way Iruka did when I had first gotten there. ",and it's a 'like', like a tummy flutter blushing 'like'." I stared down at the ground waiting for him to start laughing, telling me that it was a joke and that he couldn't believe that I fell for it.
"Well then," He said with a sigh. "What do you want to do?"
I looked back up at him. He changed his position so that he was leaning with his elbows rested on his knees, almost like he was proposing a business deal, but I could hear a hint of nervousness in his voice. "I mean," He continued. "We don't know each other, not well enough to make some sort of commitment, and even if we did, it would be useless. This could be the last time we ever see each other."
A light flashed through the large windows as a familiar car pulled through the lot and stopped in front of the hospital. Sasuke and I both stared at it like it just ran over our conversation. "That for you?" Sasuke asked. I nodded as I recognized my mother and father in the front seat. I stood up and Sasuke did the same mirroring my movement, but he didn't take his eyes off me. "We should just leave it at this shouldn't we?" He asked. "No." I shook my head. I didn't want to give up on something like that. "Let's leave up to fate." I said.
He raised his eyebrows as though he was questioning my already questionable sanity. "What the hell are you talking about?" The scrunched up face he had made me smile. "If we're meant to really like each other, then fate will bring us together, you know, and even if it doesn't we should still wait. That way we're sure that this isn't just something two psychotic teenagers made up. Let's get better first and when we're sure that we're ok, we can find each other and see if we still like each other the way we do right now."
A smile went across his face and heart started beating faster. It was beautiful. "Alright." He said with a chuckle. "But what happens if we don't?" Without a thought I stepped closer to him and placed my hand on the side of his neck. I leaned up, gaining height on my toes to place my lips on his. It was relaxed and it felt natural and warm, not like any kiss I had ever had before. I felt his hand move up to settle just on the lower half of my rib cage as he deepened the kiss. We parted slowly and looked into each other's eyes and it was like we were the only two in the world. I settled one last peck on his lips and held his face in my hands. "Then we'll have that to remember."
I looked back through the window and saw that my mom had gotten out of the car and was making her way up the sidewalk. "I should get going." I said and stepped back. I grabbed my bags and made my way towards the large glass doors. I turned my back to the door to push my way through and my eyes caught Sasuke. His face still looked so happy, that smile not fading. He lifted his hand and waved and I couldn't help but chuckle. "I'll see you later." He said.
That's it, that's the last chapter of White Walls. It might be a disappointing end for some of you, not really knowing whether or not Naruto and Sasuke ever saw each other again, but you can see it how you want to.
I hope that some of you enjoyed this story.
Of course, as always, I don't like having less than three stories going at once, so a new fic will be up soon. It will be more of a 'fantasy/horror/supernatural' type of story that will be rather fun for me to write. I'm hoping to get the first chapter up around Halloween, that way everyone is in the mood for such stories. Also, a one shot is on its way as well, so be ready.
Until all that new stuff is up you have Cause&Effect, and Scratch to entertain you which I will be updating, hopefully every few weeks. Since school is starting soon the update will be far between, but I'm sure you're used to that by now. XD